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Trump Looking To Add Vincent Gambini To Legal Team

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

Within hours after the resignation of John Dowd as his lead lawyer in the FBI Special Counsel investigation, Donald Trump has asked Vincent LaGuardia Gambini to join his legal team.

Yes, Vincent Gambini is a fictional character played by Joe Pesci in the movie, “My Cousin Vinny.” This does not matter to Trump.

“Aren’t lawyers just frustrated actors?” questioned Trump.

“I need an aggressive lawyer like Vinny who will fight for me like he did for those two New York boys falsely accused of murder at the ‘Sac-O-Suds’,” said the 45th president of the United States. “Yes, I know Joe was just acting a part. What do you think I’m doing?”

“Vinny’s a great lawyer, believe me,” said Trump. “If he can fool Judge Herman Munster, he can more than handle Mueller.”

Asked if Vinny (Pesci) has accepted his offer, Trump said, “ No, not yet. But Gambinis are proud people. They believe in seeing justice done. Nobody, I mean nobody, pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini.”

Photo | women.com

 

Russian Voters Anxiously Await Final Election Results

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

Even though strongman, and former KGB spy, Vladimir Putin, has been declared the overwhelming winner of today’s presidential election, many Russians are still concerned.

No, not of Putin’s victory but of his winning vote count.

The Central Election Commission announced Putin’s victory three minutes after voting “officially” ended. With around 80 percent of the ballots counted, Putin has received approximately 75% of the vote.

Despite reports of ballot-box stuffing and forced voting, it does not appear Putin will match the results of other autocrats who routinely win by incredible margins.

In 2014, North Korea’s state media confirmed Kim Jong-un was the proud recipient of 100% of the country’s vote.

If Putin does not receive at least 90% of the vote, some Russians believe they will have an angry comrade on their hands.

“This would be a big blow to our commandant’s ego after all he did to drive up the vote count,” said one voter who refused to give her name. “Things may not be so good for us if the numbers don’t go up.”

“There could be a cutback in our vodka rations,” said the worried voter.

Asked if she voted for Putin out of her own free will, the voter shook her head. “Nyet, I was offered a free pizza.”

Putin, 65, who has been in power, either as president or prime minister, since 2000 won another six year term.

“He is a strong leader,” said another voter who described himself as an enthusiastic supporter. “He will crush his enemies like a foot on an ant.”

“Look what he’s done to the U.S.,” he added. “Because of our commander’s genius, those ignorant Americans are now stuck with a moron as president. Yes, it cost us many rubles, but it was worth it.”

As of this writing, Putin had not yet received his congratulatory call from Donald Trump.

No doubt Trump will do so as soon as he finishes today’s round of golf.

Photo | standardmedia.co.ke

*moronmajority.com is a satirical blog

 

 

Stormy Daniels Threatened With Physical Harm … Mob Style

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

The Stormy Daniels story has taken a dangerous turn. According to her lawyer, Michael Avenetti, Daniels has started to receive threats of “physical harm” if she spills the beans about her affair with Donald Trump.

At a hastily gathered news conference, Avenetti played a threatening message left on Ms. Daniels’ answering machine.

“Hey, Stormy. Those are two nice knockers you have there. Would be a shame if something were to happen to them” said the caller.

Avenetti immediately contacted the FBI. According to a person familiar with the agency’s investigation, the call has already been successfully traced to its source… the White House!

Asked about this shocking turn of events, Trump called the whole thing “fake news.”

“I know nothing about this,” said Trump. “And who would threaten to harm those two gorgeous knockers.”

It looks as if Trump’s big mouth, and lack of forethought, might have gotten him in a world of trouble once again. According to the FBI source, no one revealed to Trump the actual contents of the recorded message!

A coincidence?

Photo | nydailynews.com

 

For A Businessman, And Wharton Graduate, Trump Stinks At Math

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Perhaps because he had nothing better to do, or there was a long wait at the next hole, today Trump tweeted how popular he is.

