The dozen Republican presidential campaigns that met yesterday in Washington D.C. to discuss how the remaining debates should be handled have come up with a list of demands. Here are the “top ten,” as agreed on by the various campaign representatives:

1. No questions about which country a candidate would bomb next.
2. Debates should be taped, not live (for editing purposes and campaign approval).
3. Each debate winner should be allowed to skip the following debate.
4. Candidates should have the option to phone a friend, ask the audience or skip to the next question.
5. Each candidate gets two “potty” breaks.
6. There should be no questions on evolution, climate change, income inequality or who was the smartest “Brady Bunch” kid.
7. Candidates will be allowed to ask questions of the moderators.
8. Crib sheets will be permitted.
9. Candidates will be allowed to “take the fifth.”
10. Only one network, Fox News, will be allowed to moderate future debates.

Whether the TV networks will agree to all or any of the campaigns’ demands remains to be seen. As one media insider observed, “Without the ability to ask ‘gotcha’ questions, what fun would that be for the viewing public? Got to keep it unpredictable and lively if you want ratings!”

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It was just a matter of time. CNBC moderator John Harwood, at last night’s Republican presidential debate, asked Donald Trump the $64,000 question. “Mr. Trump,” asked the fearless journalist, “just what makes you think a clown like you should be running for president of the United States?”

The question stunned the Republican presidential front-runner but he soon gained his bearings. “John that is such a ridiculous question. I’m not going to answer it. It’s degrading, demeaning, insulting, biased,” said the billionaire candidate. “I mean, really? This is the first question the liberal media wants to ask me?”

Sensing an opportunity, Jeb Bush seemingly came to Trump’s defense. “John,” said Bush,” you know full well Donald meets all the qualifications required to run for president. Just where in the constitution does it say a buffoon can’t seek the presidency? You and your network should be ashamed of yourselves.”

It was at that point Texas Sen. Ted Cruz decided to join in on the media bashing. “How about talking about the substantive issues?” Cruz asked. “Nobody believes the moderator will vote in the Republican primary. It shouldn’t be about tearing into each other.”

Not to be outdone, Florida Sen. Marco Rubio launched his own assault on the “mainstream media.” Citing Hillary Clinton’s performance before the House Benghazi panel last week, Rubio said, “She has her super PAC helping her out,” referring to the media’s positive coverage of her performance.

Realizing he needed to start throwing his weight around, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie jumped on the bandwagon. Christie smartly seized his moment to express his disdain for the debate moderators when  a question was asked about the legality of online fantasy football. ““We have ISIS and al Qaeda attacking us,” asked a combative Christie,  “and we’re talking about fantasy football?”

With all the outrage expressed at the media by his fellow Republican candidates, Trump never did answer Harwood’s question.

Republican National Committee chairman, Reince Priebus, offered his own criticism following the debate. “The performance by the CNBC moderators was extremely disappointing and did a disservice to their network, our candidates, and voters.”

An anonymous source from within the RNC later revealed an embarrassing truth … it was Reince Priebus himself who cajoled Harwood to ask Trump the clown question. The Republican establishment can abide almost any “wacko bird” as their 2016 standard bearer … but not a clown.

Photo | epictimes.com

Breaking News – After failed efforts to tap Rep. Paul Ryan as their white knight, Republican House members have turned to former vice president Dick Cheney as their new leader. The ultraconservative House Freedom Caucus has fully endorsed the man many Democrats call the “Evil One.”

Rep. Jim Gordon, caucus chairman, said, “We are thrilled the vice president accepted our offer of becoming the new leader. As you may know, the Speaker of the House does not have to be an elected house member. He is the right man for a tough job.”

“Dick is a well-respected man who cares about the direction of this country; a man who knows how to get things done. He has the gift of persuasion. I don’t know anyone else who could have convinced George W. Bush invading Iraq was a good idea,” said Gordon. “Plus, Vice President Cheney has a big heart… ever since that last baboon heart transplant.”

When reached for comment, Cheney said he was happy to “get back into the action.” He directed some venom at current Speaker, John Boehner. “John is an honorable man, but can you really call him a leader? The man never grew a pair in all his years as Speaker. To get legislation passed, he had to go begging to that witch, Pelosi.”

When asked how he would bring order to the House; how he would get House Republicans to come together and stop their bickering, Cheney smirked and replied, “Easy, I will tell you in one word: waterboarding. Works every time.”

