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Jeb Will Attend Republican Convention After All

April 20, 2016 By John DeProspo 4 Comments

Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush reacts to a question at the Mountain Shadows Community Center in Las Vegas Monday, March 2, 2015. Bush distanced himself from his family on Monday as he courted senior citizens in Nevada, the first stop in a national tour aimed at key states on the presidential primary calendar. (AP Photo/Las Vegas Sun, Steve Marcus)

After announcing he would skip his party’s nominating convention this summer, Jeb Bush has had a change of heart.

Even with Trump’s blowout win in New York, Jeb is now convinced the TV celebrity and real estate mogul will not have enough delegates to win on a first ballot. Most pundits are saying that is the only way Trump could secure the Republican presidential nomination.

“After some soul searching, and doing some math, I realize my party needs for me to be there. It looks like we will go through a long hard fight to pick our party’s nominee. I want to help in any way I can.”

When asked if that meant making himself available as a possible presidential choice, Jeb would only give a vague answer. “I will do whatever may party asks me to do.”

How ironic if the party’s favorite at the start of the nominating process goes on to secure the nomination!

“I think Hillary Clinton is beatable, very beatable. Her negatives are through the roof. If elected, she would have the highest negative rating of any president, in either party, in history.”

It is rumored that Jeb was persuaded to attend his party’s convention by none other than his big brother, George W. If through some miracle Jeb does become his party’s nominee, the word is out that the former president reminded Jeb no Bush has ever lost an election for president. Well, except Papa Bush losing in 1992 to Bill Clinton. Dubya was never a stickler for detail.

When asked in a different way if he might be his party’s white Knight come to save his party from what appears to be a looming food fight, Bush was a little more direct.

“Look, if the convention is going to result in mayhem and we are on our 32nd ballot, I would seriously think of accepting the nomination if it were offered to me.”

The way this election year is shaping up for the GOP, a 32nd ballot may not be out of the question … and the much dreaded Clinton v. Bush contest might become a reality.

(AP Photo/Las Vegas Sun, Steve Marcus)

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Filed Under: satire

The Clear Case For Kasich

April 18, 2016 By John DeProspo 9 Comments

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With crafty Ted Cruz racking up more delegates by the day, it is very unlikely Donald Trump will reach the required delegate total of 1237 to win the Republican nomination on a first ballot vote. It looks more and more like an open convention.

Enter Paul Ryan. Surely he will ride into the convention as the GOP establishment’s white knight come to save the party … again?

Paul Ryan won’t be doing anything of the kind. In about as clear as statement as he could make, Ryan reiterated he would not make himself available in any multiballot convention.

“Let me be clear,” said Ryan, “I do not want, nor will I accept the Republican nomination. So let me speak directly to the delegates on this: If no candidate has a majority on the first ballot, I believe you should only choose a person who actually participated in the primary. Count me out.”

So Ryan believes the nomination should go to a person “who actually participated in the primary?” If you’ve forgotten, that individual would be one of the following:

Ben Carson                             Marco Rubio                      Chris Christy

George Pataki                         Mike Huckabee                 Carly Fiorina

Jeb Bush                                  Jim Gilmore                       Rand Paul

Rick Perry                               Scott Walker                       Lindsey Graham

Bobby Jindal                          Rick Santorum

Ryan used the term “participated” because he, like the rest of the Republican elites, do not want Donald Trump or Ted Cruz coming anywhere near the Republican nomination.

But what about John Kasich? Here is a candidate who not only participated but is still participating!

If there is no winner on a first ballot convention vote, Kasich should be the Republican nominee. He would give the GOP its best shot at winning the presidency or, at least, not losing it by a landslide.

Kasich appeals to the Republican establishment … and even to some Democrats. Polls have consistently shown him to be the only Republican candidate to beat Hillary Clinton in a head-to-head matchup.

A recent Pew survey suggested Kasich is the most agreeable candidate — from either party — among a broader universe of registered voters. Only 20 percent of those voters said Kasich would make a “poor” or “terrible” president. The next-lowest total was Bernie Sanders, at 36 percent.

