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Defiant Group of Americans Vow To Disrupt Trump’s Birthday Parade

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

Washington, D.C. — With the U.S. Army preparing what critics are calling a “Hail, Caesar! parade” for Donald Trump’s 79th birthday, a rebellious group of Americans has declared they will not stand idly by while tanks roll down streets and the birthday boy gulps down a Diet Coke from the grand stand.

“We must resist,” declared Ned ‘Bluto’ Crandall, the leader of the grassroots movement known as The Spirit of 76% Disapproval. “This is still our country and make no mistake – this war against fascism is far from over. We Americans don’t give up,” said Crandall, hand over heart. “Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell, no!”

The group, composed of veterans, college professors, improv comedians and one guy who insists he once arm-wrestled Bernie Sanders, is still discussing what tactics they will use to disrupt the parade. 

Said Crandall, “We gotta take these bastards. Now, we could do it with conventional weapons, but that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, what this calls for is some really futile and stupid gestures on our part.”

Some of the actions being considered are: throwing water balloons at the baton twirlers, having a drone fly overhead with the banner “No Tanks. Just Thanks (for leaving!)”; a line of mime performers pretending to be stuck in invisible walls in front of the tanks. One group member wearing a Roman toga, who only goes by the name of “Dorfman,” suggested something with marbles.

“We know there are risks and we might be arrested by Trump’s goons,” said Linda Narvis, a retired librarian and self-described human bullhorn. “But when democracy is threatened, we fight back. Because if we don’t stand up now, next year he’ll demand a birthday invasion!”

Image/ChatGPT

Satirists Declare National Emergency as Trump’s Cabinet Picks Outpace Their Wildest Spoofs

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reprint from moronmajority.com

In an unprecedented move, the nation’s leading satirists gathered on the steps of the Capitol today to stage a protest against what they call the “unbearable tyranny of reality.” Their target? … Donald J. Trump. With one shocking Cabinet pick after another, many worry they soon may be unemployed. 

“Trump is literally putting us out of business,” said a visibly distraught Andy Gotwitz, host of the satirical show This Is Not Real News. “I mean that anti-vaxxer, Robert Kennedy Jr., as Secretary of Health and Human Services? The guy thinks windmills cause autism! How can we compete with that!”

The satirists, carrying signs reading “Leave Room for Parody!” and “Stop Stealing My Punchlines, Donald,” claim that Trump’s announcements have created an existential crisis in their field. “We spend hours trying to come up with absurd scenarios to lampoon these people,” lamented writer Mandy Morewitt. “But Matt Gaetz as Attorney General? What am I supposed to do with that? Photoshop him serving subpoenas at a high school prom? It’s already too on the nose!”

Some critics of the satirists, however, have been unsympathetic. “Maybe they should have worked harder,” said a man dressed as George Santos in a Bigfoot costume, who claimed to be a Trump supporter. “Donald doesn’t just blur the lines between fact and fiction. He erases them! Sorry, but get used to it honey.”

Meanwhile, Trump himself responded to the satirists’ plight during a rally in Florida. “These so-called comedians are very pathetic” he said, waving a printed copy of a New Yorker cartoon. “They’ve got no creativity. No smarts. I’m the most tremendous satire writer in the world. I invented satire. You’re welcome, SNL.”

The satirists say they are considering a new strategy: abandoning politics altogether and turning their attention to less absurd subjects, like alien conspiracy theories or the British monarchy. 

At press time, a White House insider revealed the next Cabinet announcement: My Pillow guy, Mike Lindell, as Secretary of Commerce.

“Kill me now,” sighed the collective voice of satire writers everywhere.

Photo/AI generated

We Did It!

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reprint from moronmajority.com

Congrats fellow Americans, we did it again! After a nail-biting election, President Trump is here to save us all! Forget the naysayers and pundits—we the people have spoken. And boy, do we have our guy back: Donald J. Trump, ready to right all wrongs with one sweep of his seven iron… or maybe a Sharpie? Either way, his master plans are already in motion! Like God created the world in seven days, Trump will fix our broken nation in the same amount of time. Here is his agenda for the first week he’s back in the White House:

Day One: Inflation Cured

Yes, it’s happening. On Day One, the economy will be absolutely booming. Inflation? Gone! Like magic. Who needs “fiscal policy” or “monetary adjustments”? Not us! Trump’s gonna waltz into the Oval Office, declare inflation un-American, and poof—your grocery bill is back to 1999 prices. Everyone gets an instant raise, and gas is practically free! 

Day Two: All Wars Ended by Lunchtime

Buckle up, global chaos, because on Day Two, Trump’s tackling all wars. Ukraine, Gaza, you name it—it’s over. With a trademark mix of charisma and “deal-making prowess,” he’ll just call Putin, Zelensky, and the rest for a lunch at Mar-a-Lago. Who could resist? By the time dessert is served, peace will reign. Expect lots of handshakes, photo ops, and some kind of commemorative “Trump World Peace” merch by sundown.