As a jester to the American people, Cheney is waiving the Speaker’s salary of $223,500. “Fortunately, I do not need the money. With the money I’ve made from Halliburton, there is plenty of money for me, my children, my grandchildren and great grandchildren.”

Whatever the weaknesses of John Boehner as Speaker, Cheney brings toughness in spades, including the rumored pair of large cajones.

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It was only a matter of time. As some second-tier candidates are preparing to exit the Republican presidential contest, one well-known celebrity has just announced his entry into the race: Bozo the Clown.

Rience Priebus, Republican National Committee chairman, has confirmed Bozo is now an official candidate for the 2016 race. “All the proper papers have been filed with the FEC and Mr. Bozo meets all the constitutional requirements to run for president. We now look forward to see how he performs in the glaring spotlight of the center ring.”

The odds are high that Bozo will make it into the next debate scheduled for October 28, 2015. New polling just released by Quinnipiac University shows Bozo the Clown with 23% support, trailing only Donald Trump at 25%.

“I am so thrilled to have this opportunity,” said Bozo, “It has always be a dream of mine to run for public office.” When asked what could possibly make someone with zero political experience think he would be an effective politician, especially as president of the United States, Bozo answered, “ The three leading candidates for the Republican party have as much political experience as I have.” Bozo was referring to Donald Trump, Ben Carson and Carly Fiorina.

“It is obvious the Republican field has room for another clown,” said Bozo.” I keep hearing a clown has been at the top of the polls for nearly four months. And now, his numbers are slipping! Frankly, other than the hair, I don’t see much effort on his part in trying to appear clownish. This country is hungry, and ready,  for a true, bona fide clown.”

When asked what his campaign slogan would be, Bozo replied, “A Rubber Chicken In Every Pot! My campaign advisers say it’s a winner.”

Asked if there is one main issue he would focus on, Bozo said, “Yes. Animal cruelty. I’ve seen trainers abuse lions and tigers and bears. Did I just say ‘lion and tigers and bears?’ Oh my! Hehe.”

The next Republican presidential debate should be a ratings bonanza for debate sponsor CNBC. Already the cable network is promoting the telecast as “The Battle Of The Clowns … Really.” Stephen Sondheim’s “Send In The Clowns” is expected to be played as the candidates enter the debate hall. This will be followed by Patsy Cline’s immortal, “Crazy.”

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I’m an 18-year-old male in desperate need of some wheels, but I can’t get my license. You see, I keep failing my road test. I think I have a constitutional right to own a car.

People at the DMV tell me I have to pass my driving test to prove I’m a good driver. But I know a lot of people who passed their driving test, and who now own a car, but are bad drivers. I even know some people who drive without a license! My not getting a license is pure and plain discrimination.

As Dwayne La Derriere, president of the KNC (Kids Need Cars) has clearly said, “Cars don’t kill people, people kill people.”

Our government is out of control with all its regulations. In my social studies class last year, I learned that the Fourteenth Amendment says, “No state shall deprive any person of life, liberty, or property … nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.”

Well, my state is depriving me of property … the car I want! Just because I can’t pass my road test, I’m being discriminated against. This is governmental tyranny.

I’m really a good driver. I just don’t do well on tests. Is that a reason to refuse me my license? Deny me my Constitutional right to own and operate a car?

I know I will eventually pass my road test. But I’m going on my fifth try. This is costing me big time.

And talking about cost, when I do get my license and buy a car, I’m told I can’t operate it on the road unless I pay for insurance. WTF! This is government overreach, I tell you.

For all those kids in a similar situation as me, stand up for your rights! Mr. La Derriere needs, and would appreciate, your generous donation to the KNC. Just go to www.governmentregualtionssuck.com.

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After his successful first visit to the U. S., highlighted by an unprecedented address to a joint meeting of Congress, it appears the first Latin American pontiff has “some splainin’ to do.” It was recently revealed that Pope Francis secretly met with Evangelical martyr and conservative media star, Kim Davis, while in Washington D.C.

Many liberals and progressives who just a few days ago praised the Holy Father for his openness on issues such as immigration, climate change and income inequality, were taken aback by the Pope’s surprise meeting with Davis. Supporters had lauded Francis for avoiding hot-button issues polarizing American society.

Kim Davis has made a name for herself by refusing to issue marriage licenses to same sex couples due to her deeply held religious beliefs. The fact that issuing marriage licenses to all eligible couples is what she was elected to do does not matter to the new religious-intolerance poster girl.

