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Archives for October 2015

Dark Knight To The Rescue – Cheney New House Speaker

October 12, 2015 By John DeProspo 8 Comments

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Breaking News – After failed efforts to tap Rep. Paul Ryan as their white knight, Republican House members have turned to former vice president Dick Cheney as their new leader. The ultraconservative House Freedom Caucus has fully endorsed the man many Democrats call the “Evil One.”

Rep. Jim Gordon, caucus chairman, said, “We are thrilled the vice president accepted our offer of becoming the new leader. As you may know, the Speaker of the House does not have to be an elected house member. He is the right man for a tough job.”

“Dick is a well-respected man who cares about the direction of this country; a man who knows how to get things done. He has the gift of persuasion. I don’t know anyone else who could have convinced George W. Bush invading Iraq was a good idea,” said Gordon. “Plus, Vice President Cheney has a big heart… ever since that last baboon heart transplant.”

When reached for comment, Cheney said he was happy to “get back into the action.” He directed some venom at current Speaker, John Boehner. “John is an honorable man, but can you really call him a leader? The man never grew a pair in all his years as Speaker. To get legislation passed, he had to go begging to that witch, Pelosi.”

When asked how he would bring order to the House; how he would get House Republicans to come together and stop their bickering, Cheney smirked and replied, “Easy, I will tell you in one word: waterboarding. Works every time.”

As a jester to the American people, Cheney is waiving the Speaker’s salary of $223,500. “Fortunately, I do not need the money. With the money I’ve made from Halliburton, there is plenty of money for me, my children, my grandchildren and great grandchildren.”

Whatever the weaknesses of John Boehner as Speaker, Cheney brings toughness in spades, including the rumored pair of large cajones.

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Photo | abcnews.com

 

 

Filed Under: satire

Plum Job Of House Speaker Goes Begging

October 11, 2015 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

After years of talking about job creation, House Speaker John Boehner finally delivered on his promise. By announcing his resignation from Congress, effective the end of October, Boehner created a job opening the likes of which is rarely seen. In fact, the job has been described as one of the most powerful, sought-after jobs in the nation.

But here’s the thing. No one seems to want the job!

Granted the job of House Speaker is a difficult one. Some have likened it to herding cats … feral cats. But the salary and benefits are sweet. And here’s the best part, anyone can apply for the job! You do not have to be an elected member of Congress to be Speaker.

Here is a list of the many benefits of the job:

  1. Salary, $223,000
  2. Free airport parking
  3. Free onsite gym
  4. Up to 239 days off
  5. Great retirement benefits
  6. $1.2 million allowance package
  7. No heavy lifting

There is one type of prior experience that, although not required, may be helpful … babysitting. You will have to have the skills and patience to deal with a group of irrational, childish men who are prone to temper tantrums.

Oops, almost forgot… if anything were to happen to the President and Vice President, you would take over as the leader of the free world!

If you think you’d like to apply, send your resume to:

The Honorable John A. Boehner                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            United States House of Representatives                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   1011 Longworth House Office Building                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Washington, D.C. 20515-3508

Good Luck! Really good luck.

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Filed Under: politics

R.I.P GOP – The Slow Death Of The Grand Old Party

October 10, 2015 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

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Looking at the chaos within the Republican Party, one cannot help but think of the boiling frog anecdote. It is a tale of slow death. The premise is that if a frog is placed in boiling water, it will jump out, but if it is placed in cold water that is slowly heated, it will not perceive the danger and will be cooked to death.

Starting with the presidency of Ronald Reagan, who famously stated at his first inauguration, “Government is not the solution to our problem, government is the problem,” the party of Lincoln and Eisenhower has had the heat slowly turned up on itself by a far right fringe that always existed within its ranks. The slow process of listing further right over the years culminated with the wholehearted embrace of the radical Tea Party after the election of Barack Obama in 2008.

