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Archives for April 2016

Indiana Legislature Set To Ban Masturbation

April 10, 2016 By John DeProspo 18 Comments

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence delivers his State of the State address to a joint session of the Legislature at the Statehouse Tuesday, Jan. 14, 2014, in Indianapolis. (AP Photo/Darron Cummings)

On the heals of a new bill signed into law by Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, which bans abortions sought because of fetal genetic abnormalities, the state’s Republican-controlled legislature is poised to outlaw masturbation; male masturbation, to be exact.

The new anti-masturbation bill, which Gov. Pence has promised to sign once it reaches his desk, makes it a crime for a man to sow his seed without regard to procreation.

“Masturbation is murder,” said Indiana legislative leader, Harold Handler.

“It is not just murder of the sperm but also of the spirit. Masturbation is a sin,” claimed Handler. “Sin marks the demise of the soul unless you are saved by Jesus.”

When confronted with the biological fact that masturbation is not conception but just the releasing of cells from your body and that only when a sperm is united with a woman’s egg does a new life begin, Handler replied, “The Bible says that it is better for your seed to fall in the belly of a whore than on the ground. This shows that, according to God, the act of masturbation is more sinful than the act of prostitution or adultery.”

“But if you’re talking about murdering the sperm, “I asked, “You might as well say that a woman having her period is murder because her body gets rid of the egg?”

Handler replied that there currently is a bill in subcommittee tackling that very issue.

When asked why he would sign such an unenforceable and clearly unconstitutional bill, Gov. Pence replied, “It is our job as elected officials to protect the sanctity of life… all life. And that is exactly what this bill does.”

“Why has American influence been on a downward spiral over the last few decades?” asked Gov. Pence. “Because of the increase in pornography, masturbation, and the proliferation of perverts in our nation. America has lost its moral compass. It is losing its masculine Christian essence because our youth are being allowed to spill their seed wherever they desire. We must stop it.”

When questioned how such a law could possibly be enforced, the governor replied, ”We know it will be difficult, especially in the privacy of one’s home. But any public masturbation will be met with a stiff fine, and in rare cases, jail time. Do you have any idea how many men masturbate in theaters?”

The new anti-abortion law has stirred-up a hornet’s nest. If this new anti-masturbation law goes into effect, you can be sure men will not just sit on there hands.

(AP Photo/Darron Cummings)

Filed Under: satire

Transcript – Bernie’s Meeting With Pope

April 9, 2016 By John DeProspo 4 Comments

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Rome, April 15, 2016 – After today’s inspiring speech at a Vatican conference hosted by the Pontifical Academy of Social Sciences, a scholarly association in Vatican City, Bernie Sanders had a private audience with the Holy Father, Pope Francis.

Below is a transcript of the meeting:

Sanders – “It is such a pleasure and honor to meet you, your Holiness.”

Pope – “You can just call me Fran, OK?”

Sanders – “Sure Holy Father… I mean Fran. It’s just that I’m a little nervous meeting with one of my heroes.”

Pope – “You are too kind, Signore Sanders.”

Sanders – “You can just call me Bernie, Sir … I mean Fran.”

Pope – “I like very much how you talk about income inequality in your country. The billionaires just care for themselves. Always want more, more, more.”

Sanders – “Yes, we have a serious wealth gap in the United States. The top 1/10th of 1 percent — not 1 percent — the top 1/10th of 1 percent today in America owns almost as much wealth as the bottom 90 percent.”

Pope – “I know. I listen to your speeches. Here we have cable. I get CNN.”

Sanders – “And I hear your speeches about our corrupt political-economic system. I really like it when you take on “trickle-down” economics… I think you called it a crock or something?”

Pope – “I called it the dung of the Devil. Now, Signore Sanders … I mean, Bernie, I hear you are a Jew but not a practicing Jew?”

Sanders – “That is correct. I believe that there is a connection between all living things, and that my belief in God requires me to do all that I can to follow the ‘Golden Rule,’ to do unto others and as I would have them do unto me.”

Pope – “Brava, Brava! You hit the nail, as they say, on top of the head!”

Sanders – “ Thank you Fran. People say my chances of becoming the next president, well, they say I don’t have a prayer.”

Pope – “I pray for you, Bernie. Let’s keep in touch. Here is my private email address, on my private server.”

