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Biden To Hire ServPro For White House Restoration Work

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Reprint from moronmajority.com*

It is being reported that Joe Biden, if he were to win the presidency, will hire the cleanup firm, ServPro, to cleanse a White House that has been thoroughly soiled by Donald Trump and his administration.

While ServPro is a leading firm in disaster restoration services, disinfecting the People’s House will present a unique challenge.

“We at ServPro are very experienced at cleaning up after natural disasters … floods, hurricanes and the like. But we’ve never been asked to clean up after a man-made disaster such as a tainted presidency,” said a company spokesperson.

“We know, from its core, the building is rife with scandal, incompetence and corruption. If hired, we will do our best to rid the White House of such odious elements that, I fear, have likely seeped into every wall, of every room,” said the spokesperson. “We are prepared to do our best restoration work for the American people. Our goal would be to bring back honor, honesty and decency to that grand building.”

“We will be true to our motto, ‘Like it never happened’,” said the spokesperson. 

Asked how they plan to rid the White House of the repulsive stench now emanating from every corner of the building, the spokesperson said,” We may actually use something the President has himself suggested to rid a body of coronavirus …. simple household bleach.”

Some political observers are worried Trump may win another four years. If that is the case, the ServPro spokesperson noted a cleanup of the White House would then be impossible, saying, “The building would have to be razed and rebuilt.” 

As a pure cost-saving measure, Americans will need to vote Trump out of office on November 3.

Photo | servprohowardcountrymd.com

*moronmajority.com is a satirical site … seriously!

America’s Last Undecided Voter

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Reprint from moronmajority.com*

With the presidential election less than two months away, battle lines have been drawn. Sides have been chosen. Americans know who they will be voting for … except for Earl Scruggs.

Scruggs has the distinction of being the last undecided voter in the country.

We at Moron Majority recently had the opportunity to interview America’s final fence-sitter.

MM: Mr. Scruggs, how is it with all the news about the two candidates you still haven’t decided who to vote for?

Scruggs: I don’t much listen to the news but I do talk to a lot of people. Seems like half are voting for Trump, half are voting for Biden.

MM: Did you vote for Trump in 2016?

Scruggs: Yes, but in 2008 and 2012 I voted for Obama.

MM: So, you really are a swing voter! What do you like about Trump?

Scruggs: I like that he loves the flag so much he dry humps it every chance he gets. I like Melania too, she’s one mighty fine-looking woman!

MM: What about Biden? What do you like about him?

Scruggs: I like Joe’s teeth. They must be the whitest teeth of any politician ever. I like that he smiles a lot, too.  Plus, I think his aviator shades make him look cool.

MM: Mr. Scruggs, what you’re talking about are appearances and behavior. Aren’t there any policy differences between the two that could help make up your mind?

Scruggs: Nope. To me all that policy stuff doesn’t matter because all politicians are the same. They’ll say anything to get elected. All they want is power and to get reelected. I go with what strikes my eye. I go with my gut. But, right now, it’s telling me to maybe just sit this one out.

So there you have it. Democrats and Republicans will be spending millions in the coming days to sway Earl Scruggs in what may turn out to be one expensive, but futile, effort.

Photo | baltimoresun.com

*moronmajority.com is a satirical site … seriously!

Trump Boaters Out Of Luck … Insurance Claims Denied

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Reprint from moronmajority.com*

Several boats sank yesterday during a boat parade in support of Donald Trump on Lake Travis in Texas. Apparently, the sinking occurred due to choppy water caused by the large number of vessels moving so close together.

Most owners suffering loss have looked to their boat insurance to cover their damages. Unfortunately, many standard boat policies carry a little-known exclusion, namely, “There is no coverage when losses or damages are caused by the owner’s abject stupidity.”

Asked if he felt sorry for those supporters who lost their vessels, Trump snapped., “I like owners whose boats don’t sink, OK?”

Photo | abcnews.go.com

*moronmajority.com is a satirical site … seriously!

Dems Mocking Move To Shore Up Italian Vote

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

Republicans are not the only ones intentionally mispronouncing the name of the Democratic VP candidate, Kamala Harris. It seems that Democrats themselves have gotten into the act.

In their outreach to Italian American voters, who lean heavily to Trump and the GOP, Democrats are calling Kamala … Carmela!

The effort appears to be paying off as many Italian Americans have a positive reaction to the very Italian name, Carmela.

