With the odds of Donald Trump becoming the Republican Party’s 2016 presidential standard-bearer growing by the day, speculation has centered on whom Trump might choose as his running mate. A top Trump adviser, who chooses to remain anonymous, has revealed Clint Eastwood as the consensus choice among the billionaire’s inner circle.

“Donald was so impressed by the speech Eastwood gave at the 2012 Republican National Convention. He rocked the room! That whole shtick with the chair was absolutely brilliant!” said the adviser.

Eastwood made an unannounced appearance at the 2012 convention, where Mitt Romney was nominated the Party’s presidential hopeful. His speech was mostly an improvised comedy routine where he addressed an empty chair representing President Obama. Eastwood implied that Obama (the chair) had uttered profanities directed both at Romney and himself, saying, “What do you want me to tell Romney? I can’t tell him to do that, he can’t do that to himself.”

While Eastwood’s performance was well received by the convention delegates, many critics thought the speech was “rambling and incoherent.”

Movie critic Roger Ebert, a big Eastwood fan, commented, “Clint, my hero, is coming across as sad and pathetic. He didn’t need to do this to himself. It’s unworthy of him”

When asked why an Eastwood pick makes sense, the adviser said, “Clint is a national hero. He’s tough, tells it like it is, just like Donald, and he has some political experience.” Clint Eastwood served as mayor of Carmel, a village in California of about 3500 residents.

When it was brought out that Eastwood’s tough guy image is just his acting persona; a role he plays, the adviser replied, “Look at Ronald Reagan. He basically played the role of president for eight years and today he is considered a saint. The public isn’t that sophisticated, and frankly, they don’t care. The perception is the reality.”

Judging by how Donald Trump, the TV celebrity, has enthralled all sectors of the Republican base, the adviser may be on to something.

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Now that Kim Davis has spent her first night in a Kentucky county jail for refusing to obey a court order, her three prior husbands, Bobby Joe Klinger, Billy Scruggs, Jr. and Lester Pyle have come to her defense.

“I just want to say we all support our ex-wife,” said Klinger, who is acting as the group’s spokesman. “We still love Kim. Yes, we were all hurt by her but, through the love of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, we have found the strength to forgive her.” It seems Klinger needed the most strength, as Davis fathered twins by her third husband, Pyle, while still married to Bobby Joe.

“Kim has always been a strong woman,” Klinger went on to say. “Her belief in traditional marriage is so strong that she’s been through the holy sacrament four times. Now that shows true dedication and conviction in my book.”

“I know the Lord works in mysterious ways. If not for Kim divorcing us, we never would have ended up as good friends. Billy, Lester and me all bowl on the same team at Happy Valley Lanes. We like to share stories about being married to that amazing woman.”

Klinger announced the launch of a new website created by the trio, supportourex.com. “The purpose of the website is to raise money in support of our ex. While her lawyers are defending her free of charge, she still needs money for incidentals. Plus, as someone who has been in that county jail, I can tell you the food is downright nasty! We want to give Kim the change to order her favorite takeout.”

Her current husband, Orville Davis, is also supporting his wife in her principled stance on the sanctity of traditional marriage.” My wife is being persecuted for standing up for her religious beliefs. She’s prepared to be a martyr for as long as it takes… although I would like her home soon. The trailer is getting a little messy.”

Most of the Republican presidential candidates are defending Mrs. Davis.

The most forceful defense has come from Gov. Mike Huckabee. On Tuesday he said, “I spoke with Kim Davis this morning to offer my prayers and support. I let her know how proud I am of her for not abandoning her religious convictions and standing strong for religious liberty. She is showing more courage and humility than just about any federal office holder in Washington.”

The only two Republican candidates who believe Kim Davis should quit her job or follow the law are Sen. Lindsey Graham and Carly Fiorina. Some political observers have said the two have the luxury of being reasonable and sane, as they have no chance of ever securing the Republican presidential nomination.

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Editor’s note: This article is fictional. The fact is that, while Davis has indeed been married four times, she twice married the same husband… #2 is now #4. Got it?

It’s time for a reality check. While Donald Trump, so far, is dominating the polls and media coverage, it is way too early in the race to pronounce him a winner. Now that the election season is starting to get serious, expect some disquieting facts to surface about Mr. Trump. People in the know are saying once these facts come out, Trump’s chances of becoming President, let alone the Republican presidential nominee, are what Jay Z might label “slimmer than that chick in Calvin Klein pants.”

Here are the top 10 reasons why there will never be a President Trump:

1. Secret sex tape with Justin Bieber made public
2. That thing on is head is the pelt of an endangered species
3. Al Sharpton was Trump’s best man at his first wedding
4. He hooked up with Hillary while at Wharton
5. He cheats at golf
6. He fathered out of wedlock Mexican twins, Julian and Joaquin
7. He fixed the 1970 Miss Universe pageant in favor of Miss Puerto Rico
8. He is a closeted Deadhead
9. He palled around with the Dalai Lama
10. There just aren’t enough morons

Yes, I know, Trump has been called the “Teflon Donald” (see Trump’s Secret Weapon Revealed) by many savvy pundits; yes, there are some serious allegations about to be slung; and yes, his loyal followers will forgive and dismiss almost anything their savior says or does. But I can say with confidence, as someone who plays the game, even his most diehard supporters will never forgive him for cheating at golf!

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Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

In an effort to get down to the bottom of a swirling controversy (Trump’s hair), I was able to track down and interview Donald Trump’s hair stylist, Angelina Scapaticci, at her Fifth Avenue salon.

“Ms. Scapaticci,” I asked, “how long have you been cutting Mr. Trump’s hair?”

“Oh, I no cut Signore Trump’s hair, I style the hair,” answered the lovely 30 year old hairdresser. “My pappa Enzo cuts the hair. I just do the blow. How you say, giva the hair personality.”

“But you can confirm the hair is real, right?” I asked.

“Oh, yessa, the hair is real. It’s very nica en soft. I pulla very hard with the comb en nothing come off,” replied Ms. Scapaticci.

Realizing she was not the best candidate to confirm Trump’s hair was a living, breathing thing, I asked if I could speak with her father, Enzo.

“Oh, no. Pappa no here. He only have one cliente, Signore Trump. He make appuntamento.” answered Ms. Scapaticci.

“Your father only has Mr. Trump as a customer?” I asked.

“Oh yessa, Signore Trump is a very good tipper,” replied Scapaticci.

“But you’ve seen your father cut his hair, is that correct?” I pressed.

“Oh, no. They usa the backroom. Itsa part of the contratto,” Ms. Scappaticci informed me.

“Contract?” I asked.

“Oh yessa. My father cannot cutta no one else hair and he cant’ talk about Mr. Trump to nobody. How you say, itsa part of a non-disclosure agreamenta,” revealed the stylist.

“So I can’t talk to your father?” I asked.

“Oh no, impossibile!” replied Scapaticci.

“Ms. Scapaticci, I can’t help but notice your accent. Where are you from, Italy?” I inquired.

“Oh yessa, my father and me come from Italia 10 years ago on a visita. We never go back. How you say, we illegal immigrante.” admitted the stylist.

“Does Mr. Trump know your immigration status?” I asked.

“Oh yessa. He help me and my pappa get all the right paper to work here in the shoppa,” answered Scapaticci. “Such a nica man!”

Well, I learned two things; Trump can be selective in who he wants to deport and , according to Scapaticci,  Donald Trump’s hair is real … but whose real hair it is may never be known.

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Image courtesy of marin at FreeDigitalPhotos.net