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Archives for March 2016

GOP Reveals Convention Floor Design

March 19, 2016 By John DeProspo 11 Comments

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Republican National Committee chairman, Reince Priebus, has unveiled the floor plan for the upcoming Republican National Convention.

“We are pleased with the work done by convention designer and architect, Art Vandelay. The RNC believes the setting will work well with the level of excitement anticiapted among our delegates.”

It is widely rumored Vince McMahon will be named Republican Convention Chairman.

The Republican National Convention will be held in Cleveland, Ohio at the Quicken Loans Arena July 18-21, 2016.

Photo | gamefaqs.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: satire

Come On Progressives … In Your Heart You Know She’s Right

March 18, 2016 By John DeProspo 4 Comments

Hillary Clinton at senate hearing

Progressive Democrats love Bernie Sanders in just about the same measure as they despise Hillary Clinton. For many, it’s “Bernie or Bust.” A good number of these so-called Democrats say they would just as soon stay home on Election Day, or vote for Donald Trump, than support the former Secretary of State. Their enmity for Clinton is that great.

There is no doubt Progressives are an emotional bunch. But the odds are great that, in time, passions will wane and cooler heads will prevail.

Progressives should be asking themselves one simple question: “Which candidate, Bernie or Hillary, would be more effective in dealing with the obstructionist Republicans in Congress?” The answer undoubtedly is Hillary Clinton.

Hillary knows how to play dirty, Bernie does not. The former First Lady has a good deal of experience in political hardball. She and Bill have a certain way of getting things done; of making sure they get their way.

Many long-time members of Congress remember the Bill Clinton presidency. They also remember the story of Vince Foster.

Vince Foster committed “suicide” July 20, 1993. In the spring and early summer of that year, the Clinton “Travelgate” scandal  erupted. It was one of a series of problems Foster was confronting – not only in his role as deputy White House counsel but – as in the case of “Whitewater” – in his role as personal lawyer for the Clintons.

Many Republican conspiracists do not believe Foster committed suicide but was rubbed out, done in, bumped off, sent to his maker at the direction of the Clintons. The man just knew too much.

With that thought in mind, do you think our august senators and congressman might be a little fearful of crossing Hillary and Bill? They know if they do not play ball with the Clintons, there is a good chance they may be “Fostered.”

Of course this is just my own little half-baked theory. But you get the idea: the Clintons play to win. They can be as cunning and Machiavellian as Republicans. Rumor has it the “b” word is sometimes used to describe Hillary. Bernie is just a kind soul.

As great as Bernie’s policies may be (universal healthcare, free college, etc.), does anyone honesty think those initiatives would be given an iota of consideration by congressional Republicans? No, they would treat old Bernie just as they have treated our President – with complete disrespect, and a lack of fear.

That will not be the case with the Clintons back in the White House. No sir, none of those old-time Congressmen will want to risk being “Fostered” with Hillary at the helm.

Photo | pjmedia.com

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Marco Rubio Bids “Adios, Amigos”

March 17, 2016 By John DeProspo 3 Comments

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The man Time Magazine named “The Republican Savior” in a front cover spread just a few years ago has quit the Republican presidential race. The candidate embraced by the Republican establishment as their new white knight after Jeb Bush’s disastrous campaign, has gone the way of the other thirteen Republican presidential candidates before him … home.

After suffering a humiliating blowout primary loss yesterday in his home state of Florida, Marco Rubio’s career as a politician appears done for. To quote a favorite expression of Richard Nixon, his political career seems “deader than Kelsey’s nuts.”

Rubio’s days as a Florida senator are numbered… literally. His senate career will come to an end at the end of the year, having promised not to seek reelection. At a press conference in West Palm Beach, Rubio told CNN, “January of next year, I will either be president of the United States or I will be a private citizen. If I never hold elected office again, I’m comfortable with that.”

We’ve all heard the expression, “What a difference a day makes,” right? In Rubio’s case, it was more like, “What a difference a debate makes.”

