Alabama has updated its science standards so that science is taught in science class. Beginning in 2016, Alabama students will be required to understand the theory of evolution, even though they will not be required to accept the theory.

Unlike current practice, where students rely solely on memorization of facts from textbooks, teachers will now be required to let students figure out things on their own through observation and experimentation, just like real scientists.

Already, however, these new guidelines are causing a stir in the deeply religious Bible Belt state.

Many teachers are objecting to the teaching of evolution as it conflicts with their deeply held religious beliefs. Taking their cue from Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk who is refusing to issue marriage licenses to same sex couples because of her religious beliefs, these teachers are ready to fight for their faith.

“God created man in his image. That’s what the Good Book says. I have a moral objection to teaching kids they evolved from apes,” said Lucinda Babbett. The 11^th grade science teacher said this is not what she signed up for when she took the job of science teacher.

“When I was hired by my school district, the teaching of evolution was optional. Now it’s mandatory? You can’t change rules mid stream. It’s unfair, “ claimed Babbett.

Republican presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee, has already pledged to take up the cause of the defiant teachers. “They should only follow the law if they think it is right. And this new law is wrong. It goes against God’s teaching. I’m a firm believer we all descended from Adam and Eve,” said Huckabee.

As the new rule does not go into effect until 2016, there is still time for the affected teachers to seek an accommodation from the state legislature. Failing that, there is always the option of a lawsuit.

“I am prepared to go to jail, just like Kim” said a rebellious Lucinda Babbett. “If that’s what God wants, that’s what I’ll do.”

It is believed that when the new science guidelines go into effect, there will be a mass “exodus” from the public schools and a dramatic increase in homeschooling.

The “king of the insult comedians,” Don Rickles, has endorsed Donald Trump for president. The 89-year-old comic believes Trump is the right man for the job. Rickles observed, “He’s the fearless kind of guy we need as the leader of the free world. Who else has hair like that and has the nerve to be seen in public?”

When asked if he truly believed Trump had a chance against the other, more established candidates, Rickles replied, “ He’s got as good a chance as any of those other hockey pucks … and punkette. Carly Fiorina, now there’s a face only Stevie Wonder could love!”

Asked if Trump could win a presidential contest against the Democratic front-runner, Hillary Clinton, Rickles quipped, “Hey if the woman can’t satisfy Slick Willie, how can she satisfy America?”

Rickles revealed he has been a friend of the Trump family for over 65 years. “I remember Donnie when he was just a little snot nosed kid sitting on his mama’s lap. Even back then I could see the brilliant mind and potential greatness. In grammar school, he used to pay a few pennies to this big kid, Bruno, to bully the faggy kids out of their lunch money.”

When asked if Trump has the temperament to deal with other world leaders, Rickles snapped,” Oh sure! You put him in a room with Putin and I’m telling you there’d be a price toupee! Get it? Folks, I got a million of ‘em!”

On a more serious note, the lifelong Democrat, also known as “Mr. Warmth,” was asked why he was supporting a Republican. “Hey, some of my best friends have been Republican. Did you know Sinatra was a closet Republican? But the real reason? We insult comics stick together.”

Photo | ticketmaster.com

Yesterday, former Texas Gov. Rick Perry announced the end of his 2016 presidential campaign at an event in St. Louis, Missouri.

“Unlike my 2012 run, I tried my best this time around,” said the weary-looking Republican. “I studied up real hard on foreign policy, domestic policy, you name it, but it wasn’t good enough.” Perry’s ranking in most national polls never got above 2%.

Perry stated there were three reasons why he was abandoning his quest for the presidency.

“One,” said Perry, “my campaign is flat broke. I just don’t have the guns to go up against the big boys … and girl. I’m not a billionaire like Donald Trump. Two, the whole glasses thing didn’t work. It seemed like a good idea at the time but no one bought that I was smarter than the last go-round. And three, ah, ah, and three…I forgot. Oops!”

Members from the audience tried to help the forgetful Perry by shouting out potential third reasons. “You’re just not presidential material?” someone offered. “You’re just another Texas dim-wit?” was also heard.

