Republican Jesus is believed to have been the inspiration for Ronald Reagan’s “Trust but verify.”
Trump Delivers On Job Creation … For Lawyers!
Talk with any lawyer and you’ll hear the same thing …. business is booming. Donald Trump promised to create jobs like no other president before him and, for a small segment of the American workforce, he has delivered. President Trump is making many members of the legal profession very happy and wealthy.
According to the Boston Globe, President Donald Trump has been sued 134 times in federal court since taking office. To put that in perspective, Trump has been sued more than Obama, Bush and Clinton combined since assuming the presidency.
That is an average of more than one suit per day for a president just ending his honeymoon period!
But this comes as no surprise.
Donald Trump had been involved in more than 3500 legal cases, either as a defendant or plaintiff, before setting foot in the Oval Office.
Of course when Trump promised to be the “greatest jobs producer that God has ever created,” he was not necessarily referring to professionals … more likely coal miners and factory workers.
The increased workload for lawyers is being dubbed the “Trump Effect” and it’s not just being felt in the federal courts. Legal observers are noticing a distinct increase in all types of lawsuits in state courts … contracts, personal injury, and family law, just to name a few.
The belief is that Americans have turned into a more litigious bunch ever since Trump made his way down the escalator at Trump Tower, nearly two years ago, to announce his run for office.
The man who is famous for tweeting “see you in court” has inspired a whole new generation of sue-happy individuals.
Courts throughout the country are seeing an increase in litigation not only among adversaries, but also among friends and family members. The days of handling a dispute over your kid “accidently” throwing a ball into a neighbor’s yard are no longer resolved through civil discussion … but in civil court.
Asked to comment on this new phenomenon, the dean of one middling New York law school stated they are being forced to raise tuition costs to discourage candidates due to a threefold increase in applications!
Photo | nbc.com
Caution –parts of this article may be fake! Psst … bottom half.
Trump Admits Missing Old Life … But Regrets?
In a Reuters interview last Saturday conducted in the Oval Office, President Donald Trump let his guard down and made some revealing statements.
“I loved my previous life. I had so many things going,” Trump said. “This is more work than in my previous life. I thought it would be easier.”
Before becoming president, Trump was able to golf three times a week. Now with the awesome responsibilities that come with being the leader of the free world, he is down to only two rounds … on weekends.
Instead of being the star of his own reality show, he now must share the spotlight with a co-star, Mike Pence, and a cast of untalented bit players.
Instead of being able to step out on the town and force himself on any woman of his choosing, he is hemmed in, round the clock, by the Secret Service.
Instead of pretending to work, he is now actually expected to do so on behalf of the American people.
Asked how he would feel if the several investigations into his ties with Russia forced him out of office or resulted in impeachment, the president broke into song …
And now, the end seems near
We may be facing another Iron Curtain
My friend, I’ll say it clear
I’ll state my case, of which I’m certain
I’ve lived the life of a con
I’ve traveled each and every highway
But more, much more than this
I did it my way
Regrets, I have not one
At least not any I care to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption
I never planned a goddamn thing
Seems I got swept into office one day
But, oh, I’ve had a big, beautiful ride
I did it my way
If it’s any consolation, Trump’s admission that he misses his old life has struck a sympathetic chord with a majority of Americans. Through their actions (daily marches), they have made it clear they’d be perfectly content if Trump were to choose to go back to his previous life and leave the running of the country to grownups.
Caution – this article may contain fake news!
Photo | imgflip.com
Trump Asks For Extension On “100 Day Plan”
Like the laggard who won’t be able to get his term paper in on time, President Trump is asking the American people for extra time to complete his promised “100 Day Plan.”
Less than three weeks before the presidential election, candidate Donald Trump made a pact with the American voter, laying out his priorities for his first 100 days in office.
“On Nov. 8th, Americans will be voting for this 100-day plan to restore prosperity to our country, secure our communities and honesty to our government. This is my pledge to you,” Trump vowed in Gettysburg. Pennsylvania.
A rather ambitious plan for the reality TV star and self-described billionaire, don’t you think?
But as his 100th day in office is fast closing in, Trump must be wondering where did the time go? His one and only attempt to live up to a campaign promise … to repeal and replace Obamacare … ended in humiliating failure.
Some pundits are wondering how much more our goof-off president could have accomplished if he had spent more time working in the Oval Office and less time working on his golf game.
Since taking office on Jan. 20, 2017, Trump has reportedly been on the grounds of his golf courses 19 times since becoming President (as of April 16). According to Politifact, compared to Obama’s similar time in office, the scorecard reads Trump 14, Obama 0.
As the new president has come to realize (“it’s not so easy”), running a country is much harder than hosting a TV show.
Photo | politico.com
Caution: article may contain satire!
Thanks To Trump, Palin Finally Sees Inside Of White House
Sarah Palin, former half-governor of Alaska and John McCain’s VP pick in 2008, was invited to the White House yesterday by President Donald Trump. Palin brought with her two of her close friends, rockers Ted Nugent and Kid Rock.
