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The GOP Is Stuck With Two Losers

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The Republican Party wrapped up its national convention on a high note. But just a few days later, it looks like Republicans shot themselves in the foot … twice. With Donald Trump and J.D. Vance leading the charge, the party’s chances are looking shakier by the day. And just when they thought they had everything figured out, Joe Biden pulls a fast one by bowing out, leaving Kamala Harris as the Democrats’ surprise nominee. Talk about a Shakespearean plot twist!

Bringing Trump back into the spotlight is like inviting a bull into a china shop and hoping for a happy ending. Sure, he’s got his die-hard fans, but that won’t be enough to get him back into office. That little kerfuffle otherwise known as the Capitol riot isn’t exactly the kind of highlight reel you want when courting moderate voters. And those indictments and convictions!

Then there’s J.D. Vance, the GOP’s great populist hope. But here’s the kicker: Vance is as green as they come, with a political résumé that’s thinner than a paper napkin. His appeal to the Trump base is clear, but can he actually run a national campaign? Can he bring in new voters to the cause? Those are the big questions, and betting on an untested rookie shows just how short-sighted the Republicans can be.

By going with Trump and Vance, it looks like the Republicans are now stuck with two losers.

Incredibly, the Republicans seem to have been blindsided by Biden’s exit and Harris’s rise. Now who would have thunk it? Well, anyone with half a brain! At least you plan for such a possibility.

Kamala Harris, with her broad appeal and seasoned political chops, has rallied the Democrats in a way the GOP didn’t see coming. She’s energizing key voter groups that the Republicans need to win. By ignoring the possibility of a Harris candidacy, the GOP is now scrambling like a chicken with its head chopped off!

In the end, the Republicans have set themselves up for a tough ride. They’re sticking with Trump’s divisive charm and rolling the dice on Vance’s rookie status, all while being caught off guard by Kamala Harris. It looks like the GOP’s arrogance, and incompetence, are the best things Democrats have going for them.

Please, Someone, For The Love Of God, Take Away Grandpa’s Car Keys

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We know Poppy, you have always been a good driver, a safe driver. But now that you’ve reached your golden years, your reflexes aren’t what they used to be, your eyesight and hearing aren’t what they used to be. Driving now can be dangerous, not just for you but for other people on the road.

We care about you and want you to be safe, so please hand over the keys. You know we are more than happy to drive you anywhere you want to go so you’ll never be stuck in the house. So please, the keys. 

After Debate Debacle, Biden Fires White House Physician

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

It didn’t take long. Following his feeble and weak debate performance, Joe Biden has ousted his personal White House physician.

“The performance-enhancing drugs didn’t work!” screamed an angry Biden.

Reached for comment, Dr. Kevin O’Connor took full responsibility for Biden’s unmedicated disaster. Instead of giving him an orange flavored THC gummy, he instead accidently gave Biden a Flintstones chewable vitamin.

There is now talk of offering the job of White House physician to Donald Trump’s former doctor, Ronny Jackson.

Will Nikki Haley Endorse Trump?

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If I read one more headline about Nikki Haley exiting the Republican presidential race without endorsing Donald Trump I am going to barf. We all know how this is going to end. Like the good mob boss that he is, Trump will invite Haley to his Mar-a-Lago lair and make her an offer she can’t refuse. It could be a cushy ambassadorship or a place in his Cabinet … or whatever the hell Lola wants.

A friend just texted me that she will never endorse Trump because he insulted her intelligence by calling her “Birdbrain.” I had to laugh!  Just look at some of the degrading names Trump has used on his fellow “Republicans” over the years. And yet, almost to a man (or woman), they all kneeled before the mighty Don to kiss his ring. Just take Kentucky Mitch, who Trump called an “Old Crow.” Today he came out to endorse Trump for president.  

Haley endorsing Trump is not a matter of “if” but “when.” Like all the other pathetic “Republicans,” it’s party over country for Nikki. It is personal ambition over the good of the nation. 

Nikki Haley is a seasoned politician with aspirations for higher office.  She’s a pragmatist who understands the importance of maintaining support within the Republican party, especially with the MAGA base. Not endorsing Trump would be political suicide.

Then there is the fear factor that goes along with not endorsing Trump (or, God forbid, endorsing Biden!).

How do you think the Trump cultists would deal with that! Not a pretty scenario.

I’m expecting Nikki to fully endorse Trump for president … this weekend!

Is Mike Pence Delusional?

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There are many things in the universe I don’t understand, and for me, Mike Pence’s presidential hopes are right up there with quantum physics and the mysteries of the Bermuda Triangle.

I mean, this is the same Mike Pence who came within a hair’s breadth of being hanged by the MAGA mob on January 6th.  This is the same guy many Republicans think is a traitor for refusing to overturn the 2020 election results.

Now, look, I’m not one to judge a person’s ambitions, but Pence’s presidential aspirations are about as plausible as finding Bigfoot riding a unicorn. It’s almost as if he’s living in an alternate universe where the events of the past few years never happened.

But let’s give Pence the benefit of the doubt and try to understand why he thinks Republicans will rally behind him. Maybe it’s his charisma that captivated the nation during his time as vice president. Oh wait, I forgot. Pence’s charisma level hovers somewhere between a beige suit and a cardboard cutout of Mitt Romney.

Or perhaps it’s his exceptional track record as a political leader that sets him apart? Just think of all the incredible accomplishments Pence brought us as Trump’s number-two  man? OK, I’m waiting …. The truth is he was a total non-factor unless you consider kissing his boss’s ass for four years a great achievement!

