Archives for April 2015

Recently, James Inhofe of Oklahoma, Chairman of the Senate Environment Committee, was once and for all able to dispel the myth of global warning with a simple flick of the wrist… a snowball! “I ask the chair, you know what this is? It’s a snowball, just from outside here. So it’s very, very cold out. Very unseasonal. Mr. President, catch this.” The snowball struck Republican Sen. Bill Cassidy of Louisiana, who was presiding over the Senate at the time, right in the kisser. Fortunately, the Senate nurse was nearby to supply some ice to the senator’s swollen lip.

After Senator’s Inhofe seemingly conclusive rebuke to all those climate-change fearmongers, a reporter caught up with Inhofe and asked, “But, Sir, scientists have just proclaimed 2014 as the hottest year on record?” Inhofe laughed and shook his head. “Scientists are like statistics. You can get them to say anything.” The reporter countered, “But, Sir, 97% of all climate scientists believe in global warming.” “You go ask those folks on the East Coast, especially in Boston, if they believe in global warming. Heck they were hit with a record amount of snow this year. I hear they’re still digging out! Look I’m no scientist, just Chairman of the Senate Environment Committee, but from what I see, it’s damn cold out!”

Rumors later spread across the floor of the Senate that Inhofe was going to bring his lucky four-leaf clover to his next senate hearing to prove once and for all leprechauns exist.

Following the rave reviews for his standup routine at the White House correspondent’s dinner last night, President Obama has revealed his plans after leaving the White House. He will go into comedy full-time. “I’ve always wanted to do standup comedy growing up. My all-time favorite comedian was Henny Youngman … take my wife, Michelle…. please!” You may not believe this but I just loved all those Borscht Belt comics… Jacky Mason, Freddy Roman, Shecky Greene. Did you hear the one about the rabbi and the shiksa entering a Jewish deli?”

When asked if such a career move would lessen or demean the stature of the presidency, Obama replied, “There are a whole lot of people out there who think I degraded the presidency just by being elected!” But, I asked, “Why not follow in the footsteps of some of our past presidents, like Reagan and Clinton, and give $250,000 speeches to multinational companies and organizations?” Obama shook his head, “Nah, I’m more in the mold of our last president, George Bush. Man if I could paint like that guy, I’d be golden!”

When I pressed Obama on how he could possibly support his family on a comedian’s salary, he replied, “Heck, I’ve got Michelle. She’ll do OK. She will be the ex-first lady, after all. I hear an ex-first lady, and I won’t name names, gave two speeches at $200,00 a pop to Goldman Sachs.”

Obama told me the standup comedy would just be a springboard to his real secret ambition, to have his own sitcom. “Like Jerry Seinfeld?” I asked. “No more like George Lopez. Man that guy is funny!” Obama even shared with me some possible names for his sitcom. “I’m leaning towards “Barry in da House” but I’ve also given some thought to “Some People Like Barack.”

As I wished him well, he asked me if I ever heard the one about the Pope, the midget and the rabbi in a lifeboat with Raquel Welch. “I got a million of ‘em” said the President.

Something weird has been happening the past few months. High-ranking republicans have been beating the drums about the staggering increase in income inequality. They’ve complained about how the wealthy have benefited most from the recent economic recovery. So last week, House Republicans decided enough was enough. They overwhelming voted to repeal the estate tax!

When asked how this legislation squared with their newly found concern for the little guy, House Speaker John Boner said, with a straight face, “This legislation is meant to help the little guy, you know, the family farmer whose estate will have to sell the farm to pay the death tax.” When it was brought up that, under the current tax code, only estates worth over $5.43 million (individual) and $10.86 million (married couple) owe the tax, Boner replied, “Farmers are doing well these days. Have you seen the price of cauliflower?” Asked whether it was fair when this repeal amounted to a $269 billion tax give away to the super rich, Boner quickly snapped, “Of course repeal of the death tax is fair. We are all going to die, aren’t we? It doesn’t just affect the wealthy. It fairly affects everyone.” But Mr. Boner, I asked, statistics show that 99.8 percent of households do not pay any estate tax whatsoever, Boner became testy, “ Don’t try to use statistics to defend the government taking money from hard working Americans!”

I had a chance to interview one of those hard working American farmers, Earl Bob Hogwood. I asked Mr. Hogwood if he supported the legislation. “Heck yea, we don’t need no gubment taking more and more of our money.” When I asked Mr. Daniels the current value of his farm, he told me he thought the value was anywhere between $35,000 to $50,000, depending on whether or not the well runs dry. When I explained the odds of his estate having to pay any estate tax was zero, he replied, “I know the law only affects rich folk, but ain’t they the job creators? And anywho, once the gubment starts taking rich folk money, how long before they come after our guns and bibles.” On that note, the interview ended.