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Archives for September 2015

Don Rickles Endorses Trump

September 15, 2015 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

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The “king of the insult comedians,” Don Rickles, has endorsed Donald Trump for president. The 89-year-old comic believes Trump is the right man for the job. Rickles observed, “He’s the fearless kind of guy we need as the leader of the free world. Who else has hair like that and has the nerve to be seen in public?”

When asked if he truly believed Trump had a chance against the other, more established candidates, Rickles replied, “ He’s got as good a chance as any of those other hockey pucks … and punkette. Carly Fiorina, now there’s a face only Stevie Wonder could love!”

Asked if Trump could win a presidential contest against the Democratic front-runner, Hillary Clinton, Rickles quipped, “Hey if the woman can’t satisfy Slick Willie, how can she satisfy America?”

Rickles revealed he has been a friend of the Trump family for over 65 years. “I remember Donnie when he was just a little snot nosed kid sitting on his mama’s lap. Even back then I could see the brilliant mind and potential greatness. In grammar school, he used to pay a few pennies to this big kid, Bruno, to bully the faggy kids out of their lunch money.”

When asked if Trump has the temperament to deal with other world leaders, Rickles snapped,” Oh sure! You put him in a room with Putin and I’m telling you there’d be a price toupee! Get it? Folks, I got a million of ‘em!”

On a more serious note, the lifelong Democrat, also known as “Mr. Warmth,” was asked why he was supporting a Republican. “Hey, some of my best friends have been Republican. Did you know Sinatra was a closet Republican? But the real reason? We insult comics stick together.”

Photo | ticketmaster.com

 

Filed Under: satire

The Real American Exceptionalism

September 14, 2015 By John DeProspo Leave a Comment

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“American exceptionalism” is best defined as the belief that America’s values, political system, and history are unique among all other nations and worthy of universal admiration. Mostly employed by conservative Republicans, the phrase has been used as a bludgeon against any American who would dare think otherwise. Those not buying into this belief have been labeled unpatriotic; traitors to their country.

Unfortunately, today’s “American exceptionalism” is best defined in a negative sense. Americans are “exceptionally” behind other developed countries in many key metrics that define an advanced society. Let’s take a look:

Americans are “exceptionally” violent – As recently observed by President Obama, gun violence is much worse in the US than other advanced countries. Per population, we kill each other with guns at a rate 297x more than Japan, 49x more than France, 33x more than Israel.

Americans are “exceptionally” Stone Age – In a Michigan State University survey, only 14 percent of American adults thought that evolution was “definitely true,” while about a third firmly rejected the idea. In European countries, including Denmark, Sweden, and France, more than 80 percent of adults surveyed said they accepted the concept of evolution.

Americans suffer “exceptional” poverty -The United States ranks near the bottom of the pack of wealthy nations on the measure of child poverty, according to a recent UNICEF report. Nearly one third of U.S. children live in households with an income below 60 percent of the national median income. With 32.2 percent of children living below this line, the U.S. ranks 36th out of the 41 wealthy countries included in the UNICEF report.

Americans suffer “exceptional” income inequality – The U.S. is nearly the most wealth-unequal country in the world, according to Global Wealth Report 2013. Out of 141 countries, the U.S. has the 4th-highest degree of wealth inequality, trailing only Russia, Ukraine, and Lebanon.

Americans are “exceptionally” less educated – United States is ranked 12th among the world’s nations in the proportion of people between the ages of 25 and 34 who have college degrees. A recent International Student Assessment (PISA) showed that teenagers in the U.S. slipped from 25th to 31st in math since 2009; from 20th to 24th in science; and from 11th to 21st in reading, according to the National Center for Education Statistics.

Americans have “exceptionally” less health insurance – The United States is the only major country that doesn’t guarantee the right of health care to its citizens. The World Health Organization ranked American health care 37th in the world, and in a recent study, the Commonwealth Fund ranked America’s health care system last on the basis of 21 indicative factors.

Perhaps Michael Moore best summed up “American exceptionalism”:

“This concept of American exceptionalism is the death of us. We know personally it does none of us any good walking around going “Yeah! Yeah!” That’s not the path to self-improvement. I mean, you can like yourself, and I do. I love the fact that I’m an American. I love this country. I love everything about what it means. But I also embrace the other side of it, and in doing so, it’s incumbent upon me as a citizen to want to help fix it.”

