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Tucker Carlson Leaves Fox For Higher Calling

April 24, 2023 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

Reprint from moronmajority.com

After years of being a prominent figure in the conservative media world, Tucker Carlson has made the shocking announcement that he will be leaving Fox News to pursue a new calling: the ministry.

Sources close to Carlson suggest that he is deeply troubled by the role he played in spreading fear, lies, conspiracy theories and disinformation during his time on television. He believes that he has a responsibility to atone for his sins and to help undo the harm he’s caused. 

“He’s been struggling with this for a while,” said a source who spoke on condition of anonymity. “He’s been talking to pastors and other religious leaders, trying to find a way to make things right.”

According to those same sources, Carlson’s decision to leave Fox News was motivated by his fear of going to hell.

“He’s always been a deeply religious person,” the source said. “But he’s been feeling more and more guilty about what he’s done. He’s worried that he’s going to spend eternity paying for the division he’s caused in our country.”

While some may be skeptical of Carlson’s sudden conversion, those who know him best say that he is sincere in his desire to repent and make amends.

“He’s a man of conviction,” said one friend. “He’s always been passionate about what he believes, and now he’s applying that passion to his faith.”

As for Fox News, the network is reportedly in a state of shock over Carlson’s sudden departure. After all, “Tucker Carlson Tonight” was the highest-rated cable news show for years. Fox has already started conducting a nationwide search to find a new host who is willing to take on the responsibility of spreading hate and lies to the American public.

“Whoever replaces Tucker is going to have some big shoes to fill,” said one Fox executive. “We need someone who can lie with conviction and fear-monger with the best of them.”

A replacement, however, might not be so difficult for Fox News to find. There are plenty of unscrupulous “newsmen” out there who have no fear of eternal damnation and would gladly sell their souls for some mega bucks.

As for Friar Tucker, our thoughts and prayers are with you, man!

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: fox news, higher calling, part ways, resignation, satire, the ministry, Tucker Carlson

Markets Rise Dramatically Following Trump’s Sudden Resignation

March 18, 2020 By John DeProspo 3 Comments

Reprint from moronmajority.com

The Dow Industrial Average gained a staggering 9,000 points following the unexpected White House announcement Trump has resigned the presidency. Stocks recovered nearly all their recent losses since setting their all-time high of 29,551.42 on February 12, 2020.

In a tweet, Trump indicated he made the move because he felt it to be in the best interests of the country:

I hereby resign the Office of President of the United States. For the good of the country, the office will now be in the capable hands of President Mike Pence and his awesome pardoning powers.

This is indeed an ironic turn following Trump’s often repeated prediction the markets would “crash” if he were ever to be removed from office.

It was only six months ago Trump boasted in a tweet, “Do you think it was luck that got us to the best Stock Market and Economy in our history. It wasn’t.”

 My, oh my, how things can turn on a dime!

The soon-to-be-president Pence has yet to comment on the dramatic turn of events. It appears the announcement caught him, as it did all Americans, by surprise.

“I had no forewarning … really, I mean it,” said Pence.

Speculation is already rampant of what a Pence presidency, and Kushner vice presidency, will look like.

Photo | slopes.com/AP-Evan Vucci

Warning – this could be “fake” nooze

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: Donald Trump, markets, President Pence, resignation, rise, satire, stock market

Could Trump’s Health Hold The Key To Exit Strategy?

October 26, 2019 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

Dana Milbank, in today’s Washington Post, writes about various impeachment defenses Donald Trump could employ. One of those dodges is for Trump to simply say, “You can’t impeach me – because I quit.”

The idea of Trump resigning makes a lot of sense. But Trump would never just cut and run. That could make him look like a loser. No, what Trump needs is a good excuse so that such an exit strategy will be viewed as him having no other choice.

Trump can’t do what many politicians do when facing difficult situations. He can’t leave office (or not seek reelection) because he wants to spend more time with his family!

No. The best exit strategy for Trump is to employ the services of a medical professional.

Hear me out. What if Trump says he is going to visit Dr. Harold Bornstein, his personal doctor for over 36 years, for a complete physical examination? What if the doctor “finds” Trump’s three years in office have taken a major toll on his health … that the anxiety caused by the mean-spirited Democrats and their fake impeachment has caused Trump some serious stress-related conditions? What if the good doctor strongly advices Trump to leave office for the sake of his physical and mental wellbeing?

Trump’s children would play a big role in this scenario. Acting the concerned offspring, they could implore their ailing dad to leave office for a more peaceful and tranquil life of full-time golf.

Trump’s base would be very understanding if Trump’s doctor advised him to give up the presidency for the sake of his now shaky health.

Dr. Bornstein would be the perfect doctor to document the serious physical deterioration that has befallen Trump since taking office.

If you remember, Bornstein famously wrote, “”If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency,”

Yes, he was a perfect physical specimen when elected but the Democrats and all the other “haters” have so beaten the poor man down that he now has no choice but to heed his doctor’s advice in order to save his life.

Seems too far-fetched? Works for me!

Photo | thedailybanter.com

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: featured, Opinion Tagged With: doctor, Donald Trump, excuse, exit strategy, Harold Bornstein, health, impeachment, leave office, resignation

Will Trump Pull A Nixon And Resign?

September 28, 2019 By John DeProspo 6 Comments

Donald Trump and Richard Nixon have a lot in common. Trump, like Nixon did, hates to pay taxes. Also like Nixon, Trump hates the press. And, of course, like Tricky Dick, Trump is staring down the barrel of impeachment.

