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For Jeb, Sweet Liberation … Finally!

February 20, 2016 By John DeProspo 10 Comments

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Watching Jeb Bush announce he was suspending his campaign following his poor showing in the South Carolina primary, I couldn’t help but feel a little tinge of sorrow. Here was a man, a decent man, who but for the vagaries of time, might have been president someday. But it was not meant to be. Fate dealt the more intellectually-curious and circumspect of the political Bush brothers a cruel hand. Jeb’s try at attaining the highest office in the land came after the eight disastrous years of big brother’s presidency.

Jeb’s short, but emotional speech followed an introduction by his good friend, Lindsey Graham. As he worked up the courage to say what needed to be said, one could sense the weight being lifted from his shoulders. Jeb was forceful and to the point. He thanked his supporters for their efforts but admitted it was time to face reality.

“The people from Iowa, South Carolina and New Hampshire have spoken, and I really respect their decision,” said the former Florida governor, in reference to his poor finishes in the three states that have already held their presidential primaries and caucuses.

Jeb offered no regrets for the way he ran his campaign. Often criticized by many for having allowed Donald Trump to label him as “low-energy” and “weak,” Jeb never sank to the level of the Republican front-runner and winner of the South Carolina primary, Trump.

“In this campaign, I have stood my ground. I have refused to bend to the political whims,” Bush said in a somber hotel ballroom in Columbia, S.C. But one could almost sense a different, more defiant, thought running through Jeb’s brain, “If Americans want a buffoon for their commander-in-chief, so be it!” Oh, that liberating feeling when you are able to say, “F**k y’all!”

Might things have turned out differently if Jeb had gotten into the gutter with his nemesis, Trump? Probably not. By making the Bush name toxic, George W. created a mountain not even Sir Edmund Hillary could have conquered. In addition, Jeb just doesn’t have that kind of mean-fighting spirit within him. He is an honorable, genteel man.

It’s a pity. John Ellis Bush is the type of politician who might have done well in the Republican world of the Eisenhower era, i.e. pre-televised campaigns. Jed is not a natural campaigner like big brother George. He’s a stiff; a nerd; a policy wonk. Gaffes just seem to flow from his lips. You kinda know what he is trying to say but he just never seems to quite get the phrasing right.

Exhibit A- In his closing remarks this evening, Jeb, looking at his diminutive wife, Columba, standing beside him, said, “No matter what the future holds, here’s the greatest safety net, if you can imagine … tonight I’m gonna sleep with the best friend I have and the love of my life.”

Jeb, if only you had been so real on the campaign trail.

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Photo | Reuters

 

Filed Under: breaking news

Hookers 4 Hillary Not “Feeling The Bern”

February 18, 2016 By John DeProspo 4 Comments

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Within two days, the all-important Democratic Nevada Caucus will take place. In a contest that has gotten increasingly tight, each presidential candidate is reaching out for support wherever he or she may find it.

Now, a group of sex workers calling themselves, “Hookers 4 Hillary,” are trying to arouse interest in Hillary Clinton’s campaign.

The idea of organizing sex workers to support Clinton actually was the brainchild of brothel owner Dennis Hof. “I want the girls to be part of the political process,” said Hof . “We talk about the candidates, and 490 out of 540 ladies decided to support Hillary.”

Hof owns a number of Nevada brothels, including the Moonlight Bunny Ranch and Kit Kat Guest Ranch near Carson City, the Love Ranch Las Vegas and the Alien Cathouse, a space-themed brothel near Area 51.

“We girls are supporting Hillary because we believe she is the presidential candidate most likely to protect Obamacare from being repealed,” said group member Chesty Mae. ‘You know as sex workers healthcare is very important to us.”

In an effort to boost turnout for Hillary, the prostitutes are offering a 25 percent discount to Nevada local customers willing to caucus for the former secretary of state.

“Hookers 4 Hillary” member Candy Kisses, 29, added another reason why the girls chose to support Hillary, “I think Bill Clinton is hot. I would do him free of charge.”

When Ethel Meese, 89, a Sanders supporter at the Happy Valley Retirement Home heard about the hookers trying to stimulate support for Hillary, she formed her own support group for the 74 year old Vermont senator, “Geriatrics for Bernie.”

“We are not too old to get involved in the political process or make it out to the caucuses. We like what Bernie stands for and he is such a handsome young man,” said Meese.

