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French President Emmanuel Macron Set To Star In Head & Shoulders Ad

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Thanks to the notoriety afforded him by Donald Trump, French president Emmanuel Macron has been signed by Proctor and Gamble to star in a new Head & Shoulders commercial.

Yesterday, as the two world leaders met in the Oval Office, Donald Trump made the surprise move of brushing a speck of dandruff from Macron’s shoulder.

Many are calling the episode “Dandruffgate” as there did not appear to be any dandruff on Macon’s jacket.

Nevertheless, because of Macron’s good-natured acceptance of Trump’s stunt, he has been rewarded by Proctor and Gamble with the starring role in a new TV ad for it’s best selling dandruff shampoo.

Macron said that in honor of Donald Trump, he is donating the proceeds from his advertising venture to Alzheimer’s research.

Photo | AFP PHOTO / ludovic MARIN

Is Dr. Ronny Jackson Really an MD?

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

Now that Dr. Ronny Jackson’s bid to become the next Secretary of Veterans Affairs has suffered a major setback amid allegations of both personal and professional improprieties, some lawmakers are questioning whether Jackson is really a doctor.

A group of senators, both Republican and Democrat, has written a letter to Donald Trump advising him they will not consider Jackson’s nomination to head the VA until he produces his long form medical degree.

These same members of Congress became suspicious of the doctor’s educational background when he gave a glowing bill of health to Trump following his annual physical exam. The man, whose diet consists of junk food and little in the way of exercise, was said to be in “excellent” health by Jackson.

“Based on his cardiac assessment, hands down, there is no question he is in the excellent range,” Jackson told a group of reporters this past January.

For the record, Jackson claims to be a 1995 graduate of the University of Texas Medical Branch (UTMB).

Photo | westernjournal.com

 

 

So What’s Up With Jared And Ivanka?

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With so much drama surrounding the White House these past few weeks … with round-the-clock news coverage of mistresses, Playboy bunnies, FBI raids, Michael Cohen … there has been very little press devoted to two familiar names, Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump.

It’s as if Jarvanka (as the couple is derisively called) skipped town.

Well, last week, they did.

The two attended the Summit of the Americas in Lima, Peru, along with Vice President Mike Pence, Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross, and United States Trade Representative Robert Lighthizer.

Some observers have noted that whenever things heat up in Washington D.C., the power couple seems to make themselves scarce.

As Republican efforts to repeal Obamacare were sinking in the Senate during the spring of 2017, Kushner and family skied in Aspen. During protests in defense of confederate monuments in Charlottesville in August, Jared and Ivanka escaped Washington, D.C. for a quick trip to Vermont.

And so, following the raid of the home, office and hotel room of Donald Trump’s personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, Jarvanka decides to head for Peru?

It is possible what law enforcement agents find in documents seized from Cohen (e-mails, tax documents, and business records, or from whatever Cohen decides to share with investigators) could be very harmful for Jarvanka.

The Summit of the Americas is a two-day gathering for heads of state from the Western hemisphere that occurs every three years.

Though the summit has ended, no one seems to be sure of the current whereabouts of Jared and Ivanka. Have they decided to extend their stay?

Does anyone know if Peru and the United States have an extradition agreement?

Photo | slate.com

 

 

 

Paul Ryan … Shoo-in For Father Of The Year

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It is a rare thing for a man to give up power at the height of his career. Yet Paul Ryan, Speaker of the House, has done just that.

Yesterday, the 10-term congressman from Wisconsin called it quits. He will not be seeking reelection this November.

Ryan told a group of reporters he is stepping down from his position as top Republican in the House, one that puts him second in line to the presidency, to spend more time with his kids.

Women have been facing the push-pull of career versus family ever since they entered the work place. Ryan is that exceptional male who has undoubtedly felt that same internal conflict and has decided to put the needs of his family first.

What makes Ryan’s decision so praiseworthy is that he is leaving congress before fulfilling his lifelong dream of completely dismantling the safely net put in place by the New Deal and the Great Society.

Yes, he did get passed his big tax giveaway to millionaires and corporations, but that was always secondary to eliminating Medicare and Social Security, as we know them.

Ryan is setting a good example for other powerful men to stop and smell the roses. What good is power and wealth when they come at the expense of raising great, well-adjusted kids? I’m guessing Ryan didn’t want to be a “Trump” in that regard.

Sure, Ryan may look back with regret at all he gave up after checking one too many homework assignments or one too many car pools to soccer practice.

But Ryan must know, like so many women who have sacrificed their careers to be with their children, your kids are only young once. The pride and satisfaction of raising fine upstanding citizens cannot be overstated.