Another Bloomberg poll found that U.S. adults view Kasich more favorably than they view Cruz or Trump (or Sanders or Hillary Clinton, for that matter). Kasich’s net favorability (that is, favorability minus unfavorability) was plus 14, compared with Cruz’s negative 23 and Trump’s negative 39.

Kasich is the conservative candidate the party has always wanted. They tired backing Jeb and Marco to no avail.

Did I mention that polls show John Kasich as the only Republican to beat Hillary in a general election matchup?

According to a recently released Monmouth University survey, when Kasich is matched up against Clinton, 45 percent of registered voters nationwide said they would vote for the Ohio governor, compared to 39 percent for the former secretary of state. Against Clinton, Kasich leads with men, voters between the ages of 18 and 54 and white non-Hispanics, while Clinton holds a narrower advantage among women and a wider lead among those who are not white.

The $64,000 question is why hasn’t the Republican establishment gotten behind their best candidate to take on Hillary … or Bernie? Is there some dark secret lurking in Kasich’s past? Is he just not conservative enough? Or could it be that, as Bobby Jindal called it, the GOP is truly the “stupid party?” For Democrats, let’s hope.

Photo | theslot.jezebel.com

Filed Under: politics

Obama Announces Bid For Third Term

April 16, 2016 By John DeProspo 7 Comments

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The 2016 presidential race has just been thrown into complete chaos now that President Barack Obama has announced his run for a third term. The shocking news is being denounced by Republicans as just another unconstitutional Obama power grab.

“Obama likes to pass himself off as a constitutional scholar but he must not have heard of the 22nd Amendment,“ said Republican presidential candidate, Ted Cruz. “The 22nd Amendment states, in short, ‘No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice.”

Republican frontrunner, Donald Trump, has threatened to sue Obama over his announced candidacy. “I will take this case all the way to the Supreme Court, if I have to,” warned Trump. “The man is out of control. He must be stopped!”

When asked under what authority he is seeking a third term, President Obama answered, “As Commander in Chief, I have extraordinary emergency powers. As a country, we are currently at war … with ourselves. In is my job to do everything within my power to restore order. A third term would do just that.”

“Did you know that there is legal precedent for my action?” asked Obama. “President Franklin Delano Roosevelt invoked emergency powers when he issued an order directing that all Japanese Americans residing on the West Coast be placed into internment camps during World War II. The U.S. Supreme Court upheld that order in Korematsu v. United States.”

There is no doubt the Supreme Court will be asked to weigh in on the President’s bold move. But with the current make up of the Supreme Court now stuck at eight, a 4-4 decision is not out of the question. Such a deadlock would allow the President to go forward with his candidacy.

Democrats cannot contain their joy over a possible Obama third term.

“President Obama will win in the biggest landslide in presidential politics no matter who the Republicans decide to run against him,” said an excited Obama supporter. “Trump, Cruz, Romney, Ryan, The Tooth Fairy, it won’t make a difference.”

Hillary Clinton is not taking the news well. In fact, she is beside herself with anger.

“I’ve been betrayed!” Clinton bellowed. “We had a deal. The nomination was mine in 2016. Alright, my negatives are high, but I know I can win this for the Democrats.”

Bernie Sanders heard the distressing news while still in Rome. The Vermont senator took a more measured stance.

“It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world,” said Sanders. “In spite of what Hillary and everyone else thinks, I have great respect for our President. But you know what, at the end of the day, I still think I can win this thing!”

Photo | cnn.com

 

 

Filed Under: satire

Tennessee Governor Rejects Bible

April 15, 2016 By John DeProspo 8 Comments

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In a move that could cause damage to his political career in the deep red state of Tennessee, Gov. Bill Haslam has vetoed a bill that would have made the Bible the official  book of the Volunteer State.

But the governor’s action did not rely so much on the obvious constitutional argument as much as on the very sanctity of the Holy Book itself. Gov. Haslam felt that designating the Bible the state book would trivialize the great tome. He even cited the founding fathers in his argument. In a letter to Beth Harwell, the Tennessee Speaker of the House, he said:

Our founders recognized that when the church and state were combined, it was the church that suffered in the long run.

If Haslam had signed the bill, Tennessee would have been the first state to name the Bible as its official state book.