The problem with the GOP isn’t only with what’s taking place in the House, where a small group of mostly TeaBaggers, paradoxically calling themselves the Freedom Caucus, will not support any Speaker who dares speak the word “compromise,” it can also be seen in the Republican presidential nominating contest.

The Republican frontrunner for the nomination is a TV celebrity/ real estate billionaire who is as loony as they come. The man with zero political experience is followed by a Christian fundamentalist doctor and a failed CEO… all with the same political experience: zip, nada. Could there be more of a repudiation of the party establishment than this?

But all this begs an important question: who is the party establishment? Who are the leaders of the GOP? If you were to answer Roger Ailes or Rush Limbaugh, you’re probably not far off. That listing boat is today totally rudderless.

What we are witnessing is something not very often seen … the death of a political party as we once knew it. The process leading up to its demise was slow and steady, too gradual for the Grand Old Party to notice and jump out of the pot.

The story of the frog in boiling water is a metaphor for the inability or unwillingness of someone or something to react to threats that occur gradually, such as having your political party hijacked by a bunch of political nihilists.

R.I.P GOP. Sorry, but no one will miss you.

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Image courtesy of Photography by BJWOK at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

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A House Divided Against Itself

October 9, 2015 By John DeProspo 6 Comments

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On June 16, 1858, at the Republican State Convention in Springfield, Illinois, a lanky, rather homely politician was chosen as the party’s senatorial candidate. When it was time to address his Republican colleagues, the nominee uttered these famous words, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” Of course the politician, Abe Lincoln, would lose that particular election but go on to bigger and better things.

To say the Republican house (both literally and figuratively) is in disarray is beyond an understatement. It is what happens when a national party sells its soul to the Devil for short-term political gain.

By embracing the Tea Party fanatics only a few years ago, the GOP is reaping what it sowed. The lunatics have taken over the asylum. The welcomed guest is about to devour its host.

By voting in radicals whose mantra was Reagan’s  “government is not the solution to our problem; government is the problem;” and who believed the Federal government should be shrunk in size so it could be “drowned in a bathtub,” Republican voters are now seeing that those “fresh, new, anti-establishment” Tea Baggers they liked so much actually meant what they preached.

The United States House of Representatives, divided against itself, needs a new Speaker… but no one wants the job! It’s a dead-end; a career-ender for any ambitious politician. That is why Paul Ryan, the one person with the most support, keeps saying ‘no’ to what was once seen as a dream job. What Speaker wants to be the adult in the room with a group of spoiled children who refuse to share or compromise? Who would want to preside over such a dysfunctional mess? No thanks!

Rep. Tom Reed (R. N.Y.), a big Paul Ryan supporter and fellow member of the House Ways and Means Committee, is just one of many House members begging Ryan to become the next Speaker.

“Obviously, being a vice presidential candidate, there’s a calling to serve,” Reed said. “I think what he’s going through is making the analysis of how best can he serve the country, how best can he serve the American people. And that’s why this is a tough decision for him.”

No, Rep. Reed. Paul Ryan is not thinking of how best to serve his country or the interests of his party. He is looking out for what’s best for a young politician who has aspirations much greater than House Speaker. Even though Speaker of the House is only second in line to the presidency, his sights are set on something much higher: the Oval office.

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Photo | theblaze.com

Filed Under: politics

Real Clown Enters Republican Race, Trump Troubled

October 9, 2015 By John DeProspo Leave a Comment

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It was only a matter of time. As some second-tier candidates are preparing to exit the Republican presidential contest, one well-known celebrity has just announced his entry into the race: Bozo the Clown.

Rience Priebus, Republican National Committee chairman, has confirmed Bozo is now an official candidate for the 2016 race. “All the proper papers have been filed with the FEC and Mr. Bozo meets all the constitutional requirements to run for president. We now look forward to see how he performs in the glaring spotlight of the center ring.”

The odds are high that Bozo will make it into the next debate scheduled for October 28, 2015. New polling just released by Quinnipiac University shows Bozo the Clown with 23% support, trailing only Donald Trump at 25%.