After apologizing to the audience for another “oops” moment, Perry observed, “”We have a tremendous field – the best in a generation – so I step aside knowing our party is in good hands, and as long as we listen to the grassroots, the cause of conservatism will be too.”

When Perry was asked if he would be endorsing any of the remaining candidates, he replied coyly, “I may endorse Jeb or Scott or Carly or Marco. I’ll have to wait to see what my handlers tell me.”

Photo | Reuters

In a shocking new MM survey, Donald Trump has come in a distant second in Republican voters’ choice for presidential nominee. The Trump camp immediately dismissed the new polling as an outlier. The most amazing part of this new MM poll is that Trump is losing to a hypothetical candidate!

When asked to choose among the 17 declared Republican candidates plus this new, non-existent candidate, Trump comes in with 27% of the vote to the imaginary candidate’s whooping 51%. Who is this Trump-buster Moron Majority added to the list of candidates? Voters were given the choice of selecting,  “Any Juan other than these Bozos.”

Here are the full results of the MM survey:

“Any Juan other than these Bozos”….51%

Donald Trump….27%

Ben Carson….13%

Carly Fiorina….3%

Jeb Bush….2%

Scot Walker….1%

Ted Cruz….1%

Marco Rubio….1%

John Kasich….1%

Chris Christie….0%

Lindsey Graham….0%

Rick Perry….0%

Rick Santorum….0%

Bobby Jindal….0%

Mike Huckabee….0%

George Pataki….0%

Jim Gilmore….0%

Rand Paul….0%

Surprisingly, the new poll revealed that all factions of the conservative Republican base would embrace the hypothetical candidate. Pundits are predicting the new poll may give Mitt Romney the encouragement needed to make a third try for the presidency.

Editor’s Note: It appears a significant typo was made in formulating the survey. Our apologies.

Image courtesy of vectorolie at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

You have to hand it to old Dick. When it comes to admitting the Iraq War was one of the biggest blunders of all time, he’s as stubborn as a mule about wearing a suit and tie! To this day, he defends the Iraqi invasion as a “good idea”. Facts simply do not faze the man.

“I was a strong advocate of going into Iraq,” said Cheney during a PBS interview. “I think that was the right decision then, and I still believe that today.”

Cheney has that rare gift of shutting out reality and making the insane seem rational. He is still spinning one of the worst foreign policy debacles in American history into something worthwhile. Here is a list of other man-made disasters and how a wily Cheney would have spun them to make you think otherwise.

Sinking of the Titanic – “The goal of the maiden voyage was to create world-wide excitement and press coverage. I think they accomplished those goals.”

Hindenburg Disaster – “In theory, there is nothing wrong with filling an 800 foot-long balloon with hydrogen. If that guy in first class hadn’t ordered the flaming Baked Alaska, everything would have been fine!”

Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire – “I see nothing wrong with the owners locking the doors to the stairwells and exits. How else are you going to prevent workers from taking unauthorized breaks?”

Deep Water Horizon Oil Spill – “I’m an oil man and I can tell you there is nothing wrong with offshore drilling. Ocean water is liquid, so is oil. What’s the problem?”

Caitlyn Jenner – “ I don’t think he/she looks that bad!

Perhaps Paul Simon had Dick Chaney in mind when he penned this lyric from The Boxer: “The man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest… lie-la-lie …”

Photo | en.wikipedia.org

With the odds of Donald Trump becoming the Republican Party’s 2016 presidential standard-bearer growing by the day, speculation has centered on whom Trump might choose as his running mate. A top Trump adviser, who chooses to remain anonymous, has revealed Clint Eastwood as the consensus choice among the billionaire’s inner circle.

“Donald was so impressed by the speech Eastwood gave at the 2012 Republican National Convention. He rocked the room! That whole shtick with the chair was absolutely brilliant!” said the adviser.