Day Three: Deporting All the “Bad Hombres”

On Day Three, our borders will be secure again. Trump’s going to deport every undocumented immigrant overnight. How? He’ll just point at the border and say, “Go home!” and voilà, problem solved! Who will step up to pick crops and staff essential services after that, you ask? Americans! Hard-working folks just waiting to get back to basics and—oh, wait, you don’t want that job? Well, somebody’s gotta do it. I’m sure it’ll all work out.

Day Four: The Great Rebuild

Repairing and revitalizing our nation’s physical infrastructure will get supercharged! Trump will personally make all the potholes disappear and build beautiful bridges, each bearing his name in gold letters, of course! No need to bother with funding or blueprints; he’ll just call in a “tremendous” team and wave his hands. Expect state-of-the-art highways, glowing in neon like the Vegas strip.

Day Five: Healing the Divided Nation

On Day Five, President Trump will bring us all together. Gone are the days of “us versus them.” Trump’s got a unifying spirit—and he’s going to make sure everyone agrees with him! If you don’t, well, there’s always social media bans and friendly suggestions to move to Canada. Because in Trump’s America, everyone’s happy… or at least says they are!

Day Six: Making America Safe (Especially for Women!)

Day Six is all about safety. Trump’s going to make America the safest country on earth, particularly for women. You heard right—crime rates will plummet, not just because he says so, but because he’ll install Trump Security Towers on every street corner. Forget police departments, we’re talking 24/7 live-streamed Trump Protection Squads ready to swoop in with unbelievable “Tremendous Law and Order.” 

Day Seven: Solving Global Warming 

Finally, on Day Seven, Trump will tackle climate change head-on—with a revolutionary approach. How? Simple: we just won’t talk about it anymore. If we never mention “global warming,” “climate change,” or any “scary weather stuff,” the problem is basically solved. Can’t have a crisis if it’s not in the headlines, right?

So, here’s to the new era, America. We’ve finally got the guy back who’s going to make everything right again in just seven days. After all, what could possibly go wrong?

Republicans Sound The Alarm: Harris Administration Could Threaten to Pass Laws Most Americans Actually Want

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Republican Party has entered full-blown panic mode amid growing fears that a Kamala Harris administration might attempt to pass legislation that aligns with the will of the majority of Americans.

“We’re facing an unprecedented threat,” said Senator Mitch McConnell, wiping sweat from his brow. “Imagine waking up one morning to find that the government has passed common-sense gun control measures that 80% of the country supports! It’s a nightmare scenario.”

Indeed, the thought of the U.S. Senate actually functioning as a body that reflects public opinion has sent shockwaves through conservative circles. Republican strategists warn that Harris, known for her disturbing habit of listening to experts and acknowledging facts, might push for policies that could actually improve the lives of everyday Americans.

“They’re talking about protecting a woman’s right to make decisions about her own body,” said Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, with a look of sheer horror. “Next thing you know, they’ll be trying to ensure that everyone has access to affordable healthcare. Where does it end?”

Worried that such popular measures might weaken their brand, the GOP has already begun preparing for the worst. Plans are reportedly in place to filibuster any legislation that smacks of progress or equity. “We’ve got to draw a line in the sand,” McConnell added. “If we don’t stand up now, the next thing you know, they’ll be enacting climate policies that could slow global warming. This could lead to a future where our grandchildren can still recognize the seasons. It’s terrifying.”

As the 2024 election looms, Republican leaders are urging their base to stay vigilant. “Remember, this is about stopping a radical, leftist, socialist agenda that includes the things most Americans say they want in poll after poll,” said Senator Ted Cruz. “We can’t let democracy get in the way of our vision for America.”

*moronmajority.com is a satirical blog

Some Republicans Worried Country Not Ready to Elect First Convicted Felon as President

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reprint from moronmajority.com

Just as many Democrats are worried the U.S. is not ready to elect its first woman chief executive, some Republicans are fretting over whether the country is prepared to elect its first convicted felon as president.

In a strange twist few saw coming, both parties are attempting a political first in presidential elections.

“It’s not that we’re anti-crime,” said one Republican senator, who chose to remain anonymous. “We just wonder if the country can handle a president who might need to attend parole meetings between Cabinet sessions.”

Some historical perspective, though, might ease their worries. Richard “I am not a crook” Nixon avoided prison by resigning, Warren G. Harding’s administration was a corruption carnival, and Andrew Jackson’s dueling escapades make modern scandals look quaint. As one Harvard political historian put it, “A felon might actually be a refreshing dose of honesty. At least with a conviction, we know what we’re getting.”