“I am so thrilled to have this opportunity,” said Bozo, “It has always be a dream of mine to run for public office.” When asked what could possibly make someone with zero political experience think he would be an effective politician, especially as president of the United States, Bozo answered, “ The three leading candidates for the Republican party have as much political experience as I have.” Bozo was referring to Donald Trump, Ben Carson and Carly Fiorina.

“It is obvious the Republican field has room for another clown,” said Bozo.” I keep hearing a clown has been at the top of the polls for nearly four months. And now, his numbers are slipping! Frankly, other than the hair, I don’t see much effort on his part in trying to appear clownish. This country is hungry, and ready,  for a true, bona fide clown.”

When asked what his campaign slogan would be, Bozo replied, “A Rubber Chicken In Every Pot! My campaign advisers say it’s a winner.”

Asked if there is one main issue he would focus on, Bozo said, “Yes. Animal cruelty. I’ve seen trainers abuse lions and tigers and bears. Did I just say ‘lion and tigers and bears?’ Oh my! Hehe.”

The next Republican presidential debate should be a ratings bonanza for debate sponsor CNBC. Already the cable network is promoting the telecast as “The Battle Of The Clowns … Really.” Stephen Sondheim’s “Send In The Clowns” is expected to be played as the candidates enter the debate hall. This will be followed by Patsy Cline’s immortal, “Crazy.”

Photo | www.syracuse.com

 

Filed Under: satire

Kasich Pulls A Huntsman

October 8, 2015 By John DeProspo 4 Comments

 

kasichvideoThe Republican presidential candidate once most feared by Democrats has just about thrown in the towel. Ohio Gov. John Kasich has told his party’s fanatical religious base to go shove it. Well, he did not do so in so many words.

Speaking at a Q&A session hosted by the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce earlier this week, the candidate who likes to call himself a “compassionate conservative” (now where have I heard that before?), talked about his willingness to do what he feels is right even if that puts him at odds with members of his own party.

Kasich, realizing that his chances for the nomination are slimmer than Chris Christie running a marathon up the Great Wall of China, called out his party’s base for being hypocrites. In defending his decision to expand Medicaid under the Affordable Care Act, he suggested his detractors do one simple thing: read the Bible.

It seems with a remark like that, the man just doesn’t care any more about his poll numbers, which have been on a steady decline. The NBC News/Wall Street Journal/Marist poll, out this week, shows Kasich has fallen from second place in New Hampshire (after the first presidential debate) to a tie for seventh.

You have to give the old-fashioned conservative credit. He is not afraid to antagonize his party’s conservative activists as he lectures them on the moral obligation to help the poor. In fact, be boasts about his heresies, “We also believe in early childhood education. . . . We’ve invested a ton of money in K-through-12 education. . . . I’m somebody that’s not at war with organized labor.”

Much like Jon Huntsman in his 2012 run for the Republican presidential nomination, Kasich is seen as a RINO (Republican In Name Only) by today’s rabid Republican base… just another well-spoken, experienced moderate conservative favored by the Republican intelligentsia but going nowhere fast.

When asked about his struggling campaign, Kasich said, with more than a hint of sarcasm, “some people just don’t get me.”

No, John, many people do get you. It is just your party that doesn’t. Perhaps after the inevitable comes, it may be time to switch teams. Just saying.

Photo  | johnkasich.com

Filed Under: politics

Pope Gets Punked, Now Hell To Pay

October 7, 2015 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

Pope-Francis

“Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been 48 years since my last confession. Oh Holy Father, I foolishly believed you secretly met with that four-time divorcee and Evangelical martyr, Kim Davis while on your visit to Washington D.C. I did believe you supported her in her efforts to deny marriage licenses to same sex couples. I thought you were cool with her disobeying the law and refusing to do the job she was elected to do. I will never doubt you again.”