Many political observers are praising the governor for rejecting the controversial bill. They point out how hard it is for any Deep South politician to vote against the Bible. But all is not lost for the state as its legislators are hell-bent on passing the measure.

Sen. Steve Souterland, sponsor of the bill, said he plans to push for a veto override. House sponsor Rep. Jerry Sexton said the same and added that polls show the citizen of Tennessee support the legislation.

Supporters of the bill plan to override the veto as early as next week. All that is required is a simple majority in both chambers.

Considering the bill passed in the state house by a vote of 55-38 and in the senate by a vote of 19-8, an override seems a mere formability.

Tennessee may yet have that much-coveted distinction of being the first state in the union to make the Bible its official state book … whatever that means.

The Constitution? Separation of church and state? Just more easy work for our federal court system.

Photo | downtrend.com

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: politics

Top Ten Donald Trump Jokes

April 13, 2016 By John DeProspo 6 Comments

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Think what you will about Donald Trump, the man has brought levity to an area usually bereft of laughter… presidential politics.

Below is a list of the top ten Donald Trump jokes:

Q: If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives?

A: America

Q: How’s Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans?

A: Juan by Juan

Q: Is Donald Trump as intelligent as he claims?

A: Yes. He’s a smart man with a deep understanding of what stupid people want.

Q: What happens when Donald Trump takes Viagra?

A: He grows taller.

Q: Why does Trump want to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese?

A: He wants to make America grate again.

Q: Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?

A: Because if he wins, he’ll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

Q: Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

A: Because E.T. eventually went home.

Q: What’s the difference between God and Donald Trump?

A: God doesn’t think he’s Donald Trump.

Q: Is America going to suffer if Donald Trump becomes president?

A: Yes. You could say we’re going toupée for it.

Q: What’s is Trump’s biggest fear?

A: A strike at the orange spray can factory.

If you know a Trump joke you’d like to share, you can do so in the “comments” section.

Photo | politicalhumor.about.com

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Indiana Legislature Set To Ban Masturbation

April 10, 2016 By John DeProspo 18 Comments

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence delivers his State of the State address to a joint session of the Legislature at the Statehouse Tuesday, Jan. 14, 2014, in Indianapolis. (AP Photo/Darron Cummings)

On the heals of a new bill signed into law by Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, which bans abortions sought because of fetal genetic abnormalities, the state’s Republican-controlled legislature is poised to outlaw masturbation; male masturbation, to be exact.

The new anti-masturbation bill, which Gov. Pence has promised to sign once it reaches his desk, makes it a crime for a man to sow his seed without regard to procreation.

“Masturbation is murder,” said Indiana legislative leader, Harold Handler.

“It is not just murder of the sperm but also of the spirit. Masturbation is a sin,” claimed Handler. “Sin marks the demise of the soul unless you are saved by Jesus.”

When confronted with the biological fact that masturbation is not conception but just the releasing of cells from your body and that only when a sperm is united with a woman’s egg does a new life begin, Handler replied, “The Bible says that it is better for your seed to fall in the belly of a whore than on the ground. This shows that, according to God, the act of masturbation is more sinful than the act of prostitution or adultery.”

“But if you’re talking about murdering the sperm, “I asked, “You might as well say that a woman having her period is murder because her body gets rid of the egg?”

Handler replied that there currently is a bill in subcommittee tackling that very issue.

When asked why he would sign such an unenforceable and clearly unconstitutional bill, Gov. Pence replied, “It is our job as elected officials to protect the sanctity of life… all life. And that is exactly what this bill does.”

“Why has American influence been on a downward spiral over the last few decades?” asked Gov. Pence. “Because of the increase in pornography, masturbation, and the proliferation of perverts in our nation. America has lost its moral compass. It is losing its masculine Christian essence because our youth are being allowed to spill their seed wherever they desire. We must stop it.”

When questioned how such a law could possibly be enforced, the governor replied, ”We know it will be difficult, especially in the privacy of one’s home. But any public masturbation will be met with a stiff fine, and in rare cases, jail time. Do you have any idea how many men masturbate in theaters?”

The new anti-abortion law has stirred-up a hornet’s nest. If this new anti-masturbation law goes into effect, you can be sure men will not just sit on there hands.

