Ahead of the next Republican presidential debate scheduled for January 14 in North Charleston, South Carolina, I had the opportunity to interview a few Donald Trump supporters. I was taken aback by their fierce loyalty to the TV celebrity/real estate billionaire. Here are some of their comments:

“The man is not a politician. I just love that! He speaks his mind and really cares about people like me,” said Abigail Scruggs at her home at the Green Valley trailer park. “ Trump’s good with money. He’s a successful businessman who climbed the ladder of success.”

I asked Ms. Scruggs how a billionaire who lives in luxury penthouses could possibly relate to someone living in a trailer home, on social security disability benefits? Her reply was quick. “He wasn’t always a billionaire! I heard he started at the bottom with only a small loan from his daddy. He’s an American success story! People like that don’t forget their roots.” Yes, Trump has admitted to a humble beginning with only a small loan from his father ($1 million.)

“I like that he wants to make ‘Merica great again by getting rid of all the immigrants,” said Jim Bob Mosley. “And unlike that Kenyan Obama, he doesn’t want to let those Muslim refugee terrorists into the country.” I asked Mosley if he believes Trump wants to deport all immigrants or just those here Illegally. “Who cares, they don’t belong here. Build the goddamn wall!”

“Trump’s a born leader. He’s a very smart man. He even said he would be the smartest president if elected,” offered Jenny Davis.” He will run rings around all those dumb world leaders, including Putin.” It was widely reported Putin recently called Trump an “absolute leader,” and praised him for his brilliant mind.

When asked if they would support Ted Cruz (or any other Republican) if Trump were not the Republican nominee, the response was unanimous. “Of course Trump will be the nominee! He’s winning in all the polls. How can he lose? Heck in our state his lead over Cruz is 20 points.” The most recent Fox poll does indeed have Trump leading Cruz by exactly 20 points.

It seems Trump’s loyal supporters can’t even envision the possibility of his not getting the nomination. Call it a case of unconditional love. (For Trump Supporters, It’s Unconditional Love)

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Following Donald Trump’s latest taunt, Barbara Bush has come to the defense of her much-maligned son, Jeb. Trump, on Sunday’s Meet The Press, labeled Jeb “an embarrassment to the Bush family.”

“My son is a good and decent boy. The whole family loves him and is proud of all his accomplishments,” said Mama Bush. “I just thought we, as a country, didn’t need another Bush in the White House.”

Before declaring his run for the Republican presidential nomination, Barbara Bush famously gave Jeb her advice: Don’t. (What’s Wrong With Jeb?) But the offer ($$$$) from the GOP establishment was just too good to pass up. Jeb took the bait.

What the country has discovered over the past seven months is that while Jeb may be the smarter Bush (academically), George W. is by far the more talented Bush (politically). Jeb just doesn’t come across as the type of guy the average Republican voter would want to have a beer with. With Jeb, it would be more about some boring policy discussion.

What Republicans want from their 2016 nominee is the same thing that George and Jerry pitched to the executives at NBC … a show about “Nothing.” Political experience and policy chops just don’t cut it with the current crop of angry, fed-up GOP voters.

In the latest Iowa and New Hampshire polls, Jeb finds himself in fifth place and sixth place, respectively. The distance between Jeb and the front-runner Trump is almost as wide as the distance between Sarah Palin’s Alaska home and her view of Russia.

“Now that Jeb is in the race, my boy is in it to win it,” said a defiant Mama Bush. “We Bushes are firmly behind him. You know, we’re a very competitive bunch. We hate losing, especially to a  low life, degenerate, imbecile carnival barker like Trump!”

If only Jeb had made Mama his campaign manager!

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What was once considered unthinkable is looking more than ever of becoming reality. With his commanding lead in all Republican presidential polls, billionaire business and novice politician, Donald Trump, is starting to think about possible cabinet appointees.

In a list made available only to MM, below is the secret lineup of advisers (heads of the fifteen executive departments) a President Trump would look to for guidance.

The Trump campaign did admit the job of Secretary of State was a difficult choice between Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann (Secy. of Education). But in the end, Palin’s diplomatic skills, coupled with her command of the English language won her the nod. Said Trump, “I also liked she had experience in international affairs. From her home in Alaska, she could see Russia.”

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Donald Trump recently mocked Hillary Clinton for her late return to the debate stage at last week’s Democratic debate. It was later revealed by the Clinton campaign that Hillary’s bathroom break took longer than expected.

“Where did Hillary go?” Trump asked. “They had to start the debate without her. … I know where she went. It’s disgusting. I don’t want to talk about it.”

What appeared to many as something innocuous has been ratcheted up by Trump into another Clinton scandal: “Peegate.”

At a rally in Grand Rapids, Michigan, Trump elaborated on what he believes may be a disqualifying factor for Hillary: she suffers from female incontinence.

“You see folks, for Hillary it is not just going to the bathroom. It’s that whole Depends thing. You know, the adult diapers many older women wear. It’s a pain to take them off and put on a new one,” said Trump.

“Now, I know she won’t admit it, but to me that disqualifies her for the presidency. Can you imagine a high level meeting with Putin and Hillary has to excuse herself to go change her diaper? Really?” reasoned Trump.