So Elizabeth (16), Charles (15) and Samuel (13), count yourselves among the lucky ones who will now have their dad always around as you wade through those awkward teenage years.

Many are comparing Ryan’s incredible decision to leave politics to that of Little Richard who quit rock & roll at the height of his popularity in the late 50’s, to attend Bible school.

Sir, the country could not be happier with your decision.

Photo | celebritybabies.people.com

 

 

Trump’s Lawyer, Michael Cohen, … No “Legal Eagle”

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In light of the most recent developments surrounding Michael Cohen, this March 10 story is worth the reprint.

Donald Trump likes to boast he surrounds himself with only the best and the brightest. Judging from the revolving door that is his administration, that brag is just another example of the fantasyland Trump’s mind inhabits.

Take Michael Cohen, Trump’s personal lawyer.

Also known as Trump’s “pit bull,” Cohen has demonstrated, on multiple occasions, he will never be confused with Clarence Darrow. The whole Stormy Daniels saga drips with legal incompetence and possible ethics violations.

Many lawyers watching Cohen’s most recent bumbling performance can only shake their heads and laugh. “Where did this guy get his law degree … Trump U? A Cracker Jack box?”

Michael Cohen is a graduate of Thomas M. Cooley Law School, in Michigan. The school was recently ranked the worst law school in the country by Above the Law.

According to Cooley’s ABA required disclosures, only 27.4% of graduates from the class of 2015 obtained full-time, bar-passage-required employment 9 months after graduation. As for academic standards, Cooley recently accepted 85.6% of its applicants, far and away the highest acceptance rate in the country.

Even mob bosses know to look for talent among the better law schools. The infamous Roy Cohn, who, coincidentally, was one of Trump’s early mentors, was a graduate of Columbia Law School.

The combination of dumbness and bravado may get you a job with Trump, but it can also buy you major ethical and legal problems, potentially meriting disbarment and prosecution for crimes.

Paying a porn star “hush money” out of his own pocket to silence her about her alleged affair with Donald Trump, Cohen may have broken several laws and ethical rules.

But a far greater threat to Cohen is the Mueller Trump-Russia investigation. It has been reported he is a person of interest to the Special Counsel because of his role in the negotiations he undertook during the campaign to help the Trump Organization build a tower in Moscow.

Michael Cohen … not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Yes, he may be a “pit bull” but he is far from the “legal eagle” someone like Trump should be surrounding himself with.

Photo | dailydot.com

 

Mexico Agrees To Pay For Wall If Trump Releases Tax Returns

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

Mexico has agreed to pay for Trump’s much-promised “big, beautiful” border wall. But there is a catch … Trump must first release his tax returns.

The idea is the brainchild of former Mexican president, Vincente Fox.

In a press conference announcing the surprise move on the part of the Mexican government, Fox was asked about his previous statement that Mexico would never pay for a wall.

“That is not correct,” said Fox. “I said Mexico would never pay for the fucken wall.”

“Look,” continued Fox, “this is a win-win situation. If Trump releases his returns, it’s adios amigo. Who knows what he’s hiding? I’m betting he’s on Putin’s payroll and doesn’t pay taxes. Now, if he doesn’t accept our muy generous offer, we know he is full of sh*t and doesn’t really care about the wall.”

But what it Trump does accept Mexico’s offer and releases his returns, wouldn’t that be a great loss of pesos for our southern neighbor?

Fox was ready for the question.

“Yes, it would cost us a lot of money but wouldn’t it be worth it to get that jackass out of office? It would be our gift to the American people and the world. And, by the way, we could build the wall, a pequena wall, muy cheaper than that idiota.”

Donald Trump has not yet responded to Mexico’s offer. A White House spokesperson did say Trump would consider the request once the IRS completes its audit of his tax returns.

Photo | cnn.com

Moronmajority.com is a political satire blog

Evangelicals Don’t Care If Trump Knew Stormy “In The Biblical Sense”

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Evangelicals used to stand for something …“family values” and good old-fashioned “Christian morality.” Nowadays, not so much.

Their full-throttled support of the sexual deviant currently occupying the White House has taken care of all that. If anything, evangelicalism is today more aptly associated with good old-fashioned hypocrisy.

Evangelicals don’t care about Stormy Daniels, or Karen McDougal, or any other woman Donald Trump may have had an extramarital affair with.

Michael Avenatti, Stormy Daniels’ lawyer, recently revealed six other women claiming to have had sex with Donald Trump have contacted him.

Yet none of this seems to bother all those self-proclaimed pious conservative Christians who expressed righteous indignation over the dalliances of another White House inhabitant, one William Jefferson Clinton.

To be fair, some prominent evangelical leaders have admitted they are no longer tied to a specific set of doctrinal beliefs.

