After his big primary win in Arizona on Tuesday, Donald Trump was on the phone with his good friend and political advisor, Bill Clinton.

Clinton – “Hey, Bud. Congrats on Arizona.”

Trump – “Yea, thanks. Do you believe this crap? I’m unstoppable. I’m like a god.”

Clinton – “Hold on there, Bud. You’re not God. This is eight years of Catholic school talking.”

Trump – “I didn’t say I was God, but a god. People just worship and adore me!”

Clinton – “Yea, your peeps just love their Trump.”

Trump – “Bill, what if in the next few months I actually get enough delegates to win this thing. Should I then just say I’ve changed my mind? That it was an experiment to see how far I could get? A way to prove I was the greatest salesman of all-time?”

Clinton – “Buddy, you are locked in. You just have to accept the nomination and have some good old fun with Hill. Don’t’ worry. She’ll try not to make a complete fool out of you in the debates.”

Trump – “I spoke with my doctor, you know, Harold, about verifying that I’ve come down with some incurable disease. What do you think about that?”

Clinton – “Nah. Better to just go all the way and let Hill have the biggest landslide in history. She will just be pleased as punch!”

Trump – “ Eight more months of this horsesh_t? I’m getting a little tired you know.”

Clinton – “But you’re a god! Ha! It won’t be so bad. Enjoy it!”

Trump – “ Alright. But tell Hill to go easy on me. No crap about my tax returns, OK?”

Clinton – “You got it, Bud. Now you know I just bought a new driver – the TaylorMade M2? Can’t wait to try it out this weekend.”

Trump – “Meet you at the club at nine Saturday.”

Clinton – “Tell me, is that sh_t about Cruz and the five mistresses true?”

Trump – “Who knows? If you were a woman would you want to screw that miskayt loser?”

Clinton – “Touche!”

Photo | cnn.com

Republican National Committee chairman, Reince Priebus, has unveiled the floor plan for the upcoming Republican National Convention.

“We are pleased with the work done by convention designer and architect, Art Vandelay. The RNC believes the setting will work well with the level of excitement anticiapted among our delegates.”

It is widely rumored Vince McMahon will be named Republican Convention Chairman.

The Republican National Convention will be held in Cleveland, Ohio at the Quicken Loans Arena July 18-21, 2016.

Photo | gamefaqs.com

A group of loyal Donald Trump supporters, otherwise known as “sheeple*,” recently penned a manifesto outlining why they are supporting the real estate mogul turned reality TV personality turned major political star.

Here is the document:

WE THE PEOPLE of the United States in order to make this country great again hereby pledge our unwavering support for Donald J. Trump for president of the United States. The reasons for our strong support are as follow:

1. He is not a politician. Because he has not been corrupted by political experience, he is the one who can lead our nation at this difficult time in its history.
2. He is not beholden to Big Money. Because he has his own money, and is a billionaire, he cannot be bought. He doesn’t need any more money.
3. He will build a huge wall. Because he is a builder, he will erect the highest wall ever built and make Mexico pay for it.
4. He will keep Muslims out of the country. Because we do not know who the terrorists and non-terrorists are, he will keep all Muslims out.
5. He will bring back jobs. Because he is a great businessman and negotiator, he will convince companies that left the United States for foreign countries to come back.
6. He does not care about political correctness. Because he is not a politician, he will level with the American people by telling it like it is.
7. He will rebuild the military. Because he is a strong leader, he will strengthen our military and defeat ISIS by taking away its oil fields.
8. He will get rid of Obamacare. Because he wants all Americans to have healthcare, he will repeal Obamacare and replace it with something which he will tell us about after he is elected.
9. He will deport all 11.5 million illegal immigrants. Because most illegal immigrants are criminals, he will round them up and send them home. They have no rights because they are illegal.
10. He is against gun control. Because he is a staunch defender of the second amendment, he will not sign any law that will regulate or limit our Constitutional right. He knows guns are an intrinsic part of the American identiy.

While this article is tongue-in-cheek, every reason listed in this fake manifesto for supporting Trump is real!

Photo | businessinsider.com

*People unable to think for themselves. Followers. Lemmings. Those with no cognitive ablilities of their own.” – urbandictionary.com

“Bill,” exclaimed an excited Donald Trump in a phone call to his good friend and political advisor, Bill Clinton, “I think I found the answer!” Trump was referring to his last conversation with the former president about how to sabotage his campaign. (Bill Clinton’s 3 AM Phone Call)

“ I just lost Wyoming and Washington D.C., big time.” said Trump referring to his losses in the two latest nominating contests. “The pundits are saying it was all because of the violence at my rallies.”