The plot to undermine Pope Francis is slowly being reported by some news outlets. But it will never make the headlines or have the legs as the original bombshell of the pontiff’s “secret audience” with Mrs. Davis. To many progressives, the news came as a major disappointment and undermined all the good will generated by the pontiff during his first visit to the United States. When Kim Davis bragged about how the Pope supported her position and how that “kind of validates everything,” it was almost too much for many of the Pope’s admirers to bear.

But now we learn, through the Vatican press office, that the only one-on-one meeting the Pope had during his time in Washington, D.C. was with Yayo Grassi, an openly gay man and former student of the Pope’s. Kim Davis was just one of a group of admirers with whom the Pope exchanged kind pleasantries. The brief meeting should not be interpreted as an endorsement of her views, the press office emphasized.

Did the meeting with Davis come about because of the Pope’s request? No, Archbishop Carlo Maria Vigano, who scheduled all of the Pope’s D.C. meetings, arranged it. The Archbishop is well known for not being a fan of the current pope but a big supporter of his more conservative predecessor, Pope Benedict.

During his U.S. visit, Pope Francis made a deliberate attempt to stay away from hot-button issues, such as abortion and same sex marriage. In fact, he did not refer to those issues in any of his speeches.. That’s what made the news of the private meeting with Davis seem so incongruous.

Was the meeting a mistake or a deliberate act by the Archbishop to embarrass the Pope?

In an effort to make it clear that the Holy See in no way endorses Kim Davis’ bigotry, the New York Times is reporting that Vigano is “likely to be removed at the first respectable opportunity” if blowback from the meeting with Davis continues to build.

“What was that, Holy Father, three “Hail Marys” and two “Our Fathers” … or the other way around?”

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Photo | gazattereview.com

Filed Under: politics

Trump’s Exit Strategy Finally Revealed

October 6, 2015 By John DeProspo 13 Comments

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The man who hates quitters, may himself be a quitter. Donald Trump told Chuck Todd, host of NBC’s “Meet The Press,” that if his poll numbers started going south, he would leave the GOP race and go back to his business.

“Number one — I’m not a masochist,” said Trump. “And if I was dropping in the polls where I thought I wasn’t gonna win, why would I continue? I’d go back to my business. I have no problem with that.”

Finally, the long awaited Trump exit strategy!

As anyone who has been following the polling will tell you, Trump’s national poll numbers are all headed in one direction: down. This was inevitable; as predictable as your Aunt Ruthie flying south to Florida every winter. The old line of “I’ll tell you what I’ll do once I’m in office … trust me, I’ll make this country great” is wearing thin for a number of Trump supporters. They are starting to see through the con. They are gravitating to candidates with real policy chops.

You can only defy political gravity for so long. Yes, there will always be a group of hardcore  Trumpites who will stick with the showman no matter what. But at perhaps 20% of Republican voters, they just aren’t enough to seal the deal for Trump. I’m going to go out on a limb here, but I believe this scenario was always his plan.

Will he run as a third party candidate? Fuggedaboutit! With all his early bluster of not ruling out a third party run, the man was doing what any good businessman would do. The guy who wrote “The Art Of The Deal” was simply using his leverage. He has not intention, nor did he ever, of making good on what was always a bargaining chip.

If Trump’s goal was to market his brand to the largest possible audience, he succeeded beyond his wildest dreams. If his goal was to bring down the early Republican frontrunner, Jeb Bush, he did so fabulously. If his goal was to entertain people normally not involved with politics and create a ratings bonanza for the media, he is a superstar!

There is no doubt Trump will milk this for all it’s worth. Only Trump will know the right time to retreat. But once the table turns against him, like any smart gambler, he will pick up his chips and cash out big time, all the while thinking, “All went according to Hoyle! Those losers!”

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Photo | nbcnews.com

Filed Under: politics

What The Bajeezus, Trump’s For Real!

