Archives for June 2015

In a show that imbecility has no bounds or borders, a Christian Australian couple has threatened to divorce if marriage equality becomes legal.

“Don’t make us do it!” pleaded Nick Jensen in an op-ed for the Canberra City News. “If our federal parliament votes to change the timeless and organic definition of marriage later on this year, it will have moved against the fundamental and foundational building block of Australian society and, indeed, human culture everywhere,” Jensen wrote.

Jensen and his wife, Sarah, have been married for 10 glorious years and have children together. But they are prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice if their government, in effect, nullifies their marriage contract by legalizing same-sex marriage.

“We are prepared to get divorced if that’s what it takes to save the sanctity of our marriage,” wrote Sarah.

When asked how same-sex marriage would in any way affect their own marriage, Mr.Jensen said,” Gay marriage would cheapen our marriage. It’s like being in an exclusive club and then the board of directors just let’s anybody in. Plus it’s a sin. Marriage is a sacred institution between one man and one woman. If the definition of marriage is changed, we don’t want any part of it. Holy matrimony is all about procreation. Children come from gendered dissimilarity,” observed Jensen.

When asked if their getting divorced is not also a sin, Jensen noted,” No, because we would still be married. You see, after our divorce, we’ll continue to live together, hopefully for another 50 years. And, God willing, we’ll have more children. We’ll also continue to refer to each other as “husband” and “wife” and consider ourselves married by the Church and before God. It may affect our tax-filing status, though.”

Some have criticized the couple as being bigoted, or as just being plain old publicity hounds. “Not in the least,” said Sarah. “But I must admit we have met with Mr. Murdoch (CEO Fox News) and there is some talk of our own reality series.” The working title for the show is currently “What We Did for Love.”

Just when you’re about to award Texas the gold medal for craziest state in the Union, there comes little old Kansas. A few months ago it was the unprecedented new restrictions on welfare beneficiaries. Governor Brownshirt signed into law a bill that bans welfare recipients from using their benefits at movie theaters, nail salons, pools and spas, liquor stores, jewelry stores, casinos or racing facilities, tattoo and piercing parlors, cruise ships, and other locations. An amendment to the bill that would have prohibited the use of welfare money at sushi restaurants surprisingly was voted down.

Now Gov. Brownshirt has signed a bill that threatens to defund the entire state’s judiciary if it has the nerve to rule against him on a case near and dear to his heart. Well, so much for the Constitution and the separation of powers.

When asked how such a law could pass judicial muster, Brownshirt stated, “ There is nothing unconstitutional about the law. It still honors the separation of powers. I, and the legislature, two of the three branches of government, have simply decided to separate governmental funding from the judiciary if they don’t do their job properly. In this country we believe in majority rule. In my book, two out of three not only “ain’t bad,” to quote Meatloaf, but it equals 66%.”

When Gov. Brownshirt was asked if the new law didn’t amount to tyranny, Brownshirt snapped, “Look the legislature did not vote to defund the judiciary. That would have been illegal. They only voted to threaten to do it. See the difference?”

With the news of Kansas’ lasted attempt to out-crazy Texas, Gov. Greg Abbot vowed to never be beaten at his own game. “Heck, I don’t see anything wrong with the Kansas law anyway. It’s certainly not crazier than my belief  the Federal government is about to takeover our great state and impose martial law.” I must admit Abbot makes a good point.

In a lively interview on “Fox News Sunday,” former Sen. Rick Santorum attempted to defend his remarks that Pope Francis should not be weighing in on the issue of climate change but should stick to saving souls. “The Church has gotten it wrong a few times on science,” said Santorum “ and should instead focus on “theology and morality.

The Pope is expected to release a groundbreaking encyclical – a papal letter sent to all the bishops of the Roman Catholic Church – connecting climate chance to human activity. The Pope will be making the case that climate change and its effects on the poor is a serious moral and religious concern.

Host Chris Wallace pointed out to Santorum that he often talks about climate change, even though he is not a scientist. Wallace went on to note that Pope Francis is not only a religious leader but also a chemist.

After admitting that the Holy Father can talk about whatever he wants to, Santorum went on to say that the topic of climate chance might not be the best issue for the Pontiff to “use his moral authority for.”

“He would say he’s protecting the earth,” replied Wallace.

“I would say that that’s an important thing to do, but I think there are more pressing problems confronting the earth than climate change,” Santorum said. And if you look at Santorum’s rhetoric, those issues can best be summarized as… abortion, birth control, abstinence, premarital sex and gay marriage. One could say that Santorum has made a political career infringing on the Pontiff’s turf.

Earlier this year, House Speaker John Boehner invited the Pope to address a joint session of Congress in September. I am guessing the Republican leader and fellow denier of climate change wishes he could revisit that decision!

“Oops! There it is” Rick Perry says he’s learned his lesson this time around. He is taking running for President more seriously and is better prepared.

A major part of the Perry makeover has been the $500 Jean Lafont glasses he has been wearing for the past year. Picked out by his wife, the dark professorial specs give Perry the visual gravitas that should counter the dumb cowboy image from the last go-round.

Perry’s chances for the 2012 presidential contest took a major hit when he couldn’t count up to three during one of the presidential debates. It was the infamous “oops” moment.

There is no doubt wearing glasses tends to make the wearer look smarter. Just look at sister Sarah. Many people believe that Sarah Pallin wearing Tina Fey glasses was a major reason for her political rise.

Besides the new nerdy look, Perry has also spent time on book learning. He has had tutors brushing him up on topics that are sure to be important in the next round of debates, such as the economy, foreign affairs and that whole Caitlyn Jenner thing.

When asked what made him think he had a shot at the Presidency this time around, Perry replied. “Have you seen the competition? Ted “Herman Munster” Cruz, Marco “Babaloo” Rubio, Lindsey “Miss Daisy” Graham; Dr. Ben “Casey” Carson; Rick “The Pope” Santorum… are you kidding me? Shoot, I got as good a shot as any of ‘em!”

With that brilliant piece of observation, perhaps the new and improved Perry can shed his dumb cowboy image after all!