Photo | hookers4hillary.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: satire

Scalia Names Successor In Will

February 16, 2016 By John DeProspo 6 Comments

chapman.0830 - 08/29/05 - A Supreme Court headed by Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has questions for Chapman University Law School professor John Eastman as he and California Attorney General Bill Lockyer argue the 1905 ''Lochner v. State of New York'' case during a re-enactment Monday afternoon at Chapman University. (Credit: Mark Avery/Orange County Register/ZUMA Press)

Following Justice Antonin Scalia’s unexpected passing, his will has been made public by his personal attorney. The bulk of his estate will be split among his wife, children and grandchildren. A small portion of his sizable fortune, estimated at over $50 million, will go to the NRA.

In an unusual move, the late associate justice provided a directive in his will that in the event of his death while still serving on the Court, he wished to have his seat filled by a well-known, but divisive, public figure: Dick Cheney.

Of course Scalia’s wish has no legal or constitutional bearing on who the next justice will be. The sole responsibility for choosing a Supreme Court justice is squarely left to the president.

When informed of Scalia’s wish, Cheney said, “Antonin Scalia was a great man, a true conservative with a brilliant mind. I am honored he would want me to be his successor on the bench. I certainly would consider such a position if it were made available to me.”

President Obama has been rumored to have a short list of potential nominees. It is very unlikely Cheney made the cut. In fact, when informed of Scalia’s wish, Obama was reported as having said something akin to “when hell freezes over.”

Republicans have stated they will oppose any Obama nominee to fill Scalia’s seat. They have promised to not even consider or vote on Obama’s pick.

“The American people‎ should have a voice in the selection of their next Supreme Court Justice. Therefore, this vacancy should not be filled until we have a new President,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky said in a statement.

The Republican strategy assumes a Republican victory in November.

Ted Cruz and Donald Trump, the two frontrunners for the Republican presidential nomination, were asked if they would consider a Cheney appointment.

“Dick Cheney is a great man, a true conservative with a brilliant mind, “ said Cruz. “I would be honored to offer up his nomination to the bench.”

Donald Trump was not so enthusiastic about Dick Cheney as an associate justice. “Isn’t he the guy who pushed Bush into invading Iraq?” asked Trump. “I would prefer nominating someone outside of politics or even the legal profession. I would give serious thought to my good friend, Bill O’Reilly. Great man and a true conservative with a brilliant mind.”

As a Supreme Court justice, Antonin Scalia must have known he had no constitutional power to pick or even suggest his replacement. Many scholars are attributing Scalia’s unusual request to the fact he had been showing signs of Alzheimer’s for the past 10 years.

Photo |  Mark Avery/Orange County Register/ZUMA Press

warning: If you did not realize it, this article is satire! Of course, followers of this blog know that.

 

 

 

Filed Under: satire

Republicans – Diehard Defenders Of The Constitution

February 15, 2016 By John DeProspo 8 Comments

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Within minutes of Justice Antonin Scalia’s unexpected passing, Republicans implored the president to abdicate his constitutional duty to appoint a new Supreme Court Justice.

“The American people should have a voice in the selection of their next Supreme Court Justice. Therefore, this vacancy should not be filled until we have a new president,” said Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell at a time when other political leaders were releasing statements offering condolences to the Justice’s family.

President Obama, in a demonstration of class and respect, offered praise for the conservative who, more than any other justice, had been a thorn in his side.

“He will no doubt be remembered as one of the most consequential judges and thinkers to serve on the Supreme Court,” said Obama. “Justice Scalia dedicated his life to the cornerstone of our democracy: The rule of law. Tonight, we honor his extraordinary service to our nation and remember one of the towering legal figures of our time.”

But the President was having none of the advice coming from all corners of GOP land.

“Obviously, today is a time to remember Justice Scalia’s legacy,” said Obama. “I plan to fulfill my constitutional responsibilities to nominate a successor in due time. There will be plenty of time for me to do so, and for the Senate to fulfill its responsibility to give that person a fair hearing and a timely vote.”

The untimely death of Justice Scalia has put Republicans between a rock and far-right place. If they follow through on their promise to not even consider the President’s eventual nominee, they will show themselves to be the obstructionists they are and not as defenders of the Constitution. If they acquiesce, they will be seen as spineless by their “take no prisoners” base already angry with the Republican governing class.

