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“The Creep” Creeps Up On “The Donald”

March 6, 2016 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

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Ted Cruz is on a roll. After impressive wins in Kansas and Maine in yesterday’s “Super Saturday” contests, the most despised politician in Washington DC declared this was “a manifestation of a real shift in momentum.” Even though Trump also won two states, Kentucky and Louisiana, he won those states by margins smaller than Cruz won his states. As a result, Cruz took home more delegates on the night.

While Trump still has a significant lead in the delegate count, 382 to 300, it is possible neither candidate will have the number of delegates needed, 1237, to win the party’s nomination outright.

It remains a toss up as to which of the two candidates, Trump or Cruz, is hated more by the party establishment. Their new favorite son, Marco Rubio, seems to be going nowhere. He is a distant third in the delegate count with 128, followed by Kasich’s dismal 35 delegates.

Political analysts are divided as to which candidate, Trump or Cruz, would be the least electable in a general election, or in other words, which candidate Democrats should be rooting for.

For my money, I am pulling for Senor Rafael Edward Cruz. He is the more radical ideologue of the two. Trump is a chameleon who, after securing his parity’s nomination, could very well track more moderate in his positions (whatever they many be!) thereby gaining support of independents and even some Democrats.

But what would be the most fun for Democrats with a Cruz nomination is the basic issue of his eligibility to seek the presidency. The topic has been pushed to the background for now but it will surely rear its Canadian-head if Republicans pick Cruz as their standard-bearer.

And, just as much fun, would Donald Trump run as a third party candidate?

For Democrats, it still looks as if Clinton will be their nominee… that is, short of a new or worsening-of-an-existing Clinton scandal.

Folks, politics doesn’t get more fun than this (if only the consequences weren’t so scary.)

Photo |brixcms.org

 

Filed Under: politics

Trump Boasts He’s A Big Dick

March 5, 2016 By John DeProspo 4 Comments

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Much like Seinfeld’s George Costanza in the “shrinkage” episode, Donald Trump believes his manhood is being short-changed. If you recall, Jerry’s girlfriend, Rachel, literally caught George with his pants down after he swam in a cold pool. Of course, there was significant “shrinkage.”

George asks Jerry if women know about shrinkage because he’s afraid Rachel will tell his never-having-slept-with girlfriend, Jane, about his frightened turtle.

If Rachel “thinks that’s me she’s under a complete misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me,” laments George.

Of course Rachel shares her observation with Jane who suddenly tells George she must get back to the city and cut short the Hamptons weekend.

“I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be… and more,” says George.

“I’m sure it is,” responds Jane.

“Look, you don’t understand. There was shrinkage,” pleads George.

On national TV, during the last Republican presidential debate, Trump responded to Marco Rubio’s accusation that he has small hands … and you know what they say about men with small hands!

“Look at these hands,” said Trump, hands raised, “are they small hands? And he (Rubio) referred to my hands, if they’re small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee it.”

A group of Rubio supports are demanding that Trump back up his guarantee. They are calling upon RNC chairman, Reince Priebus, to measure Trump’s manhood “so that this whole controversy can be put behind us.”

The issue of penis size has become a hot topic lately with the revelation that Adolf Hitler had a micro-penis. While Trump’s rhetoric has been compared to that of the Fuhrer, he certainly does not want to be seen as Hitler-like in the endowment area.

Don’t be surprised if Trump, in the next few days, releases a medical report from his personal doctor, Harold N. Bornstein, attesting to the large size of his schlong.

Asked whether the RNC chairman will cooperate with the Rubio camp’s demand for verification, a spokesman for Reince Priebus said he would not be touching on this subject.

And so, as with all of his guarantees, we will just have to take Trump at his word.

Update – Following his assertion that he is well-endowed, a new movement has sprung up. This is Yuge! The movement, aptly named after a movement demanding proof of Obama’s US Citizenship, is called the “Girther” movement! People are demanding proof as to whether Trump measures up. A doctor’s note won’t do.

Photo | linkedin.com

 

Filed Under: satire

Trump University – Rah, Rah, Rah … Sis-Boom-Bah!

March 4, 2016 By John DeProspo 4 Comments

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For those too young to remember, years ago the words “college” and “university” meant institutions of higher learning; physical structures with buildings, classrooms and professors. You attended these mostly four years schools in the hopes of acquiring the knowledge necessary for becoming a thinking, responsible member of society.

