The Daily Nooze

"All the news we deem fit to print"

  • Home
  • politics
  • satire
  • breaking news
  • Archives
  • Show Your Support
  • Opinion
You are here: Home / Archives for Donald Trump

Graham On Calling Witnesses: “I Really Don’t Want To Turn The Trial Into A Circus”

January 25, 2020 By John DeProspo 6 Comments

Now that Trump’s lawyers have begun offering up their arguments against impeachment, many Democrats are saying they just made a great case for calling witnesses.

Trump’s defense team began this morning’s Senate session arguing that no one has testified they heard Trump directly demand a political quid pro quo from Ukraine or say he explicitly held up foreign aid to benefit himself.

So, wouldn’t calling witnesses with direct knowledge of the issues potentially solve the problem?

Not for Lindsey Graham. He stated, after this morning’s “brief” presentation by Trump’s lawyers, “I am more intent on ending this thing now with my vote. I really don’t want to turn the trial into a circus.”

Any person with even the slightest knowledge of trial procedure would tell you Graham has it completely backwards. A trial without witnesses IS a circus; nothing but a sham trial.

Yes, Senate Republicans have heard enough after three grueling days of arguments by the Democrats. They want to move on to other things … lunches with lobbyists and fundraising for the next election.

Having witnesses, like Bolton or Mulvaney, testify would only complicate things and make it more difficult for Senate Republicans to acquit Trump without looking like the unpatriotic, partisan hacks that they are.

Welcome to our brave new, dystopian, world of Orwellian doublespeak!

Photo | cnbc.com

Filed Under: featured, politics Tagged With: backwards, circus, Donald Trump, doublespeak, impeachment, Lindsey Graham, Orwellian, trial, witnesses

Mitch McConnell Ditches John Roberts In Favor Of New Presiding Judge

January 19, 2020 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

Reprint from moronmajority.com

In a last-minute move that surprised no one, Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, has relieved Chief Justice John Roberts of his role as presiding judge at the Trump impeachment trial in favor of Captain Kangaroo.

McConnell’s desperate maneuver has confirmed what many had feared … he has turned the solemn Congressional responsibility of conducting a fair impeachment trial into a Kangaroo court.

But in a totally unexpected turn that has stunned McConnell, Judge Kangaroo has stated that “a trial without witnesses or documents is a sham trial … a fake trial. My court will not countenance such a clear disregard of its legal and ethical obligations.”

So now, look for the Democrats to get their wish list of potential witnesses … John Bolton, Mick Mulvaney, Lev Parnas, Stormy Daniels, the two Michaels … Cohen and Moore and Chrissy Teigen.

Photo | cbs.com

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: Captain Kangaroo, Donald Trump, impeachment, kangaroo court, Mitch McConnell, satire, witnesses

Whether Bolton Testifies Or Not Really Doesn’t Matter

January 17, 2020 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

The Senate impeachment trial of Donald John Trump is scheduled to start next Tuesday under a cloud of uncertainty … will it be a real trial or a sham? Will there be witnesses? Will documents be produced?

Much is being made about the possibe testimony of John Bolton, Trump’s former national security advisor. Will he or won’t he testify? If he does, will he testify truthfully?

While it is still possible that NO witnesses will be called at Trump’s trial, a few Republican senators have expressed an interest in hearing from Bolton. Most notable among the reasonably-sounding senators is Utah’s Mitt Romney.

After Romney stated that he would be open to hearing from witnesses, in general, he was asked specifically if that included Bolton.

“Including John Bolton, yes,” said Romney. “He’s someone who I would like to hear from, and presumably I get the chance to vote for that.”

This intrigue over Bolton’s testimony is grossly puffed up, however.

It won’t matter one way or another!

Even if Bolton testifies he knew about Trump’s attempted shakedown of Ukrainian President Zelensky and tried to warn him against it, it will not sway enough Republican senators (67) to break ranks and vote to oust Trump.

Even if Bolton testifies he knew it was an illegal act, one that threatened our national security, Trump will be acquitted.