Photo | dailynewsbin.com

 

 

 

Filed Under: satire

The Holy Father Is “Feeling The Bern”

April 8, 2016 By John DeProspo 5 Comments

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Bernie Sanders has accepted an invitation from Pope Francis to visit the Vatican next week. The Vermont senator will participate in an April 15 conference on social, economic and environmental issues. It is not yet certain whether the two will meet in private but if they do, the two socialists will surely have much to talk about.

Pope Francis is not your typical Bishop of Rome. The 79-year-old Jesuit has been outspoken about helping the poor and has been praised for criticizing the “worship of money.”

Bernie Sanders is not your everyday Democratic presidential candidate. The 74-year-old Brooklyn-born son of Polish-Jewish immigrants has made tackling income inequality a central issue of his campaign. Sanders has railed against the greed of the billionaire class and the recklessness of Wall Street.

Forgetting religious labels for a moment, the two septuagenarians are kindred spirits. The Pontiff’s message about the moral imperative for economic equality has struck a chord among Catholics hungry for a spiritual leader who actually preaches the gospel of Christ. Francis is a true progressive trying to take a 2000-year-old institution into the 21st century.

Sanders, a self-described democratic socialist, has struck a nerve among progressive Democrats with his message of a rigged economic and political system. He has amassed a large following, particularly among young people, in his long-shot bid against front-runner rival, Hillary Clinton.

“I am a big, big fan of the Pope,” said Sanders in an interview on MSNBC. “He’s trying to inject this sense of morality into how we do economics … and we need that absolutely desperately.” If elected, Sanders would be the first Jewish U.S. president.

The Pope’s invitation comes at a critical time for Sanders. The New York and Pennsylvania primaries will be held only a few days after Sanders’ visit with the Pope. Francis’ popularity among Catholics and non-Catholics alike should help Sanders and keep the Bernie momentum going now that the primary season heads into the home stretch.

“I am really excited about meeting with the Holy Father,” said Sanders. “I just hope he doesn’t try to convert me!”

OK. I made up that last quote!

But these two wise, grandfatherly men, who speak of social and economic justice, are what this world greatly needs more of.

Photos |usatoday.com/huffingtonpost.com

 

 

 

Filed Under: politics

It Was Inevitable … Democratic Race Turns Nasty

April 7, 2016 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

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The political narrative this election season has focused on the stark differences between Democrats and Republicans. While GOP presidential candidates slung mud at one another at their debates, the Democrats remained civil and kept their debates issue-oriented.

Not any more.

At a campaign rally yesterday in Pennsylvania, Bernie Sanders suggested Hillary Clinton is not “qualified” to be president. But he didn’t just leave it at that. He went on to say:

“Let me just say in response to Secretary Clinton, I don’t believe  that she is qualified if she is, through her Super PAC, taking tens of  millions of dollars in special-interest money. I don’t think  that you are qualified if you get $15 million from Wall Street through your super PAC.”

“I don’t think you are qualified if you have voted for the disastrous war in Iraq. I don’t think you are qualified if you’ve supported virtually every disastrous trade agreement which has cost us millions of decent paying jobs.”

Bernie’s outburst came after Clinton questioned Sanders’ recent comments about banking reform, suggesting he didn’t know what he was talking about and needed to do his “homework.” A Washington Post article about Hillary’s comments (circulated by the Sanders camp) misleadingly said: “Clinton questions whether Sanders is qualified to be president.” In fairness to Clinton, she did not actually say Sanders is unqualified, though that was the gist of her criticism.

Yes, the Democratic presidential race has veered into new territory. But this was to be expected. The contest is headed into the fourth quarter and the Sanders camp can do the math. Clinton has a commanding lead in the delegate count, and with the all-important New York primary looming on the horizon, Bernie needs a game changer.

For Clinton, she is no doubt stung by Sanders’ recent string of primary wins, including his most recent comeback victory in Wisconsin. The Bernie momentum needs to be stopped.

Will this new nastiness hurt the eventual Democratic nominee in unifying the party? Probably not. There is just too much at stake to hold grudges. The possibility of a Republican back into the White House will surely motivate Dems to rally behind their nominee.

Photo | nationalrighttolifenews.org

 

Filed Under: politics

New GOP Game … “Which State Can Be The Most Bigoted”

April 5, 2016 By John DeProspo 12 Comments

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On the heels of North Carolina’s recent new law sanctioning discrimination, the state of Mississippi has just raised the stakes by enacting a more restrictive anti-LGBT law of its own.