USA! USA! USA!

Image courtesy of vectorolie at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Top 10 Questions For CNN Republican Presidential Debate

September 13, 2015 By John DeProspo 22 Comments

The second prime-time Republican presidential debate will air this coming Wednesday, September 16th on CNN. If history is any guide, the debate will attract a significant viewership.

Here are the Top 10 questions I would ask all the candidates to answer:

  1. Do you believe the Earth is thousands or billions of years old?
  2. Do you believe the United States of America is a Christian nation?
  3. Do you agree with the Supreme Court’s decision on gay marriage?
  4. Do you believe in a government shutdown if Planned Parenthood is not defunded?
  5. Do you agree with Roe v. Wade?
  6. Do you believe a person, based on their religious beliefs, should only follow a law if they think “it is right,” as proposed by Mike Huckabee?
  7. Knowing what we know now, do you believe the invasion of Iraq was a good idea?
  8. Do you agree with Donald Trump’s idea to build a 1900-mile fence along the U.S.- Mexico border and the deportation of 11 million immigrants?
  9. Do you believe President Obama is an American-born Christian?
  10. Do you agree with the Pope that global warming is man-made?

Will any of the moderators for the upcoming debate have the nerve to ask any of the above questions? While it is unlikely, I am hoping at least one of the questions will be asked of all the candidates. These would-be “leaders of the free world” need to be put on the spot.

Get out the popcorn. Should be a hoot of a debate!

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Filed Under: politics

Three Reasons Why Perry Ends Campaign

September 12, 2015 By John DeProspo Leave a Comment

Texas Governor Rick Perry, a possible Republican candidate for the 2016 presidential race, answers a question about his indictment in Texas on two felony counts of abuse of power during an appearance at a business leaders luncheon in Portsmouth, New Hampshire August 22, 2014. REUTERS/Brian Snyder (UNITED STATES - Tags: POLITICS CRIME LAW BUSINESS)

Yesterday, former Texas Gov. Rick Perry announced the end of his 2016 presidential campaign at an event in St. Louis, Missouri.

“Unlike my 2012 run, I tried my best this time around,” said the weary-looking Republican. “I studied up real hard on foreign policy, domestic policy, you name it, but it wasn’t good enough.” Perry’s ranking in most national polls never got above 2%.

Perry stated there were three reasons why he was abandoning his quest for the presidency.

“One,” said Perry, “my campaign is flat broke. I just don’t have the guns to go up against the big boys … and girl. I’m not a billionaire like Donald Trump. Two, the whole glasses thing didn’t work. It seemed like a good idea at the time but no one bought that I was smarter than the last go-round. And three, ah, ah, and three…I forgot. Oops!”

Members from the audience tried to help the forgetful Perry by shouting out potential third reasons. “You’re just not presidential material?” someone offered. “You’re just another Texas dim-wit?” was also heard.

After apologizing to the audience for another “oops” moment, Perry observed, “”We have a tremendous field – the best in a generation – so I step aside knowing our party is in good hands, and as long as we listen to the grassroots, the cause of conservatism will be too.”

When Perry was asked if he would be endorsing any of the remaining candidates, he replied coyly, “I may endorse Jeb or Scott or Carly or Marco. I’ll have to wait to see what my handlers tell me.”

Photo | Reuters

Filed Under: satire

Trump Comes In Second In New Survey

September 11, 2015 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

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In a shocking new MM survey, Donald Trump has come in a distant second in Republican voters’ choice for presidential nominee. The Trump camp immediately dismissed the new polling as an outlier. The most amazing part of this new MM poll is that Trump is losing to a hypothetical candidate!

When asked to choose among the 17 declared Republican candidates plus this new, non-existent candidate, Trump comes in with 27% of the vote to the imaginary candidate’s whooping 51%. Who is this Trump-buster Moron Majority added to the list of candidates? Voters were given the choice of selecting,  “Any Juan other than these Bozos.”

Here are the full results of the MM survey:

“Any Juan other than these Bozos”….51%

Donald Trump….27%

Ben Carson….13%

Carly Fiorina….3%

Jeb Bush….2%

Scot Walker….1%

Ted Cruz….1%

Marco Rubio….1%

John Kasich….1%

Chris Christie….0%

Lindsey Graham….0%

Rick Perry….0%

Rick Santorum….0%

Bobby Jindal….0%

Mike Huckabee….0%

George Pataki….0%

Jim Gilmore….0%

Rand Paul….0%

Surprisingly, the new poll revealed that all factions of the conservative Republican base would embrace the hypothetical candidate. Pundits are predicting the new poll may give Mitt Romney the encouragement needed to make a third try for the presidency.