Today the words have no meaning. What used to be called beauty schools are now “colleges” and auto mechanic schools are called “universities.”

If you Google “cheap college degrees and diplomas,” you will come up with 195,000,000 search results. You’ll find sites offering college degrees in seven days. One website, instantdegrees.com, offers a degree in 24hrs! And the best part? You can get one of these “diplomas” with “No Attendance. No Study or Testing. No Exams.” All you need is life experience… and money.

Donald Trump established Trump University in New York on May 23, 2005. Students were lured into taking a free introductory course, and then signed-up for three-day seminars at a cost of $1,495. They were then encouraged to buy advanced training programs for about $35,000.

When Trump University was founded, the New York State Education Department warned that it was in violation of state law for operating without a license. Trump ignored the warnings until 2010 when the “university” changed its name to the Trump Entrepreneur Initiative.

Three class action lawsuits are currently pending against Trump and his now-defunct school: one in New York and two in California. The billionaire is accused of misleading thousands of “students” who allege that the materials, seminars, and mentoring programs they paid for ultimately provided little-to-no value.

Prosecutors have labeled the educational enterprise, which closed in 2010, “a scam”; a “classic bait-and-switch scheme,” in the words of Eric Schneiderman, New York Attorney General.

On Super Tuesday primary day, Trump got some great news and some not so great news. The good news was that he won a majority of the state primaries. The bad news is that a New York appeals court gave the green light to the civil fraud lawsuit filed against the GOP front-runner and his Trump University.

Trump has sought to dismiss the lawsuits against him as bogus. In true Trumpian fashion, he accused a judge presiding over one of the cases as biased because he is Hispanic.

“I could’ve settled this suit numerous times,” Trump has said. “Could settle it now. But I don’t like settling suits.”

If Trump goes on to do well in the upcoming primaries and secures enough delegates to be the Republican presidential nominee, look for Trump to settle “these little lawsuits” in a New York minute. After all, he is only being sued for $40 million in New York; pocket change for a multi-billionaire like Trump.

Will these fraud lawsuits against Trump and his university hurt him with his loyal supporters? Fuggetaboutit!

Students who signed up for Trump’s fake university are not completely blameless. Who in his right mind would pay $35,000 to learn Trump’s secrets about real estate investing? Information that some have said is available on Zillow!

Students should have known Trump University was not a real school but a scam. Have you ever heard of a university with no sports team, no team mascot and no cheerleaders?

Photo | money.cnn.com

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therightscoop.com

 

Filed Under: politics

Trump Receives New Endorsement

March 3, 2016 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

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Following his big win in the Nevada caucus, Trump thanked his many supporters. He made it a point to highlight how broad-based his support is.

“We won with young. We won with old,” said Trump. “ We won with highly educated. We won with poorly educated. I love the poorly educated. We’re the smartest people; we’re the most loyal people.”

“When Donald Trump said he won with the poorly educated, many people mistakenly assumed he was talking about our group, “ said Horace Brumble, president of The Mentally Challenged of America, Inc. “We wanted to clear this up by formally coming out with our own endorsement.”

“Our group is not made up of the poorly educated,” said Brumble, “We are instead a coalition of clinically diagnosed morons, imbeciles, dimwits, idiots and ignoramuses.”

“We strongly believe in Donald Trump and our members vote wherever they are legally allowed to,” Brumble said. “We believe Donald Trump will fight for our right to vote in every state of the Union. Right now we are just another discriminated against minority.”

The MCA endorsement comes on the heals of the controversial endorsement of David Duke, a white nationalist and former Klu Klux Klan grand wizard, who said voting for anyone besides Donald Trump “is really treason to your heritage.”

Many in the media criticized Trump for not renouncing Duke’s endorsement.

“Look,” said Trump, “we are a big tent movement. We welcome one and all. As Republicans we need to grow the party. And to be perfectly honest with you, I do not know David Duke or what he stands for. I can’t help it if someone wants to support me.”

“Of all the candidates in the race, we believe Trump understands us best,” Brumble went on to say.” We know we’re not smart. But we know what love is. And our members just love Mr. Trump.”

It is hard to imagine Trump not winning his party’s nomination with such a wide and disparate group of supporters.

