As is their custom, Bill and Hillary Clinton celebrated Valentine’s Day with an intimate dinner at their favorite Chappaqua Italian restaurant, Old Stone Trattoria. Unknown to them, their conversation was secretly recorded. Below is a transcript of their discussion:

Hillary – “Bill, I’m scared.”

Bill – “Scared of what, baby?”

Hillary – “I’m afraid it’s going to be 2008 all over again. First Barack, now Bernie.”

Bill – “Now don’t worry. Bernie is no Obama. He’s an old man past his presidential expiration date. You’ll bounce back big in South Carolina. Believe me. Heck, Nate Silver has you up 95% to 5%!”

Hillary – “That’s what scares me. Just look at Nevada. I was up on Bernie 50%-27% just a month ago. Now polls show us tied at 45%. If I lose there next week, what’s going to happen in South Carolina?”

Bill – “You are going to win in Nevada … and South Carolina where Bernie has no chance. Do you think South Carolina voters are going to go for an old Jewish socialist? Really Hill!”

Hillary – “You’re probably right but I just have this sick feeling in my stomach. I can’t shake it.”

Bill – “Here, have some of this pinot noir and relax. No matter what happens with Nevada, you’ve got the black vote sewn up in South Carolina. They love you there.”

Hillary – “Bill, why don’t people everywhere love me? Am I just unlikable?”

Bill – “You’re likeable enough.”

Hillary – “There it is! That’s exactly what Barack said during one of our debates! That’s it! I’m losing because people hate me!”

Bill – “You’ve just got to try some of this rigatoni alfredo. The best!”

Hillary – “Are you listening to what I’m saying? I don’t want to taste your goddamn rigatoni alfredo!”

Bill – “Chill baby, chill. It’s going to be just fine. The whole establishment is pulling for you and Debbie has got your back.”

Hillary – “That’s it. That’s what it is. People just out and out hate me! I’m done. I’m through. I can’t take this. Let’s go!”

Bill – “But honey, not before their world-famous cheesecake!”

That is where the conversation ended. Bill did have enough time to ask for a doggy bag for his pasta and a slice of cheesecake to go.

Photo | radaronline.com

After absorbing much criticism after his last debate performance, Marco Rubio is worried. Following his triumphant third place finish in Iowa, there is a real possibility his march towards becoming the Republican establishment favorite may have stalled.

Of course, the candidate will not publically admit to such concern. When asked if he thought his poor debate performance in last Saturday’s debate would affect the vote, Rubio said, “ I do not believe it will hurt me. And let me just say this, I do not believe it will hurt me.”

Rubio’s debate performance was roundly criticized by the media as being “robotic.” He kept repeating the same canned talking points over and over. Some political pundits dubbed Rubio: “Marco Roboto.”

But a little delving into Rubio’s past reveals he is not an automaton at all. While a boy, Rubio had a favorite Uncle who was completely deaf in one ear. By necessity, he would repeat himself in order to make sure he was heard by Uncle Manuel. His campaign staff claims this is just an old habit hard to break.

It is also helpful to know that Rubio likes things that repeat. His online bio reveals his favorite movie is Groundhog Day. He favorite movie character is Jack Torrance, the Overlook Hotel caretaker in The Shining.

Marco Rubio’s fate is now in the hands of New Hampshire voters. Many analysts are saying a finish less than second place would be the end of Rubio’s hope of becoming his party’s nominee.

Rubio is trying to remain upbeat in spite of his debate debacle. “I do not believe it will hurt me,” said the candidate. Again.

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Following his resounding third place finish in the Iowa caucus, things are looking up for Marco Rubio. In fact, Rubio was so giddy after the election one might have thought he was the winner.

“So this is the moment they said would never happen,” Rubio said in a speech after the results became clear. “For months, they told us that because we offer too much optimism in a time of anger we had no chance… I will be back in October and September of this year, because when I am our nominee we are going to win Iowa, and we are going to win the election for this country.”

As awesome as his third place finish was, Rubio will not be able to parlay his Iowa success into securing the Republican nomination.

