Donald Trump is the first University of Pennsylvania graduate to ever be elected President of the United States. Normally that would be a feather in the cap of one’s alma mater. Instead, the school’s Board of Trustees has unanimously voted to rescind Trump’s sheepskin.

“Today marks a very sad day for our beloved university,” said a spokesperson for the famed Ivy League school. “We are embarrassed to admit Donald Trump is an alumnus of our great institution. We are chagrined and saddened to call him one of our own. The president is a black mark on our long and illustrious history. He has cheapened the value of every diploma ever awarded by the University of Pennsylvania.”

The spokesperson, choosing to remain anonymous, stated that admissions applications have suffered a major decline since Trump entered the presidential race in 2015. Alumni fundraising has also suffered a setback.

Some UPenn graduates are questioning whether Trump received a degree at all. “How could a man with the vocabulary of a seven-year-old have managed to meet the school’s strict academic requirements?” they ask. Some have speculated it was only through the efforts of his wealthy father, Fred Trump, that Donald “earned” his degree.

It has been confirmed through interviews with a number of Trump’s Class of ’68 classmates that he was close to flunking out his junior year. One classmate recalls it was only through the efforts of a very concerned and caring dean that Trump made it to graduation.

“I can remember very vividly,” said the close classmate who also chose to remain anonymous, “the great advice our dean gave Donald, who was known for being a party guy: ‘Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son’. That really hit home with him.”

There is serious doubt whether a school can ask for the return of its diploma or rescind a degree. Perhaps this is all a public relations maneuver to show the world Donald Trump is an anomaly and does not represent the many learned and distinguished graduates of one of the nation’s finest universities.

It should be noted that three of Donald Trump’s children also hold a University of Pennsylvania degree: Don Jr. Ivanka and Tiffany. As of this date, the university has not asked for the return of their diplomas. Donald Trump’s third child, Eric, decided to eschew the family tradition and forge his own path. He is a graduate of Georgetown University. Asked for comment, GU declined.

Photo | boston globe.com

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