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Archives for September 2020

Fox News Awards Chris Wallace Combat Pay

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Reprint from moronmajority.com*

For his heroic performance moderating last night’s first presidential debate, Fox News has awarded its star reporter, Chris Wallace, combat pay.

The bonus rewards Wallace for having survived what many are calling the mother of all contests – the “presidential debate” between Donald Trump and Joe Biden.

Throughout the night, Wallace bravely withstood a barrage of incoming fire from Donald Trump who repeatedly criticized him, while interrupting Biden every chance he got.

Things got so heated that Wallace was forced to remind Trump just who was in control of the debate. 

“Mr. President, I’m the moderator of this debate and I’d like you to let me ask my questions,” Wallace said.

Unfortunately for Wallace, his brave performance was not appreciated by all. Many of Trump’s most ardent supporters accused him of favoring Biden by having the audacity of cutting Trump off mid-rant, trying to steer the conversation back to the topic at hand.

Close associates of Mr. Wallace are concerned that the brutal experience may leave him a victim of PTSD.

Photo | foxnews.com

*moronmajority.com is a satirical site … seriously!

Handful of Ted Cruz Supporters Upset With Trump SCOTUS Pick

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Reprint from moronmajority.com*

Now that Donald Trump has chosen Amy Coney Barrett to be his nominee to fill Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s Supreme Court seat, a number of Ted Cruz enthusiasts are disappointed with Trump’s selection.

According to a White House source, Cruz was in the running to sit on the nation’s highest court up until the very end. But, the source revealed, it was Trump’s son-in-law and senior advisor, Jared Kushner, who put an end to Cruz’s chances. “Do you really want the son of the man who helped assassinate JFK on the bench?” asked Kushner. “It’s just not a good look.”

The source also stated that Cruz’s harsh words during the 2016 presidential campaign didn’t sit well with many of Trump’s other advisors.

As you may recall, this is what Cruz said about then-candidate Trump: 

“This man is a pathological liar, he doesn’t know the difference between truth and lies … in a pattern that is straight out of a psychology text book, he accuses everyone of lying.”

For good measure, Cruz also accused Trump of being “utterly amoral,” a “narcissist at a level I don’t think this country’s ever seen” and “a serial philanderer.”

As disappointed as Cruz’s supporters may be, they should take heart … if Trump wins reelection, he may have the opportunity of naming a fourth, or even fifth, justice to the Court.

Word on the street is that, if Trump wins, Clarence Thomas is looking forward to spending more time with his family.

Photo | cnn.com

*moronmajority.com is a satirical site … seriously!

Biden To Hire ServPro For White House Restoration Work

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Reprint from moronmajority.com*

It is being reported that Joe Biden, if he were to win the presidency, will hire the cleanup firm, ServPro, to cleanse a White House that has been thoroughly soiled by Donald Trump and his administration.

While ServPro is a leading firm in disaster restoration services, disinfecting the People’s House will present a unique challenge.

“We at ServPro are very experienced at cleaning up after natural disasters … floods, hurricanes and the like. But we’ve never been asked to clean up after a man-made disaster such as a tainted presidency,” said a company spokesperson.

“We know, from its core, the building is rife with scandal, incompetence and corruption. If hired, we will do our best to rid the White House of such odious elements that, I fear, have likely seeped into every wall, of every room,” said the spokesperson. “We are prepared to do our best restoration work for the American people. Our goal would be to bring back honor, honesty and decency to that grand building.”

“We will be true to our motto, ‘Like it never happened’,” said the spokesperson. 

Asked how they plan to rid the White House of the repulsive stench now emanating from every corner of the building, the spokesperson said,” We may actually use something the President has himself suggested to rid a body of coronavirus …. simple household bleach.”

Some political observers are worried Trump may win another four years. If that is the case, the ServPro spokesperson noted a cleanup of the White House would then be impossible, saying, “The building would have to be razed and rebuilt.” 

As a pure cost-saving measure, Americans will need to vote Trump out of office on November 3.

Photo | servprohowardcountrymd.com

*moronmajority.com is a satirical site … seriously!

America’s Last Undecided Voter

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Reprint from moronmajority.com*

With the presidential election less than two months away, battle lines have been drawn. Sides have been chosen. Americans know who they will be voting for … except for Earl Scruggs.

