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Alabama Zygotes Take Advantage Of New Status

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

Having been declared “persons” under Alabama’s newly passed “heartbeat” law, zygotes have begun to utilize their newfound status. They are organizing.

A spokesperson for the zygotes states they have banded together to press Alabama legislators to enact stricter gun control laws. “The zygotes fear they may be the victims of gun violence once they leave the safety of the womb,” said the spokesperson.

Unfortunately, the zygotes lack the necessary funds to successfully lobby lawmakers. Many are applying for social security cards in order to qualify for public assistance. “Most want gainful employment,“ said the spokesperson,” but they haven’t developed any skills. Some cruelly mock the zygotes by pointing out they haven’t developed … period.”

Still the zygotes are thankful for the new law that redefines an “unborn child, child or person” as “a human being, specifically including an unborn child in utero at any stage of development, regardless of viability.”

Zygotes in other states considering “personhood” laws are taking notice. If they get their rights, like their Alabama brothers and sisters, this could have serious implications for gun control efforts and the continued viability of the NRA.

Photo | wisegeek.com

 

Moore Will Concede … When God Tells Him To

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Two days after having lost the Alabama special election, Republican Roy Moore has yet to concede.

On election night, Moore stated that “when the vote is this close, that it’s not over.” He added he would “wait on God and let this process play out.”

True to form, Moore is letting everyone know whom he answers to. It is not the people of Alabama or their manmade laws. It is the word of the Almighty.

Asked it he would concede after Alabama Secretary of State John Merrill certifies the final vote count, Moore answered in a way that surely will please his Christian conservative base, “Hell no!”

“I get my marching orders from God. Until he tells me to do something, I will wait. He hasn’t told me to throw in the towel yet. I know one thing, God works in mysterious ways,“ said Moore.

Democrat Doug Jones, the newly elected Senator from Alabama, said there was “no doubt” in his mind about the election results. He said Moore would “do well to go ahead and let’s get this behind us.”

Rep. Terri Sewell, D-Alabama, told CNN’s “New Day” yesterday morning that she has the “utmost confidence” Jones “won outright.” She suggested Moore’s refusal to concede was a publicity stunt.

“I’m not sure what his posturing is about, other than it keeps him in the limelight and it keeps him relevant for another week,” Sewell said.

Asked when and how he receives God’s word, Moore answered that the Heavenly Father speaks to him in his sleep, adding new meaning to the phrase “I’ll sleep on it.”

Taking a page from Donald Trump’s playbook, Moore plans to hold a rally in deeply conservative Jefferson County later today.

Yes, God told him to.

“Look,” said Moore, “there’s a saying that it ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings. To a Christian, it ain’t over until God pulls the plug.”

Photo | politifact.com

Caution – elements of this article may be satirical!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Roy Moore … The Candidate With An “R” After His Name

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With Alabama’s special election for the U.S. Senate less than 10 days away, it appears Republican Roy Moore is poised for victory. Despite allegations he may be a sexual predator, voters in the Yellowhammer State are rallying around the twice-fired State Supreme Court justice.

In an effort to learn more about why Alabamians are supporting a candidate accused of pedophilia and of disobeying the United States Constitution, the Daily Nooze interviewed retired Tuscaloosa schoolteacher, Sally Sue Scruggs.

DN: “Mrs. Scruggs, you have stated that despite all the allegations against Roy Moore you will still vote for him in the upcoming election. Could you please tell us why?

Scruggs: “As you yourself just said, these are allegations. I don’t believe them. I don’t believe all the women who have come out against Judge Moore. And even if what they say is true, I forgive him. That’s the Christian thing to do.”

DN: “ So there is nothing that would stop you from voting for Mr. Moore?”

Scruggs: “No. My daddy taught me a long time ago that voting is easy. It doesn’t require much thinking. You just have to vote for the candidate with the “R” next to his name.”

DN: “So you would vote for Mr. Moore even if he were, say, a tax cheat or a convicted murderer?”

Scruggs: “I have faith that Judge Moore is not a tax cheat and he is not a convicted murderer.”

DN: “ What if Mr. Moore engaged in necrophilia?”

Scruggs: “The Bible says nothing about that … whatever it is.”

DN: “What if Mr. Moore raped your daughter in the middle of the town square?”

Scruggs: “Which daughter … my 12 year old or my 18 year old?”

With that answer, the interview came to an end.

The latest polls show Roy Moore ahead of Democrat Doug Jones just days before the Dec. 12 election. Even as the controversy around Moore continues, his numbers appear to be climbing.

As Donald Trump bluntly put it, “We don’t need a liberal person in there, a Democrat, Jones. I’ve looked at his record. It’s terrible on crime. It’s terrible on the border. It’s terrible on the military.”

And Roy Moore has an “R” after his name.

Photo | politico.com

Caution – this could be satire!

***The Daily Nooze*** – named #10 top political satire blog by blog.feedspot.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For Some Alabamians, There Is Nothing More Disgusting Than Being A Democrat

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In a recent survey, registered voters in Alabama’s Senate race found that 29% of those surveyed are more likely to vote for Republican Roy Moore after revelations he may be a sexual predator.

And now, the Republican Governor of Alabama, Kay Ivey, has announced that, even though she believes the young girls accusing Roy Moore of sexual molestation, she is going to vote for him anyway … because he is a fellow Republican.

“I’m going to cast my ballot on December the 12th, and I do believe the nominee of the party is the one I’ll vote for,” Ivey said. “I believe in the Republican Party, what we stand for, and most important, we need to have a Republican in the United States Senate to vote on things like the Supreme Court justices, other appointments the Senate has to confirm and make major decisions. So that’s what I plan to do, vote for Republican nominee Roy Moore.”

In an hilarious video that went viral a few days ago, a reporter is seen chasing a Republican down a winding staircase trying to ask him if he supports Roy Moore.

Tom Llamas of ABC News is seen repeatedly asking Alabama Rep. Mo Brooks if he believes Roy Moore over his accusers. Brooks repeats the same answer: “I believe that the Democrats will do great damage to our country on a myriad of issues.”

Brooks argued earlier this week that the conservative agenda outweighs the accusations.

“America faces huge challenges that are vastly more important than contested sexual allegations from four decades ago,” Brooks told AL.com in a text message.

So there you have it. Members of the political party that likes to sell itself as guardians of “family values” would rather vote for a known sexual creep over pulling the lever for a Democrat.

One could almost hear the arguments for supporting Jack the Ripper if he were running for office with an “R” after his name, “Yes, he may be a serial killer, but at least he is not a Democrat. He’s got my vote.”

Or how about Jeffery Dahmer? “Yes he may have an eating disorder but I will support a member of my party over a liberal, gun-hating, god-denying Democrat!”

Fortunately for the state of Alabama, and for sanity itself, Democrat Doug Jones is currently leading the serial pedophile Moore in the latest Fox News poll, 50% to 42%.

Photo | nbcnews.com

 

 

 

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