Rasmussen and others have my approval ratings at around 50%, which is higher than Obama, and yet the political pundits love saying my approval ratings are “somewhat low.” They know they are lying when they say it. Turn off the show – FAKE NEWS!   8:16 AM – Mar 11, 2018

Even for a man who never lets facts get in the way of a good tweet, this one is a doozy because it is so easy to disprove. Trump’s latest Rasmussen rating stands at 44%. For those Trump fans crying fake news, here is the link to rasmussenreports.com with the latest numbers.

I don’t know, but when I studied math in high school the number 44 was closer to 40 than 50. Maybe it’s the “new math”?

Here is how Trump fares in popularity on Rasmussen and “other” polls:

Rasmussen 44%
Marist 44%
Economist 41%
Quinnipiac 38%
Monmouth 40%
Reuters 40%
Gallup 39%

Let’s not kid ourselves. Trump puts out patently false statements for one simple reason … his diehard supporters have been conditioned to take him at his word. They don’t question … they don’t fact-check.

But what if they click that link to rasmunnsenreports.com?

“Site must have been hacked by some liberal commie group” or  “someone sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds.”

Poll numbers provided by Josh Jordan @numbersmuncher

Photo | bostonglobe.com

Trump’s Lawyer, Michael Cohen, … No “Legal Eagle”

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Donald Trump likes to boast he surrounds himself with only the best and the brightest. Judging from the revolving door that is his administration, that brag is just another example of the fantasyland Trump’s mind inhabits.

Take Michael Cohen, Trump’s personal lawyer.

Also known as Trump’s “pit bull,” Cohen has demonstrated, on multiple occasions, he will never be confused with Clarence Darrow. The whole Stormy Daniels saga drips with legal incompetence and possible ethics violations.

Many lawyers watching Cohen’s most recent bumbling performance can only shake their heads and laugh. “Where did this guy get his law degree … Trump U? A Cracker Jack box?”

Michael Cohen is a graduate of Thomas M. Cooley Law School, in Michigan. The school was recently ranked the worst law school in the country by Above the Law.

According to Cooley’s ABA required disclosures, only 27.4% of graduates from the class of 2015 obtained full-time, bar-passage-required employment 9 months after graduation. As for academic standards, Cooley recently accepted 85.6% of its applicants, far and away the highest acceptance rate in the country.

Even mob bosses know to look for talent among the better law schools. The infamous Roy Cohn, who, coincidentally, was one of Trump’s early mentors, was a graduate of Columbia Law School.

The combination of dumbness and bravado may get you a job with Trump, but it can also buy you major ethical and legal problems, potentially meriting disbarment and prosecution for crimes.

Paying a porn star “hush money” out of his own pocket to silence her about her alleged affair with Donald Trump, Cohen may have broken several laws and ethical rules.

But a far greater threat to Cohen is the Mueller Trump-Russia investigation. It has been reported he is a person of interest to the Special Counsel because of his role in the negotiations he undertook during the campaign to help the Trump Organization build a tower in Moscow.

Michael Cohen … not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Yes, he may be a “pit bull” but he is far from the “legal eagle” someone like Trump should be surrounding himself with.

Photo | dailydot.com

 

“Trump-Lovers” Finding It Hard To Hook Up

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We’ve all heard the adage “never mix politics with romance.” Well, for Trump aficionados, the rule could not ring truer.

Washingtonian.com recently did a piece on the difficulty of dating in Washington D.C. titled: “Why It’s Hard For Conservatives To Date In DC Right Now.”

The gist of the article is that a good number of conservatives are having a tough go of it ever since the election. According to one unnamed Trump administration official, it’s especially hard to land a date if you’re involved with the Trump White House.

“A lot of times you’ll connect with someone [on an app] and they’ll Google you, find out you worked for Trump’s campaign, and then it’s pretty much all downhill from there,” the official said.

And things can go wrong for you even if you are not mixed up in the Trump administration or are not a MAGA-hat wearing Trump diehard.

A right-wing reporter told the Washingtonian he recently went out on a date that went south quickly once the woman noticed some conservative books on his shelf. Even though the guy insisted he didn’t vote for Trump and considers himself a moderate conservative, it was goodbye Charlie.

But things may be getting better for lovelorn Trumpites.

Two dating sites, Trump.dating and Trumpsingles.com, have been created just for Trump fans. The older site, Trumpsingles.com, predictably, uses the slogan: “Making Dating Great Again.”