Tony Perkins, head of the Family Research Council, has made it clear that American evangelicalism is no longer about doctrine, at least not as much as it is about politics.

Evangelical Christians, said Perkins in an interview with Politico, “were tired of being kicked around by Barack Obama and his leftists. And I think they are finally glad that there’s somebody on the playground that is willing to punch the bully.” Perkins added, “Look, Christianity is not all about being a welcome mat which people can just stomp their feet on.”

The jig is up folks. Evangelicals are all about power and revenge. They do not care who their champion is or what he’s done as long as he can lead them to their earthly Promised Land.

The irony, of course, is that Trump is probably the least religious person you’ll ever find.

Trump is a user of people. He is a user of women. He is a user of the self-pitying religious right who now feel more empowered to push their beliefs and Stone Age agenda on the rest of the country.

“A person’s character is shown through their actions in life NOT where they sit on Sunday” – Navonne Johns

Photo | thehill.com

 

Trump Looking To Add Vincent Gambini To Legal Team

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

Within hours after the resignation of John Dowd as his lead lawyer in the FBI Special Counsel investigation, Donald Trump has asked Vincent LaGuardia Gambini to join his legal team.

Yes, Vincent Gambini is a fictional character played by Joe Pesci in the movie, “My Cousin Vinny.” This does not matter to Trump.

“Aren’t lawyers just frustrated actors?” questioned Trump.

“I need an aggressive lawyer like Vinny who will fight for me like he did for those two New York boys falsely accused of murder at the ‘Sac-O-Suds’,” said the 45th president of the United States. “Yes, I know Joe was just acting a part. What do you think I’m doing?”

“Vinny’s a great lawyer, believe me,” said Trump. “If he can fool Judge Herman Munster, he can more than handle Mueller.”

Asked if Vinny (Pesci) has accepted his offer, Trump said, “ No, not yet. But Gambinis are proud people. They believe in seeing justice done. Nobody, I mean nobody, pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini.”

Photo | women.com

 

Russian Voters Anxiously Await Final Election Results

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

Even though strongman, and former KGB spy, Vladimir Putin, has been declared the overwhelming winner of today’s presidential election, many Russians are still concerned.

No, not of Putin’s victory but of his winning vote count.

The Central Election Commission announced Putin’s victory three minutes after voting “officially” ended. With around 80 percent of the ballots counted, Putin has received approximately 75% of the vote.

Despite reports of ballot-box stuffing and forced voting, it does not appear Putin will match the results of other autocrats who routinely win by incredible margins.

In 2014, North Korea’s state media confirmed Kim Jong-un was the proud recipient of 100% of the country’s vote.

If Putin does not receive at least 90% of the vote, some Russians believe they will have an angry comrade on their hands.

“This would be a big blow to our commandant’s ego after all he did to drive up the vote count,” said one voter who refused to give her name. “Things may not be so good for us if the numbers don’t go up.”

“There could be a cutback in our vodka rations,” said the worried voter.

Asked if she voted for Putin out of her own free will, the voter shook her head. “Nyet, I was offered a free pizza.”

Putin, 65, who has been in power, either as president or prime minister, since 2000 won another six year term.

“He is a strong leader,” said another voter who described himself as an enthusiastic supporter. “He will crush his enemies like a foot on an ant.”

“Look what he’s done to the U.S.,” he added. “Because of our commander’s genius, those ignorant Americans are now stuck with a moron as president. Yes, it cost us many rubles, but it was worth it.”

As of this writing, Putin had not yet received his congratulatory call from Donald Trump.

No doubt Trump will do so as soon as he finishes today’s round of golf.

Photo | standardmedia.co.ke

*moronmajority.com is a satirical blog

 

 

Stormy Daniels Threatened With Physical Harm … Mob Style

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

The Stormy Daniels story has taken a dangerous turn. According to her lawyer, Michael Avenetti, Daniels has started to receive threats of “physical harm” if she spills the beans about her affair with Donald Trump.

At a hastily gathered news conference, Avenetti played a threatening message left on Ms. Daniels’ answering machine.

“Hey, Stormy. Those are two nice knockers you have there. Would be a shame if something were to happen to them” said the caller.

Avenetti immediately contacted the FBI. According to a person familiar with the agency’s investigation, the call has already been successfully traced to its source… the White House!

Asked about this shocking turn of events, Trump called the whole thing “fake news.”

“I know nothing about this,” said Trump. “And who would threaten to harm those two gorgeous knockers.”

It looks as if Trump’s big mouth, and lack of forethought, might have gotten him in a world of trouble once again. According to the FBI source, no one revealed to Trump the actual contents of the recorded message!

A coincidence?

Photo | nydailynews.com

 

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