Democrats have shown themselves to be a respectful bunch following the passing of Scalia. While the late Justice was perhaps the most loathed figure among liberals, they followed the president’s example by not exalting what many secretly believed to be a stroke of good luck.

No matter what the Republican Senate decides to do, the Democrats are in the catbird seat. All they need to do is have their nominee … whichever one it may be … elected president and the direction of the Supreme Court will be changed for decades … much like when Antonin Scalia was appointed to the Court by Ronald Reagan 30 years ago.

Photo | mashable.com

Filed Under: politics

Bill And Hillary’s Less Than Romantic Valentine’s Day Dinner

February 14, 2016 By John DeProspo 29 Comments

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As is their custom, Bill and Hillary Clinton celebrated Valentine’s Day with an intimate dinner at their favorite Chappaqua Italian restaurant, Old Stone Trattoria. Unknown to them, their conversation was secretly recorded. Below is a transcript of their discussion:

Hillary – “Bill, I’m scared.”

Bill – “Scared of what, baby?”

Hillary – “I’m afraid it’s going to be 2008 all over again. First Barack, now Bernie.”

Bill – “Now don’t worry. Bernie is no Obama. He’s an old man past his presidential expiration date. You’ll bounce back big in South Carolina. Believe me. Heck, Nate Silver has you up 95% to 5%!”

Hillary – “That’s what scares me. Just look at Nevada. I was up on Bernie 50%-27% just a month ago. Now polls show us tied at 45%. If I lose there next week, what’s going to happen in South Carolina?”

Bill – “You are going to win in Nevada … and South Carolina where Bernie has no chance. Do you think South Carolina voters are going to go for an old Jewish socialist? Really Hill!”

Hillary – “You’re probably right but I just have this sick feeling in my stomach. I can’t shake it.”

Bill – “Here, have some of this pinot noir and relax. No matter what happens with Nevada, you’ve got the black vote sewn up in South Carolina. They love you there.”

Hillary – “Bill, why don’t people everywhere love me? Am I just unlikable?”

Bill – “You’re likeable enough.”

Hillary – “There it is! That’s exactly what Barack said during one of our debates! That’s it! I’m losing because people hate me!”

Bill – “You’ve just got to try some of this rigatoni alfredo. The best!”

Hillary – “Are you listening to what I’m saying? I don’t want to taste your goddamn rigatoni alfredo!”

Bill – “Chill baby, chill. It’s going to be just fine. The whole establishment is pulling for you and Debbie has got your back.”

Hillary – “That’s it. That’s what it is. People just out and out hate me! I’m done. I’m through. I can’t take this. Let’s go!”

Bill – “But honey, not before their world-famous cheesecake!”

That is where the conversation ended. Bill did have enough time to ask for a doggy bag for his pasta and a slice of cheesecake to go.

Photo | radaronline.com

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: satire

For Democrats, Will It Be Revolution Or Evolution?

February 12, 2016 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

You say you want a revolution, well you know. We all want to change the world -John Lennon

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The choice for Democrats has come down to this: vote with your head or vote with your heart? Go with the visionary or go with the pragmatist? Demand a revolution or let evolution take it’s course.

Both Clinton and Sanders believe our political system is broken. Each candidate agrees fundamental change is needed. But where Bernie wants to take down the system, Hillary wants to improve it from the inside out. It’s the difference between one small step or a giant leap.

Voters on the right as well as the left consider Washington paralyzed and corrupt. They want big changes, and they want them now.

Clinton is asking the American voter, especially enthusiastic, young Sanders supporters, to grow up and get practical; to think about electability in swing states, not popularity on campus. She is trying to convince them that revolution isn’t in the cards, but that evolution is possible, and that she’s the candidate who can deliver it.

Sanders argues fundamental change can’t happen because of the power of special interests and the corrupt campaign finance system. He implies Clinton cannot change our corrupt system because she is part of the status quo; she is wedded to Wall Street and other special interests that have donated big money to her campaign and super PAC.

Just as there is a split between mainstream conservatives and far right conservatives in the Republican Party, a divide exists between Progressive and moderate Democrats.

Progressive Democrats agree with Hillary that electability needs to be considered but they believe Bernie is the more electable of the two. They point out Clinton’s high negative ratings among the electorate. Polls have shown Clinton to have unfavorability ratings, nationwide, close to 60%. Nobody wins a general election when close to 60 percent of Americans don’t trust the candidate.