There are a number of reasons why Marco Rubio will never be president. Some roadblocks are already known. His flip-flop on immigration is probably his greatest liability. The man who cosponsored the Senate bill creating a pathway to citizenship for undocumented immigrants now claims he was never for amnesty… or as he now tries to define it, “blanket amnesty.”

Rubio’s Senate attendance record is also a big problem. According to a recent report conducted by vocativ.org and GovTrack.us, Rubio is the senator “least likely to show up for work” – missing 99 of 1,198 votes over four years. That gives him an absentee rate of 8.2%. By comparison, the Senate average is 2.01%.

On climate change, Rubio is what’s best described as an equivocator. He still believes there is reasonable doubt on the issue even though 97.1% of scientists have “endorsed the consensus position that humans are causing global warming”

As bad as these well-known hurdles are for Rubio, there is one small, personal, previously un-reported fact that will surely disqualify him in the minds of Republican voters.

While a struggling law student at the University of Miami School of Law, in order to make ends meet, Rubio worked as a male dancer at a local Chippendales.

Knowing that someday he might enter politics, Rubio, always the cleaver one, performed under the pseudonym “Buck Naked.”

Photo | fusion.net

Now don’t get your panties in a bunch, it’s satire folks!

Jeb Bush’s campaign, and super PAC, has so far spent nearly $50M on campaign ads. No other Republican presidential candidate even comes close. The fact is Jeb’s eye-popping spending exceeds the amount spent by all campaigns at this point in 2012 by $10 million.

And what has all that money gotten Jeb? A paltry 5% voter support in the polls.

It seems nothing has worked for the Bush campaign. Jeb has tried both positive ads and negative ads, each to no avail. In what many called an act of desperation, Jeb convinced his 90-year-old mother to do an ad for him. The ad backfired and was widely mocked when Mama Bush said in the commercial, “Of all the running, he seems to be the one who can solve the problems.”

And now we have learned from an anonymous Bush campaign source, Jeb is seeking the endorsement of none other than the Vicar of Christ, Pope Francis. Campaign staffers are referring to this attempted coup as their “Hail Mary” pass.

Said the campaign source, “No doubt this would be a game changer. It could resurrect his campaign. The Pope is beloved by all. How many people do you know have a 90% approval rating?”

While the odds are slim that the Holy Father would agree to endorse any American presidential candidate, let alone Jeb Bush, the campaign source said that the Bush camp has let the Vatican know that they are prepared to make a generous contribution to the Church’s “collection plate.”

This Thursday, the next Republican presidential debate will be held in Des Moines, Iowa, hosted by Fox News. It will be another make or break moment for Jeb, the establishment favorite.

If somehow Jeb is able to snag the Pontiff’s endorsement before the debate, look for the other candidates to cry foul and label the endorsement just another desperate stunt by a desperate candidate.

Seems as if Jeb can’t win for losing.

Photo | (AP/Sue Ogrocki)

Just one day after former Alaska governor, Sarah Palin, formally endorsed Donald Trump for president, Apple has announced a new app – “Palin Translate.”

“For way too long now, we have struggled to decipher the meaning of her words,” said Apple CEO, Tim Cook.” Many have described Gov. Palin’s statements as just a bunch of words strung together. Now, with our simple app, those ‘word salads’ are broken down into simple English. The user can get a clear and concise translation of what she is attempting to say.”

Cook gave as an example part of Palin’s endorsement speech yesterday in Ames, Iowa:

Palin: “We are fortunate to have a true leader like Donald Trump for president who, by the way, is not a namby pamby like those who would desecrate our flag and bring down our country to the level of a third world country I can’t envision ever becoming. He has my endorsement.”

Palin Translate: “ I endorse Donald Trump for president.”

I tried the “Palin Translate” app on a comment Palin made not too long ago about President Obama’s weakness on foreign policy.

Palin: “That we should have a president so weak on foreign policy our enemies are emboldened to seek havoc and mayhem on those who just want to live a life in freedom and enjoy all god’s gifts in the U. S. of A.”

Palin Translate: “Our president is weak on foreign policy.”

