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Archives for 2015

Five Disasters That Were Not Disasters According To Dick Cheney

September 8, 2015 By John DeProspo 4 Comments

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You have to hand it to old Dick. When it comes to admitting the Iraq War was one of the biggest blunders of all time, he’s as stubborn as a mule about wearing a suit and tie! To this day, he defends the Iraqi invasion as a “good idea”. Facts simply do not faze the man.

“I was a strong advocate of going into Iraq,” said Cheney during a PBS interview. “I think that was the right decision then, and I still believe that today.”

Cheney has that rare gift of shutting out reality and making the insane seem rational. He is still spinning one of the worst foreign policy debacles in American history into something worthwhile. Here is a list of other man-made disasters and how a wily Cheney would have spun them to make you think otherwise.

Sinking of the Titanic – “The goal of the maiden voyage was to create world-wide excitement and press coverage. I think they accomplished those goals.”

Hindenburg Disaster – “In theory, there is nothing wrong with filling an 800 foot-long balloon with hydrogen. If that guy in first class hadn’t ordered the flaming Baked Alaska, everything would have been fine!”

Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire – “I see nothing wrong with the owners locking the doors to the stairwells and exits. How else are you going to prevent workers from taking unauthorized breaks?”

Deep Water Horizon Oil Spill – “I’m an oil man and I can tell you there is nothing wrong with offshore drilling. Ocean water is liquid, so is oil. What’s the problem?”

Caitlyn Jenner – “ I don’t think he/she looks that bad!

Perhaps Paul Simon had Dick Chaney in mind when he penned this lyric from The Boxer: “The man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest… lie-la-lie …”

Photo | en.wikipedia.org

Filed Under: satire

What The Huck! Presidential Candidate Preaches Sedition

September 7, 2015 By John DeProspo 6 Comments

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Republican presidential candidate, and former Baptist minister, Mike Huckabee, is preaching a new message these days … sedition. On ABC’s “This Week.” Huckabee told host George Stephanopoulos Christian fundamentalist Kim Davis need not obey all man-made laws. She needs to only obey a law “if it’s right.” The Supreme Court and the Constitution be damned!

This is not the first time Huckabee has openly called for the rejection of governmental authority. This past April, he directed all those seeking to join the military to do so only after Obama left office, calling the supposed persecution of Christians in the military “one of the great tragedies of our time.”

Sedition is defined as, “the crime of saying, writing, or doing something that encourages people to disobey their government,” Merriam-Webster. By preaching disobedience of the law, the going-nowhere-fast presidential candidate is nothing but a false patriot at best, and a loathsome traitor to his country at worst.

But isn’t this the way of all fundamentalist Christians? Follow only those prescripts or commandments in the Bible you agree with. It’s all right to pick and choose. And heck, if you sin, you can always confess those sins to the Man in the Sky. He will forgive you.

Picking and choosing which religious commands to follow is one thing. At worst you can be labeled a hypocrite. Deciding which governmental laws to follow makes you guilty of a crime and anyone advocating such a position, a traitor.

Huckabee is trying to make a name for himself among Evangelicals. Saying provocative things such as you can choose “which laws are right” only gets him media attention. All this controversy is a great start to the promotion of his new book, “Follow Only The Laws You Think Are Right (wing).”

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Photo | washingtontimes.com

 

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Kim Davis, Just Another “Christian In Name Only”

September 7, 2015 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

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When asked under what, or whose, authority she refused to issue a marriage license to a same-sex couple, Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis, answered, “under God’s authority.” Unfortunately God has yet to come to her aid as she prepares to spend her fifth night in jail for violating a court order.

US District Judge David Bunning ordered Davis detained until she agreed to do her job of issuing marriage licenses to all eligible couples. Davis has remained defiant, however. She told the judge, “To issue a marriage license which conflicts with God’s definition of marriage, with my name affixed to the certificate, would violate my conscience. It is not a light issue for me. It is a Heaven or Hell decision.”

As God did not appear to testify on Davis’ behalf, Judge Bunning had no choice but to send her to jail.

Kim Davis, whose supporters are making her out to be a martyr, is nothing more than your average, run-of-the-mill “Christian in name only.” She uses her religious beliefs, however misinformed they may be, to justify her bigotry. I am somewhat familiar with the Holy Book but I have yet to find that section where God defines marriage as the union of one man and one woman. Perhaps God offered a personal, oral definition to Davis?

If Christ’s message could be pared down to just a single word, that one word would be love. And with love flows forgiveness, assistance to the less fortunate and not judging others. We’ve all heard “Do not judge so that you will not be judged” Matthew 7:1. But very few understand the meaning of those words.