I’m of the opinion Pence is running for president simply because God told him to (fact is, he has actually admitted to such). And being the good Christian that he is, the man is just going along with God’s plan …  you know, carrying out His will. He probably believes God spared him from the gallows on January 6 because he has a higher calling for him… 47th President of the United States!

Unfortunately, the few sane people around Pence are much too kind to let the pious Republican know that when it comes to being his party’s nominee for president, he doesn’t have a prayer.

Photo | hips.hearstapps.com

Chuck Grassley Calls For Dianne Feinstein’s Retirement

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reprint from moronmajority.com

In a shocking turn of events, Senator Chuck Grassley is calling for the retirement of his colleague, Senator Dianne Feinstein. The two senators, both aged 89, have been serving in the Senate for decades, but Grassley seems to think that Feinstein’s time has come to an end.

“It’s time for Dianne to retire,” Grassley reportedly said in a recent interview. “We’re both 89, but I’m three months younger. I think I’ve still got some good years left in me, but Dianne, well, let’s just say she’s not as spry as she used to be.”

Feinstein, the senior Senator from California has spent nearly three months away from the Capital, including a stint in the hospital before returning home to San Francisco to recover.

When asked why he is calling for the retirement of a person about the same age as himself, Grassley responded, “I am here. She is not. And heck, I did 50 pushups this morning before coming to work.”

The call for Feinstein’s retirement has generated a good amount of backlash, with some wondering if Grassley is playing with a full deck. But others have speculated the senior Senator from Iowa is jealous since Feinstein is currently the oldest sitting U.S. senator. They believe Grassley wants the title.

At this point, it does not appear Feinstein (or Grassley for that matter) will be leaving her job anytime soon. 

The answer, perhaps, as to why both senior senators continue to serve in the Senate can be found simply by looking at the portrait each has hanging in their offices… it’s of Strom Thurmond, the oldest senator to have served … at age 100 and 29 days!

Photo | washingtontimes/AP/Andrew Harnik

moronmajority.com is a satire political blog

How Joe Can Use Age To His Benefit

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Let’s face it, Joe Biden has an age issue. He already has the distinction of being the oldest person ever elected president at age 77. If he were to win reelection, he would be 81 years old on election day, turning 82 just weeks later, on November 20.

But Old Joe can actually use his advanced years to his benefit if he simply employs some smarts, just as Ronald Reagan did when his age was being used against him.

Here are just a few examples of how Joe can tout his longevity, on the campaign trail, as it has allowed him to be present for some of the most important moments in American history:

When talking about being a proud American

Biden could say, even though he was very young, he recalls standing outside Independence Hall, straining to hear the voices of the Founding Fathers as they put pen to paper. He can talk about how he felt a swell of patriotic pride as he watched them declare our independence from Great Britain. 

When talking about his strength and vigor

Biden can tell voters about the time he helped row Washington across the icy Delaware River, braving the elements and the British soldiers. He can describe how tired he was, how his hands were numb from the cold, but his heart was warmed by the bravery of our founding father.

When talking about how he got interested in politics

Biden could describe how he snuck into one of the Lincoln-Douglas debates, hiding behind a stack of hay bales as he listened to the two men go back and forth. He could talk about how impressed he was with Lincoln’s eloquence and his commitment to preserving the Union. Yes, that’s when young Joe knew a political career was for him!

Mr. President, you’re a walking, talking book on American history! Use your age, and vast experiences, to your advantage.

And hey, a little exaggeration can’t hurt. It worked for George Santos!

Photo | cnbc.com/api

Tucker Carlson Leaves Fox For Higher Calling

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

After years of being a prominent figure in the conservative media world, Tucker Carlson has made the shocking announcement that he will be leaving Fox News to pursue a new calling: the ministry.

Sources close to Carlson suggest that he is deeply troubled by the role he played in spreading fear, lies, conspiracy theories and disinformation during his time on television. He believes that he has a responsibility to atone for his sins and to help undo the harm he’s caused. 

“He’s been struggling with this for a while,” said a source who spoke on condition of anonymity. “He’s been talking to pastors and other religious leaders, trying to find a way to make things right.”

According to those same sources, Carlson’s decision to leave Fox News was motivated by his fear of going to hell.

“He’s always been a deeply religious person,” the source said. “But he’s been feeling more and more guilty about what he’s done. He’s worried that he’s going to spend eternity paying for the division he’s caused in our country.”

While some may be skeptical of Carlson’s sudden conversion, those who know him best say that he is sincere in his desire to repent and make amends.

“He’s a man of conviction,” said one friend. “He’s always been passionate about what he believes, and now he’s applying that passion to his faith.”

As for Fox News, the network is reportedly in a state of shock over Carlson’s sudden departure. After all, “Tucker Carlson Tonight” was the highest-rated cable news show for years. Fox has already started conducting a nationwide search to find a new host who is willing to take on the responsibility of spreading hate and lies to the American public.

“Whoever replaces Tucker is going to have some big shoes to fill,” said one Fox executive. “We need someone who can lie with conviction and fear-monger with the best of them.”

A replacement, however, might not be so difficult for Fox News to find. There are plenty of unscrupulous “newsmen” out there who have no fear of eternal damnation and would gladly sell their souls for some mega bucks.

As for Friar Tucker, our thoughts and prayers are with you, man!

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