After weeks of intense negotiations, Donald Trump and a large contingent of attorneys representing GOP moneyed interests have struck a deal to free the Republican Party from it’s cagey captor, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee.
Reports have put the total ransom paid at $150 million.
“ We feel the amount paid is a reasonable sum to get our party back,” said attorney Miles Farnsworth. “We knew, going in, it would take a large number to get Mr. Trump to relinquish his hold on our beloved GOP. We are all truly grateful we were able to successfully end – without bloodshed – the first hostage situation involving a national political party in our nation’s history.”
Sources familiar with the negotiations are reporting Trump’s original demand to end the crisis was $5 billion.
Said Farnsworth,” We were all aware of Trump’s negotiating tactics: start absurdly high and work your way down to the realm of reality. My team and I all made sure to read up on Trump’s “The Art of the Steal.”
The breaking news confirms widely held suspicions Trump kidnapped the Republican Party as part of a master plan to secure enough money from GOP moneymen to launch his own media empire. (So You Still Think Trump Wants To Be Prez?)
“ I think we got off cheap,” said the always joyful RNC Chairman, Reince Priebus. “We now can get back to the business of picking a true conservative candidate who will lead our party back to the White House in November.”
Not all Republicans, however, are as optimistic as the Chairman.
Bobby Jindal, a former presidential candidate who famously called his party the “stupid party,” thinks it was a mistake to rescue the party from Trump.
“Look,” said Jindal,”Trump has done so much harm to our party by holding it captive for so long I do not believe we can ever restore it to its former glory… at least not by November.”
“Our party is now damaged goods,” Jindal went on to say. “The smart move would have been to not pay the ransom. What’s the point? The devastation done to our party, I believe, is irreperable.”
“We would have been better off saving the $150 million, letting Trump kill the party as he threatened and just create a new party starting next year. Heck, we are going to lose this election no matter what we do or who we pick as our nominee!”
For all the incompetence displayed by Jindal while governor of Louisiana, the man can sometimes make a lot of sense.
Illustration | Pat Bagley-TheSaltLakeTribune