“Good work,” said Clinton. “I had a feeling all the uproar was going to cost you. But, hey, I thought that whole David Duke, KKK thing would hurt you too.”

“Hurt me?” said Trump. “My numbers went up! My pea-brain followers were loving that I didn’t diss Duke by renouncing his support … well, at least up front.”

“I’m being hit by all sides for not trying to stop the mayhem,” added Trump. “Get this, even Rubio and Kasich now say they may reconsider their support for me as the nominee because of all the chaos!”

“I got to hand it to you, buddy, I thought you telling your numskulls not to worry about attacking protesters because you’d pay their legal bills was genius.”

“Yea, my campaign people are pretty smart,” said Trump. “They also came up with how, in the old days, protesters were taken out on stretchers.”

“Well, we will see if this works for you on Tuesday,” said Clinton.

On March 15, primaries will be held in the big states of Florida and Ohio, along with Illinois. Missouri and North Carolina. Trump victories in all or most of these high stakes winner-take-all contests could make the real estate mogul, turned TV reality star, turned politician essentially unstoppable.

“Don’t get your hopes up too high,” cautioned Clinton. “You just might do very well. With your crazy dimwit followers you never know.”

Proving once again Clinton is a master at understanding the political landscape, there have been reports that many Trump followers believe the violence at Trump rallies is the handiwork of the GOP. Distrust of the Republican establishment is so high that some Trump supporters think the protestors popping up at Trump rallies are Republican plants.

Some supporters are now blaming the recent unrest in Chicago on supporters of Bernie Sanders – “Bernie’s crowd,” as Trump sneered in his speech – and the Black Lives Matter movement, which frequently protests Trump events.

“You’re right, Bill,” said Trump. “As they say, que sera sera. I do keep thinking of that George Carlin line, tough: “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

“Cheer up,” said Clinton, “ You might get schlonged by the two Cubans. Eight a.m. tee time Saturday, right?”

Photo | socialnewswatch.com

On the heels of the controversial approval received from David Duke, the former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard, Donald Trump has just secured the endorsement of Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi.

“I like Trump,” said Soup Nazi. “He is a man who is not afraid to tell people where to go, especially when they get out of line.”

The decision to back Trump was an easy one for Soup Nazi.

“Like me, Trump is a perfectionist,” said the man whose passion for quality soups is unparalleled. “He shows class in everything he does, from the skyscrapers he builds to the women he marries. Have you seen anyone with a more perfect body than Melania?”

To show how much of a supporter he is, Soup Nazi has created a new soup in honor of Trump.

“I thought very hard about what kind of soup to make,” said Soup Nazi. “I decided to go with a variation of Chinese bird’s nest soup. You know, to honor what’s on his head. I will call it ‘Trump nest soup.”

Asked to comment on his latest endorsement, Trump said he was not familiar with Soup Nazi or his award-winning soups.

“Frankly, I’m not much of a soup guy,” said Trump.

When questioned whether it is wise to accept the endorsement of someone who goes by the offensive name of Soup Nazi, especially in light of the uproar created when he did not immediately reject the support of the white supremacist, David Duke, Trump replied, “ Sure, why wouldn’t I? Some of my best friends are great chefs.”

Not missing a beat, Trump’s main opponent in the race, Ted Cruz, has already prepared a misleading ad that will run in the upcoming primary states. The commercial boldly proclaims, “Trump endorsed by Nazi!” The Cruz camp believes the ad will be particularly effective in Florida, which holds its primary March 15^th.

Informed of the false negative ad about to be unleashed against Trump, Soup Nazi became enraged.

Said Soup Nazi, “You can tell that lying, Cuban-Canadian Senor Cruz, no soup for you!’

Photo | seinfeld.wikia.com

Much like Seinfeld’s George Costanza in the “shrinkage” episode, Donald Trump believes his manhood is being short-changed. If you recall, Jerry’s girlfriend, Rachel, literally caught George with his pants down after he swam in a cold pool. Of course, there was significant “shrinkage.”

George asks Jerry if women know about shrinkage because he’s afraid Rachel will tell his never-having-slept-with girlfriend, Jane, about his frightened turtle.

If Rachel “thinks that’s me she’s under a complete misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me,” laments George.

