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Tucker Carlson Leaves Fox For Higher Calling

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

After years of being a prominent figure in the conservative media world, Tucker Carlson has made the shocking announcement that he will be leaving Fox News to pursue a new calling: the ministry.

Sources close to Carlson suggest that he is deeply troubled by the role he played in spreading fear, lies, conspiracy theories and disinformation during his time on television. He believes that he has a responsibility to atone for his sins and to help undo the harm he’s caused. 

“He’s been struggling with this for a while,” said a source who spoke on condition of anonymity. “He’s been talking to pastors and other religious leaders, trying to find a way to make things right.”

According to those same sources, Carlson’s decision to leave Fox News was motivated by his fear of going to hell.

“He’s always been a deeply religious person,” the source said. “But he’s been feeling more and more guilty about what he’s done. He’s worried that he’s going to spend eternity paying for the division he’s caused in our country.”

While some may be skeptical of Carlson’s sudden conversion, those who know him best say that he is sincere in his desire to repent and make amends.

“He’s a man of conviction,” said one friend. “He’s always been passionate about what he believes, and now he’s applying that passion to his faith.”

As for Fox News, the network is reportedly in a state of shock over Carlson’s sudden departure. After all, “Tucker Carlson Tonight” was the highest-rated cable news show for years. Fox has already started conducting a nationwide search to find a new host who is willing to take on the responsibility of spreading hate and lies to the American public.

“Whoever replaces Tucker is going to have some big shoes to fill,” said one Fox executive. “We need someone who can lie with conviction and fear-monger with the best of them.”

A replacement, however, might not be so difficult for Fox News to find. There are plenty of unscrupulous “newsmen” out there who have no fear of eternal damnation and would gladly sell their souls for some mega bucks.

As for Friar Tucker, our thoughts and prayers are with you, man!

Mike Lindell Pulls Fast One On 5 Million Dollar Winner

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

Ask any trial lawyer about the most misunderstood aspect of civil litigation and the answer is usually this… while a client may win a monetary award, it’s a whole other thing collecting the cash.

It appears this is the lesson learned by Bob Zeidman, the man who successful proved, through arbitration, Mike Lindell is full of BS. If you remember, the My Pillow guy offered a $5 million payment to anyone who could prove his “data” about massive election interference in the 2020 presidential election was bogus. He called it the “Prove Mike Wrong” contest.

Now, in a shocking turn of events, My Pillow CEO Mike Lindell has actually “made good” on his promise! However, instead of writing a check for $5 million, Lindell decided to pay the award in the form of My Pillow products.

Zeidman, the recipient of this unique compensation, is a software developer who had publicly criticized Lindell’s claims. Zeidman was initially skeptical when he heard about Lindell’s offer, but after conducting extensive research, he was able to conclusively prove that Lindell’s evidence of election fraud was nothing but smoke and mirrors.

“I was really surprised when Lindell offered to pay me in My Pillow products,” Zeidman said in a recent interview. “My initial reaction was to tell the guy to go stuff it, but after my lawyer did a thorough review of his financial situation, I realized this was probably the best I was going to do.”

Zeidman was given a truckload of My Pillow products, including pillows, sheets, and mattress toppers. While the total value of the products was said to be $5 million, many experts have expressed doubt that they are actually worth that much.

Some have speculated that Lindell may have inflated the value of the products in order to save face after his claims were debunked. Others have suggested that he simply has too much My Pillow inventory and is trying to offload it in any way he can.

Either way, Zeidman says he’s happy he won his case and was able to collect something. When asked what he plans to do with all those pillows, he chuckled and replied, “I don’t know, maybe I’ll build the mother of all pillow forts and live in it forever.”

Photo | Lev Radin/Sipa USA/AP Images

The “Party Of Stupid” Just Can’t Help Itself

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Bobby, Bobby, oh Bobby.

You hit the nail on the head back in 2012 when you correctly diagnosed what was ailing your beloved GOP after some surprising election losses. But did anyone listen? Of course not! 