(AP Photo/Darron Cummings)

Filed Under: satire

Transcript – Bernie’s Meeting With Pope

April 9, 2016 By John DeProspo 4 Comments

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Rome, April 15, 2016 – After today’s inspiring speech at a Vatican conference hosted by the Pontifical Academy of Social Sciences, a scholarly association in Vatican City, Bernie Sanders had a private audience with the Holy Father, Pope Francis.

Below is a transcript of the meeting:

Sanders – “It is such a pleasure and honor to meet you, your Holiness.”

Pope – “You can just call me Fran, OK?”

Sanders – “Sure Holy Father… I mean Fran. It’s just that I’m a little nervous meeting with one of my heroes.”

Pope – “You are too kind, Signore Sanders.”

Sanders – “You can just call me Bernie, Sir … I mean Fran.”

Pope – “I like very much how you talk about income inequality in your country. The billionaires just care for themselves. Always want more, more, more.”

Sanders – “Yes, we have a serious wealth gap in the United States. The top 1/10th of 1 percent — not 1 percent — the top 1/10th of 1 percent today in America owns almost as much wealth as the bottom 90 percent.”

Pope – “I know. I listen to your speeches. Here we have cable. I get CNN.”

Sanders – “And I hear your speeches about our corrupt political-economic system. I really like it when you take on “trickle-down” economics… I think you called it a crock or something?”

Pope – “I called it the dung of the Devil. Now, Signore Sanders … I mean, Bernie, I hear you are a Jew but not a practicing Jew?”

Sanders – “That is correct. I believe that there is a connection between all living things, and that my belief in God requires me to do all that I can to follow the ‘Golden Rule,’ to do unto others and as I would have them do unto me.”

Pope – “Brava, Brava! You hit the nail, as they say, on top of the head!”

Sanders – “ Thank you Fran. People say my chances of becoming the next president, well, they say I don’t have a prayer.”

Pope – “I pray for you, Bernie. Let’s keep in touch. Here is my private email address, on my private server.”

Photo | dailynewsbin.com

 

 

 

Filed Under: satire

The Holy Father Is “Feeling The Bern”

April 8, 2016 By John DeProspo 5 Comments

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Bernie Sanders has accepted an invitation from Pope Francis to visit the Vatican next week. The Vermont senator will participate in an April 15 conference on social, economic and environmental issues. It is not yet certain whether the two will meet in private but if they do, the two socialists will surely have much to talk about.

Pope Francis is not your typical Bishop of Rome. The 79-year-old Jesuit has been outspoken about helping the poor and has been praised for criticizing the “worship of money.”

Bernie Sanders is not your everyday Democratic presidential candidate. The 74-year-old Brooklyn-born son of Polish-Jewish immigrants has made tackling income inequality a central issue of his campaign. Sanders has railed against the greed of the billionaire class and the recklessness of Wall Street.

Forgetting religious labels for a moment, the two septuagenarians are kindred spirits. The Pontiff’s message about the moral imperative for economic equality has struck a chord among Catholics hungry for a spiritual leader who actually preaches the gospel of Christ. Francis is a true progressive trying to take a 2000-year-old institution into the 21st century.

Sanders, a self-described democratic socialist, has struck a nerve among progressive Democrats with his message of a rigged economic and political system. He has amassed a large following, particularly among young people, in his long-shot bid against front-runner rival, Hillary Clinton.

“I am a big, big fan of the Pope,” said Sanders in an interview on MSNBC. “He’s trying to inject this sense of morality into how we do economics … and we need that absolutely desperately.” If elected, Sanders would be the first Jewish U.S. president.

The Pope’s invitation comes at a critical time for Sanders. The New York and Pennsylvania primaries will be held only a few days after Sanders’ visit with the Pope. Francis’ popularity among Catholics and non-Catholics alike should help Sanders and keep the Bernie momentum going now that the primary season heads into the home stretch.

“I am really excited about meeting with the Holy Father,” said Sanders. “I just hope he doesn’t try to convert me!”

OK. I made up that last quote!

But these two wise, grandfatherly men, who speak of social and economic justice, are what this world greatly needs more of.