Scruggs has the distinction of being the last undecided voter in the country.

We at Moron Majority recently had the opportunity to interview America’s final fence-sitter.

MM: Mr. Scruggs, how is it with all the news about the two candidates you still haven’t decided who to vote for?

Scruggs: I don’t much listen to the news but I do talk to a lot of people. Seems like half are voting for Trump, half are voting for Biden.

MM: Did you vote for Trump in 2016?

Scruggs: Yes, but in 2008 and 2012 I voted for Obama.

MM: So, you really are a swing voter! What do you like about Trump?

Scruggs: I like that he loves the flag so much he dry humps it every chance he gets. I like Melania too, she’s one mighty fine-looking woman!

MM: What about Biden? What do you like about him?

Scruggs: I like Joe’s teeth. They must be the whitest teeth of any politician ever. I like that he smiles a lot, too.  Plus, I think his aviator shades make him look cool.

MM: Mr. Scruggs, what you’re talking about are appearances and behavior. Aren’t there any policy differences between the two that could help make up your mind?

Scruggs: Nope. To me all that policy stuff doesn’t matter because all politicians are the same. They’ll say anything to get elected. All they want is power and to get reelected. I go with what strikes my eye. I go with my gut. But, right now, it’s telling me to maybe just sit this one out.

So there you have it. Democrats and Republicans will be spending millions in the coming days to sway Earl Scruggs in what may turn out to be one expensive, but futile, effort.

Photo | baltimoresun.com

*moronmajority.com is a satirical site … seriously!

Trump Boaters Out Of Luck … Insurance Claims Denied

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Reprint from moronmajority.com*

Several boats sank yesterday during a boat parade in support of Donald Trump on Lake Travis in Texas. Apparently, the sinking occurred due to choppy water caused by the large number of vessels moving so close together.

Most owners suffering loss have looked to their boat insurance to cover their damages. Unfortunately, many standard boat policies carry a little-known exclusion, namely, “There is no coverage when losses or damages are caused by the owner’s abject stupidity.”

Asked if he felt sorry for those supporters who lost their vessels, Trump snapped., “I like owners whose boats don’t sink, OK?”

Photo | abcnews.go.com

*moronmajority.com is a satirical site … seriously!

Donald Trump Is The Real “Teflon Don”

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If you Google “Teflon Don,” you’ll get many photos of John Gotti, the notorious New York Mafia boss who earned the name by beating criminal charges for years … until he didn’t (courtesy of that rat, “Sammy The Bull” Gravano!)

You’ll get link after link to articles about the stylish gangster whose love of expensive clothing also earned him the nickname, “Dapper Don.”

You will have to go through many pages before you get to any mention of the real “Teflon Don,” Donald Trump.

Yes, Gotti, the Mafia “Don” escaped many criminal prosecutions, but that’s small potatoes compared to what Trump has dodged.

Admit it, you thought Trump’s bid for the White House was over when you saw that Access Hollywood tape on which he brags to Billy Bush about grabbing women “by the pussy.”

But, of course, Trump went on to “win” the election, and after committing numerous crimes while in office, he is still occupying the White House. Nothing … no scandal or outrage… ever seems to stick to Trump. Hell, he even beat an open-and-shut case of bribery and abuse of power thanks to a group of feckless Republican senators!

And now comes what some are calling Trump’s greatest pubic embarrassment since the Access Hollywood tape … his disparaging remarks about the military.

This latest scandal is so bad even Fox News accurately reported that Trump’s mocking remarks, calling our veterans and military members “losers” and “suckers,” had been verified.

In any sane world, Trump’s derogatory remarks about the troops he commands would be the end of his reelection bid.

But if history is any guide, Trump’s base will stick with him. They’ll either believe it’s all “fake news” or simply turn the page.

Yes, there might be one or two brave Republican members of Congress who find the nerve to chastise Trump. 

There may even be a handful of lukewarm Trump supporters who will see these latest disgusting remarks as disqualifying for a man who wants to remain commander-in-chief.

If Trump somehow wins reelection, even after this latest dishonoring of the office he holds, Google will have no choice but to change its algorithms to bring up photos and articles of Donald J. Trump when someone searches “Teflon Don.”

Photo | slate.com

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