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In Trump’s Defense, Nobody Could Have Known Fighting A Pandemic Could Be So Complicated!

April 8, 2020 By John DeProspo 5 Comments

Donald Trump is a very smart man. Some people (namely, Donald Trump) have gone so far as to call him a “stable genius.”

Yet even this modern-day Einstein, who some people (namely, Donald Trump) keep telling us graduated at the top of his class at Wharton, was ambushed by the coronavirus.

The man who said recently he “should have been a doctor” due to his natural ability for science and because his “genius uncle” taught at MIT, now finds himself surrounded by a vicious virus that has attacked the country, and the world.

That such a brilliant leader, who some people (namely, Donald Trump) have praised for his “great and unmatched wisdom,” should find himself in such a difficult position is sobering.

As Trump said on Fox & Friends a little over one week ago, “Nobody could have predicted something like this.”

After all, the man is a da Vinci, not a Nostradamus!

Yet some critics are attacking Trump for his botched response to combating the virus once it hit the U.S. They say things might not have been so complicated if he just paid closer attention to the people around him.

They point to Trump’s trade advisor, Peter Navarro, who warned him in January the coronavirus crisis could cost the United States trillions of dollars and put millions of Americans at risk of illness or death.

They mention that U.S. Intelligence agencies, both in January and February, warned Trump of the nature and scope of the virus, and China’s apparent downplaying of its severity, as well as the potential need for the government to take measures to contain it.

They even bring up Dr. Anthony Fauci, the country’s top infectious disease specialist, who warned in early 2017 that a “surprise outbreak” would occur during Trump’s time in office, and that more needed to be done to prepare for a pandemic.

What Trump’s critics fail to understand, however, is that Donald Trump, who some people say has the “highest IQ” (namely, Donald Trump), has a plan for stopping the spread of the deadly virus. And someday, in his abundant wisdom, he will tell it to the American people.

Photo | insider.com/ Shealah Craighead/White House

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: botched response, coronavirus, Donald Trump, fighting virus, genius, pandemic, satire, so complicated, unmatched wisdom, warnings

Markets Rise Dramatically Following Trump’s Sudden Resignation

March 18, 2020 By John DeProspo 3 Comments

Reprint from moronmajority.com

The Dow Industrial Average gained a staggering 9,000 points following the unexpected White House announcement Trump has resigned the presidency. Stocks recovered nearly all their recent losses since setting their all-time high of 29,551.42 on February 12, 2020.

In a tweet, Trump indicated he made the move because he felt it to be in the best interests of the country:

I hereby resign the Office of President of the United States. For the good of the country, the office will now be in the capable hands of President Mike Pence and his awesome pardoning powers.

This is indeed an ironic turn following Trump’s often repeated prediction the markets would “crash” if he were ever to be removed from office.

It was only six months ago Trump boasted in a tweet, “Do you think it was luck that got us to the best Stock Market and Economy in our history. It wasn’t.”

 My, oh my, how things can turn on a dime!

The soon-to-be-president Pence has yet to comment on the dramatic turn of events. It appears the announcement caught him, as it did all Americans, by surprise.

“I had no forewarning … really, I mean it,” said Pence.

Speculation is already rampant of what a Pence presidency, and Kushner vice presidency, will look like.

Photo | slopes.com/AP-Evan Vucci

Warning – this could be “fake” nooze

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: Donald Trump, markets, President Pence, resignation, rise, satire, stock market

Americans Shudder At The Thought Of A Socialist In The White House

February 13, 2020 By John DeProspo 4 Comments

The self-proclaimed socialist, Bernie Sanders, has been declared the winner of the nation’s first Democratic primary held in New Hampshire.  And depending on who you ask, he either finished first or second in the first caucus state, Iowa.

The prospect of a socialist roaming the halls of the White House is downright scary to not only Republicans … but some Democrats, as well.

For those not familiar with the Sanders socialist agenda, here are a few of his most radical, far-left, extremist ideas:

  1. The U.S. should adopt universal healthcare paid by the federal government, just like those socialist hotbeds, Canada and Scandinavian countries.
  2. A college degree should be free at public colleges and universities, arguing that class equality is impossible if a majority of Americans don’t have access to a college education.
  3. The minimum wage should be $15 per hour, up from 2009’s $7.25, suggesting that no one who works 40 hours a week should be impoverished.
  4. Tax the rich so they pay their fair share of taxes through a series of tax hikes and fees, mostly levied on the wealthiest Americans.
  5. $1 trillion should be spent on infrastructure projects that would create 13 million jobs over the course of five years.
  6. Protect the environment by phasing out fossil fuels, calling for an expansive “Green New Deal”

With far-out policies like that, it’s no wonder many Americans are so nervous about a Bernie Sanders presidency!

But as Donald Trump has empathically vowed, “America will never be a socialist country – ever.”

However, Trump, as usual, is only partly right. America already is a socialist country. But it’s socialism for the very rich and the harsh effects of capitalism for everyone else.

And, by God, all liberty-loving Americans aim to keep it that way!

