John DeProspo

Obama Offers Texas Back to Mexico

May 5, 2015 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

In a series of stunning executive actions, President Obama has instructed Secretary of State John Kerry to send a communiqué to Mexico’s president, Enrique Pena Nieto, offering the State of Texas back to Mexico. What set Obama off was the latest dis to the Federal government by Texas Governor, Greg Abbott. Abbott ordered up the Texas State Guard to monitor U.S. military training exercises within his state. “We are not buying the training exercise pretext. The federal government is out to stage a military takeover of our great state,” declared Abbott.

Word of Obama’s latest executive action quickly made it’s way through Congress. Ted Cruz, U.S. Senator from Texas, and a potential 2016 presidential hopeful, was outraged. “The United States fought hard to steal Texas from Mexico and now we are giving it back?” Cruz went on to call Obama’s action another clear abuse of executive power.

Some other politicians raised the issue of the United States now only having 49 states. “Now what are we going to do with all those flags with 50 stars?” reasoned Texas U.S. Rep. Louie Gohmert. U.S. Senator Chuck Schumer offered up the obvious solution. “We can make Israel our 50^th state!” Schumer added, “After all the money we’ve given the Israelis over the years, we own them.”

The idea of making Israel the new 50^th state did not sit well with the Congressional Latino Caucus. “If any country should be our next state it is Puerto Rico! It’s been waiting its turn for a long time now. Plus it has better beaches,” observed Congressman Jose E. Serrano.

Some liberal politicians thought the best solution would be to just let Texas secede from the union as it has been threatening to do since 1845. “Let’s finally call their bluff,” said Senator Bernie Sanders. “They’ve been sucking on the Federal teet too long!” he went on to say.

But before the idea of adding a new 50^th state to the union gained traction, Secretary of State Kerry, in late breaking news, informed President Obama he had heard back from Mexico’s president. “Sir,” said Kerry to the President. “I just got back this two word text from Pena Nieto.” The message read “No, gracias :)”

Pope Francis Makes Stunning Announcement

May 2, 2015 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

Pope Francis just continues to amaze. First it was atheists could still go to heaven; then gays deserved love and respect; then his belief in evolution; and most recently, climate change is real and caused by humans. But the biggest shocker of them all came yesterday at a Vatican press conference. Pope Francis announced he is throwing his hat, well, Papal Tiara, into the ring for President of the United States in 2016! The news quickly spread like wildfire causing every declared, and undeclared, presidential hopeful to go into panic mode. Hillary Clinton, trying to put on a brave face, told reporters she welcomed the Holy Father into the race. “Should make for some Spirited debate” she went on to say.

Rand Paul was having none of it. His remarks about the Vicar of Christ entering the race were not so kind. “I just don’t know if it is constitutional for the Pope to run. After all he was not born in this country.” But the Pope’s newly-anointed campaign manager, Father Bruno Sarducci, revealed a fact very few know. “Yes, His Holiness was born in Argentina but his mother was born in Cleveland, Ohio. As such, he would be eligible to run. If a Cuban Canadian can run so can an Argentinean American.”

When he heard the news that the Bishop of Rome had declared his candidacy, Donald Trump immediately asked for an investigation into the Pope’s birth certificate. “With all due respect, like Saint Reagan used to say… trust but verify.”

Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush had a different take on the Pope’s candidacy. “I think I heard the Pontiff plans to run as a third party candidate. Third party candidates rarely win elections in our country. I like my chances.”

When Father Bruno Sarducci was asked to confirm His Holiness would be running as a third party candidate, he answered, “Yes, it is true. Our Holy Father will run as a candidate for the Compassionate Conservative Party… the CCP, as we like to call it around the V.” The thinking is that since the moniker worked so well for the last self-identified compassionate conservative, you’ve got to like the chances of the real thing.

One immediate effect of the Pope’s announcement has been that any Democrat who had thoughts of entering the race, has suddenly thought twice. “ I might have had a chance in the primary against a woman who wears pantsuits,” said Martin O’Malley, “but there is no way in hell I could ever match the appeal of a man in a long white dress. No thank you, I’m staying out.”