Eastwood made an unannounced appearance at the 2012 convention, where Mitt Romney was nominated the Party’s presidential hopeful. His speech was mostly an improvised comedy routine where he addressed an empty chair representing President Obama. Eastwood implied that Obama (the chair) had uttered profanities directed both at Romney and himself, saying, “What do you want me to tell Romney? I can’t tell him to do that, he can’t do that to himself.”

While Eastwood’s performance was well received by the convention delegates, many critics thought the speech was “rambling and incoherent.”

Movie critic Roger Ebert, a big Eastwood fan, commented, “Clint, my hero, is coming across as sad and pathetic. He didn’t need to do this to himself. It’s unworthy of him”

When asked why an Eastwood pick makes sense, the adviser said, “Clint is a national hero. He’s tough, tells it like it is, just like Donald, and he has some political experience.” Clint Eastwood served as mayor of Carmel, a village in California of about 3500 residents.

When it was brought out that Eastwood’s tough guy image is just his acting persona; a role he plays, the adviser replied, “Look at Ronald Reagan. He basically played the role of president for eight years and today he is considered a saint. The public isn’t that sophisticated, and frankly, they don’t care. The perception is the reality.”

Judging by how Donald Trump, the TV celebrity, has enthralled all sectors of the Republican base, the adviser may be on to something.

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Now that Kim Davis has spent her first night in a Kentucky county jail for refusing to obey a court order, her three prior husbands, Bobby Joe Klinger, Billy Scruggs, Jr. and Lester Pyle have come to her defense.

“I just want to say we all support our ex-wife,” said Klinger, who is acting as the group’s spokesman. “We still love Kim. Yes, we were all hurt by her but, through the love of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, we have found the strength to forgive her.” It seems Klinger needed the most strength, as Davis fathered twins by her third husband, Pyle, while still married to Bobby Joe.

“Kim has always been a strong woman,” Klinger went on to say. “Her belief in traditional marriage is so strong that she’s been through the holy sacrament four times. Now that shows true dedication and conviction in my book.”

“I know the Lord works in mysterious ways. If not for Kim divorcing us, we never would have ended up as good friends. Billy, Lester and me all bowl on the same team at Happy Valley Lanes. We like to share stories about being married to that amazing woman.”

Klinger announced the launch of a new website created by the trio, supportourex.com. “The purpose of the website is to raise money in support of our ex. While her lawyers are defending her free of charge, she still needs money for incidentals. Plus, as someone who has been in that county jail, I can tell you the food is downright nasty! We want to give Kim the change to order her favorite takeout.”

Her current husband, Orville Davis, is also supporting his wife in her principled stance on the sanctity of traditional marriage.” My wife is being persecuted for standing up for her religious beliefs. She’s prepared to be a martyr for as long as it takes… although I would like her home soon. The trailer is getting a little messy.”

Most of the Republican presidential candidates are defending Mrs. Davis.

The most forceful defense has come from Gov. Mike Huckabee. On Tuesday he said, “I spoke with Kim Davis this morning to offer my prayers and support. I let her know how proud I am of her for not abandoning her religious convictions and standing strong for religious liberty. She is showing more courage and humility than just about any federal office holder in Washington.”

The only two Republican candidates who believe Kim Davis should quit her job or follow the law are Sen. Lindsey Graham and Carly Fiorina. Some political observers have said the two have the luxury of being reasonable and sane, as they have no chance of ever securing the Republican presidential nomination.

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Editor’s note: This article is fictional. The fact is that, while Davis has indeed been married four times, she twice married the same husband… #2 is now #4. Got it?

It’s time for a reality check. While Donald Trump, so far, is dominating the polls and media coverage, it is way too early in the race to pronounce him a winner. Now that the election season is starting to get serious, expect some disquieting facts to surface about Mr. Trump. People in the know are saying once these facts come out, Trump’s chances of becoming President, let alone the Republican presidential nominee, are what Jay Z might label “slimmer than that chick in Calvin Klein pants.”

