The Daily Nooze

"All the news we deem fit to print"

You are here: Home / Archives for satire

Trump Prepares For His Swan Song

By Leave a Comment

As perhaps the greatest reality TV show comes to an end, sources close to Donald Trump say he has selected the Frank Sinatra hit, My Way, as his departure song as he boards Air Force One on his flight to his new home in Moscow.

Of course, Trump’s favorite writer, Stephen Miller, made slight adjustments to the lyrics:

And now, the end is here

And so I face the final curtain

My friends just have no fear

You’ll still have me near, of that I’m certain

 

I’ve lived a life of bull

Of scams I am the greatest gourmet

But more, much more than this

I did it my way

 

Regrets, I don’t have any

That kinda stuff is just for losers

I’ll sue you for a penny

Even if you’re the smallest accuser

 

I never planned what I would do

Trusted my gut along the byway

Of course I know you knew

I did it my way

 

Yes, there were times, but very few

When I bit off more than I could chew

But through it all I held my nose

And came out smelling like a rose

I faced it all and had a ball

I did it my way

 

I’ve never loved or laughed or cried

I’m not a sniveling weakling

Never content to just get by and by

You could say I did my own thing

 

To think I did all that

And may I say – never in a shy way

Oh no, oh no, not me

I did it my way

 

For what other man could do what I did

Who never ran or fled or hid

From TV studio to the Oval Office

You could say I was the bossest

The record shows I inflicted blows

And did it my way

 

Yes, it was my way

 

Photo | iloveoldschoolmusic.com

 

Rudy A Hit With This Year’s Halloween Crowd

By 4 Comments

Rudy Giuliani may not be very popular with a lot of folks, but when it comes to kids and Halloween, he’s a winner. His scary mask is the best-selling mask for this year’s ghoulish holiday.

Some parents are resisting their kids’ pleas to buy the mask, however. They say it’s downright too horrifying, too creepy, for them!

Warning, boys and girls, this could be “fake” news!

Photo | thedailybeast.com

Breaking News … Trump Presidential Library To Be Located In Moscow

By 3 Comments

Reprint from moronmajority.com

The White House has announced the location of the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library And Arcade. It will occupy the ground floor of the new Trump Moscow Resort and Casino to be built within a stone’s throw of Moscow’s Red Square.

It is being reported that the library will contain all of Mr. Trump’s favorite books, namely the Bible and The Art of the Deal. Trump’s personal collection of Marvel Comics will also be on display.

There will be a food court located in the center of the premises featuring multiple fast food outlets as well as a fun-for-all-ages arcade hall.

One of the library walls will feature a large screen displaying Trump’s voluminous tweets in a continuous loop.

A second wall will be filled with pictures of all the people that worked in the Trump administration who were fired, resigned or imprisoned.

A third wall will be completely covered by photos of all the people, and companies, Trump stiffed over the course of his lifetime.

A fourth wall will contain a long row of exit doors.

Said a White House aide, “Mr. Trump plans to ‘retire’ to Russia and he thought it would be wise to be near his big, beautiful, never-seen-anything quite-like-it library. It is being predicted the library will become a huge tourist attraction that will give a boost to the Russian economy.”

Sources in the know are saying the entire project will be personally funded by Vladimir V.  Putin.

Photo | rbth.com

Warning – Read at your risk. This could be fake news!

Real Reason Trump Booted Bolton

By 1 Comment

Reprint from moronmajority.com

If you believe what is being reported, Donald Trump fired his national security advisor, John Bolton, because the two men disagreed over foreign policy issues. This type of reporting is not only inaccurate, it also lends an air of rationality to our commander in chief’s mental machinations.

Donald Trump is a man who thrives on superficiality. He got rid of Bolton because he never liked that ridiculous stache.

Some aides have privately admitted Trump constantly dissed Bolton’s snowflake facial fur … behind his back. They said Trump would ask, “Hasn’t the guy ever heard of Just For Men?”

It appears after 16 months of looking at that chalky crumb catcher, it was just too much for Trump to stomach any longer. Bolton and his upper lipholstery just had to go.

Photo | sott.net

 

House Judiciary Committee Takes “Decisive” Vote on Impeachment

By 2 Comments

After months of hemming and hawing, Judiciary Committee Democrats have voted to approve a resolution for investigative procedures they will use to determine whether to recommend impeaching Donald Trump.

Democrats throughout the nation are applauding the bold action taken by Committee Chairman, Jerry Nadler.

Photo | politico.com

 

Trump Deciding What To Do With Leftover Burgers

By Leave a Comment

Now that he has abruptly called off his super secret meeting with the Taliban, Donald Trump has a lot of burgers on his hands.

“Too bad for the Taliban. If they hadn’t attacked Kabul and killed one of our brave soldiers, they could have been feasting on something very special … something they probably never had, double quarter pounders with cheese,” said an annoyed Trump.

Someone suggested the burgers be donated to the homeless and poor of Washington D.C. but the proposal was quickly quashed. Such a gesture, said a Trump aide, would reek of kindheartedness.

Photo | longislandguide.com/ Chris Kleponis / Polaris

Warning … this could be fake news!