Just to refresh our memories, here is what you said ten years ago when your party lost two winnable 2021 Senate races (Missouri, Indiana) after your candidates (Todd Akin, Richard Mourdock) made some really stupid comments about rape :

“We must stop being the stupid party. I’m serious. It’s time for a new Republican party that talks like adults. It’s time for us to articulate our plans and visions for America in real terms. We had a number of Republicans damage the brand this year with offensive and bizarre comments. We’ve had enough of that.”

After having backed perhaps the worst, most unqualified candidate for the United States Senate in GOP history, Herschel Walker, this is what your National Republican Senatorial Committee Chairman, Rick Scott, said recently:

“While Herschel came up short last night, I know he will continue to be a leader in our party for years to come.”

A smart party leader would never have said that!  A clear-headed politician, one in touch with reality, might have said that old Mitch McConnell was correct… Republicans need to focus more on candidate quality going forward … or, better yet, might have said nothing at all!

There undoubtedly is a GOP playbook somewhere which says “never admit error… just keep doubling down.” Bobby, I’m afraid yours is a party that hates admitting a mistake even more than having committed the mistake in the first place.

So, Bobby, what happened to you? You had such a promising political future!  You were young, diverse and sharp. Some were calling you the next best thing for the GOP. You won reelection for governor of Louisiana in 2011 by a landslide. And now you’re an advisor at some investment firm?

I’m guessing you eventually got tired of banging your head against the wall. You came to realize that while you can fix many things, you can’t fix stupid.

Still, Bobby, why haven’t you come out to say only a “stupid party” would even consider nominating a one-term, twice-impeached loser to run again for the presidency in 2024? Just asking. 

Photo | AP/Michael Conroy/thenation.com

Walker Or Warnock … A Difficult Choice For Georgia

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

With two eminently qualified candidates, it is easy to see why, with just a few days before Georgia’s runoff election, the U.S. Senate race between Herschel Walker and Raphael Warnock is considered a toss-up.

Raphael Warnock, the current U.S. senator from Georgia, is fighting to keep his seat against one of the state’s greatest sports heroes, Herschel Walker.

The Democratic candidate, Warnock, was elected to the Senate on January 5, 2021 by winning in another runoff race against Republican candidate, Kelly Loeffler. In his two years serving as Georgas’s senator, Warnock has distinguished himself as an articulate, effect lawmaker. He is not only a pastor, but the pastoral heir of Martin Luther King Jr. at Atlanta’s Ebenezer Baptist Church. He has made his life’s work fighting against systematic racism. Warnock is a strong champion of LGBTQ+ rights, voting rights and reproductive rights.

On the other hand, Republican candidate, Herschel Walker, starred as a running back at the University of Georgia, winning the Heisman Trophy in his junior year. He went on to a successful professional career playing in both the USFL and the NFL. While he is not as articulate as Warnock, with most of his speeches turning into incomprehensible word salads, Georgians love him nonetheless. Did you know as a junior at the University of Georgia, Walker rushed for 1,752 yards and 16 touchdowns while leading the Bulldogs to an 11-0 regular season record and a national matchup against Penn State in the Sugar Bowl?

Even though some are questioning his lack of political experience, Walker is following in the footsteps of his biggest backer, Donald Trump, who also lacked any political experience when he successfully ran for the presidency in 2016. As many Republican voters will quickly point out, and as they say Trump proved, political experience is so overrated!

To use a football term, the Senate runoff race in Georgia, on December 6, has come down to a “coin flip.” Who is best positioned to represent the great state of Georgia in the United States Senate … a civil rights hero or a sports hero? Tough one, Georgia!

Photo | Bill Barrow/Associated Press

Cyber Ninjas Hires Bill Barr To Summarize Arizona Audit Report

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

In an effort to stem the confusion surrounding the release of its Arizona audit report, Cyber Ninjas has hired former Trump Attorney General, William Barr, to distill the essential findings.

At a news conference this morning, Barr said, “While the audit showed Biden receiving more votes than Trump, that doesn’t necessarily mean Biden won the contest. Some are actually claiming the report ‘conclusively shows there were enough fraudulent votes, mystery votes, and fake votes to change the outcome of the election 4 or 5 times over’.” 