“We had such a big demand for this useful tool,” said Cook. “Our company had also been working on a similar app, “McCarthy Translate,” but had to scrap it when Kevin McCarthy did not go on to become House Speaker.

Leave it to one of the largest, and most innovative, companies in the world, Apple, to provide the consumer with practical tools for the 21^st century.

Photo | REUTERS/Carlos Barria

Many believe Rafael Edward Cruz (aka Ted Cruz) will never be president because he is ineligible to run for the office. They believe since Cruz was not born in the U.S., but Canada, he is disqualified from serving as Commander in Chief. While this is a legitimate concern, it does not make the list of top five reasons why the Cuban-Canadian, senor Cruz, will never see the inside of the White House other than as a guest.

Here are the Top Five reasons why Ted Cruz will never be president:

1. In high school, he was voted most likely to be a sleazy, sneaky, sweaty, unscrupulous douchebag adult.
2. As a once budding actor, he auditioned for the role of Grandpa Munster, sans make up, but was rejected as too scary.
3. His college roommate at Princeton slept, each night, clutching a large cross and wearing a clove of garlic around his neck.
4. His barber has confirmed the numbers 666 are visible on his scalp.
5. There just aren’t enough low-information, low-IQ, racist, xenophobic, Bible-hugging, gun-toting voters out there.

Yes, Cruz may become the Republican presidential nominee. Reason #5 only applies to a general election. There are more than enough misguided and misinformed Republican voters for Cruz to secure the GOP nomination.

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Obama is at it again! First he took away your right to go without health insurance. Then it was talk of taking away your guns. Now he wants to take away your cancer!

At his final State of the Union address this week, Obama announced a “moonshot” to cure cancer.

“For the loved ones we’ve all lost, for the family we can still save, let’s make America the country that cures cancer once and for all,” said the lame-duck president. Vice-president Joe Biden, whose son Beau died of brain cancer last year, will lead the effort.

Proving once again that Republicans will reflexively oppose any Obama proposal, their criticism was swift and unrelenting.

Presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee, blamed the president for wanting to play god. “If someone is afflicted with cancer, it is God’s will. How dare the president think he can thwart the will of the Almighty!”

Businessman and Republican presidential frontrunner, Donald Trump, attacked Obama’s proposal as a jobs killer. “Do you know how many people rely on cancer for their livelihood? Oncologists, lab technicians, nurses, drug companies, just to name a few. They would be devastated. Republican’s just won’t stand for another Obama power grab.”

One might have thought Obama would have learned his lesson by now. Anything he proposes is verboten. The GOP will simply not agree with, or support, anything that might add to the Obama legacy of significant accomplishments.

“Treating cancer is a business,” said Ted Cruz, echoing Trump’s criticism. “We Republicans are, and will always be, job creators, not job destroyers like those socialist Democrats. We’re not going to let Obama destroy the cancer business like be did  healthcare with his disasterous Obamacare.”

Yes, President Obama should have expected the backlash. But this being the final year of his presidency, he is not concerned. Said the president,“I don’t give a …!”

It appears the only proposal Obama could make that might garner Republican support would be a pay raise for Congress.

After being left out of this Thursday night’s prime-time lineup by Fox Business Network, Rand Paul announced he will boycott the debate. He said, as a “top-tier” candidate, he was not going to be relegated to the undercard (kids’ table) debate featuring such also-rans as Carly Fiorina, Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum.

“I won’t debate anything that’s not first-tier, because we have a first-tier campaign,” Paul told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer on Monday. “What, all of a sudden I’m chopped liver? I’m’ 100% USDA prime, Wolf.”

“This is an absolute travesty,” a Paul campaign spokesman said. “By any reasonable criteria Senator Paul has a top tier campaign. He will not let the media decide the tiers of this race and will instead take his message directly to the voters of New Hampshire and Iowa,”

So, while Fox airs the next Republican debate, Paul will be out on the hustings in an attempt to lift his slumping poll numbers. “He is determined not to be sent to the ‘kids’ table’ for the next debate, scheduled for January 18, in all-important Iowa,” said the campaign spokesman.