But the two men differ in one important way … unlike Trump, Nixon was not a moron (or a “f-ing moron” as more aptly put by former Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson).

Old Milhous was smart enough to know when to fold the tent and skip town. He could read the writing on the wall. Instead of facing an impeachment trial in the Senate, that was likely to succeed, he resigned from office. OK, it did help Nixon in his decision making that a bunch of influential Republicans told him he had to leave. That has not happened with Trump … yet.

Just within the last 24 hours, two newspapers, The Boston Globe and The Orlando Weekly, have come out with basically the same headline: Forget Impeachment, Trump Needs To Resign.

Today, during an appearance at the Texas Tribune Festival, Beto O’Rourke became the first Democratic presidential candidate to say Donald Trump should resign.

“The best possible path … is for this president to resign, allow this country to heal and ensure that we come back together with the greatest, most ambitious agenda we’ve ever faced, none of it possible while he remains in office,” the former El Paso congressman said during a conversation with MSNBC’s Garrett Haake at The Paramount Theatre in Austin.

No Republican has yet come out asking for Trump’s resignation. And in today’s highly partisan political environment, it is unlikely any will.

But I’m guessing even if Mitch McConnell, or Lindsey Graham or any other Trump enabler sat him down and read him the riot act, Trump would not go.

Trump has already indicated as much. Speaking of Nixon and impeachment, Trump said to Politico this past June, “He left. I don’t leave. A big difference.”

No. No matter how much public opinion, or Republican sentiment, turns against Trump in the coming days, he’s not going anywhere. This is a man who has never been concerned enough, or smart enough, to do the right thing.

Well, unless someone makes him a “beautiful” deal, protecting him and his family for any and all future liability!

Photo | pbs.org

 

 

 

Filed Under: featured, Opinion Tagged With: Donald Trump, impeachment, moron, Republicans, resign, resignation, Richard Nixon, smart

Attorney General Needs To Be DisBarred

May 2, 2019 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

After yesterday’s shameful performance in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee, and after today’s refusal to appear before the House Judiciary Committee, there are calls from many Democrats for William Barr’s resignation or impeachment.

While such demands are justified (the man flat-out lied to the American people and to Congress about the Mueller report) neither of these avenues will get rid of Barr.

William Barr will not resign. After all, he is doing exactly what he was hired to do … be Trump’s “Roy Cohn.” Said Trump during an interview on Fox Business, “He did a fantastic job today, I’m told. I got to see some of it. He did a fantastic job.”

Impeachment would almost certainly be a dead end.  The same rules apply for impeaching an attorney general as for a president. The House starts the proceedings; the Senate votes to remove. The only difference is that the trial in the Senate would be presided over by the Vice President instead of the Chief Justice.

While many legal scholars agree that Barr’s knowing misrepresentation of the Mueller report’s findings and his lying to Congress rise to the level of impeachable offenses, many believe the Republican-controlled Senate would never vote to remove him.  Harvard constitutional law professor, Laurence Tribe, doesn’t believe the process will ever get started.  Said Tribe, “While Barr’s behavior ‘might in theory’ warrant calls for removal, it ‘seems exceedingly unlikely’.”

A far better and more effective way of getting rid of the man who has no business being the people’s attorney is through disbarment.

While the Attorney General need not be a licensed lawyer to hold the position, necessity requires it. Two main duties of the Attorney General are to: 1. Represent the United States in all legal matters and 2. Furnish advice and opinions, formal and informal, on legal matters to the President and the Cabinet and to the heads of the executive departments and agencies of the government, as provided by law.

In order to represent the United States in legal matters and/or to provide legal advice, the Attorney General must be qualified to do so. In the U.S., in order to provide legal advice, you need to be a licensed attorney.

Needtoimpeach.com has started an online petition calling for Barr’s disbarment:

Attorney General William Barr knowingly misled the public and Congress about the Mueller investigation’s findings, in direct violation of Rule 4.1 of the Virginia State Bar. Barr’s conduct warrants disbarment.

This seems to be the most practical way of ridding our government of this Trump sycophant and legal hack.

Photo | nbcboston.com

Breaking News … Two Dems push D.C., Virginia bar associations to investigate Barr

 

 

Filed Under: featured, Opinion Tagged With: Attorney General, disbarment, Donald Trump, impeachment, lying to congress, misrepresentation, Mueller report, removal, resignation, William Barr

Dems Set To Propose New National Holiday

December 15, 2018 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

Reprint from moronmajority.com

During a White House interview on Tuesday, Donald Trump said there would be hell to pay if he is impeached.

“I think that the people would revolt if that happened,” Trump told Reuters.

Asked about Trump’s comment, a senior House Democrat shared a different predication.

“The day Trump leaves office, whether by resignation, impeachment or an act of god, will be a day for rejoicing, not revolting,” said the congressman, who wished to remain anonymous.

The lawmaker revealed there is even talk among House Democrats that Trump’s last day in office should be celebrated as a national holiday.

“The end of our long national nightmare should be observed … forever,” said a spokesperson for the soon-to-be Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi.

Of course the Republican-controlled Senate would never go along with such a proposal.

The idea, for now, will have to be put on ice until 2020 when Democrats retake the Oval Office, the Senate and increase their control of the House.

Photo | REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst

 

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: Donald Trump, House democrat, impeachment, national holiday, removal from office, resignation, satire

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