When Jesus said we should not judge lest we be judged also, he was not saying that we are to never judge another’s behavior. He was offering a caution to make sure that we are willing to be judged by the same standard of judgment. This verse is not a warning against judging someone’s action. It is a warning against self-deception and hypocrisy.

For a woman who has committed adultery, having been married four times, to claim her actions are meant to preserve the sanctity and dignity of marriage, is laughable, yet so predictable. She is absolutely the last person to cast that first stone or be held up as the poster child of traditional family values. Just another “Christian in name only.” Move on, nothing to see here.

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Filed Under: Uncategorized

Trump Hints at VP Pick

September 6, 2015 By John DeProspo 4 Comments

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With the odds of Donald Trump becoming the Republican Party’s 2016 presidential standard-bearer growing by the day, speculation has centered on whom Trump might choose as his running mate. A top Trump adviser, who chooses to remain anonymous, has revealed Clint Eastwood as the consensus choice among the billionaire’s inner circle.

“Donald was so impressed by the speech Eastwood gave at the 2012 Republican National Convention. He rocked the room! That whole shtick with the chair was absolutely brilliant!” said the adviser.

Eastwood made an unannounced appearance at the 2012 convention, where Mitt Romney was nominated the Party’s presidential hopeful. His speech was mostly an improvised comedy routine where he addressed an empty chair representing President Obama. Eastwood implied that Obama (the chair) had uttered profanities directed both at Romney and himself, saying, “What do you want me to tell Romney? I can’t tell him to do that, he can’t do that to himself.”

While Eastwood’s performance was well received by the convention delegates, many critics thought the speech was “rambling and incoherent.”

Movie critic Roger Ebert, a big Eastwood fan, commented, “Clint, my hero, is coming across as sad and pathetic. He didn’t need to do this to himself. It’s unworthy of him”

When asked why an Eastwood pick makes sense, the adviser said, “Clint is a national hero. He’s tough, tells it like it is, just like Donald, and he has some political experience.” Clint Eastwood served as mayor of Carmel, a village in California of about 3500 residents.

When it was brought out that Eastwood’s tough guy image is just his acting persona; a role he plays, the adviser replied, “Look at Ronald Reagan. He basically played the role of president for eight years and today he is considered a saint. The public isn’t that sophisticated, and frankly, they don’t care. The perception is the reality.”

Judging by how Donald Trump, the TV celebrity, has enthralled all sectors of the Republican base, the adviser may be on to something.

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Filed Under: satire

Caitlyn Jenner – A True Republican

September 5, 2015 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

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A lot of things about the former Bruce Jenner may be fake, but not her conservative-leaning political views. She is a 100%, dyed-in-the-wool Republican. And as a true Republican, she is 100% a hypocrite.

Speaking about marriage equality to Ellen DeGeneres, Jenner admits, “I was not for it. I’m a traditionalist.” In an interview that will air this coming Tuesday, Jenner explains, “But as time has gone on, I think, like a lot of people on the issue, I’ve really changed my thinking.”

The hallmark of conservative Republicanism is the total lack of empathy. Republican minds only change when an issue personally affects them. They will abandon a firmly held belief when it is in their self-interest to do so.

Another trait of right-wing Republicans is their lack of appreciation for the word “irony.” Caitlyn Jenner is a traditionalist? I dare say there is nothing remotely traditional about her. That she could still think of herself as a Republican is mind-boggling. A party that can’t see beyond black and white, both literally and figuratively, will never accept such a person as one of their own. How rich!

No one really knows if the person who has been married to three different women is still interested in women; whether this ongoing sexual preference has brought about the change in her thinking on “traditional marriage.” In her interview with DeGeneres, Jenner admits she is looking to find love again but was coy on whether that love will come from a woman or a man. What a tease! Keep watching this most fascinating transgender Republican, folks. Lets hear it for ratings!

Photo | Michael Rozman/Warner Bros.

 

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Kim Davis’ Exes Come To Her Defense

September 4, 2015 By John DeProspo 9 Comments

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Now that Kim Davis has spent her first night in a Kentucky county jail for refusing to obey a court order, her three prior husbands, Bobby Joe Klinger, Billy Scruggs, Jr. and Lester Pyle have come to her defense.

“I just want to say we all support our ex-wife,” said Klinger, who is acting as the group’s spokesman. “We still love Kim. Yes, we were all hurt by her but, through the love of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, we have found the strength to forgive her.” It seems Klinger needed the most strength, as Davis fathered twins by her third husband, Pyle, while still married to Bobby Joe.

