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Mexico Agrees To Pay For Wall If Trump Releases Tax Returns

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

Mexico has agreed to pay for Trump’s much-promised “big, beautiful” border wall. But there is a catch … Trump must first release his tax returns.

The idea is the brainchild of former Mexican president, Vincente Fox.

In a press conference announcing the surprise move on the part of the Mexican government, Fox was asked about his previous statement that Mexico would never pay for a wall.

“That is not correct,” said Fox. “I said Mexico would never pay for the fucken wall.”

“Look,” continued Fox, “this is a win-win situation. If Trump releases his returns, it’s adios amigo. Who knows what he’s hiding? I’m betting he’s on Putin’s payroll and doesn’t pay taxes. Now, if he doesn’t accept our muy generous offer, we know he is full of sh*t and doesn’t really care about the wall.”

But what it Trump does accept Mexico’s offer and releases his returns, wouldn’t that be a great loss of pesos for our southern neighbor?

Fox was ready for the question.

“Yes, it would cost us a lot of money but wouldn’t it be worth it to get that jackass out of office? It would be our gift to the American people and the world. And, by the way, we could build the wall, a pequena wall, muy cheaper than that idiota.”

Donald Trump has not yet responded to Mexico’s offer. A White House spokesperson did say Trump would consider the request once the IRS completes its audit of his tax returns.

Photo | cnn.com

Moronmajority.com is a political satire blog

Trump Looking To Add Vincent Gambini To Legal Team

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

Within hours after the resignation of John Dowd as his lead lawyer in the FBI Special Counsel investigation, Donald Trump has asked Vincent LaGuardia Gambini to join his legal team.

Yes, Vincent Gambini is a fictional character played by Joe Pesci in the movie, “My Cousin Vinny.” This does not matter to Trump.

“Aren’t lawyers just frustrated actors?” questioned Trump.

“I need an aggressive lawyer like Vinny who will fight for me like he did for those two New York boys falsely accused of murder at the ‘Sac-O-Suds’,” said the 45th president of the United States. “Yes, I know Joe was just acting a part. What do you think I’m doing?”

“Vinny’s a great lawyer, believe me,” said Trump. “If he can fool Judge Herman Munster, he can more than handle Mueller.”

Asked if Vinny (Pesci) has accepted his offer, Trump said, “ No, not yet. But Gambinis are proud people. They believe in seeing justice done. Nobody, I mean nobody, pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini.”

Photo | women.com

 

Russian Voters Anxiously Await Final Election Results

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

Even though strongman, and former KGB spy, Vladimir Putin, has been declared the overwhelming winner of today’s presidential election, many Russians are still concerned.

No, not of Putin’s victory but of his winning vote count.

The Central Election Commission announced Putin’s victory three minutes after voting “officially” ended. With around 80 percent of the ballots counted, Putin has received approximately 75% of the vote.

Despite reports of ballot-box stuffing and forced voting, it does not appear Putin will match the results of other autocrats who routinely win by incredible margins.

In 2014, North Korea’s state media confirmed Kim Jong-un was the proud recipient of 100% of the country’s vote.

If Putin does not receive at least 90% of the vote, some Russians believe they will have an angry comrade on their hands.

“This would be a big blow to our commandant’s ego after all he did to drive up the vote count,” said one voter who refused to give her name. “Things may not be so good for us if the numbers don’t go up.”

“There could be a cutback in our vodka rations,” said the worried voter.

Asked if she voted for Putin out of her own free will, the voter shook her head. “Nyet, I was offered a free pizza.”

Putin, 65, who has been in power, either as president or prime minister, since 2000 won another six year term.

“He is a strong leader,” said another voter who described himself as an enthusiastic supporter. “He will crush his enemies like a foot on an ant.”

“Look what he’s done to the U.S.,” he added. “Because of our commander’s genius, those ignorant Americans are now stuck with a moron as president. Yes, it cost us many rubles, but it was worth it.”

As of this writing, Putin had not yet received his congratulatory call from Donald Trump.

No doubt Trump will do so as soon as he finishes today’s round of golf.

Photo | standardmedia.co.ke

*moronmajority.com is a satirical blog

 

 

Stormy Daniels Threatened With Physical Harm … Mob Style

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

The Stormy Daniels story has taken a dangerous turn. According to her lawyer, Michael Avenetti, Daniels has started to receive threats of “physical harm” if she spills the beans about her affair with Donald Trump.

At a hastily gathered news conference, Avenetti played a threatening message left on Ms. Daniels’ answering machine.

“Hey, Stormy. Those are two nice knockers you have there. Would be a shame if something were to happen to them” said the caller.

Avenetti immediately contacted the FBI. According to a person familiar with the agency’s investigation, the call has already been successfully traced to its source… the White House!

Asked about this shocking turn of events, Trump called the whole thing “fake news.”

“I know nothing about this,” said Trump. “And who would threaten to harm those two gorgeous knockers.”

It looks as if Trump’s big mouth, and lack of forethought, might have gotten him in a world of trouble once again. According to the FBI source, no one revealed to Trump the actual contents of the recorded message!