Here are the top 10 reasons why there will never be a President Trump:

1. Secret sex tape with Justin Bieber made public
2. That thing on is head is the pelt of an endangered species
3. Al Sharpton was Trump’s best man at his first wedding
4. He hooked up with Hillary while at Wharton
5. He cheats at golf
6. He fathered out of wedlock Mexican twins, Julian and Joaquin
7. He fixed the 1970 Miss Universe pageant in favor of Miss Puerto Rico
8. He is a closeted Deadhead
9. He palled around with the Dalai Lama
10. There just aren’t enough morons

Yes, I know, Trump has been called the “Teflon Donald” (see Trump’s Secret Weapon Revealed) by many savvy pundits; yes, there are some serious allegations about to be slung; and yes, his loyal followers will forgive and dismiss almost anything their savior says or does. But I can say with confidence, as someone who plays the game, even his most diehard supporters will never forgive him for cheating at golf!

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Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

In an effort to get down to the bottom of a swirling controversy (Trump’s hair), I was able to track down and interview Donald Trump’s hair stylist, Angelina Scapaticci, at her Fifth Avenue salon.

“Ms. Scapaticci,” I asked, “how long have you been cutting Mr. Trump’s hair?”

“Oh, I no cut Signore Trump’s hair, I style the hair,” answered the lovely 30 year old hairdresser. “My pappa Enzo cuts the hair. I just do the blow. How you say, giva the hair personality.”

“But you can confirm the hair is real, right?” I asked.

“Oh, yessa, the hair is real. It’s very nica en soft. I pulla very hard with the comb en nothing come off,” replied Ms. Scapaticci.

Realizing she was not the best candidate to confirm Trump’s hair was a living, breathing thing, I asked if I could speak with her father, Enzo.

“Oh, no. Pappa no here. He only have one cliente, Signore Trump. He make appuntamento.” answered Ms. Scapaticci.

“Your father only has Mr. Trump as a customer?” I asked.

“Oh yessa, Signore Trump is a very good tipper,” replied Scapaticci.

“But you’ve seen your father cut his hair, is that correct?” I pressed.

“Oh, no. They usa the backroom. Itsa part of the contratto,” Ms. Scappaticci informed me.

“Contract?” I asked.

“Oh yessa. My father cannot cutta no one else hair and he cant’ talk about Mr. Trump to nobody. How you say, itsa part of a non-disclosure agreamenta,” revealed the stylist.

“So I can’t talk to your father?” I asked.

“Oh no, impossibile!” replied Scapaticci.

“Ms. Scapaticci, I can’t help but notice your accent. Where are you from, Italy?” I inquired.

“Oh yessa, my father and me come from Italia 10 years ago on a visita. We never go back. How you say, we illegal immigrante.” admitted the stylist.

“Does Mr. Trump know your immigration status?” I asked.

“Oh yessa. He help me and my pappa get all the right paper to work here in the shoppa,” answered Scapaticci. “Such a nica man!”

Well, I learned two things; Trump can be selective in who he wants to deport and , according to Scapaticci,  Donald Trump’s hair is real … but whose real hair it is may never be known.

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Image courtesy of marin at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Say what you will about Donald Trump … he’s an egotist, a carnival barker, a mouth without a brain … there is no denying he, unlike the other mainstream Republican presidential candidates, has been able bring all the disparate factions of the Republican base into one fold … his!

In a recent MM survey, all the different factions that make up today’s Republican Party viewed Trump favorably. No other Republican presidential candidate came close to the billionaire real estate tycoon. Following is a list of the many groups that comprise the base of the GOP, listed from largest to smallest. A word of caution and clarification … many of these groups overlap with one another.

Republican Base

Evangelicals

Tea Baggers

Xenophobes

Gun toters

KKK

White Supremacists

Neo-Nazis

Psychopaths

Homophobes

Red Necks

Your average bigot

Your run-of-the-mill racist

Sadists

Half-wits

The clinically insane

White-collar criminals

What an amazing feat the king of “birtherism” has been able to accomplish!

The question remains how long can the man keep this overwhelming support from such a varied group? Can Trump ride this multilateral wave of support to the Republican nomination? I wouldn’t bet against it.

Photo | moronwatch.net