Editor’s Note: It appears a significant typo was made in formulating the survey. Our apologies.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Filed Under: satire

Immigration Past And Present

September 10, 2015 By John DeProspo Leave a Comment

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Moronmajority.com occasionally receives emails from readers. Below is an email received from Gary Zucker, a loyal follower of this blog. I’ve decided to reprint it in toto.

I recently returned from a vacation in Rome and Greece and was amazed at the complexity of the architecture and engineering of early Western civilization.

In our relatively young country we have surpassed others in scientific advancement, largely as a result of the vast contributions of immigrants who came here to escape poverty and to build better lives for their families despite the bigotry and hateful rhetoric that greeted each of these groups.

Curiously, we hear this rhetoric again today from many of the descendants of these earlier immigrants. Donald Trump’s statement that not all of the immigrants entering the country illegally are criminals and that there are “some good ones” is designed to appeal to the basest human emotions of bigotry and hate.

In truth, the overwhelming majority of these individuals are fleeing terrible conditions. It’s not true that there are some good ones but rather, there are some bad ones, as there have been with every other immigrant group.

Gary Zucker, East Meadow, NY

 

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Five Disasters That Were Not Disasters According To Dick Cheney

September 8, 2015 By John DeProspo 4 Comments

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You have to hand it to old Dick. When it comes to admitting the Iraq War was one of the biggest blunders of all time, he’s as stubborn as a mule about wearing a suit and tie! To this day, he defends the Iraqi invasion as a “good idea”. Facts simply do not faze the man.

“I was a strong advocate of going into Iraq,” said Cheney during a PBS interview. “I think that was the right decision then, and I still believe that today.”

Cheney has that rare gift of shutting out reality and making the insane seem rational. He is still spinning one of the worst foreign policy debacles in American history into something worthwhile. Here is a list of other man-made disasters and how a wily Cheney would have spun them to make you think otherwise.

Sinking of the Titanic – “The goal of the maiden voyage was to create world-wide excitement and press coverage. I think they accomplished those goals.”

Hindenburg Disaster – “In theory, there is nothing wrong with filling an 800 foot-long balloon with hydrogen. If that guy in first class hadn’t ordered the flaming Baked Alaska, everything would have been fine!”

Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire – “I see nothing wrong with the owners locking the doors to the stairwells and exits. How else are you going to prevent workers from taking unauthorized breaks?”

Deep Water Horizon Oil Spill – “I’m an oil man and I can tell you there is nothing wrong with offshore drilling. Ocean water is liquid, so is oil. What’s the problem?”

Caitlyn Jenner – “ I don’t think he/she looks that bad!

Perhaps Paul Simon had Dick Chaney in mind when he penned this lyric from The Boxer: “The man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest… lie-la-lie …”

Photo | en.wikipedia.org

Filed Under: satire

What The Huck! Presidential Candidate Preaches Sedition

September 7, 2015 By John DeProspo 6 Comments

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Republican presidential candidate, and former Baptist minister, Mike Huckabee, is preaching a new message these days … sedition. On ABC’s “This Week.” Huckabee told host George Stephanopoulos Christian fundamentalist Kim Davis need not obey all man-made laws. She needs to only obey a law “if it’s right.” The Supreme Court and the Constitution be damned!

This is not the first time Huckabee has openly called for the rejection of governmental authority. This past April, he directed all those seeking to join the military to do so only after Obama left office, calling the supposed persecution of Christians in the military “one of the great tragedies of our time.”

Sedition is defined as, “the crime of saying, writing, or doing something that encourages people to disobey their government,” Merriam-Webster. By preaching disobedience of the law, the going-nowhere-fast presidential candidate is nothing but a false patriot at best, and a loathsome traitor to his country at worst.

But isn’t this the way of all fundamentalist Christians? Follow only those prescripts or commandments in the Bible you agree with. It’s all right to pick and choose. And heck, if you sin, you can always confess those sins to the Man in the Sky. He will forgive you.