October 5, 2015 By John DeProspo 4 Comments

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For all those who believe Donald Trump is seeking the Republican presidential nomination as a joke, as I once did, we now have clear evidence to the contrary. For all those skeptical Trump watchers who think the Donald’s quest for the Republican presidential nomination is fake, I suggest you think again. For all those naysayers who believe the man is doing all this to set-up his new reality show or to promote a forthcoming book, I would like for you to consider this … Donald Trump had hands laid on him by a group of crazy Evangelicals.

Donald Trump is a self-described germaphobe. He hates handshakes. He doesn’t like being touched. He has even admitted he doesn’t like to push a ground floor elevator button because it’s been tapped by so many people!

In what can be only be described as his weirdest political stunt so far, the GOP presidential frontrunner met and prayed with about 40 “religious leaders” in his Trump Tower office last week. And he allowed the crazies to press some flesh!

If you haven’t seen the video, you owe it to yourself to watch (YouTube). The highlight comes towards the end of the performance when a Jews For Jesus rabbi (hum, I thought that’s the definition of a Christian?), lays his hand on Trumps forehead. Trump reflexively reaches to repel the fake rabbi’s hand as it is about to touch him, but pulls back at the last second. That had to be so hard.

Only a true candidate would go through such a trying and painful experience. Only someone who is in it to win would put up with what must have seemed like an eternity just to pander to what I’m sure Trump secretly believes are right-wing, religious headcases. As I watch Trump’s unease and pained facial expression, he looks to me like a man who hasn’t had a good bowel movement in quite some time.

I had to laugh at the delicious irony of listening to the “religious leaders” offer up prayers for a man who most likely has never read a biblical passage in his life! As Trump stood there, clutching a Bible, I couldn’t help but think, “This man is as much a man of God as I am the illegitimate son of the Dalai Lama.”

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Filed Under: politics

United States Sen. Marco Rubio, Washington Outsider

October 4, 2015 By John DeProspo 4 Comments

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As of today, the Republican Party has a total of 15 candidates seeking the party’s presidential nomination. If you are convinced, as I am, that Donald Trump will not be the party’s nominee, just who will it be?

One establishment candidate has already called it quits (Walker) and another (Bush) seems to be continually sticking his foot in his mouth. The “stuff happens” gaffe made after the Oregon College gun massacre is just the latest in a steady string of faux pas. (see What’s Wrong With Jeb?)

What was touted as an embarrassment of riches only a few months ago is now just an embarrassment. How could so much equal so little? There doesn’t appear to be an “A” student in the class.

The smart money right now seems to be moving behind Marco Rubio. But at a time when Republican voters are flocking towards candidates with zero political experience, how does the Senator from Florida paint himself as a Washington outsider?

“Four years ago, for the United States Sen­ate, the es­tab­lish­ment was act­ively try­ing to un­der­mine my can­did­acy,” Ru­bio recently told an audience in Davenport, Iowa.

“The truth of the mat­ter is, when I de­cided to run for the pres­id­ency, all the same people that told me not to run for the Sen­ate came out of the wood­work again and said, ‘It’s not your turn; you haven’t been around long enough; we’re all go­ing to line up be­hind some­body else,’” Ru­bio said. “And that’s fine. That’s OK.”

Will this well-calculated stratagem resonate with Republican voters sick of establishment candidates? Probably not. Even the dimmest voter will understand Rubio is talking about four years ago, before the Cuban American defied the odds and made it to Washington; before the outsider became an insider.

Marco Rubio’s profile as a good-looking 43-year-old with just four years of experience in the Senate is awfully reminiscent of Barack Obama’s in 2008. But as Texas Sen. Lloyd Benson said to the young Dan Quayle during the 1988 vice presidential debate, after he defended his inexperience as similar to that of John F. Kennedy, “Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy. I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you are no Jack Kennedy.”

Senator Rubio, with all due respect, you are no Barack Obama.

 

Photo | marcorubio.com

 

 

Filed Under: politics

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