“Kim has always been a strong woman,” Klinger went on to say. “Her belief in traditional marriage is so strong that she’s been through the holy sacrament four times. Now that shows true dedication and conviction in my book.”

“I know the Lord works in mysterious ways. If not for Kim divorcing us, we never would have ended up as good friends. Billy, Lester and me all bowl on the same team at Happy Valley Lanes. We like to share stories about being married to that amazing woman.”

Klinger announced the launch of a new website created by the trio, supportourex.com. “The purpose of the website is to raise money in support of our ex. While her lawyers are defending her free of charge, she still needs money for incidentals. Plus, as someone who has been in that county jail, I can tell you the food is downright nasty! We want to give Kim the change to order her favorite takeout.”

Her current husband, Orville Davis, is also supporting his wife in her principled stance on the sanctity of traditional marriage.” My wife is being persecuted for standing up for her religious beliefs. She’s prepared to be a martyr for as long as it takes… although I would like her home soon. The trailer is getting a little messy.”

Most of the Republican presidential candidates are defending Mrs. Davis.

The most forceful defense has come from Gov. Mike Huckabee. On Tuesday he said, “I spoke with Kim Davis this morning to offer my prayers and support. I let her know how proud I am of her for not abandoning her religious convictions and standing strong for religious liberty. She is showing more courage and humility than just about any federal office holder in Washington.”

The only two Republican candidates who believe Kim Davis should quit her job or follow the law are Sen. Lindsey Graham and Carly Fiorina. Some political observers have said the two have the luxury of being reasonable and sane, as they have no chance of ever securing the Republican presidential nomination.

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Editor’s note: This article is fictional. The fact is that, while Davis has indeed been married four times, she twice married the same husband… #2 is now #4. Got it?

Filed Under: satire

Top 10 Reasons Why Trump Will Never Be President

September 3, 2015 By John DeProspo 10 Comments

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It’s time for a reality check. While Donald Trump, so far, is dominating the polls and media coverage, it is way too early in the race to pronounce him a winner. Now that the election season is starting to get serious, expect some disquieting facts to surface about Mr. Trump. People in the know are saying once these facts come out, Trump’s chances of becoming President, let alone the Republican presidential nominee, are what Jay Z might label “slimmer than that chick in Calvin Klein pants.”

Here are the top 10 reasons why there will never be a President Trump:

  1. Secret sex tape with Justin Bieber made public
  2. That thing on is head is the pelt of an endangered species
  3. Al Sharpton was Trump’s best man at his first wedding
  4. He hooked up with Hillary while at Wharton
  5. He cheats at golf
  6. He fathered out of wedlock Mexican twins, Julian and Joaquin
  7. He fixed the 1970 Miss Universe pageant in favor of Miss Puerto Rico
  8. He is a closeted Deadhead
  9. He palled around with the Dalai Lama
  10. There just aren’t enough morons

Yes, I know, Trump has been called the “Teflon Donald” (see Trump’s Secret Weapon Revealed) by many savvy pundits; yes, there are some serious allegations about to be slung; and yes, his loyal followers will forgive and dismiss almost anything their savior says or does. But I can say with confidence, as someone who plays the game, even his most diehard supporters will never forgive him for cheating at golf!

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Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

Filed Under: satire

Christian Conservatives’ New Cash Cow – Religious Persecution

September 2, 2015 By John DeProspo 6 Comments

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Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis, the three-time divorcee, is still refusing to issue marriage licenses because her god does not want gays to marry. In her mind, doing the job she is being paid to do, would violate her conscience. It doesn’t matter that a state judge has ordered her to issue licenses, or that the Supreme Court has denied her appeal. The woman is simply acting on “god’s authority.”

Haven’t we seen this act before? Remember that Indiana pizzeria owner who said he would refuse to serve his pizza at a gay wedding? After being forced to close because of the backlash that erupted, the shop raised nearly $1 million dollars from supporters of bigotry. Not a bad payday!

Who knew pandering to conservative Christians could be so lucrative? Of course, I use the word “Christians” very loosely. These pious persecuted souls are not followers of Christ but CINO, Christian in name only. They couldn’t be more separated from the message their Lord and Savior preached.

If it hasn’t happened already, it won’t be long before Kim Davis’ camp starts cashing in by fundraising for this new Christian martyr, now on her fourth marriage. Could a book deal be far behind? And won’t this make a great, new Republican wedge issue?

Davis, who faces potential fines or jail time, remains resolute. “My beliefs cannot be separated from me,” said Davis. “”I’m willing to face my consequences.”