 

Trump Turns On Fox … Says National Enquirer Only Remaining “Non-Fake” News Source

By Leave a Comment

This morning, Donald Trump denounced his once favorite “news” outlet as being “hopeless and clueless.”

In a tweet announcing the breakup, Trump wrote, “We have to start looking for a new News Outlet. Fox isn’t working for us anymore!”

The news came as a complete surprise to Fox as it had no clue the relationship was on thin ice. It appears Trump has been secretly seeing other conservative news outlets behind its back.

Trump stated that about the only real news source left is the National Enquirer.

“With the National Enquirer,” said Trump, “I know Pecker always has my back.” That would be David Pecker, CEO of America Media, owner of the tabloid.

In an effort to change Trump’s mind, Fox is dispatching Sean Hannity to make nice with the moody president over a quiet, candlelit dinner.

Photo | foxnews.com

Warning – parts of this article may be fake news!

Trump Orders Americans To Stop Eating Chinese Food

By 12 Comments

As part of his ever-escalating trade war with China, Donald Trump has ordered Americans to stop patronizing Chinese restaurants.

“If they think they can outsmart me, they better think again,” said the master negotiator. “I am hitting them where it hurts, in the stomach. This was always my nuclear option and I’m using it. No more family nights at the local Chinese restaurant … no more takeout.”

Following Trump’s latest directive, which he put out in a tweet, a few staff members gently tried to explain to Trump that the People’s Republic of China does not own any restaurants in the United States, let alone Chinese restaurants; that this boycotting of Chinese eateries will have no effect on our adversary.

“Maybe not,” said Trump, “but it will severely cut down on the food they export to our country. Where do you think all those Peking ducks come from? And those fortune cookies? And that special, secret sauce for General Tso’s chicken? … China.”

It remains to be seen if Americans will give up their love of Chinese food. Already several Jewish organizations, including the Jewish Federation of North America and the National Council of Jewish Woman, have come out strongly in opposition to the proposed ban.

Photo | news.yahoo.com

To Understand Why Trump Wants To Buy Greenland, Just Follow The Bouncing Ball

By 3 Comments

Reprint from moronmajority.com

Golf ball, that is!

It is no secret Greenland’s glaciers are melting at an alarming rate due to climate change. And underneath all that ice? Future lush green fairways!

Donald Trump has let it be known he wants to buy the world’s largest island (well the U.S. would foot the bill).

Trump, ever the prescient real estate developer, sees a major opportunity to turn the world’s newest frontier into a premier resort destination.

“I really like what I’m seeing with Greenland,” said Trump. “You know they call it Greenland for a reason. Underneath all that snow is beautiful green grass, perfect for building an amazing golf course.”

People familiar with Trump’s thinking on Greenland say he wants to build a casino surrounded by a world-class golf links.

“I’m thinking all that snow and ice will melt in about ten years … just enough time to get plans going to turn all that beautiful land into one great tourist attraction.”

Unfortunately for Trump, Denmark, which owns the island, is not interested in selling. But Trump is not deterred.

“I will use my great negotiating skills to get them to sell it to us on the cheap,” said Trump. “You forget, negotiating great real estate deals is what I do best.”

People who have questioned why the Trump administration has so forcefully opposed any and all efforts to combat climate change my have finally gotten their answer.

To further prove that point, word has it that Trump is also interested in buying Iceland.

“It will take much longer for Iceland to thaw out,” said Trump. “Underneath all that ice, you know, is more ice.”

Photo | pbs.twimg.com

 

 

 

Trump To Unveil New “Commander in Chief” Uniform At July 4th Event

By 2 Comments

Article courtesy of guest contributor, T Francis Curran

Newly leaked emails suggest a team of European designers have been furiously working to create a new, glitzy “Commander in Chief” uniform for Donald Trump in time for his heralded July Fourth speech in Washington D.C..

Inside sources tell of a secret “Garment Room” deep within the bowels of the White House where a select staff, lead by “a close family member,” has been holding bi-weekly design reviews. Multiple runway iterations have been presented in closed-door sessions. We’ve been told both former NJ Governor Chris Christie and TV personality Rosanne Barr have been stand-ins for fittings while Trump has been away on official business, or golfing.

It appears that a pleated kilt, paying homage to Trump’s maternal heritage, has been mothballed while a toga-style drapery, reminiscent of Julius Ceaser, Nero and Kent Dorfman has been gaining support. This Romanesque gown featuring imported Egyptian cotton bed sheets would be accentuated with contrasting icons of a dove and a hawk sewn into each shoulder to emphasize Mr. Trump’s strength coupled with compassion.

Other unnamed sources have indicated that the president, ever passionate of his role as the leader of the military, desires a more traditional uniform. Design requirements may include a worthy shoulder insignia, along with a holstered sidearm (possibly a pearl-handled revolver). Due to the risk of reaggravating his Vietnam War era plantar fasciitis, Mr. Trump will arrive at the speech in a camouflage-patterned golf cart, emblazoned with “45” on either side and touting a forward-firing howitzer.

While it is almost certain Trump will “don” a military uniform on this Fourth of July, no one can say for sure what form it will take. Said a source, “Even Mr. Putin has no idea what it will look like.”

Photo | reddit.com/pbs.twimg.com

T Francis Curran lives in Westchester, NY

 

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.