The “trial” is fixed and the outcome certain. Remember, Trump is the guy who boasted he could shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and not lose support. It turns out he wasn’t just talking about voters but also Republican politicians. Trump has made it abundantly clear over the past three years he is less of a president and more of a cult leader.

Oh yes, there may be a few Republicans who put country ahead of party but not enough to remove Trump from office.

The best Democrats can hope for is that Trump will be weakened and thrown out of office by the voters in November … and that all those vulnerable, spineless Republican senators up for reelection are similarly shown the door.

Photo | france24.com

Filed Under: featured, Opinion Tagged With: Donald Trump, impeachment, John Bolton, Mitt Romney, no difference, testimony, trial, witnesses

As Senate Trial Nears, Trump Set To Call Three Character Witnesses

January 14, 2020 By John DeProspo Leave a Comment

Reprint from moronmajority.com

We learned today from Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, that Trump’s impeachment trial may start as early as next Tuesday.

Word has it Donald Trump’s legal team is scrambling to prepare his defense. At the suggestion of Trump’s personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, three character witnesses will be called by Trump’s legal team to vouch for his good reputation and moral character: Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un and Recep Erdogan.

Putin, it is being reported, is prepared to say Trump is the model of honesty and probity. In the past, Putin has called Trump, “Greatest U.S.A. president.”

Trump’s love affair with the Korean leader, Kim Jong-un, is well documented. It is expected Kim will repeat his description of Trump as “a most wonderful, handsome and loving dear leader.”

Turkey president Erdogan is also a big fan of Donald Trump. He called Trump, “Allah’s gift to Turkey” after the impulsive commander-in-chief abandoned our allies, the Kurds, in Syria.

Yet some are already questioning the Giuliani-inspired tactic. They point out the three men are obviously beholden to Trump for various favors afforded them in the past. And, oh yes, they are all despots!

Nonetheless, the three strongmen are held in such high esteem by nearly all the Republican senators who will act as jurors at Trump’s impeachment trial that it seems well worth the effort, according to one of Trump’s most trusted advisors, son-in-law Jared Kushner.

Photo | salon.com

Warning – this could be “fake” nooze

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: character witnesses, Donald Trump, Erdogan, impeachment, Kim Jong-un, Putin, Republicans, Rudy Giuliani, satire, Senate, trial

Trump Asks Supreme Court To Rule Constitution Unconstitutional

January 11, 2020 By John DeProspo Leave a Comment

Reprint from moronmajority.com

Donald Trump is a very bright man. He has a prestigious Ivy League degree and is constantly reminding everyone how much of a stable genius he is.

So, it didn’t take all that long for Trump to solve one of his most vexing problems.

“It seems like everyone is always telling me I can’t do this or that because of the Constitution,” said Trump at a recent impromptu press gathering. “This goes totally against my powers as president of the United States.”

“Today I am asking the Supreme Court to declare the Constitution unconstitutional. This is all on good advice from my personal attorney, Rudy Giuliani,” Trump went on to say.

Trump’s request may not be so farfetched. Giuliani has recently written a piece in the Daily Caller arguing that the Supreme Court should rule Trump’s impeachment unconstitutional. So why not go one step further?

Trump’s logic is simple: The Supreme Court has the power to declare anything unconstitutional. The Constitution prevents me from carrying out my agenda. The Constitution therefore needs to be declared unconstitutional.

Trump believes there is a good chance the Court will toss out the revered founding document now that he has added two new allies, Gorsuch and Kavanaugh, to the bench.

“In this country,“ opined Trump, “the Supreme Court has the final say as to what’s constitutional and what’s not. I’m confident Neil and Brett, along with the other conservative justices, will rule in may favor.”

Said daughter Ivanka, “My dad is a great businessman but he would have also made an excellent lawyer. His analytical thinking is so amazing!”

Trump’s Republican supporters in both the House and Senate are refusing comment on this latest development. 