“Why would the Pope take all that goodwill and moral capital he accumulated on his American visit and flush it down the crapper,” asked a confused supporter of the Pope. “There has got to be some explanation, some rationale we don’t know of.”

In an effort to get to the bottom of the story, this reporter interviewed Father Federico Lombardi, director of the Holy See Press Office and Vatican spokesman.

“The Pope grew up in Buenos Aires, Argentina, at a time when the main form of entertainment was watching Hollywood movies. He especially loved female film stars. When he was asked if he would meet with Kim Davis, he of course said “yes.” You see, the Pope’s favorite star of all time is Kim Novak. So he got a little confused. He is 78 years old after all … and a little hard of hearing.”

“So does the Pope believe a government official should be paid for refusing to do the job they were elected to do?” I asked Lombardi. “Absolutely not, “ said the spokesman, “ the Pope believes in an honest day’s pay for an honest day’s work. That is the message he gave to John Boehner during their private talk. And as you saw, Mr. Boehner took it to heart, announcing his resignation from Congress the very next day.”

Like the Pope, Father Lombardi misunderstood my question. But it didn’t pay to tell him I was talking about the Evangelical Kim Davis. The 73 year old Lombardi, I’ve been told, is also a little hard of hearing.

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In his speech to a joint meeting of Congress, Pope Francis waded into some turbulent political waters: climate change, immigration, and income inequality. But he avoided perhaps the most controversial issue of the day … the Washington Redskins; more particularly, the football team’s offensive name.

In his private meeting with House Speaker John Boehner, however, the Holy Father asked, “How can a football team have a name that offends so many people, especially native Americans? The name must go.” Boehner replied diplomatically, “I’m not a big football fan so I don’t get involved in issues like that, Your Excellency.”

When word of the Pope’s comment to Boehner was made public, all hell broke loose.

Republican presidential candidates immediately tackled the issue, looking to score points on the pontiff’s gaffe. Jeb Bush offered, “ The Pope needs to stick with what he knows best, religious issues. He’s not qualified to weigh in on American football.” This critique is very similar to Bush’s scolding of the pontiff for delving into the topic of climate change. “He’s not a scientist,” said Bush.

Ted Cruz was quoted as saying, “Are we to get rid of all names that refer to American Indians, such as Braves, Chiefs, Warriors? These names honor the American Indian not insult him.”

Perhaps the sharpest criticism came from the Republican presidential frontrunner, Donald Trump. “With all due respect, the Pope is out of his league here. What does he know about American sports anyway? Sure the name is a slur against Native Americans, but so what? This political correctness has got to stop. People need to grow a pair.”

“What’s next?” asked Trump. “Are we going to have the Kansas City Puppies playing the Dallas Kittens in a non- contact flag football Super Bowl with Kenny G as halftime entertainment? Let’s get real. We’re a society of wimps.”

Pope Francis’ director of the Holy See Press Office, Father Federico Lombardi, weighed in on the controversy. “The team already calls itself ‘hogs” and fans come dressed up as pigs. Why not call them the Washington Hogs?”

Upon hearing Lombardi’s suggestion, Trump, in true Trumpian form, sarcastically replied, “Well, a lot of fat women might be offended!”

(AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

During his address at the Value Voters Summit on Friday, Marco Rubio cut into his prepared speech to break the news of House Speaker John Boehner’s resignation. Immediately upon hearing the word, the crowd erupted into wild applause! Many of the religious conservatives cheered the Speaker’s sudden exit, taking credit for the downfall of a man reviled by the radical right as too liberal to lead.

The conference attendees couldn’t have been more lighthearted and gay … as in happier, that is. Their beloved party would be moving further to the right. Said one Republican, “This just proves that the whole problem with us Republicans is that we’re not conservative enough. Now we may have a chance to get something done!”

Sen. Ted Cruz, another Republican presidential candidate at the conference, hinted that the Senate needs a shake-up as well. “With all due respect to Majority Leader McConnell, he’s a wuss. He needs to grow a pair.” Cruz stopped short of an outright plea to fellow Senate Republicans to ditch Mitch.

