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Archives for March 2018

Evangelicals Don’t Care If Trump Knew Stormy “In The Biblical Sense”

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Evangelicals used to stand for something …“family values” and good old-fashioned “Christian morality.” Nowadays, not so much.

Their full-throttled support of the sexual deviant currently occupying the White House has taken care of all that. If anything, evangelicalism is today more aptly associated with good old-fashioned hypocrisy.

Evangelicals don’t care about Stormy Daniels, or Karen McDougal, or any other woman Donald Trump may have had an extramarital affair with.

Michael Avenatti, Stormy Daniels’ lawyer, recently revealed six other women claiming to have had sex with Donald Trump have contacted him.

Yet none of this seems to bother all those self-proclaimed pious conservative Christians who expressed righteous indignation over the dalliances of another White House inhabitant, one William Jefferson Clinton.

To be fair, some prominent evangelical leaders have admitted they are no longer tied to a specific set of doctrinal beliefs.

Tony Perkins, head of the Family Research Council, has made it clear that American evangelicalism is no longer about doctrine, at least not as much as it is about politics.

Evangelical Christians, said Perkins in an interview with Politico, “were tired of being kicked around by Barack Obama and his leftists. And I think they are finally glad that there’s somebody on the playground that is willing to punch the bully.” Perkins added, “Look, Christianity is not all about being a welcome mat which people can just stomp their feet on.”

The jig is up folks. Evangelicals are all about power and revenge. They do not care who their champion is or what he’s done as long as he can lead them to their earthly Promised Land.

The irony, of course, is that Trump is probably the least religious person you’ll ever find.

Trump is a user of people. He is a user of women. He is a user of the self-pitying religious right who now feel more empowered to push their beliefs and Stone Age agenda on the rest of the country.

“A person’s character is shown through their actions in life NOT where they sit on Sunday” – Navonne Johns

Photo | thehill.com

 

Trump Looking To Add Vincent Gambini To Legal Team

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

Within hours after the resignation of John Dowd as his lead lawyer in the FBI Special Counsel investigation, Donald Trump has asked Vincent LaGuardia Gambini to join his legal team.

Yes, Vincent Gambini is a fictional character played by Joe Pesci in the movie, “My Cousin Vinny.” This does not matter to Trump.

“Aren’t lawyers just frustrated actors?” questioned Trump.

“I need an aggressive lawyer like Vinny who will fight for me like he did for those two New York boys falsely accused of murder at the ‘Sac-O-Suds’,” said the 45th president of the United States. “Yes, I know Joe was just acting a part. What do you think I’m doing?”

“Vinny’s a great lawyer, believe me,” said Trump. “If he can fool Judge Herman Munster, he can more than handle Mueller.”

Asked if Vinny (Pesci) has accepted his offer, Trump said, “ No, not yet. But Gambinis are proud people. They believe in seeing justice done. Nobody, I mean nobody, pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini.”

Photo | women.com

 

Russian Voters Anxiously Await Final Election Results

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

Even though strongman, and former KGB spy, Vladimir Putin, has been declared the overwhelming winner of today’s presidential election, many Russians are still concerned.

No, not of Putin’s victory but of his winning vote count.

The Central Election Commission announced Putin’s victory three minutes after voting “officially” ended. With around 80 percent of the ballots counted, Putin has received approximately 75% of the vote.

Despite reports of ballot-box stuffing and forced voting, it does not appear Putin will match the results of other autocrats who routinely win by incredible margins.

In 2014, North Korea’s state media confirmed Kim Jong-un was the proud recipient of 100% of the country’s vote.

If Putin does not receive at least 90% of the vote, some Russians believe they will have an angry comrade on their hands.

“This would be a big blow to our commandant’s ego after all he did to drive up the vote count,” said one voter who refused to give her name. “Things may not be so good for us if the numbers don’t go up.”

“There could be a cutback in our vodka rations,” said the worried voter.

Asked if she voted for Putin out of her own free will, the voter shook her head. “Nyet, I was offered a free pizza.”

Putin, 65, who has been in power, either as president or prime minister, since 2000 won another six year term.

“He is a strong leader,” said another voter who described himself as an enthusiastic supporter. “He will crush his enemies like a foot on an ant.”