While it is hard to imagine a law that could out-bigot North Carolina’s, Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant today put his signature on a bill that does just that. The new law would “allow the denial of services, goods, wedding products, medical treatment, housing, and employment to LGBT people.”

The law, with the Orwellian name “Protecting Freedom of Conscience from Government Discrimination Act,” has met with sustained opposition from LGBT groups, businesses and the Mississippi Economic Council. They say the law sanctions discrimination against lesbians and gays.

It is only a matter of time before the backlash to this unconstitutional law begins. Just as was the case in North Carolina. Just as was the case in Indiana. But while the Indiana legislature had the good sense to “water-down” its so-called “religious freedom” bill, North Carolina has not yet felt the full economic pain to take remedial action. But they will, just as Mississippi will.

What is it about these Republican-controlled states?

For years, many Republican voters have been voting against their own economic interests. They vote for the party that favors tax cuts for the rich; eliminating social programs they rely on; and slashing funds for public education.

Now Republican-controlled statehouses are passing bills that will clearly hurt business within those states. As with blue-collar and low-income Republican voters, hot-button social issues are motivating the legislatures in these mostly southern states. In the case of these so-called “religious liberty” laws, it is opposition to newly acquired rights by gays, thanks to the Supreme Court, that is providing the impetus for these laws.

One gay rights advocacy group, Freedom for All Americans, dubbed the new Mississippi law “the nation’s worst piece of anti-LGBT legislation.” While that may be the case, for now, don’t bet against another Republican-controlled state upping the ante.

“This is a sad day for the state of Mississippi and for the thousands of Mississippians who can now be turned away from businesses, refused marriage licenses, or denied housing, essential services and needed care based on who they are,” said Jennifer Riley-Collins, executive director of the ACLU of Mississippi.

It was Bobby Jindal who coined the phrase “stupid party” to describe today’s GOP.

It appears the party of stupid just can’t help itself.

Photo | bbc.com

Filed Under: politics

Trump’s List Of Top 10 VP Picks

April 4, 2016 By John DeProspo 10 Comments

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Now that Trump’s steam locomotive has hit a rough patch of track, he has revealed his list of top ten vice presidential picks in order to create some much needed media buzz.

While the Trump campaign has said the names are not listed in any order of preference, no one is surprised by the name at the top of the list … Sarah Palin. Trump has stated he wants a running mate who would compliment him. No one has done that more than Sarah Palin.

Here is Trump’s list of VP possibilities:

  1. Sarah Palin
  2. Joe Pesci
  3. Jesse Ventura
  4. Charlie Sheen
  5. Howard Stern
  6. Hulk Hogan
  7. Sylvester Stallone
  8. Amy Schumer
  9. Ted Nugent
  10. Ivanka Trump

Yes, Ivanka Trump! When asked about the obvious nepotism, Trump insisted, “No, my daughter just has one incredible brain, and she’s not bad to look at either. She’s been a big supporter, and advisor, of my campaign. Would love to have her backing me up.”

Trump was asked about Joe Pesci being number two on his list.

“As my campaign manager told you,” Trump snapped, “the names are in no particular order. But I like Joe a lot. Did you see him in Goodfellas or My Cousin Vinny? The man is pint size but tough. Won’t take any crap, like me.”

When confronted with the fact that those were just roles Pesci played, Trump replied, “I know Joe. He doesn’t act, he is just being himself. Remember that scene in Goodfellas where Joe shoots the kid who forget to get him a drink at the poker game? DeNiro says you are going to dig the grave. And Joe says, no sweat, it’s not the first hole I dug! Love his moxie.”

When questioned about Amy Schumer, Trump said “I know she’s probably a Democrat and Chuck’s a relative of hers. But the Jewish vote is very important to me, especially in New York.”

Whether or not releasing his VP list will help Trump remains to be seen. But it’s always a good bet to have an American hero like Rocky on your short list.

By the way, do you see something else Pesci and Trump have in common?

Photos | mic.com – mp3onlinehits.top

 

 

Filed Under: satire

Trump’s Presidential Dreamin’ Goes Back Decades

April 2, 2016 By John DeProspo 10 Comments

donald-trump-make-america-great

Donald Trump first threatened to run for president of the United States in 1988.