The newer site, Trump.dating has come under criticism for striking an anti-LGBT tone right from the get-go. When you begin the process of starting a profile, you get two options for labeling yourself — “straight man” or “straight woman.” Interestingly, though, Trump.dating’s drop-down menus are “married-people” friendly. For a relationship status, the site offers options like “have a significant other,” “happily married,” and “unhappily married.”

Whether these Trump dating sites succeed remains to be seen. Anecdotal evidence suggests they are having a hard time attracting new members.

When you consider that a majority of Americans are Trump-haters and not Trump-lovers, and that young people are increasingly turning away from conservatism, it is no wonder that unlike a more popular site like Match.com, on Trump dating sites, the pickings can be downright slim.

Photo | abc.net.au

 

 

Even With White House Walls Closing In, It’s Business As Usual For Trump

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It’s official. Donald Trump is running for reelection.

This past Tuesday, Trump announced his pick for 2020 campaign manager, Brad Parscale. On Saturday, Trump is scheduled to visit his golf resort, Mar-a-Lago, for some good old-fashioned fundraising … a luncheon with tickets ranging from $2,700 all the way to a VIP package that includes a meal and photo with Trump for those who bundle $50,000 in contributions.

So, despite FBI Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller breathing down his neck, Trump is planning his next four-year term and out raising the big bucks.

Donald Trump, the former casino magnate, must not be a betting man. If he were, he’d realize the odds of his reelection aren’t very promising.

The Ireland-based gambling website Paddy Power thinks it’s highly unlikely Trump lasts his first term in office without being impeached. The odds are currently 4-7 that Trump is impeached before Inauguration Day 2021. To put that in perspective, oddsmakers at Paddy Power think it’s nearly twice as likely Trump will be impeached as it is that he will serve four years in office.

But Trump is a New Yorker. And what are New Yorkers famous for?

Chutzpah.

For you non-New Yorkers, chutzpah is a Yiddish term meaning extreme self-confidence or, as Leo Rosten in The Joys of Yiddish defines it: “gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, incredible ‘guts’.”

One thing’s for sure, the man who doesn’t like to read, will never see the writing on the wall. It’s damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead.

The man whose ego is consistently stroked by Fox News believes he is the greatest president of all time. Why wouldn’t he run for, and expect to win, reelection? And the Russia thing? It’s a hoax, Sean said so.

That polls show he is the least popular first-year president in modern U.S. history doesn’t register with Trump. It’s all fake news, right?

Oh, one of the side effects of chutzpah? Severe delusions … as in the kid who is on trial for murdering his parents but begs the judge for mercy because he is now an orphan!

Photo | palmbeachdailynews.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SDSU – Home Of “The Aztecs” – Offers Course on Removing Trump

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In a move that has right-wing media outlets in a tizzy, San Diego State University is offering a seminar titled: “Trump: Impeachment, Removal or Conviction?” To Trump supporters, this is just one more example of academia’s bias against the president.

A story about the class first appeared on Campus Reform, a website that aims to “expose liberal bias on America’s campuses.” The article falsely states the course is “dedicated exclusively to the topic of removing Donald Trump from office.”

University officials, however, have stated the class isn’t actually focused on getting Donald Trump out of the White House.

According to the course description, the weekend-long, one credit class will focus on the “two constitutional grounds: impeachment and removal (25th Amendment), and the possible charges of the independent counsel, the powers of the president, a history of the creation of that office and the comparison of divine right and rule of law leadership, presidential impeachments, including (President Richard) Nixon’s de facto impeachment” and more.

Following is a statement provided by SDSU:

The course presents an overall framework of impeachment, removal, or criminal investigation of a president and rather than focusing on President Trump, reviews all 19 impeachments in U.S. history. The one-unit, weekend class is not a requirement for graduation and is not paid for by state funds.

Trump TV, otherwise known as Fox News, is having a field day with the story. In a segment on Fox & Friends, co-host Ainsley Earhardt, interviewed the president of the SDSU College Republicans, Brandon Jones, who offered up this view:

“I think the dangerous part of it is that they are making a very strong claim that the president has sort of committed crimes of treason or bribery and that he is, you know, been allegedly accused of violating the Article 2 Section 4 of the Constitution.”