Of course Rachel shares her observation with Jane who suddenly tells George she must get back to the city and cut short the Hamptons weekend.

“I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be… and more,” says George.

“I’m sure it is,” responds Jane.

“Look, you don’t understand. There was shrinkage,” pleads George.

On national TV, during the last Republican presidential debate, Trump responded to Marco Rubio’s accusation that he has small hands … and you know what they say about men with small hands!

“Look at these hands,” said Trump, hands raised, “are they small hands? And he (Rubio) referred to my hands, if they’re small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee it.”

A group of Rubio supports are demanding that Trump back up his guarantee. They are calling upon RNC chairman, Reince Priebus, to measure Trump’s manhood “so that this whole controversy can be put behind us.”

The issue of penis size has become a hot topic lately with the revelation that Adolf Hitler had a micro-penis. While Trump’s rhetoric has been compared to that of the Fuhrer, he certainly does not want to be seen as Hitler-like in the endowment area.

Don’t be surprised if Trump, in the next few days, releases a medical report from his personal doctor, Harold N. Bornstein, attesting to the large size of his schlong.

Asked whether the RNC chairman will cooperate with the Rubio camp’s demand for verification, a spokesman for Reince Priebus said he would not be touching on this subject.

And so, as with all of his guarantees, we will just have to take Trump at his word.

Update – Following his assertion that he is well-endowed, a new movement has sprung up. This is Yuge! The movement, aptly named after a movement demanding proof of Obama’s US Citizenship, is called the “Girther” movement! People are demanding proof as to whether Trump measures up. A doctor’s note won’t do.

Photo | linkedin.com

Following his big win in the Nevada caucus, Trump thanked his many supporters. He made it a point to highlight how broad-based his support is.

“We won with young. We won with old,” said Trump. “ We won with highly educated. We won with poorly educated. I love the poorly educated. We’re the smartest people; we’re the most loyal people.”

“When Donald Trump said he won with the poorly educated, many people mistakenly assumed he was talking about our group, “ said Horace Brumble, president of The Mentally Challenged of America, Inc. “We wanted to clear this up by formally coming out with our own endorsement.”

“Our group is not made up of the poorly educated,” said Brumble, “We are instead a coalition of clinically diagnosed morons, imbeciles, dimwits, idiots and ignoramuses.”

“We strongly believe in Donald Trump and our members vote wherever they are legally allowed to,” Brumble said. “We believe Donald Trump will fight for our right to vote in every state of the Union. Right now we are just another discriminated against minority.”

The MCA endorsement comes on the heals of the controversial endorsement of David Duke, a white nationalist and former Klu Klux Klan grand wizard, who said voting for anyone besides Donald Trump “is really treason to your heritage.”

Many in the media criticized Trump for not renouncing Duke’s endorsement.

“Look,” said Trump, “we are a big tent movement. We welcome one and all. As Republicans we need to grow the party. And to be perfectly honest with you, I do not know David Duke or what he stands for. I can’t help it if someone wants to support me.”

“Of all the candidates in the race, we believe Trump understands us best,” Brumble went on to say.” We know we’re not smart. But we know what love is. And our members just love Mr. Trump.”

It is hard to imagine Trump not winning his party’s nomination with such a wide and disparate group of supporters.

Photo | telegraph.co.uk

Jeb Bush is not taking his humiliating defeat for the Republican presidential nomination lying down. He is taking it standing up. Asked what he would do next now that his dream of becoming president of the United States has been crushed, Bush replied… stand up comedy.

“People on the campaign trail seemed to like a lot of the stuff I was saying. They thought it was funny. In fact, after many of my speeches people would routinely come up to me and tell me my candidacy was a joke,” said the former Governor of Florida.” I can’t do what George did, you know, get into painting. I’m not as talented that way.”

When asked if his comedy routine would involve political topics, Jeb replied, “Of course. That’s what I know and love.” Jeb tried out a few jokes he is working on.

“Ted Cruz hurts his arm after falling off his bike. He goes to his doctor and the doctor says he thinks he will need surgery. Cruz says he wants a second opinion. The doctor says, ‘OK, you’re ugly!’ BadaBing!” exclaims Jeb.

“How about this, if Rubio becomes president he might be the first one to ever get proofed at a foreign state dinner. I got a million of ‘em!” said Bush in his best Jimmy Durante.

The plan for Bush is to put together a one-hour routine that he could test out at the many retirement communities in Florida. If he’s successful there, he will take his show on a national tour.