A coincidence?

Photo | nydailynews.com

 

House Approves Measure Calling For Gun Labeling … “Shoot Responsibly”

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Reprint from satirical blog Moronmajority.com

After the latest mass shooting in Parkland, Florida, Congress has finally gotten serious about gun safety legislation. In a vote of 218-217, the House of Representatives, by the slimmest margin, yesterday passed a bill that would mandate all guns sold in the United States carry the warning: “Shoot Responsibly.”

Rep. Earl Scruggs (R-TN) hailed the vote as a much needed first step in making gun owners aware that with their unalienable right to bear arms comes the obligation to use their weapon appropriately. The admonition must be affixed to all packaging containing a weapon, from the smallest handgun to the largest assault rifle.

“What this tells the gun-consuming public,” said Scruggs, “is that it’s OK to use your gun for hunting, for target practice and self defense, but not to shoot up a movie theater, a nightclub or a school.”

Scruggs, who can up with the idea after watching a Heineken commercial encouraging consumers to “drink responsibly,” knew he was on to something that could pass the House.

”It took a lot of arm-twisting but we were finally able to get bipartisan agreement on my bill,” said Scruggs. “I know some people say this will not solve the problem of gun violence in our country, but it’s a start.”

For those old enough to remember, Earl Scruggs was a member of Nancy Reagan’s task force in the 1980’s war against drugs. Scruggs was credited with coming up with the highly successful campaign “Just say NO!”

The NRA, taken by surprise by the bill’s passage, has not yet weighed in on whether it will support the legislation. A spokesperson has indicated the gun group may agree to the labeling “depending on the size of the print.

Asked for comment, Donald Trump said he would be happy to sign the bill if it ever gets to his desk.

“I am all for people using their guns responsibly,” said Trump. “You know, something like this, along with training and arming teachers, will go a long way in making our schools, and country, safer.”

The fate of a similar bill being introduced in the Senate remains uncertain.

Photo | Official White House Photo by Lawrence Jackson

Satire?

 

Democrats Embroiled In New Scandal … “Clapgate”

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Democrats are un-American.

That is the message Donald Trump delivered yesterday during a speech at a manufacturing plant in Blue Ash, Ohio.

“They would rather see Trump do badly than our country do well. That’s what it means,” Trump told an audience of supporters. “It’s very selfish. It was bad energy.”

Trump’s accusation stems from the allegedly bad behavior Democrats exhibited at his State of the Union address last week.

Unlike Republicans, who gave Trump a rousing round of applause after every sentence uttered, Democrats sat stone-faced, unmoved.

“They were like death and un-American,” Trump added. “Somebody said ‘treasonous’. I mean, eh. I guess, why not? Can we call that treason, why not? I mean they certainly didn’t seem to love our country very much.”

As has been the pattern since the start of his presidency, some Republican lawmakers are defending Trump’s remarks, albeit with some qualification.

“I wouldn’t use the word ‘treasonous’ but boy, was it embarrassing,” said Rep Chris Collins (R-NY). “They were stoic, sitting on their hands.”

Rep. Claudia Tenney (R-NY) perhaps stated the Republican view best:

“I would say it was un-American, and they don’t love our country. I don’t know if I would go as far as treasonous, but the president is before a large audience and he likes to talk in colorful language. I sat on the Democratic side, and I was frankly appalled at the behavior of the Democrats…I thought it was terrible that they didn’t [stand] for very American ideas, and why not? They’re just about resist? What does resist mean? Obstruct. They’re not interested in dialogue. Not interested in working with us and trying to come up with solutions.”

It is only a matter of time before Trump TV (Fox News) and other conservative media outlets run with this latest supposed Democratic debacle.

Democrats have had a bad last few days. First the release of the Nunes memo that many Republicans believe exonerates Trump of any wrongdoing in the Trump-Russia probe. And now a new scandal of their own that Republicans claim demonstrates just how unpatriotic they are … “Clapgate.”

Photo | snopes.com

Alert – Could the headline be satirical???

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trump Pulls A Muhammad Ali … Just Call Me “The Greatest”

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Donald Trump is known to be a man high on himself. He loves to blow his own horn more than “Satchmo” Louis Armstrong at a New Orleans jazz festival.

Today the nation’s chief executive boasted that some people think he is the greatest president of all time. Yes, better than the “Father of our Country” and “Honest Abe.”

At an annual retreat for Congressional Republicans in West Virginia, Trump talked about how 83-year-old Senator Orrin Hatch called him “the single greatest president in his lifetime.”

“He actually once said I’m the greatest president in the history of our country,” Trump told the lawmakers. “I said, does that include Lincoln and Washington? He said yes … I said I love this guy.”

Reached for comment, however, Hatch’s office denied the senator said such a thing.

According to a spokesperson, Hatch did say Trump was “one of the best presidents I’ve served under” and “that he would like to work with the President to make this the greatest presidency in history for the American people.”

Donald Trump, never been one to let the facts get in the way of a good story, seems to have put words in the octogenarian’s mouth.