Picking and choosing which religious commands to follow is one thing. At worst you can be labeled a hypocrite. Deciding which governmental laws to follow makes you guilty of a crime and anyone advocating such a position, a traitor.

Huckabee is trying to make a name for himself among Evangelicals. Saying provocative things such as you can choose “which laws are right” only gets him media attention. All this controversy is a great start to the promotion of his new book, “Follow Only The Laws You Think Are Right (wing).”

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Photo | washingtontimes.com

 

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Kim Davis, Just Another “Christian In Name Only”

September 7, 2015 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

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When asked under what, or whose, authority she refused to issue a marriage license to a same-sex couple, Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis, answered, “under God’s authority.” Unfortunately God has yet to come to her aid as she prepares to spend her fifth night in jail for violating a court order.

US District Judge David Bunning ordered Davis detained until she agreed to do her job of issuing marriage licenses to all eligible couples. Davis has remained defiant, however. She told the judge, “To issue a marriage license which conflicts with God’s definition of marriage, with my name affixed to the certificate, would violate my conscience. It is not a light issue for me. It is a Heaven or Hell decision.”

As God did not appear to testify on Davis’ behalf, Judge Bunning had no choice but to send her to jail.

Kim Davis, whose supporters are making her out to be a martyr, is nothing more than your average, run-of-the-mill “Christian in name only.” She uses her religious beliefs, however misinformed they may be, to justify her bigotry. I am somewhat familiar with the Holy Book but I have yet to find that section where God defines marriage as the union of one man and one woman. Perhaps God offered a personal, oral definition to Davis?

If Christ’s message could be pared down to just a single word, that one word would be love. And with love flows forgiveness, assistance to the less fortunate and not judging others. We’ve all heard “Do not judge so that you will not be judged” Matthew 7:1. But very few understand the meaning of those words.

When Jesus said we should not judge lest we be judged also, he was not saying that we are to never judge another’s behavior. He was offering a caution to make sure that we are willing to be judged by the same standard of judgment. This verse is not a warning against judging someone’s action. It is a warning against self-deception and hypocrisy.

For a woman who has committed adultery, having been married four times, to claim her actions are meant to preserve the sanctity and dignity of marriage, is laughable, yet so predictable. She is absolutely the last person to cast that first stone or be held up as the poster child of traditional family values. Just another “Christian in name only.” Move on, nothing to see here.

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Filed Under: Uncategorized

Trump Hints at VP Pick

September 6, 2015 By John DeProspo 4 Comments

240px-Clint_Eastwood_and_Chair

With the odds of Donald Trump becoming the Republican Party’s 2016 presidential standard-bearer growing by the day, speculation has centered on whom Trump might choose as his running mate. A top Trump adviser, who chooses to remain anonymous, has revealed Clint Eastwood as the consensus choice among the billionaire’s inner circle.

“Donald was so impressed by the speech Eastwood gave at the 2012 Republican National Convention. He rocked the room! That whole shtick with the chair was absolutely brilliant!” said the adviser.

Eastwood made an unannounced appearance at the 2012 convention, where Mitt Romney was nominated the Party’s presidential hopeful. His speech was mostly an improvised comedy routine where he addressed an empty chair representing President Obama. Eastwood implied that Obama (the chair) had uttered profanities directed both at Romney and himself, saying, “What do you want me to tell Romney? I can’t tell him to do that, he can’t do that to himself.”

While Eastwood’s performance was well received by the convention delegates, many critics thought the speech was “rambling and incoherent.”

Movie critic Roger Ebert, a big Eastwood fan, commented, “Clint, my hero, is coming across as sad and pathetic. He didn’t need to do this to himself. It’s unworthy of him”

When asked why an Eastwood pick makes sense, the adviser said, “Clint is a national hero. He’s tough, tells it like it is, just like Donald, and he has some political experience.” Clint Eastwood served as mayor of Carmel, a village in California of about 3500 residents.

When it was brought out that Eastwood’s tough guy image is just his acting persona; a role he plays, the adviser replied, “Look at Ronald Reagan. He basically played the role of president for eight years and today he is considered a saint. The public isn’t that sophisticated, and frankly, they don’t care. The perception is the reality.”

Judging by how Donald Trump, the TV celebrity, has enthralled all sectors of the Republican base, the adviser may be on to something.

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Filed Under: satire

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