Photo | telegraph.co.uk

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: satire

For GOP, It’s Time To “Turn Out The Lights”

March 2, 2016 By John DeProspo 12 Comments

Frame grab of Howard Cosell and Don Meredith (right) on ABC's Monday Night Football. Monday December 26, 2005 is the final ABC Monday Night Football game between the New York Jets and the New England Patriots. Monday Night Football moves to ESPN next year. photo via ABC

In the early days of Monday Night Football, former football star and color commentator, Don Meredith, was known for singing “Turn out the lights, the party’s over” (a line from a Willie Nelson song) when a game was seemingly out of hand… otherwise known as “garbage time.”

It’s garbage time for the GOP.

With Trump’s big wins throughout the South and Northeast in yesterday’s Super Tuesday primaries, one could almost hear “Dandy Don” breakout into song in that big announcer’s booth in the sky.

“The GOP establishment is apoplectic, but it’s too late,” said Don Sipple, a former GOP strategist turned independent. “If the party acts in an underhanded way to vanquish Trump, they will disenfranchise many voters who have been brought to the party by Trump. They are in deep doo-doo as an institution. They’re powerless right now.”

On the Democratic side, Hillary Clinton also had a big night. She not only won in those deep southern states she was favored to carry, but also took the grand prize of Massachusetts … a state that had appeared to be in Bernie’s grasp.

With 316 delegates, Donald Trump is on track to win the 1237 delegates needed to secure the Republican nomination. But what is even scarier, with a possible match up against Hillary Clinton in the general election, he might also be poised to win the presidency.

Trump has become the Jim Jones of presidential politics; a man who can do no wrong. His followers are fiercely loyal like those of the 1970’s cult leader of the People’s Temple; a leader so powerful  his disciples willingly drank the Kool-Aid which led to their deaths in the Jonestown massacre.

Clinton supporters are not of the same ilk. While she has her share of loyal enthusiasts, there is an almost equal number of Democrats who despise her. For many, it’s “Bernie or Bust.” They would rather sit out the election … or vote for Trump (who they see as “the lesser of two evils”) … than vote for someone they see as a criminal. This goes beyond Clinton fatigue.

Yes, we may be witnessing a perfect political storm that could sweep Donald Trump to the presidency. Polls have continually shown that Bernie Sanders is the Democrat more likely to defeat Trump in a general election But that does not seem to bother the DNC and its chair, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, who have done everything they could to tilt the playing field for Clinton.

“Dandy Don” and Howard, you are so missed. A little levity is desperately needed at this dark hour in American politics.

Photo | ABC Monday Night Football

Filed Under: politics

Are Democrats Underestimating Trump Like The GOP?

February 28, 2016 By John DeProspo 9 Comments

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It is becoming horrifyingly clearer by the day, Donald Trump will be the Republican presidential nominee. Trump is on a roll having won three of the first four Republican primary contests. If Trump has a good showing on Super Tuesday, March 2, and continues to win afterward — even by small margins — he will most likely win the nomination.

About the only way Trump can be stopped is if he wins most of the delegates but not enough to put him over the 1,237 needed to secure the nomination at the GOP convention in July. In such a case, it’s anybody’s guess what might happen then. Could Mitt Romney be trotted out by the Republican establishment as the Party’s savior? How about Paul Ryan?

Republicans find themselves in this predicament because they underestimated Trump’s staying power. Except for the pathetically inept Jeb Bush, few establishment candidates attacked Trump in any aggressive, sustained way early in the race. Now we have Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz going after the front-runner with guns blazing. But it looks like a case of “too little too late.”

Democrats are salivating over the prospect of facing Trump in the general election. The thinking is their likely nominee, Hillary Clinton, will eat his lunch. Unlike Republican primary voters, Americans will come to their senses and elect the more experienced, and tested, Hillary.

Or will they?

Hillary’s negatives among all voters are just slightly below those of Trump. A large group of Democrats, mostly Progressives, have vowed to sit out the election or vote for Trump if Hillary becomes their party’s nominee. Trump voters are an enthusiastic bunch. They’ve had their fill of politics as usual. They want radical change even if that change borders on anarchy.

Hillary does not engender Trump’s passion among today’s anti-establishment voters. A low Democratic turnout due to a deficit of enthusiasm for their candidate could very well lead to a President Trump.

One-on-one match ups between Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders favor Sanders in larger numbers than they do Hillary. Democratic enthusiasm, the kind that brings out voters, is squarely with the Sanders camp.