“Look what he’s done to the U.S.,” he added. “Because of our commander’s genius, those ignorant Americans are now stuck with a moron as president. Yes, it cost us many rubles, but it was worth it.”

As of this writing, Putin had not yet received his congratulatory call from Donald Trump.

No doubt Trump will do so as soon as he finishes today’s round of golf.

Photo | standardmedia.co.ke

*moronmajority.com is a satirical blog

 

 

Stormy Daniels Threatened With Physical Harm … Mob Style

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

The Stormy Daniels story has taken a dangerous turn. According to her lawyer, Michael Avenetti, Daniels has started to receive threats of “physical harm” if she spills the beans about her affair with Donald Trump.

At a hastily gathered news conference, Avenetti played a threatening message left on Ms. Daniels’ answering machine.

“Hey, Stormy. Those are two nice knockers you have there. Would be a shame if something were to happen to them” said the caller.

Avenetti immediately contacted the FBI. According to a person familiar with the agency’s investigation, the call has already been successfully traced to its source… the White House!

Asked about this shocking turn of events, Trump called the whole thing “fake news.”

“I know nothing about this,” said Trump. “And who would threaten to harm those two gorgeous knockers.”

It looks as if Trump’s big mouth, and lack of forethought, might have gotten him in a world of trouble once again. According to the FBI source, no one revealed to Trump the actual contents of the recorded message!

A coincidence?

Photo | nydailynews.com

 

For A Businessman, And Wharton Graduate, Trump Stinks At Math

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Perhaps because he had nothing better to do, or there was a long wait at the next hole, today Trump tweeted how popular he is.

Rasmussen and others have my approval ratings at around 50%, which is higher than Obama, and yet the political pundits love saying my approval ratings are “somewhat low.” They know they are lying when they say it. Turn off the show – FAKE NEWS!   8:16 AM – Mar 11, 2018

Even for a man who never lets facts get in the way of a good tweet, this one is a doozy because it is so easy to disprove. Trump’s latest Rasmussen rating stands at 44%. For those Trump fans crying fake news, here is the link to rasmussenreports.com with the latest numbers.

I don’t know, but when I studied math in high school the number 44 was closer to 40 than 50. Maybe it’s the “new math”?

Here is how Trump fares in popularity on Rasmussen and “other” polls:

Rasmussen 44%
Marist 44%
Economist 41%
Quinnipiac 38%
Monmouth 40%
Reuters 40%
Gallup 39%

Let’s not kid ourselves. Trump puts out patently false statements for one simple reason … his diehard supporters have been conditioned to take him at his word. They don’t question … they don’t fact-check.

But what if they click that link to rasmunnsenreports.com?

“Site must have been hacked by some liberal commie group” or  “someone sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds.”

Poll numbers provided by Josh Jordan @numbersmuncher

Photo | bostonglobe.com

Trump’s Lawyer, Michael Cohen, … No “Legal Eagle”

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Donald Trump likes to boast he surrounds himself with only the best and the brightest. Judging from the revolving door that is his administration, that brag is just another example of the fantasyland Trump’s mind inhabits.

Take Michael Cohen, Trump’s personal lawyer.

Also known as Trump’s “pit bull,” Cohen has demonstrated, on multiple occasions, he will never be confused with Clarence Darrow. The whole Stormy Daniels saga drips with legal incompetence and possible ethics violations.

Many lawyers watching Cohen’s most recent bumbling performance can only shake their heads and laugh. “Where did this guy get his law degree … Trump U? A Cracker Jack box?”

Michael Cohen is a graduate of Thomas M. Cooley Law School, in Michigan. The school was recently ranked the worst law school in the country by Above the Law.

According to Cooley’s ABA required disclosures, only 27.4% of graduates from the class of 2015 obtained full-time, bar-passage-required employment 9 months after graduation. As for academic standards, Cooley recently accepted 85.6% of its applicants, far and away the highest acceptance rate in the country.

Even mob bosses know to look for talent among the better law schools. The infamous Roy Cohn, who, coincidentally, was one of Trump’s early mentors, was a graduate of Columbia Law School.

The combination of dumbness and bravado may get you a job with Trump, but it can also buy you major ethical and legal problems, potentially meriting disbarment and prosecution for crimes.

Paying a porn star “hush money” out of his own pocket to silence her about her alleged affair with Donald Trump, Cohen may have broken several laws and ethical rules.