The prospect of a more conservative House was too much for some Republicans to handle. “Wow,” rejoiced a conference member, “this is truly a great day! The new leadership’s first order of business should be the repeal of Obamacare.” When reminded that the Boehner-led House passed 56 bills to repeal Obamacare; that every House Republican voted for every single bill; that such a bill could not pass the Senate or survive a presidential veto,  the Republican was asked what more could Boehner have done? “He could have passed a new repeal Obamacare bill ever week,” he said, “56 repeal bills in four years isn’t a heck of a lot!”

Whoever the House Republicans pick as their new leader, you can be sure he will not be conservative enough for a cadre of rabid Republican reps. Their immediate goal seems to be a government shutdown over the funding of Planned Parenthood, something Boehner was opposed to. But the long term goal seems to be no less than to limit the power of the Federal government to just one function … funding the military.

As Saint Reagan famously said, “Government is not the solution to our problem; government is the problem!” Oh, the law of unintended consequences! Ronnie must be rolling over.

Post Script: Yesterday, Sen. Ted Cruz won the Values Voter Summit straw poll for the third year in a row . With a whopping 35% in the poll of summit-goers, he finished ahead of runner-up Ben Carson’s 18%. Donald Trump finished a disappointing fifth with 5% support.

Photo | AP/Huffingtonpost.com

After last week’s second Republican presidential debate, the most glowing reviews were for Carly Fiorina. Her impressive showing came on the heels of her winning performance in the first debate, albeit while at “the kid’s table,” (Carly On The Rise).

In the most recent CNN/ORC poll, Ms. Fiorina has shot up to second place among Republican presidential hopefuls with 15 per cent support, trailing only Donald Trump whose support slipped to 24 per cent.

But with a rise in profile comes an increase in scrutiny. There are a number of skeletons in Ms. Fiorina’s closet that will soon be made public, any one of which could derail her bid for the presidency.

Here are the Top 10 reasons why Carly Fiorina will never be president:

1. Declared bankruptcy twice while operating her lemonade stand as a young girl
2. Falsely accused her college roommate of having genital herpes after she stole her boyfriend.
3. Doesn’t like puppies
4. Secretly chews tobacco
5. As a teenager, boiled her sister’s bunny in a fit of rage
6. Was named “Most Likely To Be Mean” by her high school class
7. Palled around with Bella Abzug in the 1970s
8. Cheats at Words with Friends
9. When called “as cold as ice” by an employee at HP, the employee was successfully sued for defamation by “ice.”
10. Pees standing up

Yes, like Herman Cain and Michelle Bachmann before her, Ms. Fiorina will have her 15 minutes of fame. But her star will soon fade. While the current crop of Republican voters may forgive a candidate many things, one fact cannot be overlooked. What sicko doesn’t love puppies!

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On the heels of the recent controversy surrounding whether the Republican presidential frontrunner, Donald Trump, believes President Obama is an American, a group of concerned citizens has demanded that Mr. Trump submit to a DNA test to determine if he is indeed human. “We’re not really sure if Trump is a member of the human race,” said Christy Combs, leader of the group. “I mean, if this person, and I use the word loosely, could become our next president, we want to make sure he is not some space alien sent down to takeover the world.”

When asked what makes the group question Mr. Trump’s humanness, Combs replied, “We’re all very scared. He seems to have a strange power over people. We’ve been watching and listening to Trump on the campaign trail and none of us have heard anything human-like come out of his mouth; no inkling of humanity, if you know what I mean. In addition, we’ve conferred with some of the top scientists and naturalists about Trump’s hair and all have given the same answer, “never quite encountered hair like that in the natural world.”

The group is also concerned about Mr. Trump’s strange facial expressions and the unusual way his lips contort while speaking. All signs, say the group members, that Trump could be an extraterrestrial.

When reached for comment, the Trump camp shrugged off the group’s request as “total nonsense.” Said campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, “Donald Trump is 100% human. He was born in Queens, New York to human parents. If they want to see the birth certificate, we will gladly provide it.”

When told of the offer, Ms. Combs would have none of it, saying, “And how do we know the certificate is not fake? Answer me that? No, nothing short of a DNA test, analyzed by top doctors and scientists, will satisfy us.”

Bill Spreckels, a group member, is convinced Trump has a spaceship buried in one of his many properties. “Mar-A-Lago” would be the most obvious site. I propose we hire a construction crew to dig up the place,” said Spreckels.

Ed Swoboda, professional comedian and group member, observed,” If Trump is from outer space, he is not only an alien but an illegal one at that! Now that’s rich!”

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