It’s ironic, the electability argument has nearly always favored Clinton over the democratic socialist Sanders. If Democrats get their wish of a Trump nomination, the electability meme may have to be revisited.

Photo | thetvpage.com

 

 

Filed Under: politics

After Rough Campaign, Jeb! Lands On His Feet

February 24, 2016 By John DeProspo 4 Comments

Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush speaks to a group at a Politics and Pie at the Snow Shoe Club Thursday, April 16, 2015, in Concord, N.H. Bush said Thursday he will make up his mind "in relatively short order" whether to seek the Republican nomination for president in 2016. (AP Photo/Jim Cole)

Jeb Bush is not taking his humiliating defeat for the Republican presidential nomination lying down. He is taking it standing up. Asked what he would do next now that his dream of becoming president of the United States has been crushed, Bush replied… stand up comedy.

“People on the campaign trail seemed to like a lot of the stuff I was saying. They thought it was funny. In fact, after many of my speeches people would routinely come up to me and tell me my candidacy was a joke,” said the former Governor of Florida.” I can’t do what George did, you know, get into painting. I’m not as talented that way.”

When asked if his comedy routine would involve political topics, Jeb replied, “Of course. That’s what I know and love.” Jeb tried out a few jokes he is working on.

“Ted Cruz hurts his arm after falling off his bike. He goes to his doctor and the doctor says he thinks he will need surgery. Cruz says he wants a second opinion. The doctor says, ‘OK, you’re ugly!’ BadaBing!” exclaims Jeb.

“How about this, if Rubio becomes president he might be the first one to ever get proofed at a foreign state dinner. I got a million of ‘em!” said Bush in his best Jimmy Durante.

The plan for Bush is to put together a one-hour routine that he could test out at the many retirement communities in Florida. If he’s successful there, he will take his show on a national tour.

The working title for the tour is, “The ‘Please Clap’ Jeb Bush Tour.”

“Donald Trump’s hotels are so exclusive, Room Service has an unlisted number!” Bush continued. “Ben Carson gave a patient six months to live. The patient said he couldn’t pay. So he gives him another six months.”

Like his big brother, it took public opprobrium for Jeb! to finally find the thing he was most suited for.

If all works out, could a TV comedy series be far behind?

(AP Photo/Jim Cole)

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: satire

Are Unfavorability Numbers … OverRated?

February 23, 2016 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

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Of all the candidates from either party competing for the presidency, which two have the highest unfavorability ratings? You guessed it … at number one, Donald Trump; number two, Hillary Clinton.

In the latest 10 national polls measuring a candidate’s approval ratings, as compiled by Huffington Post, Donald Trump’s disapproval numbers range from 51% to 61%. Hillary Clinton does slightly better with unfavorability numbers from 50% to 58%.

Just for comparison purposes, Bernie Sanders’ unfavorability numbers clock in at 35% to 43%.

How is it possible that the candidates with the highest unfavorability numbers are each their party’s leading candidate to become their party’s presidential nominee? Do favorability/unfavorability numbers matter anymore? Or are they a thing of the past, just like about ever other bit of conventional wisdom that used to apply in politics?

For Democrats, it has gotten so bad that many Bernie Sanders supporters are flat out refusing to support Hillary if she is their party’s nominee. A good number of Progressives are even willing to support the slightly more hated Trump over Clinton.

We are truly swimming in uncharted waters this election cycle. Yes, it is still early in the game, with many more primaries to go until we get to the nominating conventions. But if all goes according to Hoyle, we will have the two most disliked presidential candidates competing against one another. In an ironic twist, the candidates’ negatives would put them on equal footing, as their unfavorability numbers would cancel each other out.

For the GOP establishment, that their leading candidate for its party’s presidential nomination has the highest unfavorability rating of any presidential candidate ever, can be forgiven. They are not backing him but trying to buck him.

For the Democrats, it’s the opposite. The party establishment has done just about all it could to insure the most hated Democratic candidate is their party’s nominee. (see Debbie Wasserman Schultz)

Followers of American politics around the world must be wondering, “is this the best Americans can do?” Is the American political system so broken that it needs a complete overhaul? Perhaps a revolution, as heralded by Sanders?

Photo | salon.com

 

Filed Under: politics

For Jeb, Sweet Liberation … Finally!