Perhaps the SDSU student would be well advised to learn a thing or two about another part of the Constitution … the First Amendment.

The irony that the school’s nickname is ”the Aztecs”, an ancient and proud nomadic tribe in northern Mexico, is rich.

Photo | uniquevenues.com

 

 

Will Enough Finally Be Enough This Time?

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It’s so easy to be cynical, especially when it comes to gun safety legislation.

If the deaths of innocent six and seven-year-olds couldn’t move the needle on enacting common sense gun regulations, nothing will. At least that was the mantra up until the Parkland Florida mass shooting.

Call me a crazy optimist, but I sense something different this time around. There is a sense of outrage and disgust that, I believe, will last long after the latest gun tragedy is no longer headline news.

In a new CNN/SSRS poll taken in the week after the horrific massacre at the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, nearly three quarters of respondents said they favored stricter gun laws. CNN reports that the mind-boggling results suggest that support for more gun control in America is at its highest level since 1993.

CNN goes on to say:

Overall, 70% now say they back stricter gun laws, up from 52% who said so in an October poll not long after a mass shooting in Las Vegas killed 58 people. Just 27% oppose stricter laws.  Bumps in support for tighter laws following mass shootings have rarely lasted, but they have also rarely been as large as the shift seen in this poll.

What is different about the latest mass shooting and prior massacres is they didn’t have the survivors of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School!

These fearless, and articulate, kids are not going to let their ordeal be swept under the rug by the National Rifle Association and its apologists. The gun group that usually plays offense after similar tragedies is suddenly finding itself on defense.

Americans of all political persuasions are pushing companies to cut ties with the powerful gun lobby. Gun-reform activists are targeting not weapons makers, but banks, rental car agencies, airlines, insurers and other companies with ties to the NRA.

And the new tactic is working!

“Americans have had it,” said Shannon Watts, founder of Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America, a group that calls for gun law reform. “This feels like a different energy level,” she added.

The battle to defeat the NRA will be difficult and long, but it feels to me … and to many others … we may have finally turned the corner towards enacting some common sense gun regulations.

There actually may come a day when an “A” from the NRA will no longer be seen as a badge of honor by politicians, but one of shame.

Photo | abcactionnews.com

 

 

 

 

House Approves Measure Calling For Gun Labeling … “Shoot Responsibly”

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Reprint from satirical blog Moronmajority.com

After the latest mass shooting in Parkland, Florida, Congress has finally gotten serious about gun safety legislation. In a vote of 218-217, the House of Representatives, by the slimmest margin, yesterday passed a bill that would mandate all guns sold in the United States carry the warning: “Shoot Responsibly.”

Rep. Earl Scruggs (R-TN) hailed the vote as a much needed first step in making gun owners aware that with their unalienable right to bear arms comes the obligation to use their weapon appropriately. The admonition must be affixed to all packaging containing a weapon, from the smallest handgun to the largest assault rifle.

“What this tells the gun-consuming public,” said Scruggs, “is that it’s OK to use your gun for hunting, for target practice and self defense, but not to shoot up a movie theater, a nightclub or a school.”

Scruggs, who can up with the idea after watching a Heineken commercial encouraging consumers to “drink responsibly,” knew he was on to something that could pass the House.

”It took a lot of arm-twisting but we were finally able to get bipartisan agreement on my bill,” said Scruggs. “I know some people say this will not solve the problem of gun violence in our country, but it’s a start.”

For those old enough to remember, Earl Scruggs was a member of Nancy Reagan’s task force in the 1980’s war against drugs. Scruggs was credited with coming up with the highly successful campaign “Just say NO!”

The NRA, taken by surprise by the bill’s passage, has not yet weighed in on whether it will support the legislation. A spokesperson has indicated the gun group may agree to the labeling “depending on the size of the print.

Asked for comment, Donald Trump said he would be happy to sign the bill if it ever gets to his desk.

“I am all for people using their guns responsibly,” said Trump. “You know, something like this, along with training and arming teachers, will go a long way in making our schools, and country, safer.”

The fate of a similar bill being introduced in the Senate remains uncertain.

Photo | Official White House Photo by Lawrence Jackson

Satire?

 

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