After Rubio’s unexpected strong third place finish in the Iowa caucus, which he and the media hailed as a resounding victory, things were looking up for Marco. It appeared the Republican elites had found their man. He would be the one to go toe- to-toe with the two hated frontrunners, Trump and Cruz.

But then we know what happened next… the New Hampshire Republican debate.

Held just days before the New Hampshire primary, Rubio laid about as big an egg as a candidate could on a debate stage. For some inexplicable reason, he kept repeating the same talking point about President Obama, over and over. An aggressive Chris Christie relentlessly mocked him on what appeared to many to be a computer glitch in Rubio’s brain. A few days later, all the Rubio momentum was gone. He finished a distant fifth in the all-important primary.

Many political analysts are wondering if Rubio has hurt his brand so badly that a 2018 run for the Florida governorship is now out of the question.

At the age of 44, Marco Rubio was the youngest remaining Republican candidate to compete for his party’s nomination. In view of his age, many pundits believe his political career, and fortunes, can be resurrected.

While Barrack Obama was about the same age, and had the same skimpy political resume, as Rubio, the Florida senator proved he did not have the same intelligence, charisma, wit and political skills as the President.

In the words of the late Lloyd Benson who famously said to a youngish Dan Quayle during the 1988 vice presidential debate, “I served with Jack Kennedy. I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy.”

Marco, you are no Barack Obama.

Photo |triton.gfd.si

 

 

Filed Under: politics

For Bernie Supporters, Reality Setting In

March 16, 2016 By John DeProspo 4 Comments

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After last night’s disappointing primary losses in the all-important states of Florida and Ohio, reality is starting to set in for Bernie Sanders supporters. Many had hoped last week’s massive upset victory in Michigan would be the springboard for another surprise win in the neighboring rust-belt state of Ohio. Big “Mo” was on Bernie’s side, supporters proclaimed.

But, oh, that political gravity!

Not only did Hillary Clinton prevail in Florida and Ohio, she also racked up victories in Illinois and North Carolina. The fifth state where Clinton and Sanders faced off, Missouri, was too close to call late Tuesday night. Sanders held a narrow lead of 49.9% to 49%.

While Sanders has repeatedly said he will remain in the race up until the nominating convention, the math just doesn’t add up for him. He is trailing badly in the number of pledged delegates and is being swamped in the number of “super delegates,” almost all of whom are committed to Clinton.

Yes, Bernie’s message still resonates with Democratic primary voters and he has a large chunk of money in the bank, but the nomination itself is looking increasingly out of reach. It’s not impossible, just highly improbable.

The blogosphere was abuzz with Progressives consoling one another over the crushing defeats, with many vowing to sit out the general election if Hillary Clinton is the Democratic nominee.

Here are a few actual comments:

Write him in and continue the revolution…We will survive Trump as a nation. We will not survive Hillary in the Democrat Party.

As a Sanders supporter, I don’t think Hillary is an alternative. Won’t show up definitely.

Most people I know will not vote for Hillary. We may be giving the election to the Republicans if that’s the case. We need to do away with Super Delegates

If it does end up being a contest between Clinton and Donald Trump, I am willing to bet that a good many of the “Bernie or Bust” Democrats will get over their bruised egos, think clearly and support the Democratic ticket.

There is no doubt Bernie’s candidacy has stirred up passion in a great many people, especially the young, who demand real change. But as all Progressives should know, and all reform movements have shown, change travels in the slow lane of social justice.

Photo | theguardian.com

 

 

Filed Under: politics

“We The Sheeple” Manifesto

March 14, 2016 By John DeProspo 6 Comments

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A group of loyal Donald Trump supporters, otherwise known as “sheeple*,” recently penned a manifesto outlining why they are supporting the real estate mogul turned reality TV personality turned major political star.