Of course, he didn’t run that year. In 2000, Trump did enter the presidential race, but as a candidate for the Reform Party, at the urging of his friend Jesse Ventura. He eventually withdrew from the Reform Party’s primary contest.

In 2004, Trump considered challenging George W. Bush in the Republican primaries but decided against it. In 2012, the presidential bug hit Trump once again. Speaking of his chances of winning, Trump proclaimed “I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and, ultimately, the general election.” Trump decided against a 2012 run.

When Trump, in March 2015, decided not to renew his contract with NBC for his hit reality show, The Apprentice, speculation grew that Trump would once again give the presidency a try. But, of course, everyone had seen this act before. Few believed Trump would actually enter the 2016 race.

Can you fault Jon Stewart for being one of those non-believers? Stewart announced his retirement from the highly popular Daily Show on February 10, 2015. He stated he would leave the show on August 6, 2015.

Donald Trump officially declared he would seek the Republican presidential nomination on June 16, 2015.

I have a very strong suspicion if Stewart had just waited a few months before making his announcement, he would have stayed on to mine all that comedy gold a Trump candidacy would provide. But Stewart was like all the other political observers who believed Trump’s flirtation with another presidential run was just that … a trick, a ruse to generate some buzz for the king of self-promotion.

Boy, could the country have used Jon Stewart’s comedic wit this crazy presidential cycle! This is not meant to take anything away from Trevor Noah, Stewart’s replacement. Current Daily Show viewers know that Noah has done an excellent job filling some mighty big shoes.

So here we are in 2016. Donald Trump is the Republican favorite to win his party’s nomination. Who knows, maybe Trump can back up his boast of 2012 when he said he could win the Republican primary and the general election?

My take is that of all the people who can’t believe Trump is where he is in this year’s presidential race , Trump is the most shocked of all.

Photo | vdare.com

Filed Under: politics

Top Ten Reasons Why Trump Is The Perfect GOP Nominee

April 2, 2016 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

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The Republican establishment does not think highly of Donald Trump or his rabid followers.

But say what you will about Trump supporters: they’re dumb, uninformed and misguided. I tend to think they are the opposite: smart, knowledgeable and clear-minded.

Here is a top ten list of what Donald Trump has promised (in his own words) or would bring to the table, if he were to become president of the United States:

  1. “I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created.”
  2. “I’m the most militaristic person ever.”
  3. “I will build a great wall . . . and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me.”
  4. “I would use the greatest minds. I know the best negotiators.”
  5. “I would hit [ISIS] so hard your head would spin.”
  6. “I’m rich, really really rich.”
  7. “My doctor has said, ‘If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.’
  8. “I have great feelings of compassion and helping people.”
  9. “I’m smart, very smart.”
  10. “We will have so much winning if I get elected that you may get bored with the winning.”

Who wouldn’t want a man like this for president? Sounds like a godsend, for chrissake!

Of course, all those wonderful things about Donald Trump were said by, well, Donald Trump.

But as Trump supporters know, their man means what he says and says what he means. Billionaires don’t need to lie.

Why can’t Republican elites accept Trump and rally behind him? Why can’t they trust the good judgment of their voters?

Oh, and Donald Trump is a winner. He said so.

Photo | slate.com

 

Filed Under: satire

Trump’s Run For Presidency Foretold In Movie Classic, “Stagecoach”

April 1, 2016 By John DeProspo 4 Comments

Ready to be wowed? Donald Trump’s run for the presidency was foretold over 75 years ago!

I was flipping through channels recently and ended up at TCM (Turner Classic Movies). The 1939 John Ford classic, “Stagecoach,” had just started. I had seen the movie once or twice before but I completely forgot about a certain scene that, I must admit, just floored me.

It’s the scene where a corrupt banker, fleeing town after embezzling the bank’s money, declares a set of conservative economic principles that could just as easily have come out of Ted Cruz’s mouth (or any other right-wing conservative for that matter). He laments that America should be for Americans; that taxes are too high; that the national debt is out of control; and that the hated government needs to keep its nose out of business.

Click the image below to be amazed.

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For those who have watched this classic western, you know that the corrupt banker, unlike our present-day thieves, gets arrested at the end of the movie. It is heartwarming to see justice prevail, even if only in an old movie like “Stagecoach.” As Archie Bunker liked to say, “Those were the days!”

 

Filed Under: politics

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