Muhammad Ali used to call himself “The Greatest.” To many boxing fans, Ali was not only the greatest boxer but also the greatest sportsman who ever lived.

Looks as if Trump is borrowing a page from Ali’s lexicon.

But some Ali loyalists are not happy with the comparison.

“I knew Muhammad Ali,” says former sparring partner, Frank “The Man Of Steel” Steele. “And Trump is no Muhammad Ali. Where does he come off calling himself “The Greatest?”

Most Americans know by now Trump is prone to hyperbole. While he may not be the greatest president in the history of the United States, he is no doubt a legend in his own mind.

Photo | boxing.com

Satire Alert!

 

 

 

Trump Miffed … Mueller Still Getting Paycheck

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Donald Trump finally got the government shutdown he wanted. But to his shock and dismay, this does not put the Mueller investigation on ice.

The Justice Department has confirmed that employees in Mueller’s office are exempt from the shutdown and can continue investigating any possible collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia. His office is not funded through the regular congressional appropriations process.

So, the probe Trump continues to call a “witch-hunt” and a “hoax” lives on even as other government functions come to an end.

“There is something very wrong with our government if I can shut it down and people still keep getting paid … they still go on with their work,” Trump told a group of reporters.

Anonymous White House sources have confirmed that Trump believed a government shutdown would end Mueller’s investigation without him having to fire the FBI special prosecutor.

“I am going to get to the bottom of this,” Trump added. “How is this possible? No doubt Crooked Hillary is involved with this.”

Perhaps someone on Trump’s staff might school him on how special counsel investigations are funded.

Trump would learn that special counsel investigations are funded by a separate “permanent indefinite appropriation” established by the Department of Justice Appropriation Act of 1988 to pay for “investigations and prosecutions by independent counsels.” In other words, Congress has already passed the appropriations bill that funds this probe, so no one’s salary is stuck in the Treasury—there is nothing preventing Mueller’s team from going to work and getting paid.

Shorting after hearing the bad news, Trump did what he does best … went golfing.

Photo | rantt.com

Satire Alert!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trump – “I’m The Least Collusiony Person You’ve Ever Met, Believe Me”

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FBI special prosecutor, Robert Mueller, wants to speak with Donald Trump … and the president is ready to comply.

Even though Trump has labeled Mueller’s investigation into possible collusion between his campaign and Russia a “witch hunt” and a “hoax”, Ty Cobb, Trump’s lawyer, says his client is “very eager” to speak with Mueller.

“I’ve got nothing to hide so why shouldn’t I talk with the guy?” asked Trump. “I’m the least collusiony president in history.”

“I think it’s more than appropriate for the Mueller people to explore anything they’re interested in,” Cobb said, claiming he is focused on “getting the facts out.”

But there appears to be a slight hitch.

As has been the case throughout the ongoing FBI investigation, Trump and his legal team do not seem to be on the same page.

After Cobb’s announcement, Trump tweeted, “ I am more than happy to discuss anything that happened before June 16, 2015.”

Trump’s cutoff date coincides with the day he formally announced his presidential campaign at Trump Tower in New York City.

Photo | the hill.com

Satire Alert!!!

Thank You, Mr. Trump, For Proving Junk Food Is Good Food

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My entire life I’ve been told fast food is bad for you. Doctor after doctor has admonished me about the evils of Big Macs. But thanks to you, Mr. Trump, I now know this has all been just one big conspiracy concocted by the medical-industrial complex.

Everyone makes fun of your love of Happy Meals and Kentucky Fried Chicken. People say you are a heart attack in the making. They laugh at your girth. They criticize you for your lack of exercise.

But you, sir, have exposed the truth. All that talk about eating more fruits and vegetables is baloney. Getting 20-30 minutes of exercise each day is a bunch of hooey.

I applaud the courage of your White House doctor, Ronny Jackson, for exposing the big “ healthy eating” lie.

Far from being the out-of-shape individual your critics say you are, Dr. Jackson has made it clear you’re in “excellent health” and “ absolutely fit for duty.”

Dr. Jackson has confirmed what your New York physician, Dr. Harold Bornstein, said during your presidential run… that if you were to win the presidency, you would be the “healthiest individual ever elected.”

Did you know that at 6’3” and 239 pounds your height and weight is almost equal to that of New York Giants tight end Evan Engram (6’3” 240 lbs.)? Truly excellent!

You, sir, are an inspiration for all us junk food addicts.

Now I understand what gives you your vigor and stamina. It’s undoubtedly all that fried chicken, pizza, burgers and fries you eat on a regular basis.

I understand that part of your amazing health is due, as Dr, Jackson noted, to your “incredible genes” but I’ll follow your diet.

Not only will I keep emulating your eating habits but I am giving up my health insurance, Why do I need to pay outrageous premiums to see doctors who lie to me about what constitutes a good diet?

Thank you, Mr. Trump, for shattering another “fake news” myth about the dangers of fast food.

Junk food is good food!

Photo | cnn.com

 

 

 

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