Much of the news media has accepted Pope Francis’ announcement with great joy. Fox News, however, has found itself in a bind. Is the Pope a true conservative? Is he a liberal? Is he too compassionate? But one thing is clear, other than Rick Santorum, you will not find a more religious candidate. As Bill O’Reilly observed, “Many conservative candidates claim to talk to God on a regular basis, but give me a break. We’re talking about the Pope here, for Christ’s sake!”

Senator Destroys Global Warming With Snowball

April 30, 2015 By John DeProspo Leave a Comment

Recently, James Inhofe of Oklahoma, Chairman of the Senate Environment Committee, was once and for all able to dispel the myth of global warning with a simple flick of the wrist… a snowball! “I ask the chair, you know what this is? It’s a snowball, just from outside here. So it’s very, very cold out. Very unseasonal. Mr. President, catch this.” The snowball struck Republican Sen. Bill Cassidy of Louisiana, who was presiding over the Senate at the time, right in the kisser. Fortunately, the Senate nurse was nearby to supply some ice to the senator’s swollen lip.

After Senator’s Inhofe seemingly conclusive rebuke to all those climate-change fearmongers, a reporter caught up with Inhofe and asked, “But, Sir, scientists have just proclaimed 2014 as the hottest year on record?” Inhofe laughed and shook his head. “Scientists are like statistics. You can get them to say anything.” The reporter countered, “But, Sir, 97% of all climate scientists believe in global warming.” “You go ask those folks on the East Coast, especially in Boston, if they believe in global warming. Heck they were hit with a record amount of snow this year. I hear they’re still digging out! Look I’m no scientist, just Chairman of the Senate Environment Committee, but from what I see, it’s damn cold out!”

Rumors later spread across the floor of the Senate that Inhofe was going to bring his lucky four-leaf clover to his next senate hearing to prove once and for all leprechauns exist.

Obama Announces Plans After White House

April 26, 2015 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

Following the rave reviews for his standup routine at the White House correspondent’s dinner last night, President Obama has revealed his plans after leaving the White House. He will go into comedy full-time. “I’ve always wanted to do standup comedy growing up. My all-time favorite comedian was Henny Youngman … take my wife, Michelle…. please!” You may not believe this but I just loved all those Borscht Belt comics… Jacky Mason, Freddy Roman, Shecky Greene. Did you hear the one about the rabbi and the shiksa entering a Jewish deli?”

When asked if such a career move would lessen or demean the stature of the presidency, Obama replied, “There are a whole lot of people out there who think I degraded the presidency just by being elected!” But, I asked, “Why not follow in the footsteps of some of our past presidents, like Reagan and Clinton, and give $250,000 speeches to multinational companies and organizations?” Obama shook his head, “Nah, I’m more in the mold of our last president, George Bush. Man if I could paint like that guy, I’d be golden!”

When I pressed Obama on how he could possibly support his family on a comedian’s salary, he replied, “Heck, I’ve got Michelle. She’ll do OK. She will be the ex-first lady, after all. I hear an ex-first lady, and I won’t name names, gave two speeches at $200,00 a pop to Goldman Sachs.”

Obama told me the standup comedy would just be a springboard to his real secret ambition, to have his own sitcom. “Like Jerry Seinfeld?” I asked. “No more like George Lopez. Man that guy is funny!” Obama even shared with me some possible names for his sitcom. “I’m leaning towards “Barry in da House” but I’ve also given some thought to “Some People Like Barack.”

As I wished him well, he asked me if I ever heard the one about the Pope, the midget and the rabbi in a lifeboat with Raquel Welch. “I got a million of ‘em” said the President.

GOP Passes Huge Tax Benefit For Millionaires and Billionaires

April 24, 2015 By John DeProspo Leave a Comment

Something weird has been happening the past few months. High-ranking republicans have been beating the drums about the staggering increase in income inequality. They’ve complained about how the wealthy have benefited most from the recent economic recovery. So last week, House Republicans decided enough was enough. They overwhelming voted to repeal the estate tax!