When asked if it were a good idea to skip the Thursday debate, even if it meant being placed with the second-tier candidates, Paul said, “This is all bogus, man, no way would I get between Fiorina, Huckabee or Santorum. I blame RNC chair, Reince Priebus, for this travesty.”

Republican National Committee Chair Reince Priebus said on Fox News that Paul’s anger was misplaced and that he had not even heard from Paul that he would skip the debate. “Rand Paul is ‘a varsity candidate’ that has done very well,” said Priebus,” No one around here considers him a water boy.”

If only more Republican voters felt the same way as Reince then, perhaps, Paul would not be averaging slightly over 2% in Republican national polls.

Photo | thedailybeast.com

A group of concerned citizens has petitioned the FCC to require Fox News Channel to include a warning label on all its TV broadcasts.

“We view Fox News as a national security threat many times greater than ISIS. “ said group leader Jason Banks. “Over the past seventeen years, all that the network has done is distort, misinform, and lie to its viewers. We now have a significant portion of our population suffering brain injury. They live in an alternate universe.”

“Fox News is the number one cause for all the division and fear in our country,” added group member Linda Schmidt. “Fox News is not, and never has been, a legitimate news channel.”

The group has accused Fox News of being nothing more than a project by right-wing propagandist Rupert Murdoch and Republican media strategist Roger Ailes to spread disinformation and promote GOP politicians. And they have carried out that mission with a roster of rabidly partisan hosts broadcasting provable lies.

“The reason we have such a sorry group of Republican politicians these days is all because of Fox. Without Fox News there would be no Trump. That a significant group of Americans hate their government and are arming themselves is due to Fox. Yes, Fox is a threat to our national security. They are the preferred news outlet for gun-carrying, paranoid white racists.”

Jason Banks observed, “Fox’s motto, “fair and balanced,” is pure Orwellian genius. A new Gallup poll exposed Fox News for the fraud that it is by finding that instead of being “fair and balanced,” the cable news leader caters to a viewership that is 94% Republican (Fair and balanced exposed). A more truthful slogan, said Banks, would be “misinformation for the unbalanced.”

While the FCC is the watchdog for consumer deception and fraud, the group admits their chances of getting the agency to force Fox News to display a warning label on all its broadcasts are slim. But they refuse to let the network continue to call itself “news.” Said Banks, “They are entertainment, pure and simple. If this isn’t false advertising, then what is?

Here is the proposed warning label:

Fox News is not a news channel. They are registered as an entertainment network. Any correlation between what is said on its “news programs” and the truth is purely coincidental and unintentional. Watching Fox News over an extended period of time can cause a significant loss in IQ points and can turn you into a government-hating, gun-toting, uniformed bigot. Watch Fox at your peril.

Photo | collegehumor.com

The GOP establishment just doesn’t get it: why would anyone support a buffoon like Donald Trump? Here is a man with zero political experience; a man who boasts of being political incorrect; a man who, in the famous words of John McCain, might be labeled a “wacko bird.” Yet there he is, leading his Republican opponents in the polls … month after month.

In an effort to find out what Trump supporters like most about the man, MM interviewed a number of his devoted followers. Here are the top five reasons why voters are attracted to Trump:

1. “He has no political experience. Zip. That is why I think he is perfect for the job,” said Jake Brenner, who recently was denied a fast food job because he did not meet the qualification of having a high school diploma.
2. “He really understands the struggles of the common man,” said Abigail Scruggs of the billionaire when interviewed at her trailer home.
3. “He’s a smart businessman, the kind of winner America desperately needs, “ said Jim Grey about the businessman who has declared corporate bankruptcy four times.
4. “He says what’s on his mind and could care less about being politically correct,” said Dave Manning of the man whose statements about Muslims are about to get him banned from Great Britain.
5. “He is a born leader who just wants to serve his country and make it great again,” said Greta Jones about the man who sought multiple deferments in order to avoid service in Viet Nam.

Yes, Trump’s supporters are a fiercely loyal bunch. There is nothing their hero can say or do to change their minds. Facts be damned! One could say Donald Trump is the new American Idol.

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