At this point in the contest, the odds are still great that Hillary will be the Democratic presidential nominee. The only thing that could stop her is a new scandal.

It was reported recently the State Department inspector general issued a subpoena last fall targeting the Clinton Foundation and some of the charitable events hosted by the organization. The I.G. is looking into whether some of those events required the permission of the federal government. The investigation could expand beyond such a narrow focus. (Clinton Foundation scandal)

With the Clintons, you never know. As a Bernie supporter might say, “Oy vey!”

Photo | usatoday.com

 

Filed Under: politics

Jeb Wins In New Hampshire

February 11, 2016 By John DeProspo 4 Comments

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Only in this year’s bizarro world of Republican presidential politics can a loss be celebrated as a win. First it was Marco Rubio’s third place finish in the Iowa caucus. Now it is Jeb Bush’s fourth place finish in the New Hampshire primary.

Bush donors and fundraisers were practically giddy with Jeb’s showing in New Hampshire, saying their man has finally found his footing in the chaotic contest otherwise known as the Republican presidential race.

The Republican contest now moves on to South Carolina, which holds its primary on February 20.

“He needed to be in the game, and last night, he was able to do so,” said Barry Wynn, a former South Carolina Republican chairman, now Bush fundraiser. In speaking of Donald Trump’s first place finish in New Hampshire, Wynn went on to say, “I don’t think (Trump) sells well in the south.” And even though Trump tops the polls in the Palmetto State, Wynn said, “You may find that South Carolina corrects some of the mistakes of New Hampshire.”

Much like Hillary Clinton views South Carolina as her firewall, which in her case means coming in first, Jeb is also looking to do well in next week’s primary. But what that actually means for the Bush camp is hard to say. Does Jeb need to win? Come in second or third?

Bush may be helped by the departure of Chris Christie and Carly Fiorina from the race. It is unlikely voters who had supported either candidate will now move to Trump. The odds are those supporters will back one of the establishment candidates.

Jeb has a strong organization in South Carolina, which backed his brother George W. in 2000. The former president is still well-liked in the Palmetto State. The Bush camp started airing a radio ad yesterday featuring George W., and Jeb is also relying on the support of the state’s U.S. senator, Lindsey Graham.

In this crazy Republican presidential race, the establishment may still get their man, Jeb, as their party’s nominee. Bush has the money; the organization; and the backing of his beloved brother to actually come in second or third behind Donald Trump in South Carolina … which in Republican-speak would be a resounding victory.

You never know. We might get a Clinton v. Bush contest after all.

Photo | telegraph.co.uk

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: politics

For Hillary, Déjà Vu All Over Again?

February 10, 2016 By John DeProspo 6 Comments

Hillary-Clinton-Bernie-Sanders

In 2008, Hillary Clinton was broadly seen as the overwhelming favorite to win the Democratic nomination for president over a little-known, first-term Illinois senator… and lost. Coming into the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination contest, Hillary was once again labeled the prohibitive favorite over a little-known, self-described septuagenarian socialist from tiny Vermont.

Hillary Clinton lost the New Hampshire primary yesterday to the white-haired, fiery Senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders. But that is not the real news as his victory was widely expected. The deflating fact for Clinton is that she got trounced. Sanders won with 60% of the vote to Clinton’s 38.3% … a difference of 21.7%!

The Clinton camp had hoped to keep Sanders’ margin of victory in the high single to low double-digit range. Instead, she got beaten by a margin very few pundits had predicted. The Democrat voters of New Hampshire were feeling the Bern.

What has to be most alarming for Clinton, she lost to Sanders in almost every demographic group. Clinton’s only win was among people with incomes above $200,000. Sanders carried majorities of both men and women. He won among those with and without college degrees. He won among gun owners and non-gun owners. He won 83% of the youth vote, virtually identical to the percentage of young people he attracted in Iowa.

The next primary will be held in South Carolina on February 27. The state has been dubbed Clinton’s “firewall.” She is currently leading in the polls by nearly 30% over Sanders. But with a little over two weeks to go and with Bernie’s momentum following his blowout win in New Hampshire, the margins are sure to tighten.

At her concession speech last night, a sullen looking Bill Clinton watched as his wife tried to put a positive spin on a devastating loss. You could almost see the wheels turning … “Damn, not again!”

