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DOJ Clamps Down On Mueller Prior To Congressional Testimony

July 22, 2019 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

Just two days before his much anticipated appearance before two congressional committees, the Department of Justice has sent Robert Mueller a letter warning him to be careful about what he says in public.

“Any testimony must remain within the boundaries of your public report because matters within the scope of your investigation were covered by executive privilege, including information protected by law enforcement, deliberative process, attorney work product, and presidential communications privileges,” wrote Associate Deputy Attorney General Bradley Weinsheimer.

Mueller was reminded by Weinsheimer that DOJ policy prevents him from commenting on the legal conclusions his office made “with respect to uncharged individuals, other than information contained within the portions of your report that already have been made public.” Weinsheimer also said Mueller should not testify about portions of the public report that have been redacted or about uncharged third parties.

It’s unlikely Mueller will go outside the four corners of his report in any event, with or without the DOJ’s last minute admonition. He specifically said he would do so in his brief press conference in May.

Democrats on the House committees are hoping Mueller will be more forthcoming than he has stated he would be. But the straight-laced Mueller, who is only testifying because he was subpoenaed to do so, will most likely disappoint those Democrats holding out hope he will go rogue.

About the only suspense on Wednesday will be which Trump congressional lapdog will make the biggest fool of himself trying to discredit the former Eagle Scout and ex-Marine.

The bottom line is even if Mueller only reads from his 448-page report, the damage to Donald Trump could be significant as the American public will hear, many for the first time, the true, unvarnished-by-Barr version of his investigative findings.

Photo | nbcnews.com

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: congress, DOJ letter, four corners, Mueller report, Robert Mueller, testimony, William Barr

Is Trump Trying To Make Pootie Jealous?

June 30, 2019 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

Donald Trump recently went out of his way just to shake the hand of Kim Jong Un at the DMZ. Is this cozying up to the North Korean leader a way of making his current flame, Vladimir Putin, envious or just a not-so-subtle signal he wants to start seeing other dictators?

Trump did recently receive a lovely letter from Kim. According to sources, Trump claimed no one writes “beautiful letters” like the North Korean strongman.

Photo | kevin lamarque/reuters

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: Donald Trump, handshake, jealous, Kim Jong-un, love, satire, Vladimir Putin

Trump Warns Of Dire Consequences If He’s Not Re-Elected … Here’s The Complete List

June 16, 2019 By John DeProspo 1 Comment

Reprint from moronmajority.com

As he gears up for his re-election campaign, Donald Trump has warned that the U.S. would experience an epic stock market crash if he were not returned to the White House.

While this unsettling prediction has gotten the bulk of media attention, there are also a few other catastrophes Trump has warned about if a Democrat were to win the presidency in 2020.

Here is a list of what might take place, according to Trump, if a Democrat wins the next presidential election:

  1. Ordering fast food will require a doctor’s note
  2. C-SPAN will be the only TV channel
  3. Bacon will be outlawed
  4. Men will be required to change “doody” diapers
  5. “Merry Christmas” will officially be replaced by “Happy Holidays”
  6. Daily flossing will be mandatory
  7. Americans will be forced to eat five fruits and vegetables per day
  8. Conservatives will be banned
  9. Voters will only be able to cast their ballot if they can correctly name the three branches of government
  10. The Earth will be invaded by space aliens

Some are calling Trump’s warnings irresponsible and outrageous.  Others are saying it’s just Trump being Trump. You know, fear-mongering to juice up his base.

OK, Trump may have gone a little overboard with some of his predictions. It’s highly unlikely we will be invaded by spacemen from Mars … but, really, would it be such a bad thing if everyone flossed each day?

Photo | qz.com

 

 

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: Donald Trump, fear-mongering, list of ten consequences, re-election, satire, stock market crash, warnings

The Mystery Of Trump’s “New Do” Solved

June 3, 2019 By John DeProspo Leave a Comment

Reprint from moronmajority.com

Donald Trump shocked onlookers when he made a surprise appearance this Sunday at a Virginia church. Gone was his trademark coif. Trump’s hair was slicked-back.

Many speculated it was a case of “hat hair” (Trump had just come off the golf course). Some thought it was a makeover ahead of Trump’s trip to the U.K. this week.

But those in the know say the father finally took the advice of the son. For years Don Jr. has urged his father to ditch the intricate “hairspray labyrinth” he’s been sporting in favor of a more “goodfellas” look.

Makers of men’s hair gel are rejoicing over Trump’s new image. ‘He’s a walking advertisement for the greaser, slick-back look,” said an industry spokesperson.

Photos | AP, wikipedia

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: "hat hair", do, Don Jr., Donald Trump, goodfellas, greaser, hair-do, new, satire, slicked-back

Alabama Zygotes Take Advantage Of New Status

May 26, 2019 By John DeProspo 1 Comment

Reprint from moronmajority.com

Having been declared “persons” under Alabama’s newly passed “heartbeat” law, zygotes have begun to utilize their newfound status. They are organizing.

A spokesperson for the zygotes states they have banded together to press Alabama legislators to enact stricter gun control laws. “The zygotes fear they may be the victims of gun violence once they leave the safety of the womb,” said the spokesperson.

Unfortunately, the zygotes lack the necessary funds to successfully lobby lawmakers. Many are applying for social security cards in order to qualify for public assistance. “Most want gainful employment,“ said the spokesperson,” but they haven’t developed any skills. Some cruelly mock the zygotes by pointing out they haven’t developed … period.”

Still the zygotes are thankful for the new law that redefines an “unborn child, child or person” as “a human being, specifically including an unborn child in utero at any stage of development, regardless of viability.”