But a far greater threat to Cohen is the Mueller Trump-Russia investigation. It has been reported he is a person of interest to the Special Counsel because of his role in the negotiations he undertook during the campaign to help the Trump Organization build a tower in Moscow.

Michael Cohen … not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Yes, he may be a “pit bull” but he is far from the “legal eagle” someone like Trump should be surrounding himself with.

Photo | dailydot.com

 

“Trump-Lovers” Finding It Hard To Hook Up

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We’ve all heard the adage “never mix politics with romance.” Well, for Trump aficionados, the rule could not ring truer.

Washingtonian.com recently did a piece on the difficulty of dating in Washington D.C. titled: “Why It’s Hard For Conservatives To Date In DC Right Now.”

The gist of the article is that a good number of conservatives are having a tough go of it ever since the election. According to one unnamed Trump administration official, it’s especially hard to land a date if you’re involved with the Trump White House.

“A lot of times you’ll connect with someone [on an app] and they’ll Google you, find out you worked for Trump’s campaign, and then it’s pretty much all downhill from there,” the official said.

And things can go wrong for you even if you are not mixed up in the Trump administration or are not a MAGA-hat wearing Trump diehard.

A right-wing reporter told the Washingtonian he recently went out on a date that went south quickly once the woman noticed some conservative books on his shelf. Even though the guy insisted he didn’t vote for Trump and considers himself a moderate conservative, it was goodbye Charlie.

But things may be getting better for lovelorn Trumpites.

Two dating sites, Trump.dating and Trumpsingles.com, have been created just for Trump fans. The older site, Trumpsingles.com, predictably, uses the slogan: “Making Dating Great Again.”

The newer site, Trump.dating has come under criticism for striking an anti-LGBT tone right from the get-go. When you begin the process of starting a profile, you get two options for labeling yourself — “straight man” or “straight woman.” Interestingly, though, Trump.dating’s drop-down menus are “married-people” friendly. For a relationship status, the site offers options like “have a significant other,” “happily married,” and “unhappily married.”

Whether these Trump dating sites succeed remains to be seen. Anecdotal evidence suggests they are having a hard time attracting new members.

When you consider that a majority of Americans are Trump-haters and not Trump-lovers, and that young people are increasingly turning away from conservatism, it is no wonder that unlike a more popular site like Match.com, on Trump dating sites, the pickings can be downright slim.

Photo | abc.net.au

 

 

Even With White House Walls Closing In, It’s Business As Usual For Trump

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It’s official. Donald Trump is running for reelection.

This past Tuesday, Trump announced his pick for 2020 campaign manager, Brad Parscale. On Saturday, Trump is scheduled to visit his golf resort, Mar-a-Lago, for some good old-fashioned fundraising … a luncheon with tickets ranging from $2,700 all the way to a VIP package that includes a meal and photo with Trump for those who bundle $50,000 in contributions.

So, despite FBI Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller breathing down his neck, Trump is planning his next four-year term and out raising the big bucks.

Donald Trump, the former casino magnate, must not be a betting man. If he were, he’d realize the odds of his reelection aren’t very promising.

The Ireland-based gambling website Paddy Power thinks it’s highly unlikely Trump lasts his first term in office without being impeached. The odds are currently 4-7 that Trump is impeached before Inauguration Day 2021. To put that in perspective, oddsmakers at Paddy Power think it’s nearly twice as likely Trump will be impeached as it is that he will serve four years in office.

But Trump is a New Yorker. And what are New Yorkers famous for?

Chutzpah.

For you non-New Yorkers, chutzpah is a Yiddish term meaning extreme self-confidence or, as Leo Rosten in The Joys of Yiddish defines it: “gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, incredible ‘guts’.”

One thing’s for sure, the man who doesn’t like to read, will never see the writing on the wall. It’s damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead.

The man whose ego is consistently stroked by Fox News believes he is the greatest president of all time. Why wouldn’t he run for, and expect to win, reelection? And the Russia thing? It’s a hoax, Sean said so.

That polls show he is the least popular first-year president in modern U.S. history doesn’t register with Trump. It’s all fake news, right?

Oh, one of the side effects of chutzpah? Severe delusions … as in the kid who is on trial for murdering his parents but begs the judge for mercy because he is now an orphan!

Photo | palmbeachdailynews.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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