Here is the document:

WE THE PEOPLE of the United States in order to make this country great again hereby pledge our unwavering support for Donald J. Trump for president of the United States. The reasons for our strong support are as follow:

  1. He is not a politician. Because he has not been corrupted by political experience, he is the one who can lead our nation at this difficult time in its history.
  2. He is not beholden to Big Money. Because he has his own money, and is a billionaire, he cannot be bought. He doesn’t need any more money.
  3. He will build a huge wall. Because he is a builder, he will erect the highest wall ever built and make Mexico pay for it.
  4. He will keep Muslims out of the country. Because we do not know who the terrorists and non-terrorists are, he will keep all Muslims out.
  5. He will bring back jobs. Because he is a great businessman and negotiator, he will convince companies that left the United States for foreign countries to come back.
  6. He does not care about political correctness. Because he is not a politician, he will level with the American people by telling it like it is.
  7. He will rebuild the military. Because he is a strong leader, he will strengthen our military and defeat ISIS by taking away its oil fields.
  8. He will get rid of Obamacare. Because he wants all Americans to have healthcare, he will repeal Obamacare and replace it with something which he will tell us about after he is elected.
  9. He will deport all 11.5 million illegal immigrants. Because most illegal immigrants are criminals, he will round them up and send them home. They have no rights because they are illegal.
  10. He is against gun control. Because he is a staunch defender of the second amendment, he will not sign any law that will regulate or limit our Constitutional right. He knows guns are an intrinsic part of the American identiy.

While this article is tongue-in-cheek, every reason listed in this fake manifesto for supporting Trump is real!

Photo | businessinsider.com

*People unable to think for themselves. Followers. Lemmings. Those with no cognitive ablilities of their own.” – urbandictionary.com

 

Filed Under: satire

Trump Hits On Winning Formula … For Losing

March 13, 2016 By John DeProspo 8 Comments

Donald-Trump-Hillary-Clinton-Bill-Clinton

“Bill,” exclaimed an excited Donald Trump in a phone call to his good friend and political advisor, Bill Clinton, “I think I found the answer!” Trump was referring to his last conversation with the former president about how to sabotage his campaign. (Bill Clinton’s 3 AM Phone Call)

“ I just lost Wyoming and Washington D.C., big time.” said Trump referring to his losses in the two latest nominating contests. “The pundits are saying it was all because of the violence at my rallies.”

“Good work,” said Clinton. “I had a feeling all the uproar was going to cost you. But, hey, I thought that whole David Duke, KKK thing would hurt you too.”

“Hurt me?” said Trump. “My numbers went up! My pea-brain followers were loving that I didn’t diss Duke by renouncing his support … well, at least up front.”

“I’m being hit by all sides for not trying to stop the mayhem,” added Trump. “Get this, even Rubio and Kasich now say they may reconsider their support for me as the nominee because of all the chaos!”

“I got to hand it to you, buddy, I thought you telling your numskulls not to worry about attacking protesters because you’d pay their legal bills was genius.”

“Yea, my campaign people are pretty smart,” said Trump. “They also came up with how, in the old days, protesters were taken out on stretchers.”

“Well, we will see if this works for you on Tuesday,” said Clinton.

On March 15, primaries will be held in the big states of Florida and Ohio, along with Illinois. Missouri and North Carolina. Trump victories in all or most of these high stakes winner-take-all contests could make the real estate mogul, turned TV reality star, turned politician essentially unstoppable.

“Don’t get your hopes up too high,” cautioned Clinton. “You just might do very well. With your crazy dimwit followers you never know.”

Proving once again Clinton is a master at understanding the political landscape, there have been reports that many Trump followers believe the violence at Trump rallies is the handiwork of the GOP. Distrust of the Republican establishment is so high that some Trump supporters think the protestors popping up at Trump rallies are Republican plants.

Some supporters are now blaming the recent unrest in Chicago on supporters of Bernie Sanders – “Bernie’s crowd,” as Trump sneered in his speech – and the Black Lives Matter movement, which frequently protests Trump events.

“You’re right, Bill,” said Trump. “As they say, que sera sera. I do keep thinking of that George Carlin line, tough: “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

“Cheer up,” said Clinton, “ You might get schlonged by the two Cubans. Eight a.m. tee time Saturday, right?”