In a post on her website, Palin said she invited the musicians “because Jesus was booked.”
Trump’s invitation to the woman also known as “Mama Grizzly” and the “Queen of the Word Salad” was not just social as the two were said to have discussed some important issues.
One of the topics discussed was Trump’s campaign promise to build a wall along the Mexican border. The President was eager to get Palin’s take on the financing for such a huge undertaking now that Mexico has flat out refused to pay for the structure.
“Mr. President,” said Palin, “you are a master builder, businessman and negotiator. Why not do what you are so good at? Hire workers to build the wall and then just refuse to pay them?”
On a more immediate and serious note, the North Korean crisis was also discussed.
Palin was asked by the commander in chief how he should deal with the North Korean madman Kim Jong-un.
“Once again, Mr. President,” offered Palin,” you need to do what has always worked for you in the past. Invite him to Mar-a-Lago for a weekend of golf. You’ve said yourself some of your best deals have been made on the golf course. I’m sure you can smooze the dictator into giving up his nuclear weapons. And, anyway, I bet Mar-a-Lago’s “beautiful” chocolate layer cake will be a hit with Kim.”
Word is now spreading around the White House that Trump is considering replacing his top adviser, Steven Bannon, with Palin.
Following her visit, the president praised Palin for her “common sense solutions” to otherwise thorny issues.
“Sarah can cut through some serious problems like nobody else,” said Trump. “She’s a natural at problem solving. And she isn’t so bad to look at. OK, maybe no longer a 10 but a solid 8, believe me.”
Photo | talkingpointsmemo.com
Caution: this may be fake news!
Science Finally Solves Conservative/Progressive Mystery
For decades, scientists have tried to come up with an explanation for what makes Americans tick politically. Why are some people conservative while others liberal/progressive? Why do some identify as Republican and others Democrat?
In a landmark study, scientists have finally unlocked the mystery to this age-old riddle. In a biological trial involving 538 Americans, researchers have found the answer lies within our DNA. The deciding factor is a gene being called the “empathy gene.” Those that had the gene all identified as Democrat, while those lacking the gene all labeled themselves Republican.
“This is truly a giant breakthrough in our understanding of the human mind,” said the study’s director, Dr. Robert Schwartz, “Perhaps now each side of the political spectrum will stop sniping at one another. People simply are who they are. They cannot be shamed or cajoled into adopting the other’s point of view. It’s as simple as that.”
“For those individuals carrying the ‘empathy gene,’ the ability to understand or feel what another person is experiencing, especially one less fortunate, is hardwired. He or she has the capacity to place oneself in another’s shoes,“ said Schwartz. “For those lacking the gene, everything is viewed from a more personal perspective. How will this affect me? What’s in it for me? It is basically every man for himself.”
The study found the lack or presence of the “empathy gene” cut across ethnic, racial and socioeconomic lines. This helps to explain how a Wall Street billionaire and a coal miner in West Virginia can both describe themselves as conservative.
Surprisingly, most in the study group who identified as Christian lacked the “empathy gene.”
Already the study is causing an uproar, with profound implications. If we are programmed to either care or not care about others, especially the poor among us, what hope is there for a more egalitarian, humane and just society? Is there longer any reason to argue with Uncle Henry at family dinners about the virtue of free school lunches for the underprivileged?
The hope among scientists is that the new research will help make us more tolerant, not less, of political differences.
But already some right-wing pundits have started to disparagingly call the newly discovered gene the “GAS” gene, as in who “Gives A Shit.”
Photo | frank.jou.ufl.edu
Caution – this article may be fake news!
Top 10 Reasons Why Trump Refused To Throw First Pitch
Donald Trump turned down an invitation by the Washington Nationals to throw out the ceremonial first pitch at their season opener on April 3 against the Miami Marlins.
The refusal to participate in what has become a presidential tradition going back to President William H. Taft is baffling to many. Wasn’t it Donald J. Trump who boasted he was the “best baseball player in New York” when he was young?
Below are the top 10 reasons why Trump declined to throw the first pitch:
- It could bring back childhood taunts he “threw like a girl.”
- His offer to throw out a golf ball instead of a baseball was nixed by the team.
- He is afraid of splitting his pants.
- He was warned against the idea by Chris Christie.
- He is concerned the ball might slip out of his small hand.
- It’s hard to throw wearing a long, over-sized coat.
- His bone spur makes it hard on his plant foot.
- The mound isn’t elevated enough for him.
- His long red tie might cause him to trip.
- He might be booed in a city that gave him only 4% of the vote!
For the record, the White House has said Trump has a “scheduling conflict” that makes him unavailable.
Photo | totalprosports.com
In Effort To Improve Image, Trump Introduces White House Dog
With the ever-deepening Russian scandal looming over him, Donald Trump, on Friday, introduced a new member to the White House … his dog. Some say this is a calculated move to deflect attention from the controversy surrounding his administration and to endear him to dog lovers everywhere.