“My mother’s name is Carmela, as was her mother’s and her mother’s mother,” said Vinny Scappaticci, owner of Vinny’s Humungo Pizzeria and Donut Shop in the swing state of Pennsylvania.

“How could I not vote for a Carmela?” asked Mr. Scappaticci.

But won’t those same Italian voters who are looking to support “Carmela” Harris get confused once they see her correct name on the ballot?

“No,” said a Biden/Harris campaign strategist who chose to remain anonymous. “They will think it’s a typo, most likely. In any event, our research has shown most Italian Americans are not the greatest spellers.”

Oh snap!

Photo | bigpieinthesky.com

moronmajority.com is a satirical site … seriously!

Growing Concern Over Melania GOP Convention Speech … Who Will She Endorse?

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Reprint from moronmajority.com*

She never wanted any of it.

Melania Trump was perfectly happy living in her gilded tower high above New York’s Fifth Avenue. The woman who some have described as the most reluctant First Lady is scheduled to give a speech at next week’s Republican National Convention. It is being reported she will deliver her speech from the newly renovated White House Rose Garden.

Campaign officials are worried because, unlike in the past, Melania has decided to write her own speech. Alarmingly, she has refused to share it with anyone.

It is no great mystery that Melania Trump is not a happy camper. We see it in her dour face. We see it when she refuses to hold her husband’s hand in public. Does she simple loathe her husband or does she hate the whole business of politics? No one really knows.

Gossips are speculating the First Lady will file for divorce the first chance she gets after leaving the Peoples’ House. They remind us of how Melania initially refused to move to the White House after her husband’s inauguration so that son Barron “could finish school in New York.” It has been reported that Melania used her holdout as leverage for renegotiating her prenuptial agreement with Trump.

What concerns Trump’s campaign staff the most is that the First Lady might go rogue and do the unthinkable during her speech … announce she is endorsing Joe Biden!

“Enough is enough” might not just be a catch phrase for Democrats.

Photo | graziadaily.co.uk

*moronmajority.com is a satirical site … seriously!

Charles Schwab To Supply Covid Test Kits

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Reprint from moronmajority.com*

Financial executive, Charles Schwab, founder of the Charles Schwab Corporation, has offered to supply the country with 1 million covid-19 test kits.

“There is a severe shortage of swabs,” said Schwab. “I want to help stem the spread of this deadly disease so I am buying 1 million kits and making them available to all … especially to those areas hardest hit by the virus. I know it’s a small step but it’s the least I can do.”

Schwab’s generosity has been met with great gratitude. It has also given birth to the following tongue twister:

Charles Schwab’s swabs are a small step in stemming the spread of the sickness but Schwab’s swabs seriously, and surely, will save souls

Now see if you can say that three times fast!

Photo | businessinsider.com

*moronmajority.com is a satirical site … seriously!

Unable To Stop Bolton Book, Trump Threatens To Sue Anyone Who Buys It

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

He’s at it again.

Now that a judge has ruled John Bolton can publish his tell-all book, the man who elevated the filing of frivolous lawsuits into an art form is threatening to sue anyone who has the nerve to buy a copy of the juicy memoir.

Donald Trump has never been a man to take rejection lightly. Whenever he has found himself up against a wall, he threatens to take legal action.

Yes, Trump might be forced to file millions of lawsuits but that won’t stop the “king of litigation.”

Writing in today’s Washington Post, Dana Milbank gives a great summary of all the people or entities Trump has sued or threatened to sue:

“Since 2015, Trump, his business or the Republican Party have sued or threatened to sue MSNBC, NBC, the Associated Press, the Daily Beast, Univision, an anti-Trump T-shirt maker, authors Michael Wolff and David Cay Johnston, Texas Sen. Ted Cruz (R), former Ohio governor John Kasich (R), a Jeb Bush supporter, a super PAC, the Republican Party, sanctuary cities, former aide Steve Bannon, former Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid, the U.S. Golf Association, a 92-year-old widow in Scotland, the women who alleged he sexually assaulted them, the co-author of his own memoir, the Club for Growth, the Culinary Workers Union, the National Hispanic Media Coalition, the organizer of a “Dump Trump” campaign, the city of Minneapolis, and an artist who painted a nude of him.”