Photo | nationalreview.com

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: 2020, agenda, Bernie Sanders, Donald Trump, electability, election, liberal, president, sarcasm, Socialism, socialist, socialist agenda

After Bombshell Bolton Book Leak, Publisher Wants Full Return Of Advance

January 26, 2020 By John DeProspo 3 Comments

Reprint from moronmajority.com

According to an unpublished manuscript of John Bolton’s upcoming book obtained by the New York Times, the former National Security Advisor claims Donald Trump directly told him he would withhold military aid to Ukraine until Ukrainian President Zelensky agreed to deliver politically motivated investigations into the Bidens.

This may be good news for Democrats seeking to compel Bolton’s testimony in Trump’s impeachment trial but it is very bad news for Bolton.

It has been reported that Bolton’s multi-million dollar book deal with Simon & Schuster carried a whopping $2 million advance. The publisher now wants the money returned.

A spokesperson for Simon & Schuster says the value of the book was based on Bolton’s explanation of the “drug deal” he purportedly told Fiona Hill about, of which he wanted no part. Many assumed the comment related to the scheme Gordon Sondland and Mick Mulvaney were cooking up to pressure Zelensky into announcing investigations into the Bidens, Burisma. 

“The cat’s out of the bag,” said the spokesperson. “Who would want to read the book now?”

A close friend of the former Trump advisor has revealed Bolton doesn’t have the money, having spent it all on a high-tech security system for his Bethesda, Maryland home and on 24-hour bodyguards.

Photo | france24.com/abcnews.go.com

Warning – this could be “fake” nooze!

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: Bidens, bombshell, book, Burma, John Bolton, leak, New York Times, satire, trump, unpublished manuscript

Mitch McConnell Ditches John Roberts In Favor Of New Presiding Judge

January 19, 2020 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

Reprint from moronmajority.com

In a last-minute move that surprised no one, Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, has relieved Chief Justice John Roberts of his role as presiding judge at the Trump impeachment trial in favor of Captain Kangaroo.

McConnell’s desperate maneuver has confirmed what many had feared … he has turned the solemn Congressional responsibility of conducting a fair impeachment trial into a Kangaroo court.

But in a totally unexpected turn that has stunned McConnell, Judge Kangaroo has stated that “a trial without witnesses or documents is a sham trial … a fake trial. My court will not countenance such a clear disregard of its legal and ethical obligations.”

So now, look for the Democrats to get their wish list of potential witnesses … John Bolton, Mick Mulvaney, Lev Parnas, Stormy Daniels, the two Michaels … Cohen and Moore and Chrissy Teigen.

Photo | cbs.com

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: Captain Kangaroo, Donald Trump, impeachment, kangaroo court, Mitch McConnell, satire, witnesses

As Senate Trial Nears, Trump Set To Call Three Character Witnesses

January 14, 2020 By John DeProspo Leave a Comment

Reprint from moronmajority.com

We learned today from Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, that Trump’s impeachment trial may start as early as next Tuesday.

Word has it Donald Trump’s legal team is scrambling to prepare his defense. At the suggestion of Trump’s personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, three character witnesses will be called by Trump’s legal team to vouch for his good reputation and moral character: Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un and Recep Erdogan.

Putin, it is being reported, is prepared to say Trump is the model of honesty and probity. In the past, Putin has called Trump, “Greatest U.S.A. president.”

Trump’s love affair with the Korean leader, Kim Jong-un, is well documented. It is expected Kim will repeat his description of Trump as “a most wonderful, handsome and loving dear leader.”

Turkey president Erdogan is also a big fan of Donald Trump. He called Trump, “Allah’s gift to Turkey” after the impulsive commander-in-chief abandoned our allies, the Kurds, in Syria.

Yet some are already questioning the Giuliani-inspired tactic. They point out the three men are obviously beholden to Trump for various favors afforded them in the past. And, oh yes, they are all despots!

Nonetheless, the three strongmen are held in such high esteem by nearly all the Republican senators who will act as jurors at Trump’s impeachment trial that it seems well worth the effort, according to one of Trump’s most trusted advisors, son-in-law Jared Kushner.

Photo | salon.com

Warning – this could be “fake” nooze

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: character witnesses, Donald Trump, Erdogan, impeachment, Kim Jong-un, Putin, Republicans, Rudy Giuliani, satire, Senate, trial

Trump Asks Supreme Court To Rule Constitution Unconstitutional

January 11, 2020 By John DeProspo Leave a Comment

Reprint from moronmajority.com

Donald Trump is a very bright man. He has a prestigious Ivy League degree and is constantly reminding everyone how much of a stable genius he is.

So, it didn’t take all that long for Trump to solve one of his most vexing problems.

“It seems like everyone is always telling me I can’t do this or that because of the Constitution,” said Trump at a recent impromptu press gathering. “This goes totally against my powers as president of the United States.”

“Today I am asking the Supreme Court to declare the Constitution unconstitutional. This is all on good advice from my personal attorney, Rudy Giuliani,” Trump went on to say.