Photos |usatoday.com/huffingtonpost.com

 

 

 

Filed Under: politics

It Was Inevitable … Democratic Race Turns Nasty

April 7, 2016 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

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The political narrative this election season has focused on the stark differences between Democrats and Republicans. While GOP presidential candidates slung mud at one another at their debates, the Democrats remained civil and kept their debates issue-oriented.

Not any more.

At a campaign rally yesterday in Pennsylvania, Bernie Sanders suggested Hillary Clinton is not “qualified” to be president. But he didn’t just leave it at that. He went on to say:

“Let me just say in response to Secretary Clinton, I don’t believe  that she is qualified if she is, through her Super PAC, taking tens of  millions of dollars in special-interest money. I don’t think  that you are qualified if you get $15 million from Wall Street through your super PAC.”

“I don’t think you are qualified if you have voted for the disastrous war in Iraq. I don’t think you are qualified if you’ve supported virtually every disastrous trade agreement which has cost us millions of decent paying jobs.”

Bernie’s outburst came after Clinton questioned Sanders’ recent comments about banking reform, suggesting he didn’t know what he was talking about and needed to do his “homework.” A Washington Post article about Hillary’s comments (circulated by the Sanders camp) misleadingly said: “Clinton questions whether Sanders is qualified to be president.” In fairness to Clinton, she did not actually say Sanders is unqualified, though that was the gist of her criticism.

Yes, the Democratic presidential race has veered into new territory. But this was to be expected. The contest is headed into the fourth quarter and the Sanders camp can do the math. Clinton has a commanding lead in the delegate count, and with the all-important New York primary looming on the horizon, Bernie needs a game changer.

For Clinton, she is no doubt stung by Sanders’ recent string of primary wins, including his most recent comeback victory in Wisconsin. The Bernie momentum needs to be stopped.

Will this new nastiness hurt the eventual Democratic nominee in unifying the party? Probably not. There is just too much at stake to hold grudges. The possibility of a Republican back into the White House will surely motivate Dems to rally behind their nominee.

Photo | nationalrighttolifenews.org

 

Filed Under: politics

New GOP Game … “Which State Can Be The Most Bigoted”

April 5, 2016 By John DeProspo 12 Comments

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On the heels of North Carolina’s recent new law sanctioning discrimination, the state of Mississippi has just raised the stakes by enacting a more restrictive anti-LGBT law of its own.

While it is hard to imagine a law that could out-bigot North Carolina’s, Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant today put his signature on a bill that does just that. The new law would “allow the denial of services, goods, wedding products, medical treatment, housing, and employment to LGBT people.”

The law, with the Orwellian name “Protecting Freedom of Conscience from Government Discrimination Act,” has met with sustained opposition from LGBT groups, businesses and the Mississippi Economic Council. They say the law sanctions discrimination against lesbians and gays.

It is only a matter of time before the backlash to this unconstitutional law begins. Just as was the case in North Carolina. Just as was the case in Indiana. But while the Indiana legislature had the good sense to “water-down” its so-called “religious freedom” bill, North Carolina has not yet felt the full economic pain to take remedial action. But they will, just as Mississippi will.

What is it about these Republican-controlled states?

For years, many Republican voters have been voting against their own economic interests. They vote for the party that favors tax cuts for the rich; eliminating social programs they rely on; and slashing funds for public education.

Now Republican-controlled statehouses are passing bills that will clearly hurt business within those states. As with blue-collar and low-income Republican voters, hot-button social issues are motivating the legislatures in these mostly southern states. In the case of these so-called “religious liberty” laws, it is opposition to newly acquired rights by gays, thanks to the Supreme Court, that is providing the impetus for these laws.

One gay rights advocacy group, Freedom for All Americans, dubbed the new Mississippi law “the nation’s worst piece of anti-LGBT legislation.” While that may be the case, for now, don’t bet against another Republican-controlled state upping the ante.

“This is a sad day for the state of Mississippi and for the thousands of Mississippians who can now be turned away from businesses, refused marriage licenses, or denied housing, essential services and needed care based on who they are,” said Jennifer Riley-Collins, executive director of the ACLU of Mississippi.

It was Bobby Jindal who coined the phrase “stupid party” to describe today’s GOP.

It appears the party of stupid just can’t help itself.

Photo | bbc.com

Filed Under: politics

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