When asked by reporters if he had proof that Hillary wears diapers, Trump said, “Not exactly. That is why I am calling for the release of her complete medical record.”

“If she has nothing to hide, what’s the problem?” asked Trump. “If getting her entire medical record out is too much, a letter from her doctor would be good. Hey, I just released a letter from my guy, Dr. Harold Bornstein.”

Trump’s physician gave Trump a glowing bill of heath, stating Trump’s health was not only good but “amazingly excellent.” Said Bornstein, “If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.”

Will Trump be successful in turning “Peegate” into another Clinton scandal? Time will tell. House Republicans, however, have already expressed their willingness to form another select committee to investigate this latest Clinton “irregularity.”

Image courtesy of Suat Eman at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

To the dismay of his supporters, Sen. Lindsey Graham has quit the Republican presidential contest. In an unprecedented move, Graham sent personalized “thank you” letters to each backer, all eleven.

“I knew my candidacy was a long shot,” said Graham, “but I wanted to get the message out that unless we have boots on the ground in every country that hates our guts, we will never be safe.”

The third-term Republican senator who also served eight years in the House, is considered a national security hawk and a foreign policy expert. He is beloved in his home state of South Carolina, despite his occasionally moderate leanings.

But what may have sabotaged his candidacy more than anything else is his “bachelor” status and the persistent “gay” rumors. When asked who would be his first lady, his promise to have “a rotating first lady” drew giggles and jokes—including a quip by Sen. Mark Kirk that Graham was a “bro with no ho.” Graham did not help his cause when he said, in a somewhat melancholy manner, being single did not make him a “defective person.”

Gay rumors have long plagued the senator and other South Carolina politicians have even implied that Graham is closeted.

Apparently Graham’s attempts to make light of his never having had a wife did not play well with the American public. Even though we live in a more tolerant time, it is still the case that nobody looks presidential when they’re anxiously explaining why they’re single in their 50s.

John McCain, perhaps Graham’s best friend, tried to quell the gay rumors when he told a reporter that Graham indeed loved women. “I know for a fact he went to his senior prom at D.W. Daniel High School with a southern belle name Peggy Sue Jenkins.”

Research, however, showed Graham’s date in 1973 was his first and last … at least with a member of the opposite sex.

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Russian President Vladimir Putin recently weighed in on the Republican presidential frontrunner, Donald Trump. “The man is brilliant, “ said Putin. “He is strong, like me.”

While stopping short of endorsing his fellow macho man, Putin did say Trump would make a great president, unlike the cerebral Obama. “Trump, as they say in your country, takes no sh*t. I say that right? He says what he means and means what he says. He’s man you can trust. When he says his hair is real, I believe.”

Putin biggest praise was reserved for Trump’s taste in women. “The man could have any woman on earth and who does he marry? Soviet woman!” exclaimed the former KGB spy. Trump’s first wife, Ivanna (nee Zelníčková) was born in Czechoslovakia and his current wife, Melania (nee Knavs) was born in Slovenia (formerly a part of Yugoslavia.)

Trump is indeed very much a lady’s man, like Putin. In his book, How to Get Rich, Trump wrote: “All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me—consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”

In a 1991 Esquire interview, Trump said: “You know, it doesn’t really matter what [the media] write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of [expletive].”

When informed of Putin’s praise, Trump remarked, “ Vlad and I are like two brothers from a different mother. We’re both tough, appreciate beauty, don’t believe in political correctness and like riding horses bare-chested.” Asked to provide a photo of himself riding a horse shirtless, we were told, like Trump policy specifics, it would be provided after he’s elected.

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Having been persuaded to run for president by his good friend Bill Clinton (The Genius Of Bill Clinton), Donald Trump makes a frantic 3 a.m. call to Bubba:

Trump – “Bill you gotta help me. I’m scared.”

Clinton – “Hey buddy, do you know what time it is?”

Trump – “Yea, but I know this is the best time to get you. I need your advice.”

Clinton – “My advice? You seem to be doing well on your own!”

Trump – “That’s just it. I’m doing too well. I’ve gone from front-runner to prohibitive favorite and I don’t know what to do now. People seriously think I can be the next president of the goddamn United States, for chrissake! I’ve tried sabotaging my campaign with some pretty crazy stuff lately but it’s not working. My numbers just keep going up.”

Clinton – “ You’ve done a great job upending the Republican Party and decimating the field. I’m proud of you. Why not just drop out now?”

Trump – “Bill you know me. I could never do that. I’m not a loser, you know. I need my numbers to go down so I can employ my exit strategy. You know, like I told George Stephanopoulos.”

Clinton – “I got to say you have a crazy group of loonies that just love you. How about this … you propose that we nuke North Korea? That should do the trick.”

Trump – “No, I think that might work out just like my last idea about closing our borders to all Muslims. Numbers went up!”

Clinton – “OK. How about you announce that you are in favor of reasonable gun control and you support a woman’s right to choose?”

Trump – “Yes, that’s it! There is a reason why you’re called a political genius!”

Clinton – “Well… you know.”