Zygotes in other states considering “personhood” laws are taking notice. If they get their rights, like their Alabama brothers and sisters, this could have serious implications for gun control efforts and the continued viability of the NRA.

Photo | wisegeek.com

 

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: abortion law, Alabama, gun control, NRA, personhood, satire, strictest abortion ban, zygotes

Trump Strikes Back At Dems … “I Don’t Do Cover-Ups”

May 23, 2019 By John DeProspo 2 Comments

At a “surprise” Rose Garden appearance yesterday, Donald Trump, channelling his best John Oliver, hit back at Democrats bent on investigating him. He was particularly incensed that Nancy Pelosi accused him of being engaged with a cover-up.

While Trump may be into many things, he told the assembled press he is not into cover- ups.

Photo | aljazeera.com

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: cover-ups, Dems, Donald Trump, investigations, Nancy Pelosi, not into cover-ups, satire

It’s Official … Trump Greatest Con Man Of All-Time

May 20, 2019 By John DeProspo 7 Comments

Reprint from moronmajority.com

Guinness World Records has named Donald J. Trump the greatest con man of all-time.

Competing against such heavyweights as Frank William Abagnale Jr., Bernie Madoff and Charles Ponzi, Trump was delighted to learn of this latest honor. “That’s some helluva group I was up against, let me tell you. I just want to thank all those, beautiful, beautiful, gullible people out there.”

Said a spokesperson for Guinness, “Our research showed no other con artist has ever been able to maintain his deception for as long as Mr. Trump. Most others have either been imprisoned or otherwise forced to end their ways.”

It’s well-known Trump takes great pride in being the best at whatever he attempts. Here is a man who will cheat, lie and throw his own mother under the bus to get his way. He is obsessed with winning. “If you’re not the best,’ observed Trump, “then you’re a loser.”

Trump can now add his new title of “greatest con man” to that of: best president, greatest businessman, smartest human being, finest golfer, biggest jobs creator, and top biblical scholar.

“What other guy on that list (referring to Guinness) could con his way into the Oval Office to become the most powerful man in the world?” Trump asked. “I deserve this. I’m the greatest huckster, hands down.”

Mocking the “Fake News Media,” Trump added, “When I said I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shot someone and not lose any support, they all laughed at me. They’re not laughing now. Let’s face it, I am the greatest salesman of all time!”

Very few people would argue with that assessment.

Photo | cnn.com, alex brandon/AP

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: Donald Trump, greatest con man, greatest huckster, Guinness World Records, satire

Trump Makes Good On Campaign Promise To Run Country Like His Business

May 13, 2019 By John DeProspo Leave a Comment

We recently learned just how bad Donald Trump is as a businessman. The New York Times has reported Trump lost a staggering $1 billion over a span of ten years (1985-1994). According to the Times, “Mr. Trump appears to have lost more money than nearly any other individual American taxpayer.” But didn’t Trump promise he would run the country like his business?

Here are some examples of how Trump is a man of his word:

  1. Trump’s “tax cuts” will increase the deficit by at least $1 trillion over a 10-year period (Joint Committee on Taxation)
  2. Trump’s trade battles cost the U.S. economy $7.8 billion in lost gross domestic product in 2018 (National Bureau of Economic Research)
  3. Under Trump’s tariffs, the U.S. lost 20,000 solar energy jobs (Forbes)
  4. Trump’s trade war with China could slash almost 1 million jobs from U.S. economy (Trade Partnership Worldwide)
  5. Because of Trump’s trade policies, more farmers are filing for bankruptcy (Minneapolis Star Tribune)
  6. As a direct result of Trump’s trade wars, Wisconsin’s milk farmers are facing extinction (New York Times)

Figures … of all the broken promises (new and better healthcare, draining the swamp, massive infrastructure project, etc.) this one, on how he would run the country (into the ground), Trump has kept!

Photo | time.com

Breaking News … Dow plunges 700 points as China retaliates against Trump’s tariffs

 

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: $1 billion loss, bad businessman, bankruptcy, business, Donald Trump, kept campaign promise, loses, New York Times

Add Windmills To The List Of Things Trump Hates

April 30, 2019 By John DeProspo Leave a Comment

There are many things Donald Trump hates: Mueller’s probe, the media, health food, Hillary Clinton, and, yes, even Meryl Streep.

Add windmills to the list.

Trump has publicly stated he hates windmills because:

1. The noise from windmills may cause cancer.

2. Windmills cause a drop in property values.

3. If wind powers our electricity, TVs will go off when the wind stops blowing.

But the number one reason Trump hates windmills is because of the effect they have on his iconic floppy coif! (Hey, the man is vain … and do you have any idea how long it takes to glue that piece into place?)

Photo | thedailybeast.com

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: coif, Donald Trump, hair, hates windmills, real reason, satire, wind turbines, windmills

Trump Kneecaps Rule Of Law

April 25, 2019 By John DeProspo 6 Comments

When it comes to complying with legitimate congressional demands, Donald Trump has one word … “Fugetaboutit!”

Trump has directed his underlings to refuse the House Democrats’ lawful requests for his tax returns and has ordered former and present members of his staff to defy congressional subpoenas for testimony before House oversight committees.

This is in line with Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s findings that Trump has obstructed justice and has directed others to do the same.

Many political commentators are accusing Trump of besmirching the Presidency and denigrating the rule of law.

But does this really come as a surprise? Trump did swear on a bible to “faithfully execute the Office of the President and … the Constitution.”

Photo | wikipedia.com

Filed Under: featured, satire Tagged With: congressional demands, Donald Trump, faithfully execute, obstruction of justice, Robert Mueller, rule of law, subpoenas

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