Photo | socialnewswatch.com

Filed Under: satire

GOP In Deep Water

March 11, 2016 By John DeProspo 5 Comments

 

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There is a George W. Bush joke that goes something like this: asked to define “denial,” Dubya answered a river in Egypt.

Unfortunately, today’s GOP is in denial as defined by the actual meaning of the word. It is a party that chooses to keep its head buried in the sand while its world is collapsing all around it.

Republican Party elites still think there is time to stop the Trump runaway train. They are dreaming of a contested convention in July. They are hoping Trump does not enter the assembly hall with a majority of the delegates (1237) needed to win the nomination on the first ballot.

Could another candidate accumulate the needed number of delegates to win the nomination? Mathematically yes, but not likely.

One of two scenarios will be playing out for the Republicans. Either Trump, and only Trump, secures the number of delegates needed to prevail or he comes up just short but still has the most delegates of any candidate.

In the delusional world of the GOP establishment, if scenario #2 plays out, they believe they will be able to deny Trump the nomination by bringing in a reject such as Marco Rubio or a white knight such as Mitt Romney or Paul Ryan.

Talk about denial!

If the nomination is taken away from Trump, and the party leaders try to ram an establishment candidate down the throats of their voters, look for all hell to break loose.

Trump supporters are, if anything, a loyal bunch. Look for mayhem both inside, and outside, the convention hall if party bosses try to pull a fast one. Trump supporters have shown themselves to be the kind of people who would not meekly accept an “un-democratic” outcome.

Even by the Bushian definition of “denial,” one could say Republicans are in deep water with no rescue boat in sight.

The best bet for the GOP would be to accept Trump; try to work with him; and brace for the inevitable defeat such a candidate would bring their party. They could then do another post-mortem like they did after Romney’s loss; regroup for the 2020 election; and try to stop the Democrats’ presidential winning streak at three.

Of course, all this assumes the survival of the GOP as we know it.

Image courtesy of fantasista at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

 

Filed Under: politics

For Republicans, It’s The “Twin Terrors”

March 10, 2016 By John DeProspo 3 Comments

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As much as he is hated by the GOP establishment – and its mega-donors – Rafael Edward Cruz is starting to get some serious consideration and support from his former foes. Even Sen. Lindsey Graham, a longtime critic of Cruz who famously compared the choice between Trump and Cruz “like being shot or poisoned,” has come around to his fellow senator.

“At the end of the day, I know what I’m getting with Ted Cruz,” Graham said, noting that he would still personally prefer Rubio. “If Ted is the alternative to Trump, at least he’s a conservative Republican.”

To the GOP establishment’s dismay, Marco Rubio is going nowhere fast. Some of his own advisors are counseling him to bow out of the race now before an embarrassing lose in his home state of Florida next week.

Carly Fiorina, another former rival, has also warmed to Cruz, claiming he is the only candidate who can beat Trump.

Calling Cruz a “real constitutional conservative,” Fiorina said, “he is a fearless fighter and reformer, and he didn’t care much whether he got invited to the cocktail parties in Washington, D.C.”

Billionaire GOP mega-donor Stan Hubbard, a Minnesota media mogul who has donated $10,000 to an anti-Trump super PAC, has said “He wasn’t my favorite guy, but I’ll say one thing about Cruz. I don’t think he tells lies. I don’t like liars.”

Hubbard confessed that Trump’s surprising dominance is forcing donors to consider backing candidates they might have otherwise shunned. “Yes, that’s right,” he said. “Well, that’s life.”

Yes, that’s life for today’s GOP … the unenviable choice between the “twin terrors,” Trump or Cruz. Pick your poison, or firing squad.

Unfortunately for the GOP, Graham had it right. No matter which candidate the party goes with, it is marching to its own death.

The only chance the Republican Party has of denying Trump the nomination is if he comes up short in accumulating a majority of the Republican delegates and there is a contested convention.

If that were to happen, and the guy with the most delegates (Trump) does not get the nod, watch for all hell to break loose.

Photo | wbdaily.com

 

 

Filed Under: politics

Bernie Sanders, “Reports Of My Death Are Greatly Exaggerated”

March 9, 2016 By John DeProspo 3 Comments

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Hold the presses! That Bernie Sanders obituary needs to be saved for another day.