“I’d like for you all to meet my new best friend, Boris,” said Trump. “He is a mix Black Russian Terrier and Mexican Chihuahua.”
The adorable pooch was an instant hit with the assembled White House press corps..
One journalist asked Trump if he named his dog after the late Russian president, Boris Yeltsin.
“No,” said Trump. “I named him after my favorite childhood cartoon character, Boris Badenov, from the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show.”
If Trump’s aim was to distract the press from the political storm engulfing his presidency, he missed the mark.
“Sir, with all due respect, and with all that’s going on, should you be naming your dog after a fictional Russian spy?” asked an intrepid reporter.
“When are you people going to understand this whole Russian thing is a ruse perpetrated by Obama and the Democrat Party?” snapped Trump. “It’s a set-up to distract the American people from all the fabulous accomplishments of my administration.”
“Why aren’t you reporting about the illegal Obama wiretapping of my office at Trump Tower?” asked the new president.
Someone yelled out from the back of the room, ”Because it is not true. Only yesterday James Comey, your FBI director, asked the Justice Department to publicly reject your wiretapping allegation.”
Trump pretended not to hear the reporter’s answer. Instead, he took a biscuit out of his pocket and threw it up in the air. Boris, eyeing the treat, jumped to snatch it.
“Boris and I are going to be best friends and the American people are going to love him as much as me,” said the newly-minted dog lover. “They just have to get to know him.”
“I have to admit, I was never a dog person, but just look at that face!” exclaimed Trump as he prepared to leave with Boris for another weekend golf trip to Mar-a-Lago.
Photo | ohmldog.com
Caution – this could be fake news!
Trump Eats Steaks Well-Done … If Only We Had Known Sooner!
How a person eats his steak matters. If we had known Donald Trump likes his meat well-done … and with gobs of ketchup … he might still be just another crass billionaire.
Food experts say eating steaks with even a little bit of red in them is better than eating steaks without. It’s a simple matter of science, a chemical and physical truth … the result of an alchemy of fat and protein and salt, and the way matter transforms when subjected to heat, and the way our bodies connect the chemicals of taste to the chemicals of pleasure.
Of course, we now know Trump’s fondness for science and facts. Very tenuous. Sad.
It seems Trump persists in eating shoe-leathery meat despite, no doubt, the urgings of steakhouse chefs, well-intentioned servers, friends, family, critics, thousands of magazine articles, hundreds of cookbooks, and the entire collective wisdom of thousands of years of gastronomy, all of whom saying Try it, you’ll like it.
But no, Trump is too stubborn to try something different. If only there had been some forewarning!
A person who won’t eat his steak any other way but well-done is a person who won’t entertain the notion that there could be a better way. This is a bad trait for anyone, especially a president.
For the President of the United States of America, a man who is the most powerful person in the world, to categorically reject external input can be disastrous.
“It’s only steak” you say. But no, it’s actually much more. It’s everything. It’s a choice to silence experts who suggest a different way, to dismiss their course corrections, to reject the very notion that expertise outside one’s own can have value!
But we should have known our headstrong president eats food in non-recommended, unorthodox ways.
In 2011, long before he entered the presidential race, Trump was spotted having lunch with Sarah Palin at a New York pizzeria.
The life-long New Yorker ate his pizza with a fork and knife!
Photo | firstwefeast.com
Trump’s Unrequited Love For The First Amendment
At this week’s annual meeting of the right-wing lovefest, the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), Donald Trump professed his profound love for the First Amendment.
“I love the First Amendment — nobody loves it more than me,” said the besotted commander in chief.
Unfortunately, the object of Trump’s affection does not love him back.
“How could he love me when he is so mean to me,” said the First Amendment. “If only his actions matched his words.”
The First Amendment has a valid point.
Soon after Trump’s proclamation of love for the much-cherished amendment, White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, barred reporters from numerous major media outlets from participating in a regularly scheduled press briefing. Singled out were: The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, CNN, BBC, The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed and Politico.
“And it’s not just freedom of the press that I’m all about,” said the First Amendment. “If he truly loved me, he’d love all of me. He hasn’t shown any of that.”
“What about my other guaranteed freedoms?” asked the sometimes misunderstood amendment. “Yes I stand for freedom of expression by prohibiting Congress from restricting the press or the rights of individuals to speak freely. But I also forbid Congress from both promoting one religion over others and also restricting an individual’s religious practices. And don’t forget, I assure the right of citizens to assemble peaceably and to petition their government.”
“I’m not going to be taken in by Donald’s pretty words, his actions go against almost everything I stand for,” said the amendment so beloved by the Founding Fathers that they ranked it first among many. “ Others have claimed to love me but they proved to be bogus lovers. Donald is repulsive to me. Not only do I not love him but I’m afraid he will cause me harm.”
It is unfortunate the First Amendment is so frightened of the new president that it may need to seek a restraining order against the man and his false protestations of love.
Photo | cnn.com.de
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