President Obama won in 2008, despite all the polling and political punditry that labeled him unelectable, primarily because he was able to generate energy and enthusiasm. There is no doubt Hillary Clinton is the most experienced presidential candidate in either party. But she is not able to generate the excitement the 74-year-old Vermont Senator brings to the contest.

While Clinton talks about carrying on the Obama legacy, Sanders is talking about a political revolution. That message seems to be resonating across the board.

Could Bernie Sanders be this year’s Barack Obama? Just look at Bubba’s face.

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Photo | outsidethebeltway.com

 

 

Filed Under: politics

Marco’s Big Day

February 9, 2016 By John DeProspo 6 Comments

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After absorbing much criticism after his last debate performance, Marco Rubio is worried. Following his triumphant third place finish in Iowa, there is a real possibility his march towards becoming the Republican establishment favorite may have stalled.

Of course, the candidate will not publically admit to such concern. When asked if he thought his poor debate performance in last Saturday’s debate would affect the vote, Rubio said, “ I do not believe it will hurt me. And let me just say this, I do not believe it will hurt me.”

Rubio’s debate performance was roundly criticized by the media as being “robotic.” He kept repeating the same canned talking points over and over. Some political pundits dubbed Rubio: “Marco Roboto.”

But a little delving into Rubio’s past reveals he is not an automaton at all. While a boy, Rubio had a favorite Uncle who was completely deaf in one ear. By necessity, he would repeat himself in order to make sure he was heard by Uncle Manuel. His campaign staff claims this is just an old habit hard to break.

It is also helpful to know that Rubio likes things that repeat. His online bio reveals his favorite movie is Groundhog Day. He favorite movie character is Jack Torrance, the Overlook Hotel caretaker in The Shining.

Marco Rubio’s fate is now in the hands of New Hampshire voters. Many analysts are saying a finish less than second place would be the end of Rubio’s hope of becoming his party’s nominee.

Rubio is trying to remain upbeat in spite of his debate debacle. “I do not believe it will hurt me,” said the candidate. Again.

Photo | pinterest.com

 

Filed Under: satire

Robot Rubio Malfunctions

February 6, 2016 By John DeProspo 12 Comments

 

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After an impressive and surprising showing in Iowa, Marco Rubio came into tonight’s Republican presidential debate in Manchester, New Hampshire, with the wind clearly behind him. But with higher visibility (or should I say viability) comes the proverbial bull’s-eye on your back. And Chris Christie was ready for some target practice.

After answering a moderator’s question about his accomplishments, Rubio went into one of his well-received, well-rehearsed attacks on Barack Obama.

“Let’s dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn’t know what he’s doing,” said Rubio. “He knows exactly what he’s doing. Barack Obama is undertaking a systematic effort to change this country, to make America more like the rest of the world.”

Just minutes later, when confronted by Chris Christie over his lack of executive experience and of not having done anything meaningful, Rubio slipped back into the same Obama attack line… verbatim!

Christie, looking directly into the camera, said “You see, everybody … the memorized 25-second speech that is exactly what his advisers gave him.”

Incredibly, Rubio answered Christie’s accusation that he is just reciting well-rehearsed rhetoric … with, well, the same well-rehearsed rhetoric – for the third time!

“There it is!” Christie interjected. “There it is. The memorized 25-second speech. There it is, everybody.” Rubio, to everyone’s amazement, continued on and  incorporated the same Obama attack line into his answer – for the fourth time!

The Rubio-Christie exchanges could best be described as surreal – something, if you will, out of the mind of Rod Sterling and The Twilight Zone.

In just a few minutes, Rubio showed himself to be a candidate adept at reciting prepared talking points… over and over. He also showed he could not think on his feet when attacked. I doubt he was even aware of what he was saying. Robots seldom are.

What a difference a day makes! In Rubio’s case, the five days since the Iowa caucus.

Marco choked under the pressure of expectations. Here was a guy with the ball on the opponent’s ten-yard line, only needing a field goal to win, and he commits three consecutive personal fouls sending him back to his own forty-five.

If Rubio finishes New Hampshire in the top four, it would be a miracle. And, even so, most likely not enough. The damage is done. It appears he just may have punched his one-way ticket to the candidates’ graveyard. Look for Kasich, Christie and even Jeb, to do well in Tuesday’s New Hampshire primary.

Photo | consitutionrising.com

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