One Republican strategist even sees having a convicted felon as the party’s nominee an opportunity, not a problem. “Americans love firsts … the first man on the moon, the first man to fly across the Atlantic, the first McDonalds hamburger. This kinda thing just taps into America’s can-do spirit!”

Public opinion seems divided. In a recent poll, 40% of respondents said they would consider voting for a convicted felon if they aligned with their political beliefs; 40% said it was a step too far, while 20% had no opinion. “I just don’t know,” said one undecided voter. “On one hand, it’s kind of exciting. On the other, do we really want to explain to our kids why the president has to wear an ankle monitor?”

So, will it be a woman who shatters that proverbial “glass ceiling” or a convicted felon? My money is on the felon as some have been known to carry a shiv in their shoe.

Photo | zazzle/ North Star shop

*moronmajority.com is a satirical site

After Debate Debacle, Biden Fires White House Physician

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

It didn’t take long. Following his feeble and weak debate performance, Joe Biden has ousted his personal White House physician.

“The performance-enhancing drugs didn’t work!” screamed an angry Biden.

Reached for comment, Dr. Kevin O’Connor took full responsibility for Biden’s unmedicated disaster. Instead of giving him an orange flavored THC gummy, he instead accidently gave Biden a Flintstones chewable vitamin.

There is now talk of offering the job of White House physician to Donald Trump’s former doctor, Ronny Jackson.

Chuck Grassley Calls For Dianne Feinstein’s Retirement

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reprint from moronmajority.com

In a shocking turn of events, Senator Chuck Grassley is calling for the retirement of his colleague, Senator Dianne Feinstein. The two senators, both aged 89, have been serving in the Senate for decades, but Grassley seems to think that Feinstein’s time has come to an end.

“It’s time for Dianne to retire,” Grassley reportedly said in a recent interview. “We’re both 89, but I’m three months younger. I think I’ve still got some good years left in me, but Dianne, well, let’s just say she’s not as spry as she used to be.”

Feinstein, the senior Senator from California has spent nearly three months away from the Capital, including a stint in the hospital before returning home to San Francisco to recover.

When asked why he is calling for the retirement of a person about the same age as himself, Grassley responded, “I am here. She is not. And heck, I did 50 pushups this morning before coming to work.”

The call for Feinstein’s retirement has generated a good amount of backlash, with some wondering if Grassley is playing with a full deck. But others have speculated the senior Senator from Iowa is jealous since Feinstein is currently the oldest sitting U.S. senator. They believe Grassley wants the title.

At this point, it does not appear Feinstein (or Grassley for that matter) will be leaving her job anytime soon. 

The answer, perhaps, as to why both senior senators continue to serve in the Senate can be found simply by looking at the portrait each has hanging in their offices… it’s of Strom Thurmond, the oldest senator to have served … at age 100 and 29 days!

Photo | washingtontimes/AP/Andrew Harnik

moronmajority.com is a satire political blog

Tucker Carlson Leaves Fox For Higher Calling

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

After years of being a prominent figure in the conservative media world, Tucker Carlson has made the shocking announcement that he will be leaving Fox News to pursue a new calling: the ministry.

Sources close to Carlson suggest that he is deeply troubled by the role he played in spreading fear, lies, conspiracy theories and disinformation during his time on television. He believes that he has a responsibility to atone for his sins and to help undo the harm he’s caused. 

“He’s been struggling with this for a while,” said a source who spoke on condition of anonymity. “He’s been talking to pastors and other religious leaders, trying to find a way to make things right.”

According to those same sources, Carlson’s decision to leave Fox News was motivated by his fear of going to hell.

“He’s always been a deeply religious person,” the source said. “But he’s been feeling more and more guilty about what he’s done. He’s worried that he’s going to spend eternity paying for the division he’s caused in our country.”

While some may be skeptical of Carlson’s sudden conversion, those who know him best say that he is sincere in his desire to repent and make amends.

“He’s a man of conviction,” said one friend. “He’s always been passionate about what he believes, and now he’s applying that passion to his faith.”

As for Fox News, the network is reportedly in a state of shock over Carlson’s sudden departure. After all, “Tucker Carlson Tonight” was the highest-rated cable news show for years. Fox has already started conducting a nationwide search to find a new host who is willing to take on the responsibility of spreading hate and lies to the American public.

“Whoever replaces Tucker is going to have some big shoes to fill,” said one Fox executive. “We need someone who can lie with conviction and fear-monger with the best of them.”

A replacement, however, might not be so difficult for Fox News to find. There are plenty of unscrupulous “newsmen” out there who have no fear of eternal damnation and would gladly sell their souls for some mega bucks.

As for Friar Tucker, our thoughts and prayers are with you, man!

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