The Tan Man Lets His Hair Down

I was recently at one of my favorite D.C. watering holes and who do I see across the bar from me? None other than the Tan Man! I could see from the way he was hunched over his Johnny Walker he had been at the bar for a while. I decided to move over to his end of the bar and engage the man in conversation.

“Mr. Boehner,” I asked, “would you mind if I sit here?” “Last time I checked it was a free country. Go right ahead. What you drinkin?” he asked. I said I’d have whatever he was drinking. “Joe,” barked Boehner,” a Double Black for my friend here.”

I sensed the Speaker of the House was in a talkative mood so I plunged right in. “Mr. Speaker, Dick Cheney recently called President Obama the worst president in his lifetime. Do you agree? “No,” he chuckled, “the worst president in Cheney’s lifetime was Millard Fillmore! Now I can tell you the worst president in my lifetime… Dick Cheney!” “Sir,” I said, “you mean George W. Bush, don’t you?” Boehner quickly looked up from this scotch and repeated firmly, “As I said, Dick Cheney, the worst president in my lifetime!”

I decided to make a quick U-turn and asked Boehner about the Republican obsession with voter suppression. “Suppression!” Boehner snapped, “You mean voter fraud don’t you?” “But Sir,” I said, ”studies have shown that in-person voter fraud carries the same chance as winning the lottery … back to back.” “Look sonny,” said an agitated Boehner, “we Republicans know all about the facts. We’re not dumb, you know. But how are we going to stay in office unless we take drastic action? If all eligible voters were allowed to vote, the Republican Party would be deader than Kelsey’s nuts.”

“But Sir,” I said, “What about democracy and the idea that everyone’s vote matters?” “Yes,” replied Boehner, “everyone’s vote matters but elections are too important to leave to chance. This is about basic survival. Look what happened to the dodo bird, for Pete’s sake!” As I had no idea what the Speaker meant, I decided to try my luck elsewhere.

“Okay,“ I said. “Could you give me your thoughts on Hillary Clinton?” He looked at me with a sheepish grim. “You know, I like Hillary very much. Heck, in her prime, I thought she was one heck of a babe!” “No, Sir,” I said, “I mean what do you think of her as a presidential candidate? Can any republican beat her?” On that note, Boehner’s face turned even redder than usual. “There is no clown on our side of the aisle that could come close to beating her. She’s smart, ruthless, machiavellian, can play dirty and will do or say whatever it takes to win. She’s stolen our playbook, goddammit!” exclaimed the Speaker.

On that note, the man third in line to the presidency, gave me a hard pat on the back and walked away, “Voter fraud, laddy, our only chance!”