The working title for the tour is, “The ‘Please Clap’ Jeb Bush Tour.”

“Donald Trump’s hotels are so exclusive, Room Service has an unlisted number!” Bush continued. “Ben Carson gave a patient six months to live. The patient said he couldn’t pay. So he gives him another six months.”

Like his big brother, it took public opprobrium for Jeb! to finally find the thing he was most suited for.

If all works out, could a TV comedy series be far behind?

(AP Photo/Jim Cole)

Within two days, the all-important Democratic Nevada Caucus will take place. In a contest that has gotten increasingly tight, each presidential candidate is reaching out for support wherever he or she may find it.

Now, a group of sex workers calling themselves, “Hookers 4 Hillary,” are trying to arouse interest in Hillary Clinton’s campaign.

The idea of organizing sex workers to support Clinton actually was the brainchild of brothel owner Dennis Hof. “I want the girls to be part of the political process,” said Hof . “We talk about the candidates, and 490 out of 540 ladies decided to support Hillary.”

Hof owns a number of Nevada brothels, including the Moonlight Bunny Ranch and Kit Kat Guest Ranch near Carson City, the Love Ranch Las Vegas and the Alien Cathouse, a space-themed brothel near Area 51.

“We girls are supporting Hillary because we believe she is the presidential candidate most likely to protect Obamacare from being repealed,” said group member Chesty Mae. ‘You know as sex workers healthcare is very important to us.”

In an effort to boost turnout for Hillary, the prostitutes are offering a 25 percent discount to Nevada local customers willing to caucus for the former secretary of state.

“Hookers 4 Hillary” member Candy Kisses, 29, added another reason why the girls chose to support Hillary, “I think Bill Clinton is hot. I would do him free of charge.”

When Ethel Meese, 89, a Sanders supporter at the Happy Valley Retirement Home heard about the hookers trying to stimulate support for Hillary, she formed her own support group for the 74 year old Vermont senator, “Geriatrics for Bernie.”

“We are not too old to get involved in the political process or make it out to the caucuses. We like what Bernie stands for and he is such a handsome young man,” said Meese.

Photo | hookers4hillary.com

Following Justice Antonin Scalia’s unexpected passing, his will has been made public by his personal attorney. The bulk of his estate will be split among his wife, children and grandchildren. A small portion of his sizable fortune, estimated at over $50 million, will go to the NRA.

In an unusual move, the late associate justice provided a directive in his will that in the event of his death while still serving on the Court, he wished to have his seat filled by a well-known, but divisive, public figure: Dick Cheney.

Of course Scalia’s wish has no legal or constitutional bearing on who the next justice will be. The sole responsibility for choosing a Supreme Court justice is squarely left to the president.

When informed of Scalia’s wish, Cheney said, “Antonin Scalia was a great man, a true conservative with a brilliant mind. I am honored he would want me to be his successor on the bench. I certainly would consider such a position if it were made available to me.”

President Obama has been rumored to have a short list of potential nominees. It is very unlikely Cheney made the cut. In fact, when informed of Scalia’s wish, Obama was reported as having said something akin to “when hell freezes over.”

Republicans have stated they will oppose any Obama nominee to fill Scalia’s seat. They have promised to not even consider or vote on Obama’s pick.

“The American people‎ should have a voice in the selection of their next Supreme Court Justice. Therefore, this vacancy should not be filled until we have a new President,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky said in a statement.

The Republican strategy assumes a Republican victory in November.

Ted Cruz and Donald Trump, the two frontrunners for the Republican presidential nomination, were asked if they would consider a Cheney appointment.

“Dick Cheney is a great man, a true conservative with a brilliant mind, “ said Cruz. “I would be honored to offer up his nomination to the bench.”

Donald Trump was not so enthusiastic about Dick Cheney as an associate justice. “Isn’t he the guy who pushed Bush into invading Iraq?” asked Trump. “I would prefer nominating someone outside of politics or even the legal profession. I would give serious thought to my good friend, Bill O’Reilly. Great man and a true conservative with a brilliant mind.”

As a Supreme Court justice, Antonin Scalia must have known he had no constitutional power to pick or even suggest his replacement. Many scholars are attributing Scalia’s unusual request to the fact he had been showing signs of Alzheimer’s for the past 10 years.

Photo |  Mark Avery/Orange County Register/ZUMA Press

warning: If you did not realize it, this article is satire! Of course, followers of this blog know that.