When asked how this legislation squared with their newly found concern for the little guy, House Speaker John Boner said, with a straight face, “This legislation is meant to help the little guy, you know, the family farmer whose estate will have to sell the farm to pay the death tax.” When it was brought up that, under the current tax code, only estates worth over $5.43 million (individual) and $10.86 million (married couple) owe the tax, Boner replied, “Farmers are doing well these days. Have you seen the price of cauliflower?” Asked whether it was fair when this repeal amounted to a $269 billion tax give away to the super rich, Boner quickly snapped, “Of course repeal of the death tax is fair. We are all going to die, aren’t we? It doesn’t just affect the wealthy. It fairly affects everyone.” But Mr. Boner, I asked, statistics show that 99.8 percent of households do not pay any estate tax whatsoever, Boner became testy, “ Don’t try to use statistics to defend the government taking money from hard working Americans!”

I had a chance to interview one of those hard working American farmers, Earl Bob Hogwood. I asked Mr. Hogwood if he supported the legislation. “Heck yea, we don’t need no gubment taking more and more of our money.” When I asked Mr. Daniels the current value of his farm, he told me he thought the value was anywhere between $35,000 to $50,000, depending on whether or not the well runs dry. When I explained the odds of his estate having to pay any estate tax was zero, he replied, “I know the law only affects rich folk, but ain’t they the job creators? And anywho, once the gubment starts taking rich folk money, how long before they come after our guns and bibles.” On that note, the interview ended.

The New American Majority

April 22, 2015 By John DeProspo 7 Comments

A serious disease has infected our country. No one really talks about it much although signs of this contagion have existed for quite some time. Like a slow growing cancer, the symptoms have gotten progressively worse to the point where they are no longer avoidable; they cannot be denied. The problem we now face is that this cancer has metastasized to an extent where a cure, or even treatment, is very doubtful.

Our media, politicians and business elites have known about this disease for years. They have not only stood by as the disease spread, but have encouraged – and profited from- its propagation. Like a seemingly caring doctor wanting to spare the patient needless pain, the prognosis offered is that all is fine and there’s nothing to worry about.

What is this sickness I am talking about? In one word… stupidity.

We, as a country, once had the “silent majority.” Then came the “moral majority.” Today we have been transformed into a new majority… one I like to call the “moron majority.”

Is there any doubt we’ve become a nation of morons? Just look around you the signs (symptoms) are as clear as could be. The late night infomercial claiming that drinking a milk shake will make you lose 30 pounds in only two weeks… no exercise needed! The drug company claiming your itchy skin can be a thing of the past if you only take their pill… and, oh yes, the side effects can be vomiting, diarrhea, hearing loss, and, in rare instances, death! Yes, death! But not to worry… just ask your doctor if Itchamedaphine is right for you!

But there is no greater proof that we’ve become a nation of morons than by simply looking at some of our elected political “leaders.” Yes there have always been plenty of buffoons, scoundrels and hucksters in our body politic but the sheer number of such blockheads at the top of today’s political ladder is astounding! Just look at some of the 2016 Republican presidential hopefuls … Ted Cruz, Rick Perry, Bobby Jindal, Rick Santorum, Carly Fiorina, Scott Walker, “The Donald!” Could the clown car get any more crowded?

The dumbing down of America has been a slow, gradual process. The first sign that it had reached critical mass became evident during the Bush v. Gore presidential election. A race that should have been an easy victory for Gore (could you have picked a more intellectual lightweight than GWB?) became a defeat (well, sort of!)

The pivotal moment of that election was the first debate. As Bush answered questions in less than a clear and intelligible manner, the camera kept focusing on Gore and his facial expressions. Gore was caught rolling his eyes, shaking his head, frowning and sneering. He was deemed the clear loser of the debate not on the content of what he said but on his body language! Gore came off as the intellectual snob who only has condescension for the less gifted competitor. A veritable Mr. Goody two-shoes. Certainly not the type of guy you’d want to have a drink with! Now Georgie… there’s a guy who can relate to the common folk! Gore tried to change his style in later debates but it was too late. The mold was set right then and there.

Only a nation of morons could elect a dim-witted, draft-dodging, hard drinking frat boy with his “gentlemen’s C” average at Yale over a Harvard graduate (cum laude), Viet Nam War veteran and Vanderbilt Law School graduate. And while there are those who still think Bush stole the election thanks to his brother’s help in Florida, with a big assist from the Supremes, it should never have gotten to that point. As GWB famously said, “Fool me once, shame on… shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.” Oh yeah, enough voters got fooled again by reelecting you, sir.