Trump  – “Thanks and give my best to Hill. See you Sunday. That was an 8 a.m. tee time, right?”

Photo | cnn.com

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie finally made good on his promise to join the majority of states that outlaw bestiality. By signing the bill into law this Monday, animal lovers, in the strict sense, are no longer welcome in the Garden State.

The new law, which goes into effect immediately, makes bestiality a crime punishable by 18 months in jail and a fine of up to $10,000. Penalties could get more severe in cases involving abuse or injury to the animal.

While most New Jerseyans support the governor’s action, not everyone is happy with the new law.

Newton farmer, Bobby Giles, thinks this is just another example of government overreach. “I own my animals and I don’t need some politician to tell me what I can and can’t do in the privacy of my barn,” said Giles. “Plus, this law is a violation of my religious beliefs. Who the hell is Christie to tell me I can’t know my animals ‘in the Biblical sense?’ You know I’ve been a widower for 15 years.”

Asked if he would comply with new law, Giles said, “Not as long as I have this shotgun in my hand!”

On another note, experts are predicting the sale of goats within the state will decline by 35%.

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After the kerfuffle over questions asked by the CNBC moderators at last week’s Republican presidential debate, the Fox Business Network, host of next week’s fourth debate, has made a dramatic concession to the candidates. Mostly at the urging of Sen. Ted Cruz, the debate will be moderated by Fox’s Sean Hannity and, most importantly, candidates will be supplied with debate questions in advance.

Here are some of the questions Hannity plans to ask the candidates:

Sen. Cruz: “Why do you think Democrats like to give away “free stuff?” Are they not just trying to buy votes?

Gov. Christie: “Do you think the bogus “Bridgegate scandal” was blown out of proportion by the liberal media?”

Gov. Bush: “ Why are so many Democrats criticizing your brother’s presidency? Don’t they realize he kept America safe?”

Gov. Kasich: “When you were quoted as having said some of your fellow Republicans in the presidential race were ‘just crazy,’ you were misquoted, weren’t you?

Ms. Fiorina: “ Your record as the successful CEO of Hewlett-Packard has been described by some business leaders as a disaster. This is just envy, isn’t it?”

Sen. Rubio: “ You’ve been attacked as someone who is unable to handle his own personal finances. Isn’t it true, despite your humble beginnings, you were able to fully pay off your student loans in a timely fashion?”

Gov. Huckabee: “Some people say you sell worthless products to a gullible Evangelical base. Don’t you think this is just part of the liberals’ war against religion?”

Dr. Carson: “You say you were asked to run for the presidency by God. Why do so many liberal-communist- atheists have a problem with that?

Sen. Paul: “Why does the liberal media say that you are prone to plagiarism? You write your own material and give credit where credit is due… isn’t that right?

Mr. Trump: “People say many of your buildings were built by immigrant labor. Isn’t it true you pay all your workers well and offer great benefits? And you do not do the actual hiring, isn’t that correct?

The Republican presidential candidates should be more than happy with the new Fox “debate” format.

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After being stroked, coaxed and cajoled into accepting a job he didn’t want, the new Speaker of the House, Rep, Paul Ryan, is complaining the job “stinks” … literally!

It appears outgoing Speaker, John Boehner, was so addicted to his cigs he could not go outside his office for a smoke, as mandated by federal law. So he smoked up the office inherited by Ryan.

An avid runner and self-described health-nut, the new House Speaker says he cannot put up with the stench. Speaking to NBC’s Chuck Todd of “Meet The Press, “ Ryan said, “They have these ozone machines, apparently, that you can detoxify the environment [with], but I’m going to have to work on the carpeting in here. You know if you got to a hotel room or get a rental car that’s been smoked? That’s what this smells like.”

Upon further inspection of his new digs, Ryan noticed several whiskey stains on the drapes and carpeting. “Looks like I will have to put in for a complete remodel,” said Ryan. “You know cigarette smoke can permeate walls, light fixtures and furniture.”

“I’m sure the taxpayers won’t mind the expense,” Ryan said. “It will me part of a new beginning; a fresh start with a fresh coat of paint, if you will.”

Ryan has gone out of his way to say he will be a different kind of Speaker than Boehner. “I will be more open to the wishes of my caucus but I will not cater to the radical few,” said Ryan. To prove his point, the second thing Ryan did after complaining about the office smell was to announce he would not be working with the White House on immigration reform any time soon; well, at least while Barack Obama is still around.

“Look, I think it would be a ridiculous notion to try and work on an issue like this with a president we simply cannot trust on this issue,” Ryan said. “He tried to go it alone, circumventing the legislative process with his executive orders.”

A small group of House Democrats is floating a petition to have John Boehner personally pay for Ryan’s office renovation. “After all,” said a House member who chose to remain anonymous, “ he broke the law and caused the office to reek. Why should John Q. Public be left holding the bag?”

Considering all the perks the former Speaker will receive upon leaving office, paying for the mess he created would be a small price to pay for violating the “no-smoking” rule, passed in 2008, for all federal buildings.

It appears Ryan is on track to getting the foul smell out of his room. His challenge will be to do the same with the entire House.

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