Trump’s request may not be so farfetched. Giuliani has recently written a piece in the Daily Caller arguing that the Supreme Court should rule Trump’s impeachment unconstitutional. So why not go one step further?

Trump’s logic is simple: The Supreme Court has the power to declare anything unconstitutional. The Constitution prevents me from carrying out my agenda. The Constitution therefore needs to be declared unconstitutional.

Trump believes there is a good chance the Court will toss out the revered founding document now that he has added two new allies, Gorsuch and Kavanaugh, to the bench.

“In this country,“ opined Trump, “the Supreme Court has the final say as to what’s constitutional and what’s not. I’m confident Neil and Brett, along with the other conservative justices, will rule in may favor.”

Said daughter Ivanka, “My dad is a great businessman but he would have also made an excellent lawyer. His analytical thinking is so amazing!”

Trump’s Republican supporters in both the House and Senate are refusing comment on this latest development. 

Photo | gannet/usatoday.com

Warning – this could be “fake” nooze

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: Constitution, Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, satire, Supreme Court, unconstitutional

Trump Wonders Why He Can’t “Eliminate” His Enemies With Impunity … Like His Pals

January 10, 2020 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

Reprint from moronmajority.com

Donald Trump has been getting an incredible amount of blowback over the killing of Iran’s top military general, Qasem Soleimani.  It’s not only his political opponents that have questioned Trump’s provocative action. Even members of his own party, namely Matt Gaetz and Mike Lee, have criticized Trump’s decision to potentially risk the start of another Middle East war.

“Why am I being treated like this,” Trump asked at a recent White House meeting. “It’s not fair. I eliminated a very bad man. I should be praised for doing this.”

A White House source said that Trump is baffled as to why he is not being respected like other strongmen who act decisively to take out their enemies. According to the source, Trump said, “At least I don’t target my political enemies, or family members, for that matter!”

The White House tipster revealed that when an administration official reminded Trump he is not a dictator, Trump angrily replied, “I’m the president of the United States and the Constitution lets me do whatever I want.”

Regrettably, but understandably, no one at the meeting had the temerity to disabuse Trump of that notion.

It is being reported that Trump has received some much welcomed support for his bold action against Iran from four of this favorite autocrats, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un, Recep Tayyip Erdogan and Mohammed bin Salman. But instead of sending a letter, like Vladimir, Mohammed and Recep, Kim sent a beautiful card.

Photo | slate.com

Warning – this could be “fake” nooze

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: autocrats, dictators, Donald Trump, Erdogan, Iran, Jong-un, killing, Middle East, Mohammed bin Salam, Putin, Qasem Soleimani, satire

Trump Reportedly Upset Over Low Iranian Bounty Offer

January 6, 2020 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

Reprint from moronmajority.com

Following the killing of Iranian military General Qassem Soleimani, Iran has issued an $80 million bounty on Donald Trump’s head.

According to White House sources, Trump is infuriated with this latest move out of Iran. No, not that a bounty was placed on him, but because of the low dollar amount.

“I’m the most powerful man on the face of the Earth and this is all I’m worth?” Trump supposedly said. “They should be talking billions, not millions.”

When Iran’s Supreme leader, Ali Khamenei, heard of Trump’s remarks, he made the “leader of the free world” a new offer. “Show us your tax returns and we will reconsider the bounty offer.”

Unfortunately for Trump, he will not be able to comply with the Ayatollah’s demand as his returns are currently under audit.

Photo | abcnews.go.com

Warning – this could be “fake” nooze

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: $80 million, bounty, Donald Trump, Iran, satire, too low

Trump Christmas Gift To Melania? Chia Pet

December 27, 2019 By John DeProspo Leave a Comment

Reprint from moronmajority.com

Just one day before Christmas, Donald Trump revealed he had not yet bought a present for the First Lady.

During a Christmas Eve video conference call to troops stationed overseas, when asked by a soldier what gift he had gotten Melania, Trump confessed he had not gotten her anything … yet:

“That’s a tough question …. I got her a beautiful card. … A lot of love. We love our family, and we love each other. We’ve had a great relationship, hopefully like you do with your spouses. … I’m still working on a Christmas present. There’s a little time left. Not much, but a little time left.”

It was widely speculated Trump did not buy Melania a gift. 

Trump has previously acknowledged his shortcomings in finding gifts for his wife. You may recall, in a Fox interview in 2018, Trump admitted he only gifted a “beautiful card” to his wife for her birthday.

Naturally, everyone thought Trump had stiffed Melania again.

But not so fast! News filtered out of the White House today that Trump did indeed buy Melania a Christmas present… a Chia Pet!

We’ve all been there. You wait until the last minute to buy a Christmas present when you suddenly realize all the good stuff has sold out. So, what do you buy? Yep, that good old-fashioned staple … Ch-Ch-Ch Chia!

In a strange twist, Trump bought Melania a Chia Pet of himself … it being the only product style to not have completely sold out at the Walmart where Trump had shopped.

Photo | Chia.com

Warning – this could be “fake”nooze!

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: Chia Pet, Christmas, Donald Trump, First Lady, gift, Melania, present, satire

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