February 20, 2016 By John DeProspo 10 Comments

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Watching Jeb Bush announce he was suspending his campaign following his poor showing in the South Carolina primary, I couldn’t help but feel a little tinge of sorrow. Here was a man, a decent man, who but for the vagaries of time, might have been president someday. But it was not meant to be. Fate dealt the more intellectually-curious and circumspect of the political Bush brothers a cruel hand. Jeb’s try at attaining the highest office in the land came after the eight disastrous years of big brother’s presidency.

Jeb’s short, but emotional speech followed an introduction by his good friend, Lindsey Graham. As he worked up the courage to say what needed to be said, one could sense the weight being lifted from his shoulders. Jeb was forceful and to the point. He thanked his supporters for their efforts but admitted it was time to face reality.

“The people from Iowa, South Carolina and New Hampshire have spoken, and I really respect their decision,” said the former Florida governor, in reference to his poor finishes in the three states that have already held their presidential primaries and caucuses.

Jeb offered no regrets for the way he ran his campaign. Often criticized by many for having allowed Donald Trump to label him as “low-energy” and “weak,” Jeb never sank to the level of the Republican front-runner and winner of the South Carolina primary, Trump.

“In this campaign, I have stood my ground. I have refused to bend to the political whims,” Bush said in a somber hotel ballroom in Columbia, S.C. But one could almost sense a different, more defiant, thought running through Jeb’s brain, “If Americans want a buffoon for their commander-in-chief, so be it!” Oh, that liberating feeling when you are able to say, “F**k y’all!”

Might things have turned out differently if Jeb had gotten into the gutter with his nemesis, Trump? Probably not. By making the Bush name toxic, George W. created a mountain not even Sir Edmund Hillary could have conquered. In addition, Jeb just doesn’t have that kind of mean-fighting spirit within him. He is an honorable, genteel man.

It’s a pity. John Ellis Bush is the type of politician who might have done well in the Republican world of the Eisenhower era, i.e. pre-televised campaigns. Jed is not a natural campaigner like big brother George. He’s a stiff; a nerd; a policy wonk. Gaffes just seem to flow from his lips. You kinda know what he is trying to say but he just never seems to quite get the phrasing right.

Exhibit A- In his closing remarks this evening, Jeb, looking at his diminutive wife, Columba, standing beside him, said, “No matter what the future holds, here’s the greatest safety net, if you can imagine … tonight I’m gonna sleep with the best friend I have and the love of my life.”

Jeb, if only you had been so real on the campaign trail.

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Photo | Reuters

 

Filed Under: breaking news

Hookers 4 Hillary Not “Feeling The Bern”

February 18, 2016 By John DeProspo 4 Comments

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Within two days, the all-important Democratic Nevada Caucus will take place. In a contest that has gotten increasingly tight, each presidential candidate is reaching out for support wherever he or she may find it.

Now, a group of sex workers calling themselves, “Hookers 4 Hillary,” are trying to arouse interest in Hillary Clinton’s campaign.

The idea of organizing sex workers to support Clinton actually was the brainchild of brothel owner Dennis Hof. “I want the girls to be part of the political process,” said Hof . “We talk about the candidates, and 490 out of 540 ladies decided to support Hillary.”

Hof owns a number of Nevada brothels, including the Moonlight Bunny Ranch and Kit Kat Guest Ranch near Carson City, the Love Ranch Las Vegas and the Alien Cathouse, a space-themed brothel near Area 51.

“We girls are supporting Hillary because we believe she is the presidential candidate most likely to protect Obamacare from being repealed,” said group member Chesty Mae. ‘You know as sex workers healthcare is very important to us.”

In an effort to boost turnout for Hillary, the prostitutes are offering a 25 percent discount to Nevada local customers willing to caucus for the former secretary of state.

“Hookers 4 Hillary” member Candy Kisses, 29, added another reason why the girls chose to support Hillary, “I think Bill Clinton is hot. I would do him free of charge.”

When Ethel Meese, 89, a Sanders supporter at the Happy Valley Retirement Home heard about the hookers trying to stimulate support for Hillary, she formed her own support group for the 74 year old Vermont senator, “Geriatrics for Bernie.”

“We are not too old to get involved in the political process or make it out to the caucuses. We like what Bernie stands for and he is such a handsome young man,” said Meese.

Photo | hookers4hillary.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: satire

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