“Before that, he sued or threatened to sue the Los Angeles Times, USA Today, a Chicago Tribune architecture critic, Bill Maher, the now-deceased rapper Mac Miller, the Village Voice, ABC and the BBC, a random Twitter user, a woman critical of Trump University, a critic of his golf courses, a Miss USA contestant, Rosie O’Donnell, the Obama Justice Department, and the Onion.”

Milbank, surprisingly, failed to mention the time Trump threatened to sue Mother Teresa.

For Trump, the underlying motive for his litigation threats is intimidation. Trump believes the mere mention of the word “lawsuit,” and all the costs it entails, will stop people with perfectly winnable cases from taking him on.

As Milbank ends his piece, “If you can’t beat ‘em, sue ‘em.”

Photo | skynews.com

Caution – this could be “fake” nooze

Staring At Hard Times, Tucker Carlson May Be Forced To Sell Bow Tie Collection

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

Things have not been going well for Tucker Carlson lately. The star of Fox News’ Tucker Carlson Tonight is losing more advertisers by the day over his increasingly inflammatory rhetoric about Black Lives Matter protests.  Most recently, it was T-Mobile and Papa John’s Pizza that pulled the plug on his show.

The situation has gotten so bad that the Fox News celebrity is contemplating the unthinkable … selling his large collection of bow ties.

For many years, the bow tie had been Mr. Carlson’s signature look. He started wearing the cravat in 1984 when he was in tenth grade at St. George’s, a Rhode Island prep school. 

When he became co-host for CNN’S Crossfire in 2001, representing the political right, Mr. Carlson was seen nightly wearing his iconic neckwear.

Mr. Carlson eventually made his way to MSNBC in 2005, where the producers advertised his show by creating posters that read, “The Man. The Legend. The Bow Tie.”

But after moving over to Fox News in 2009, Mr. Carlson decided to ditch the bow tie in favor of the more traditional necktie. Many observers speculated that the preppy appearance engendered by wearing the bow tie made him look like one of those snooty elites he rails against each night on his show.

Mr. Carlson’s collection of 450 classic, many one-of-a-kind, bow ties has been estimated to be worth $1.5 million by Christies auction house.

Photo | daily-choices.com

Trump Demands Weather Service Retract Its Weekend Forecast

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

Donald Trump has asked the National Weather Service to retract its weekend forecast calling for rain as it would interfere with his golf plans.

“I hate playing in the rain,” said Trump. “I’ll admit it, I’m not a mudder.”

Trump has a long history of attacking any news source that gives him bad news. Earlier today, his campaign demanded CNN apologize for reporting on a poll that shows Biden beating him badly.

The National Weather Service (NWS) is the official weather bureau of the United States, founded on February 9, 1870.

Sources at the bureau have refused comment.

Photo | businessinsider.com

Reporter At Long Island Rally Gets Berated By Pro-Trump Protesters For Covering “Fake News”

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This satirical piece is based on a true story. Reprint from moronmajority.com

A Long Island, New York, TV reporter covering a Trump-supporting “reopen” rally in Commack was just trying to do his job. Then the angry protesters turned on him.

“Go home, you shouldn’t be here, you’re fake news” shouted one Trump supporter. Another gave the reporter “the finger” and told him, and his fake news, to go f**k himself.

“But I am here to cover your rally,” said the reporter to the man making the obscene gesture.

“No, you’re not, you’re here because you hate Trump,” said the protester.

“No sir, I’m here to make sure your voices are heard. I just want to get a few statements about your rally. That’s it,” said the reporter. “Would you like to tell me what you are protesting?”

“Nice try,” said the protester. “I’m not going to give you a statement that you can edit and make me look like a fool just to support your liberal agenda.”

“No, you have it wrong. We are broadcasting live so what you say is what people are hearing … right now,” said the reporter. “So, can you tell me about this demonstration?” 

“Look you know the purpose of this demonstration. It’s about my God-given freedom,” said the protester. “Why don’t you and the rest of the lamestream media report on something much more important…  like Obamagate?”

“OK, you would like to talk about Obamagate. What is it?” asked the reporter.

“It’s only the worst crime ever committed, that’s all. Obama needs to be locked up,” said the protester. 

“Sir, thank you, but I am not asking about your opinion of Obamagate.” said the reporter. “I just want to know what it is. What is the crime?”

“Look why don’t you just get out of here,” snapped the angry protester. “You know perfectly well what the crime is.”

“President Trump,” said the protester,” already answered that question, OK? He said the crime is …. well… Obamagate.”

Photo | Wally Skalij/latimes.com

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