While Davis cannot be fired from her job, as she is an elected official, she can, and must, be held in contempt for failing to honor a court order. Perhaps a little jail time might make her realize that, according to her holy book, it’s no more of a sin for two gays to marry, than for two divorced adulterers to remarry (Matthew 19:3.9.) If issuing a marriage license to a same-sex couple would banish them to hell, as Davis has claimed, then the serial bride would not be too far behind.

One thing’s for certain. The more fines and jail time for Kim Davis, the more lucre flowing into her coffer. You can guess her thinking right now… bring it on!

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Photo | wjb-cpa.typepad.com

Filed Under: Uncategorized

The Rise Of Trump Signals The Fall Of The GOP

September 2, 2015 By John DeProspo Leave a Comment

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Today’s Republican Party leaders (whoever they may be) are stumped by Trump. The deeper the billionaire sticks his foot into his mouth, the higher his approval ratings. The more the mainstream, “real” Republican candidates try to go toe to toe with Trump, the more they get their teeth smashed in. Is there any stopping the Trump Express?

What is happening to the Republican Party is nothing more than karmic payback. To the eternal delight of Democrats and many Independents, the party that sold its soul a few short years ago to the TeaBag crazies, is now reaping what it sowed. Since 2008, the Republican Party has succumbed to its basest voices for short-term political gain; where compromise became a dirty word; were Barack Obama was the anti-Christ-Muslim-Kenyan set to destroy all that conservatives held near and dear. It’s as if the children started running the house … both figuratively and literally!

Whether or not Trump wins the Republican nomination is irrelevant. The damage has been done. The dirty laundry is being aired and that gaggle of mainstream Republican candidates looks weak and pathetic. If Trump becomes the party’s presidential nominee, the Republican Party is cooked. If Trump does not get the nomination, and makes good on his third-party threat, the Democrats win in a landslide … no matter whether the Democratic nominee is Hillary Clinton or SpongeBob Square Pants.

The political pendulum has always swung back and forth; from right to left; from retrenchment to progress. It looks as if the backward arc may have reached its apex and the pendulum is slowing, but surely, moving forward. It is not only the Republican Party’s bad deal with the devil that is doing them in, however. It’s shear demographics.

Now let’s see. Republicans have alienated gays, blacks, women, Hispanics, Asians, the poor, immigrants, and anyone who believes in science, education, justice, fairness and equality. Who’s left? Basically the very rich; those feeble-minded Fox fans and religious conservatives. The problem is there simply aren’t enough of those folks for them to win a national election.

Donald J. Trump … every liberal, progressive Democrat’s wish come true. RIP GOP.

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Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Palin Defends Trump On Bible “Gotcha Question”

September 1, 2015 By John DeProspo Leave a Comment

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Once again, Sarah has come to the aid of the Republican presidential frontrunner, Donald Trump (Stand By Your Man – Palin Defends Trump.) On her Facebook page, Palin wrote that when a reporter asked Trump to name his favorite Bible verse, after he touted the sacred book as his favorite of all time, it was just another “gotcha question.” So totally unfair! So out of line! This critique, mind you, is coming from the woman who thought Katie Couric’s question, “ which newspapers and magazines do you read” was of the “gotcha” variety.

Thanks to Palin, the term “gotcha question” has come to mean any question a politician can’t, or would rather not, answer. Today, when a reporter asks a politician an unwelcome, difficult or surprising question, it’s instantly labeled a “gotcha.” One thing’s for sure, when you hear a politician talk about a “gotcha question,” the reporter is doing his or her job well!

While Katie Couric’s question of Sarah Palin’s reading materials is perhaps the most famous Palin “gotcha question” (as labeled by Palin herself), here is a list of ten other questions Plain has described as “gotchas” but which never got the same media attention:

1.Can you name your children in chronological order?

2.What was your favorite subject in high school?

3.Is the Earth thousands or billions of years old?

4.Did you frame your college diploma?

5.Do you prefer boxers or briefs?

6.Should we deport all illegal immigrants or just Mexicans?

7.When will you launch your next presidential run?

8.Do you agree with the Pope on global warming?

9,Do you find it unseasonably warm today?

10.Miller Lite … “great taste” or “less filling?”

Yes, Sarah Palin will defend Trump at every opportunity. A reporter recently asked if she was angling to become Trump’s VP pick. The woman known for her “word salads” was only able to mutter, “Oh fiddle-de-dee!” At least she did not call the question a “gotcha!”

Trump- Palin would make an interesting ticket. But, alas, they would be appealing to the same ultra right, low -information base.

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Photo | telegraph.co.uk

Filed Under: politics

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