Arizona Republicans are not happy with the work of Cyber Ninjas and are said to be contemplating another audit of the Maricopa County election results to be conducted by the little-known firm, Sumo Warriors.

Photo | people.com

*moronmajority.com is a satirical site … seriously!

Our Interview With That “College Educated Wite Suburian Woman”

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After making a splash across social media, we at The Daily Nooze decided to interview the woman who so proudly displays her love for Donald Trump across the back of her Jag.

While she agreed to answer our questions, she declined an in-person interview as she really didn’t have the time, working three part-time jobs and all. She instead requested we email her our questions and she would incorporate her answers into a written response.

 Here is her reply:

Yes, I am college educated and I voted for Trump … twice. I am shore he won the last election and that Biden is an inposter president. I care so much about our country that I marched in a number of “Stop The Steel” rallies in my hometown.

I am the first person in my family to ern a college degree. I truly believe in the benefits of hire education.

I know that President Trump said he especially likes the poorly educated but I think education is the only way for someone from humble beginnings, like me, to get a head.

I grew up in a small farming town in Georgia and moved to the big city (population 1500) witch was 30 miles away when I turned 18.

I am a proud graduate of Tuberville State University in Alabama (Let’s Go Fighting Cicadas!) and hope President Trump is reinstituted next month just like Mr. Lindell said he would.

“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance” – Derek Bok

Giuliani Prepares For New Role As MyPillow Pitchman

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

Now that his New York law license has been suspended, and facing likely disbarment, Rudy Giuliani can rest easy at night … the “My Pillow Guy,” Mike Lindell, has rescued him from impending financial ruin. Rudy Giuliani will be the new mug in MyPillow commercials.

The former top federal prosecutor and twice-elected New York mayor will be hawking Lindell’s wares on late night cable shows and right-wing media outlets.

“Rudy is a perfect fit for our pillows,” said Lindell. “He has a high approval rating with our typical buyers, people over the age of 75 and the mentally impaired.”

Looking to tap into Giuliani’s recent notoriety, Lindell will be offering a new pillow cover resistant to hair dye.

Some are saying the two staunch Trump supporters were meant to do business together. Giuliani, a Roman Catholic, however, has told Lindell he refuses to wear a giant crucifix around his neck, a Lindell trademark.

Photo | cnn.com

*moronmajority.com is a satirical site … seriously!

Ronny Jackson Backs Off Demand For Biden To Take Cognitive Test

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

After accusing Joe Biden of suffering from “mental impairment,” Donald Trump’s former personal doctor and current Texas congressman, Rep. Ronny Jackson, is no longer demanding the President take a test to measure his cognitive abilities. 

It appears Biden has agreed to the request if Jackson consents to a sobriety test.

Photo | businessinsider.com

*moronmajority.com is a satirical site … seriously!

After Cheney Ouster, House Reps Propose New Oath Of Office

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Reprint from moronmajority.com

During colonial times, when the United States were colonies of Great Britain, officials swore allegiance to the king. Following the Revolution, the founders decided to require an oath for all federal and state officials … to the Constitution.

Since Liz Cheney’s ouster from her House leadership position due to her refusal to swear allegiance to the king of her party, a few House Republicans have proposed a new oath to be taken by all new members on the opening day of a new Congress.

A bill soon to be introduced by Texas Representative Louie Gohmert, co-sponsored by fellow Republicans Marjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren Boebert, Matt Gaetz and Jim Jordan, contains the following oath:

“I, (name), do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend Donald J. Trump against all political enemies, foreign or domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to same; that I take this obligation without any mental hesitancy or self-reflection, and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter as directed by Our Leader. So help me Trump.” 

As Republican House members are in the minority, it is unlikely such a bill will pass. But it is interesting to note how American conservatives have gone full circle in just under 250 years!

Photo | Forbes.com

*moronmajority.com is a satirical site … seriously!

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