Photo | gannet/usatoday.com

Warning – this could be “fake” nooze

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: Constitution, Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, satire, Supreme Court, unconstitutional

Trump Wonders Why He Can’t “Eliminate” His Enemies With Impunity … Like His Pals

January 10, 2020 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

Reprint from moronmajority.com

Donald Trump has been getting an incredible amount of blowback over the killing of Iran’s top military general, Qasem Soleimani.  It’s not only his political opponents that have questioned Trump’s provocative action. Even members of his own party, namely Matt Gaetz and Mike Lee, have criticized Trump’s decision to potentially risk the start of another Middle East war.

“Why am I being treated like this,” Trump asked at a recent White House meeting. “It’s not fair. I eliminated a very bad man. I should be praised for doing this.”

A White House source said that Trump is baffled as to why he is not being respected like other strongmen who act decisively to take out their enemies. According to the source, Trump said, “At least I don’t target my political enemies, or family members, for that matter!”

The White House tipster revealed that when an administration official reminded Trump he is not a dictator, Trump angrily replied, “I’m the president of the United States and the Constitution lets me do whatever I want.”

Regrettably, but understandably, no one at the meeting had the temerity to disabuse Trump of that notion.

It is being reported that Trump has received some much welcomed support for his bold action against Iran from four of this favorite autocrats, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un, Recep Tayyip Erdogan and Mohammed bin Salman. But instead of sending a letter, like Vladimir, Mohammed and Recep, Kim sent a beautiful card.

Photo | slate.com

Warning – this could be “fake” nooze

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: autocrats, dictators, Donald Trump, Erdogan, Iran, Jong-un, killing, Middle East, Mohammed bin Salam, Putin, Qasem Soleimani, satire

Trump Reportedly Upset Over Low Iranian Bounty Offer

January 6, 2020 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

Reprint from moronmajority.com

Following the killing of Iranian military General Qassem Soleimani, Iran has issued an $80 million bounty on Donald Trump’s head.

According to White House sources, Trump is infuriated with this latest move out of Iran. No, not that a bounty was placed on him, but because of the low dollar amount.

“I’m the most powerful man on the face of the Earth and this is all I’m worth?” Trump supposedly said. “They should be talking billions, not millions.”

When Iran’s Supreme leader, Ali Khamenei, heard of Trump’s remarks, he made the “leader of the free world” a new offer. “Show us your tax returns and we will reconsider the bounty offer.”

Unfortunately for Trump, he will not be able to comply with the Ayatollah’s demand as his returns are currently under audit.

Photo | abcnews.go.com

Warning – this could be “fake” nooze

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: $80 million, bounty, Donald Trump, Iran, satire, too low

Has The Eventual Democratic Presidential Nominee Even Entered the Race Yet?

December 31, 2019 By John DeProspo 3 Comments

As many Democrats take stock in the current field of presidential hopefuls, there is a growing sense of dread. Filmmaker Michael Moore put it bluntly in a recent interview with “Democracy Now!” predicting Trump will get reelected in 2020. 

Most of my friends (well, the Democrats) feel anxious about the upcoming presidential election. There is little excitement, let alone agreement, over the current cast of players.

We have:

  • A candidate who is intelligent, well-spoken and ideologically “safe,” but who’s only 37 years old and has never been elected to statewide office (Pete Buttigieg);
  • A candidate with lots of political experience, perhaps lacking energy, who is also ideologically “safe,” but at 76 years old may have outlived his political shelf life (Joe Biden);
  • Two candidates with plenty of political experience, vigor and clear appeal, but who are far more liberal than most past nominees (Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders — also, Sanders is 78 years old).

“If only Obama could run again,” I hear my friends sigh. But the 22nd amendment to the Constitution took care of that!

But wait, an Obama can run for president … Michelle!

A growing number of Democrats, including Michael Moore, have begged Michelle Obama to run for president but the former First Lady has repeatedly closed the door on any type of political future.

And yet it does not escape many big Democratic donors that Barack Obama’s wife is the most admired woman in the country, according to Gallup polls. Meanwhile, a survey from YouGov revealed that she is the most admired woman in the world, displacing actress Angelina Jolie and even the United Kingdom’s monarch, Queen Elizabeth II.

OK, Michelle changing her mind and throwing her hat into the ring is as likely as Trump developing a moral compass. Yet it’s an interesting prospect and a wonderful dream nevertheless. 

