Archives for August 2015

Funny thing about Trump… the more outrageous his statements, the more his supporters love him. The more offensive his language, the more his poll numbers rise. The more mainstream Republicans and the media criticize him, the more popular he gets.

For anyone else, calling Mexican immigrants “criminals, drug dealers and rapists” would be the end of a political career. For your average politician to say John McCain is “ not a war hero… because he was captured,” would cause a major backlash. For any other public figure to suggest Megyn Kelly of Fox News is a “bimbo,” would have women taking to the streets.

What is it about Trump? Do the laws of politics/nature not apply to him?

Finally, a team of forensic scientists has uncovered Trump’s secret weapon … his head of golden flax! Scientists have determined the “thing” on top of Trump’s head is actually a “Teflon shield,” repelling any criticism leveled his way. “He’s a modern day Samson, if you will,” observed Dr. Vincent Boombatz, “ his strength, and protection, comes from the hair.”

Now that scientists have uncovered Trump’s defense mechanism, it seems so clear in hindsight. Think about it …has Trump’s coif been seen anywhere else in the natural world? Some experts speculate it is some type of “bionic weave.”

John Gotti, an infamous New York gangster who worked his way up the criminal ladder to become head of the Gambino crime family, was euphemistically known as the “Teflon Don.” No matter how many charges were brought against him by law enforcement, nothing stuck.

The American public may today be looking at the “Teflon Don-ald.”

Photo | russia-insider.com

Adding fuel to the belief that Donald Trump’s candidacy is a secret Democratic plot, the Washington Post has reported that Trump conducted a secret conversation with Bill Clinton just days before announcing his bid for the Republican presidential nomination. No one knows for sure what the two men talked about, but if you’re a Republican conspiracy theorist, it probably went something like this:

Trump: “Hey Bill, what’s up dude?

Clinton: “Oh, the usual. Making a few million here, a few there. You know how it is.”

Trump: “Listen, I need a little advice. You know how I’m always threatening to run for president, right? Well, a strange thing is happening. I’m being told by my pollsters I got a good chance of  attracting a following this time around. What do you think?”

Clinton: “Wow, that’s messed up! But I got to tell you there might be gold here. If your pollsters are right, you might really be able to shake things up with that weak excuse of Republican candidates.”

Trump: “So true. Cruz, Huckabee, Perry, Fiorina … all losers. Give me a break!”

Clinton: ”You want my advice? Go with it! Should be good for a few laughs. It certainly will help Hill. How about this, you go total Tea Bag batshit on them? You know, say the things all those losers like Bush and Walker are thinking but are afraid to say. Stuff the low information, Fox News base will just eat up.”

Trump: “Yeah, I could put those weasels on the spot. They either attack me and piss off their base or let me slide and piss off everybody else. What do you think I should make my signature campaign issue?”

Clinton: “Well, the base has strong feelings on Mexican immigration. How about this… in your speech announcing your candidacy, you say Mexico is sending us their drug dealers, criminals and rapists?”

Trump: “There’s a reason why people call you the greatest political strategist alive. But isn’t that a little over the top?”

Clinton: “No way. In fact, I predict your poll numbers will jump with a comment like that!”

Trump: “Ok. I’m in for real this time. Should be fun for however long it lasts … a few weeks, a month?”

Clinton: “Great! I’ll tell Hill. She will just pee her pantsuit!”

Trump: “Funny Bill. Now is our tee time Sunday 8:30 or 9:30?”

Photo | eluniversal.com.mx

New Jersey Governor and Republican presidential candidate, Chris Christie, has revealed that he and Mary Pat have used birth control

“Yes, I’m a Catholic and I believe in the teachings of the Church, but I’ve used birth control, and not just the rhythm method,” said Christie at a campaign stop in Manchester, New Hampshire. “I know using birth control is a mortal sin but I make sure to go to confession often.”

A reporter asked Christie if there were other Church doctrines, involving intimacy, he did not follow. “Well, in high school I once gave this girl a hicky. I don’t know the Church’s stance on that but I am betting the Pope is OK with it. He is a fairly liberal guy.”

“I know my church has a teaching against birth control,” Christie said. “Does that make me an awful Catholic because I believed and practiced that function during part of my life? I don’t think so. But you know what? I’m only going to find out when it is my time to be judged.”

Christie’s frankness about his sex life, while difficult to imagine, does comport with his motto “telling it like it is.” The delicate nature of the topic reminds many of George W. Bush’s answer when asked if he and Laura believed in oral sex.

“Not only do we believe in it, we practice it. You should hear the words that come out of that woman’s mouth when we’re doing “the dirty deed!” Bush famously said.

How Christie’s comments will play with the Republican Party’s socially conservative base remains to be seen. But if history is any guide (Bush) he will not pay a penalty for his honesty.

Photo | mrctv.org

After years of underfunding education and cutting teacher protections, Kansas can’t find enough teachers to fill their classrooms.

Teachers in Kansas have some of the lowest average pay in the nation. In 2014, the legislature voted to undo job protections for teachers facing dismissal. This past February, a bill passed the state Senate that would make it easier to jail teachers for teaching materials deemed offensive or inappropriate. Yet in spite of all this, teacher openings have gone begging.

Kansas school superintendent Alan Cunningham is very concerned. “As of this week, we have over 450 teacher/non-teacher openings posted on our website. This is twice the number we normally have this time of year.”