Going into yesterday’s Michigan Democratic primary, polls showed Hillary Clinton with a commanding lead of about 20%. A Clinton win would deal the Sanders camp a devastating defeat and amplify the conventional wisdom that her candidacy for president was inevitable.

But the polls got it wrong. Way wrong. Bernie Sanders pulled off an upset victory in a state most pundits had labeled “Clinton country.” After all, Clinton won Michigan in 2008.

Said pollster Steve Mitchell, of Mitchell Research and Communications, “No one predicted this. And only did we not get it right, no one was less than double digits for Hillary Clinton.”

“I think this changes it dramatically,” continued Mitchell. “This is coming into a major industrial state where Hillary Clinton had a strong network in place, where there is a quarter of the voters that are African American that should’ve been much more strongly in support of Hillary; they weren’t. She only won that vote by a 2:1 margin, according to exit polls. I think this changes it dramatically.”

While the media loves to talk about polls, Sanders’ win in Michigan shows us once again that polling is not voting.

“Polling drives momentum; it drives how people think. We wouldn’t be having this same conversation if we just were looking at the vote yesterday, but it’s such a dramatic thing because all these polls were showing her 25, 27 points up, which, quite frankly, I never believed,” said Michigan Congresswoman Debbie Dingell.

Clinton did have a blowout win in yesterday’s Mississippi Democratic primary, carrying the state 83-17 percent over Sanders. And, at the end of the day, she did secure more delegates than Sanders, adding 84, compared with a net gain of 67 for Sanders. But that is not the big news. The takeaway from yesterday’s stunning Michigan victory is that the Sanders momentum cannot be blunted by the continued talk in the media of Sanders’ demise.

As George W. Bush once said, “You can’t listen to the polls. What do the Polish people know about American democracy anyway?”

Next up on March 15th, the big primary contests in Florida, Ohio, Illinois, Missouri and North Carolina.

Let the pollsters poll. Let the voters vote. And never the Twain shall meet.

Photo | cnbc.com

 

Filed Under: politics

Soup Nazi Endorses Trump

March 8, 2016 By John DeProspo 6 Comments

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On the heels of the controversial approval received from David Duke, the former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard, Donald Trump has just secured the endorsement of Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi.

“I like Trump,” said Soup Nazi. “He is a man who is not afraid to tell people where to go, especially when they get out of line.”

The decision to back Trump was an easy one for Soup Nazi.

“Like me, Trump is a perfectionist,” said the man whose passion for quality soups is unparalleled. “He shows class in everything he does, from the skyscrapers he builds to the women he marries. Have you seen anyone with a more perfect body than Melania?”

To show how much of a supporter he is, Soup Nazi has created a new soup in honor of Trump.

“I thought very hard about what kind of soup to make,” said Soup Nazi. “I decided to go with a variation of Chinese bird’s nest soup. You know, to honor what’s on his head. I will call it ‘Trump nest soup.”

Asked to comment on his latest endorsement, Trump said he was not familiar with Soup Nazi or his award-winning soups.

“Frankly, I’m not much of a soup guy,” said Trump.

When questioned whether it is wise to accept the endorsement of someone who goes by the offensive name of Soup Nazi, especially in light of the uproar created when he did not immediately reject the support of the white supremacist, David Duke, Trump replied, “ Sure, why wouldn’t I? Some of my best friends are great chefs.”

Not missing a beat, Trump’s main opponent in the race, Ted Cruz, has already prepared a misleading ad that will run in the upcoming primary states. The commercial boldly proclaims, “Trump endorsed by Nazi!” The Cruz camp believes the ad will be particularly effective in Florida, which holds its primary March 15th.

Informed of the false negative ad about to be unleashed against Trump, Soup Nazi became enraged.

Said Soup Nazi, “You can tell that lying, Cuban-Canadian Senor Cruz, no soup for you!’

Photo | seinfeld.wikia.com

Filed Under: satire

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