But wait again, Michelle Obama running for president may not be as farfetched as you might think.  Tucker Carlson, that soothsayer of Fox News, remains positive Michelle will be the official nominee of the Democratic Party!

“Now, last week, the former first lady issued a statement saying that she has no interest in being president. That’s what she claimed. But there are signs that that’s not true,” Carlson said on his show.

Here’s my prediction for 2020… some new, excitement-inducing Democrat will enter the presidential race and become the party’s nominee, making it all the way to the White House or we will have President Elizabeth Warren!

Happy New Year!

Photo | wired.com

Filed Under: featured, Opinion Tagged With: 2020, candidates, Democrats, Donald Trump, Michael Moore, Michelle Obama, presidential race

Top 10 Things We Learned About Donald Trump In 2019 (And One We Already Knew)

December 27, 2019 By John DeProspo 4 Comments

As 2019 comes to a close, let us look back on some of the interesting, crazy and outright bizarre things we learned about the man who currently occupies the White House. While lots of stuff vied to make the list, here is my top 10:

  1. He is very handy with a Sharpie
  2. He thinks people need to flush 10-15 times to complete their business 
  3. He believes energy-efficient light bulbs make him look orange
  4. He reportedly does his own makeup
  5. He needs to learn how to wear a tux
  6. He said the Mueller report didn’t contain the “oranges” of the investigation
  7. He thinks Colorado borders Mexico
  8. He said Revolutionary War fighters “took over the airports”
  9. His doesn’t understand the meaning of a “perfect” phone call
  10. He is only the third U.S. president to be impeached

And, oh yes, the one thing we learned about Donald Trump long before 2019:

  1. He lies

Happy New Year to everyone, especially to those who follow, and continue to support, thedailynooze.com.

Photo | mavenroundtable.io

Filed Under: featured, Opinion Tagged With: 2019, Donald Trump, list, things we learned, top 10

Trump Christmas Gift To Melania? Chia Pet

December 27, 2019 By John DeProspo Leave a Comment

Reprint from moronmajority.com

Just one day before Christmas, Donald Trump revealed he had not yet bought a present for the First Lady.

During a Christmas Eve video conference call to troops stationed overseas, when asked by a soldier what gift he had gotten Melania, Trump confessed he had not gotten her anything … yet:

“That’s a tough question …. I got her a beautiful card. … A lot of love. We love our family, and we love each other. We’ve had a great relationship, hopefully like you do with your spouses. … I’m still working on a Christmas present. There’s a little time left. Not much, but a little time left.”

It was widely speculated Trump did not buy Melania a gift. 

Trump has previously acknowledged his shortcomings in finding gifts for his wife. You may recall, in a Fox interview in 2018, Trump admitted he only gifted a “beautiful card” to his wife for her birthday.

Naturally, everyone thought Trump had stiffed Melania again.

But not so fast! News filtered out of the White House today that Trump did indeed buy Melania a Christmas present… a Chia Pet!

We’ve all been there. You wait until the last minute to buy a Christmas present when you suddenly realize all the good stuff has sold out. So, what do you buy? Yep, that good old-fashioned staple … Ch-Ch-Ch Chia!

In a strange twist, Trump bought Melania a Chia Pet of himself … it being the only product style to not have completely sold out at the Walmart where Trump had shopped.

Photo | Chia.com

Warning – this could be “fake”nooze!

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: Chia Pet, Christmas, Donald Trump, First Lady, gift, Melania, present, satire

  • « Previous Page
  • 1
  • …
  • 7
  • 8
  • 9
  • 10
  • 11
  • …
  • 29
  • Next Page »

Recent Posts

(no title)

… [Read More...]

  • We Did It!
  • If the Unthinkable Happens Next Week, Don’t Blame Kamala Harris
  • What If Trump Had Not Accepted Biden’s Offer For An Early Debate?

Follow us online

  • Facebook

Advertisements

Navigation

  • About Us
  • Show Your Support
  • Guest Posts
  • Great Links
  • Contact

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 35 other subscribers

Copyright © 2026 The Daily Nooze.com. All Rights Reserved. "All the news we deem fit to print"™