“Yes, I know that the constant teacher bashing by our governor and legislature has made it difficult to recruit new hires; I know we are asking our teachers to do more with less, without an increase in pay, but Kansas is such a beautiful state to live in,” Cunningham went on to say.

The current crisis is being met in creative ways. Members of custodial staffs, as well as the lunchroom staffs, have been asked to fill in for the missing teachers. “Yes, it will mean that hallways will not be mopped as often nor will food choices be as abundant, but desperate times call for desperate measures.” said Cunningham.

Jack Armstrong, head custodian of Silver Lake Schools, is now teaching physics class. “As Sam Cooke used to say, ‘I don’t know much about history, don’t know much biology.’ You remember the song, right? Well I know a few things about the concepts of energy and force. The harder you press down on a mop, the cleaner the surface tends to get.”

It appears that after so many attempts to de-professionalize teaching, Kansas has a problem finding and retaining teachers. And in other news, if you jump into a lake, you get wet.

Just days before the big Republican presidential primary debate, the Jeb! camp has devolved into open warfare. One faction wants Jeb! to aggressively attack Donald Trump’s racism, bigotry and outright lunacy. The other faction fears such a move would repel the very important Tea Party base any Republican candidate will need to win the nomination.

“If he comes across as too reasonable,” offered campaign manager, Danny Diaz, “he will turn off the angry, hate-filled, low-information base of the Party. On the other hand, if he tries to out crazy Trump or just lets his nonsense go unchallenged, Jeb! will turn off the moderates I believe we will need to win the general election.”

“Right now,” said Diaz, “our strategy is for Jeb! to simply play it by ear; attack when it seems prudent and let certain things slide when the situation calls for deference. Sort of a political rope-a-dope. There will be other candidates, you know, second-tier, who will surely attack Trump just to stir up some press.”

While Diaz’ thinking may be sound, it fails to take into account one important factor. Jeb! is not good thinking on his feet. When earlier this year Megyn Kelly of Fox News asked Jeb! the predictable question of whether, knowing what we know now, Jeb! would have invaded Iraq in 2003, he incredibly answered “of course, without a doubt!”

After Republican media mercilessly attacked Jeb! for his answer, conservative strategist, Ana Navarro, tried to undo the damage by incredibly claiming Jeb! “misheard the question!”

If Jeb! can’t handle a softball question such as Megyn Kelly’s, how will he have the judgment to know when to attack, or agree with, Trump?

In the game of golf, you are considered a bad player if you miss “tap in” putts (really, really short putts.) In politics you are considered a bad politician if you can’t handle a virtual “tap in” question.

Next week, Fox News will host the first Republican presidential primary debate. In preparation for the event, Fox asked its viewers to submit questions they wanted the frontrunner, Donald Trump, to answer. Here is Fox News’ top ten list of questions as selected by their loyal watchers.

1. Is that thing on your head a weasel or a ferret?
2. Which of your ex wives hit you up for the most cash?
3. Is it true you would appoint another woman, Sarah Palin, to the Supreme Court?
4. Boxers or briefs?
5. Polident or Dentu-grip?
6. Considering your bromance with Putin, would you dare look him in the eyes, like Dubya?
7. Is it true you would put slots in the Lincoln Memorial?
8. Can you name the top three federal agencies you would eliminate?
9. Is it true your boat, “Fugetaboutit,” would become the presidential yacht?
10. Any truth to the rumor you would turn the White House south lawn into a pitch and putt?

Fox News moderators, Megyn Kelly, Brett Baier and Chris Wallace have indicated they will try to ask candidate Trump as many viewer questions as practically possible. “After all, there are nine other viable candidates on that stage,” said Wallace. ”People want to hear from other presidential candidates who have better than a rats-ass chance of being the Republican nominee.”

While the other Republican presidential candidates were preparing for next week’s first presidential debate, Donald trump was off visiting his golf course in Scotland. A local reporter asked him whether his time might be better spent boning up for the debate. Trump replied,” Hey, I’m not a debater. I am who I am. I might do great or I might stink. Doesn’t matter, people will love me either way.”

“I’m way ahead in the polls,“ said Trump, ”with a double-digit lead over that pea brain Bush. He’s the one who needs to be worried. I went to Wharton, you know, and graduated with straight A’s. And I’m going to let you in on a little secret… I never opened a book, never studied for a test. I’m what they call a natural genius.”

“While the other losers in the field may be book smart, I am street smart. That’s what people love about me. I’m real, authentic, tell it like it is,” Trump added. Another reporter asked Trump if “telling it like it is” wasn’t Chris Christie’s campaign slogan. “Who do you think he stole it from! My lawyers would normally be looking into a lawsuit by now but it doesn’t look like Gov. Bridgegate will even make it to the debate stage. What’s he got, something like 0%?”

Trump went on to explain his strategy. “Look, I learned a lot from that Bush-Gore debate. You remember, the one where Gore came off as the goody two-shoes professor and Bush looked like the C student he was at Yale. OK, so Bush thought Africa was a country, thought the leader of Vietnam was Yao Ming. Didn’t matter. Voters felt Bush was the more genuine guy. And the rest is history.”

Trump later let that same reporter in on another little secret, “My favorite philosopher, George Carlin, once said, ‘never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.’ Now that’s strictly off the record. Got it?”

Natural genius, indeed!

Photo|CBSnews.com